In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

Oh OP, you are a true survivor, you do not deserve this shit.

I'm so happy you are seeking advice to plan your exit. I'd like to think your DH had just been naive, but I just can't see this. His family's treatment of you is so overtly cruel and hostile, I can't see a way that he would fail to notice this. It is unacceptable and repulsive that he has allowed this to go unchallenged.

You need to protect yourself and show your DC that their mother will not be treated this way. Never visit again, it does your DC no favours to see their mother be put down. Insist to your DH that your DC stay with you this Christmas, they should be with their mother. Your feelings are just as valid as his, he cannot trample you on Christmas day to get this wishes.

You've dealt with enough shit. No more. Good luck, you are amazing

Just want to echo what pps have said about the negative influence they are to your children.

My pgm was a nasty woman in general but mainly towards my mother. Ironically my mother isn't much of a nice person either but the insults were never geared towards that. My mother continued to allow us a relationship as her family weren't bothered. Ultimately it's lead to me being an epic people pleaser but at least with the knowledge that it's wrong to treat people in such a way. My sister otoh repeats her behaviour and is often downright cruel to people and loved ones. I gave up with my sister years ago because I couldn't live with this being my life - caving into a nasty person to keep them happy and that never stopping it anyway.

Please re-evaluate how you view these people. They're not healthy for your dc.

Haven’t RTFT, but are the OP’s in-laws from a different culture?

I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

This line broke my heart. OP, you sound lovely and the way your DH, first and foremost, is treating you is completely unacceptable. His sisters sound like witches.

Beauty is only skin deep. Your SILs may look like Instagram models but beneath the surface they sound like shallow, insecure, rotten people.

I have genuinely never said this on MN before but I think you should consider making a life on your own, with your DC.

Sending you lots of love.

Haven’t RTFT, but are the OP’s in-laws from a different culture?

Read the OP's posts, and you'll get the answer.

OP I read your first post, I knew what your other posts would say following on. I too have been in your shoes. Childhood, education, thinking that entering a family that put family high on their list. You think it's all you've been looking for. You think you'll have the family and the support you never had. I also know it's very easy for us on here to say leave, and I also know how hard it is to actually do that. It's by no means an easy thing to do. Often there are so many members of extended family scattered around, you feel you have no safe space to escape to. Along with trying to constantly having to look over your shoulder with regards to the children. I had the only boy in my ex husbands family, they all had girls. When my Son was born it was like they all thought they were his parents. That's when things turned nasty. It was little comments to start with, then it became the less subtle comments. Telling me how many suitors had the pick of, and had to settle for me. It got slowly worse. I used to tell my husband how much it upset me. He used to say ignore it, then it was if it happens again I'll say something. He never did, it was clear he was avoiding addressing it, as it would then put him in the position of having to do something about it. I then got the "Well you stay here then, I'll just nip round to my family with the baby" I like you sat at home. It does bring you down, and it's hard to deal with. You sometimes feel so low you just think let them get on with it. I too had PND and my Son was premature. One day I just said enough. We'd gone to his families for a birthday party. I couldn't get near my son. All I heard was "Our boy, our Son". I said I didn't feel well, it was genuine I felt so stressed I had a terrible headache. I was told to go home on my own. I did!
Once home I had a good cry, and then got the telephone directory and looked up helpline numbers for places to help me leave. I rang Women's Aid ( there had been other things happen with his family and him but I don't want to waffle on) I explained and the lady was lovely. She listened and let me speak. After I'd finished she said two words "Leave, leave" I said how? She talked me all through a plan. It was like someone had lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Please do the same thing, please! I know it feels like to much to do, and the guilt doesn't help I know, you think staying is right for the children, and you think you don't want their lives to be like your early years and your life back then. Trust me, staying won't make things better. It gets slowly worse. I left, it was hard, but I felt for the first time I could breathe. I went to Refuge miles away and it was daunting, but I felt safe. I also realised I could make my own decisions and choices. It was over the Christmas period too, so I thought it would be very lonely and isolating. I couldn't have been more wrong. It was probably the best Christmas I'd had in many many years. I felt so much better in myself too. I did the Freedom Programme and boy does that help. I have never regretted leaving, I know I made the right decision. I hope you manage to find a way to get through this situation, I know it's easy for us to say leave, but many here have had to make that hard decision, and walking away from your home, your life and comfort zone is bloody hard. The sense of freedom, and peace of mind that comes from doing that, along with feeling safe is just a tremendous feeling. I really hope you find a way to change the stuff going on in your life. You sound so low, I wish you all the very best. Only you can make those choices and decisions, sometimes asking for help can make those changes. Big hugs to you Sweetheart. You're worth so much more than those that put you down. Remember that xx

Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone.

