In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

There is a charity called rights of women which offers free legal advice on family law. rightsofwomen.org.uk. They have helplines on certain nights, and information on the website.

Your husband is not a good father. Forgetting everything else, what is he teaching them about relationships? Do you have a son? He is learning that it is OK to belittle and abuse women. Any daughters are learning that it is OK to be treated like this.
I hope you can find some help to get through this.

Can you travel to one of your friend's for Christmas? Give the kids the option of spending it with you or him. After Christmas I would leave him. The kids do not love him more, they are just young kids who like sweets and playing on the iPad.

Your DH is a pig from a family of pigs. You cast your pearls before swine. I hope one day you realise your worth and leave them in their trough. Disgusting behaviour

'Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.'

WTF? No way! If you/he have to go to them (which shouldn't happen anyway really if they're this arsey with you) they should invite you and DH and the kids all over as a family. That's how everyone else does it.

Seriously, this is kind of abuse by proxy- whatever your husband is like himself- and there are probably plenty of issues if you think about it-(when he calls you a crybaby he's calling you names, and it's probably not the first time- which is bullying in itself) he's also letting these people bully you and make you miserable :( :( :(

I think you should prioritize therapy (and meds if a doctor thinks it advisable) ASAP. It was part of my plan to have therapy at a certain time, but I had to bring it forward due to certain events. I wish I'd done it sooner. You could see your GP and see if there's something that can be done with medication. You could get on an NHS or other free counselling waiting list- these are 2 things you could do while your money is being spent on physical stuff. You could also see how you could budget and possibly prioritize therapy. I'm not earning, and it means I can't afford to do some other things, but I pay for therapy because I need it. I'll soon be at the top of the NHS list but will probably also keep going to the woman I currently go to, as I think it's helping me.

I think you need to have a proper talk with your husband, tell him how you're feeling and that he needs to stand up for you more, and not call you names himself. You can consider how you go forward yourself based on his responses, but it sounds like you already spoke to him about how you're feeling (for instance, over the xmas issue) and he didn't act as most husbands would.

Anyway, please let us know how you get on- best wishes and hugs xxx

@Zetty22 you don’t deserve to be treated like this, the whole family including your DH are abusing you. No mother should be alone at Christmas with your children being taken to your DH family. I can only suggest contacting women’s aid or rights of women who can provide legal advice. Good luck

'He’s said before he’s never leaving this house, and if I want to go then I have to leave. The house is privately rented, we are both on the tenancy agreement. I won’t be able to afford to pay rent on my salary alone.'

Then you have just as much legal right to be the one who stays there as he does. You would manage the rent- if you need it you'll be eligible for help with housing costs.

' He said he will take the kids.'

The more you say, the more abusive he sounds.

Zetty22 I'm so sorry, your husband and his family all sound utterly horrible. You've moved miles away from friends to be near him, he's excluded you from family events and his family sound just utterly shit.

I am so sorry. Do you want to stay with him? If not, can you explore leaving him?

"...he’s a good dad..." I am afraid he sounds like an absolute arse.

You get on fairly well!!! I’m sorry op, but your marriage is a disaster. You DH not having your back is every bit as bad as they are.
He leaves you alone and without your children at Christmas. My eyes are filling up at such cruelty. Not only to you but your little ones. Separate you from them.
You didn’t want to cry in front of your children. I think sometimes children need to see people for their nasty spiteful and cruel ways. I don’t think they should live in a bubble.
I promise you. His “pretty” sisters and his mother are more insecure than you are. That’s why they feed off putting other people down.

I agree with Rachelover "What upsets me most of all is the way your children are being manipulated into thinking all that is normal, that dad is great and mum is boring. There has to be a way to turn that around, Zetty."

And

"Please don't put up with it any longer, take some advice and then take action."

"We don’t argue in front of the children I walk away until he’s calmed down." So he has a temper, gets angry? Sounds horrible.

" I feel like I’m back in school being bullied all over again." I am not a medical person and I may be speaking out of turn here, but could you use that skin care money on a counselor to help you overcome the issues of bullying because I think the mentality of your bullying past is helping to keep you stuck with this awful fucker. Sorry to swear but he sounds just so awful.

You can also get advice from www.womensaid.org.uk/ because his behaviour towards you sounds abusive.

Kiwiinkits it's fine to show how awful it is but it is victim blaming if you are blaming the 'victim' here. OP jas said that she was bullied as a child and had had years of her dh and all his family making her feel shit, plus her own family being dysfunctional.

That's why she has accepted this shit, because life (and those horrible people) have tried to show her that they think this is normal and she should accept it. That's why I think counselling may help her to see that this really is not normal. It i snot normal but it is not her fault. Lots of people have done this to her, and she is going to need to be incredibly strong to build her life how she wants it to be.

Am utterly gobsmacked that he leaves you alone on Christmas Day. You deserve so much better. That is not, very definitely not, normal.