What a total bastard. Don't allow that this year, OP. You spend Christmas with your kids and anyone who wants to stand in your way can FOTFSOF.

The in-laws are of mixed heritage and it sounds like they may not like OP because she doesn’t look like them. There’s a word for that of course.

OP, talk to women's aid. You need an escape strategy for yourself and your children. This is abuse. It is a toxic environment for them and for you. You need to get away.

Also, please look up parental alienation.

You said you aren’t strong, OP, but you are. It takes strength to get out of bed each day and hold your head up and survive when you’re being abused. You could use that strength to make life so much better for yourself and your kids. You can, and it will be ok. So much of your life is still ahead of you, and it could be wonderful. It doesn’t have to be like it is now.

Peanut - what a sad account - but thank you for sharing it.

It breaks my heart to think how many women must be out there suffering the same as yourself and the OP, and how dreadfully alone they must feel.

I hope the OP takes heart and courage from your story and is able to either leave this horrible situation, or put her foot down about the way things are - whichever she prefers (I would leave, myself, I hope!).

It's so difficult earn your confidence is being eroded on a daily basis, and you are too depressed to think, let alone act, but you have shown it can be done, and that there is support out there.

Christ, this is a depressing thread. And I don't mean that in a rude way.

OP, my heart goes out to you. No one deserves to be treated the way that you have been treated. I really hope that things get better for you. You've been given some great advice on this thread, hopefully that will be a good starting point. I have never been so eager to hear a positive update from a stranger on an internet forum. Good luck x

@AryaStarkWolf no, it was just what I had to do when I was in a similar situation to the OP. I didn’t have masses of confidence or skin like rhino hide. I just decided that I really didn’t give a shit anymore so had nothing to lose. But thanks for presuming that I did...

Wow! Not a nice family at all! Including your DH! All cut from the same cloth! Don't worry about plastics calling natural ugly. Plastics needs it to feel better about being plastics! Their mum has enabled this behaviour with her "turn a blind eye" method!
Worse is your children will possibly learn this behaviour since they spend so much time with them and they're already showing favoritism towards DH.
You're in a precarious situation but I would say you need to either get both personal and couples therapy or you leave him. What's happening now isn't good for you or your children in the long run!

@TommyShelby Not sure why you've decided to take offence by what I posted, it wasn't meant to come across that way. I wasn't talking about you, I was imagining how difficult it would be to do what you suggested. It is a great way to handle it but would be very hard to do for anyone especially someone how already has very low self confidence and self belief. How is that insulting to you?

Couples counselling is never advised in abusive relationships. The abuser uses it to abuse even more.

OP should seek counselling for herself, on her own.

you spend christmas alone? leave him now. he doesnt love nor respect you.

Hey @Zetty22 was just wondering how it's going this week and if you've decided how you will approach the situation going forward?

They sound like awful people.
You are not invited Christmas so you stay home alone while your children go there!? I’d tell them to go and fuck themselves and if they want to see my children they can come over. Keeping there UGLY remarks to themselves aswell.
They sound ugly not you! Tbh it sounds like they may be jealous of you about something.
You say their glamour outs and beautiful but they sound like a pack of witches to me.
Your husband odviously gets his nasty behaviour from his family too. If your not careful your children will also learn their ways.
If I were you I’d seriously consider your relationship and don’t stay with a man just because you have children, you are clearly very unhappy.
Your husband should put his foot down with his family.

I don't think OP's coming back.

Oh I'm so sad reading this , but I have 3 sister in laws and had the similar experience you had, not quite as bad but not good. Be strong tell your husband you're not putting up with it any more and make some friends join groups like badminton or book clubs in your area or college course then it will boost your confidence make yourself your own life. And try save some money incase you do leave.

Zombie thread @Uglykidjoe

Wow they sound awful and so does your husband! I would go NC, there is no way I would allow my husbands family to treat me this way and not inviting you on christmas day is just shocking!

No advice but omg OP, you have to leave this toxic life, even with the kids, make your "D"P pay the maintenance and live a life on your terms even of its alone, I'm so sad reading your post and I hope things work out better for you, but it won't as long as you are with that man. Big hugs x

I know on mumsnet there's a lot very quick to say leave the bastard but on this occasion I'm absolutely with them. I cannot imagine my dh taking our kids and leaving me alone on Xmas day to spend time with people who won't invite me. How cold. He sounds just as toxic as his sisters and he's consistently undermining your parenting. It sounds a lot like hes gaslighting you and they are complicit in it following his lead. I think you'd find you're much more confident and capable living independently than you feel with him. Kids will of course drift towards the person who does all the nice stuff, but they will also recognise they need the structure and help to regulate themselves that you give. Honestly I'd recommend you link in with womens aid because I think this runs deeper than what you're maybe recognising and I think he could turn nasty if you tried to leave but I think you'd be well within your rights to.