You're not invited for Christmas and your MIL says it's all in your head? This sis AWFUL, OP. They are nasty bullies.

Rotten apple didn't fall far from the tree in this case. Your husband's entire family are awful and they are being awful to you. To your kids too, trying to alienate them from their mothers.

Long term you need to get out of this situation. Please bear in mind that not everything your bully of a husband says is correct - he may want you to think that he can kick you out of the house, but if you name is on the tenancy he is incorrect (or lying, don't discount lying as a possibility). Same with the kids - he'd have a hard time convincing the courts to let him cut off your access to them, especially once stuff like his taking them away on Christmas day and leaving you behind comes out. I hope it doesn't come to court, but if it did you'd have a much better case for cutting him and his rotten family out of the lives of the children than he could possibly build against you.

Start planning to get out now, would be my suggestion. If you can't make a move right away then you can't, but you can definitely start talking to the groups people have already recommending and find out what your options are and what support is available. Make sure to tell them the Christmas stuff as it will give them a good sense of just how bad things are.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way but

this sounds so bad that a part of me wonders if it's made up.

If this is real you really need to think about that, you are treated so badly that it's hard to believe that someone can actually be treated like this.

I also agree that if this is what your life is like you need to leave, go and be happy rather than be treated like dirt. Assholes, the lot of them, your husband included.

they are brilliant with the kids and they love them
They are abusing your children when they treat you badly. I can’t imagine how confusing it must be for your poor children. They must feel so conflicted. For small children to see their mother mistreated is deeply unsettling as it goes to the heart of their sense of safety and emotional stability. These people are inflicting terrible damage on innocent children.

I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted
These people who are brilliant with your children didn’t try to shield them, did they?

He comes home and starts being the good guy giving them treats and playing with them. I feel I need to give them structure and routine even if they dislike me for it this is called being a “Disney dad” and it is the opposite of good parenting.

And good dads don’t abuse the mother of their children or allow anyone else to do so.

We don’t argue in front of the children I walk away until he’s calmed down You don’t argue in front of them? Does he show any restraint?

Please call some of the numbers offered in this thread. It can take a long time to get through to Women’s Aid but please keep trying until you do,

Here to hand hold

Go to your local council and speak to the housing team. Also, book yourself in with the CAB for advice.

What a bloody awful time you are having, this has to stop. Your husband and his family are treating you like crap. They are abusive, rude and unkind.

Don't sit here again this time next year with this same shit hell. You need to leave your husband and take the kids with you. Please don't put up with this anymore x

@Zetty22

Your sisters-in-law make my SIL look like a saint.

Your post has upset me to no end. This is wrong on so many levels. I don’t know that I can add any more to what others have stated. Your in-laws are only part of the problem. The other part of the problem is your bullying to you, spineless to everyone else, pathetic excuse for a husband.

I wouldn’t want to be around those assholes at Christmas or any other holiday – I’d be grateful to stay home, away from all the negativity.

As UnoriginalUserName948 and others have stated, what exactly are your children learning from their father about relationships?

I don’t live in the UK so I can’t advise on counseling centers / legal advice. But please, please take advantage of the services that others have posted here. Start preparing your exit plan. And then LTB. You deserve so much better

I agree with a pp that you should stop buying face products and use the money to speak to someone about your self worth. Your post was difficult to read as I can’t imagine being separated from my kids on Christmas Day! Who would even think this is ok? Your ‘d’p and his family are absolute jerks. Don’t try to change yourself to be included. Family should try to include you and love you for who you are.

This dynmic is really unhealthy for your kids. If you don’t stand up for yourself I think either they will think it’s ok for people to treat them this way OR they will mimic what they are seeing and start to bully you too.

OP you need to do something about this as soon as possible 😢

Many relationship problems can be worked through but I think this is a solid case of LTB. His whole family are dysfunctional, nasty and shallow people- they're not going to change. The question you need to ask yourself is whether you want your children to grow up thinking this behaviour is normal and acceptable?

IMO these sort of people aren't worth bothering with and I would consider how you can escape from this nightmare situation. Your DH will make a huge fuss, of course, but showing your DC how to be kind, empathetic people is more important.

Honestly, don't spend anymore of your life with these people, leave them behind.

Crikey, this is one of the saddest things I have read on here in a long time.

Your husband and his entire family are abusive arseholes. I hope you can find the strength to leave. You sound so downtrodden and sad. You and your children deserve so much better.

I don’t understand how your in laws and your husband can think the way they treat you is acceptable. You need to work on your courage and self esteem and then leave your dh. He is your biggest problem by far.

I'm so sorry OP. This made me sad.

You need to leave this man. Your kids love you more than you think. If you have been their main carer I'm assuming. You might be more strict but it doesn't mean they love you less. You need to show them that the behaviour from their dad and his family are wrong. You shouldn't be left out. And on Christmas Day!!!

If I were you next time you do see his family I would get your phone out secretly and start recording. Then play it back to him. I wonder if he will say his "lovely sisters" can't do wrong.