In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

this is awful. OP you do not deserve this. I am sorry, but you need to get out. In the long run you will be so glad you did and much better off. so sad for you. they are bullies.

Your husband will say you're overreacting as it's inconvenient for him to address their behaviour.

You say your kids prefer him, but I doubt that's true. He's just playing the "fun" role, but you're their mum. I'd be saying now that you're having Christmas at home together and they can see their cousins on Boxing Day. Don't budge on this. And get the kids excited with some new traditions –games etc that you know they'll love.

A relationship with aunts and cousins doesn't warrant abuse of their mother.

And start making moves to leave your husband. A good dad doesn't let his kids' mum get treated this way. You deserve so much better than this.

@Zetty22

"I go to my in laws house for the sake of my children, my little girl always say mummy are you coming too? It breaks my heart to see her face drop when I say no, so that’s why I went as my girl was upset about starting school and I wanted to keep her happy. At Christmas it’s different they are excited about seeing their cousins and all the toys so they don’t really care as much if I go or not.

I never had any grandparents, cousins, aunts growing up, so I think it’s nice my children have those relationships. They are very loving towards the kids, when my SILs go out they take my kids as well. If I take that away from them, then I know they will resent me. They love going there, and il be the bad guy again for stopping the visits. I do need to talk a professional I feel my brain has been fried."

Please do speak to a professional. What your husband's family is doing is totally shit. You need help.

This was horrible to read, you poor thing. You're not being a cry baby you're being human and they sound like grade A cunts. Your husband too I'm afraid. Leaving you behind at Christmas and taking the kids feels abusive to me.

@TommyShelby This is fantastic advise to give to someone who's got masses of confidence in themselves and has skin as thick as rhinos. There isn't alot of people who could pull that off and it doesn't sound like OP is in that place at all

I'm sorry if that sounded dramatic but I watched my father destroy my mother over the course of my childhood by mentally (and eventually physically) abusing her. Something about what you've written and the way you speak about yourself is really reminding me of her and it's quite upsetting. You deserve so much better.

I really hope the reaction to your posts have shown you this situation and your DH family are not normal or acceptable. I didn't have a happy childhood and I think it affects how you view yourself and what you perceive as normal. It also affects your confidence and how you value yourself. They have been extremely unkind. I have a feeling in their eyes no woman would have been good enough for you H, they want him under their control. He has also grown up with a dysfunctional family and maybe himself has no idea what is normal. However that is his issue not yours and you have a choice not to be part of this. So much good advice about getting professional support and ending the marriage. But in the meantime protect yourself and your MH by having no contact with DH family. It's easy to say assert yourself in your relationship with DH but it is hard to do if you have little confidence in yourself. Try to make small steps in standing up for yourself, and start the conversation now about your current arrangements for Christmas no longer being acceptable if you want it to change. Your DH should be putting your small family before his extended family.
Could you and DC go away for a few days over half term. A change of scenery could help give you perspective and time to think. Your children adore you, you are their mum you probably can't see it as you expect everyone to look down on you.
Also is there a work colleague or a friend you could talk to or would support you. It would help knowing you have someone on your side. If not I a whole army of MNer are behind you and think you are worth responding to and deserve better than this. Much love to you

OP in my humble opinion it is not your job to fix your rude, abusive husband or his rude abusive relatives; you do not need to tell them off or show them up, or be clever or anything. You need to get help to work out why/how this has happened for so long. I think it's very clear your own dysfunctional family and the bullying from the past meant you were more susceptible to this sort of abusive prick.

You are worth more and you need to believe you are worth more than this harsh, inappropriate, abusive treatment. You must save yourself and your kids. When you are finally free of them who else will they leave out and belittle? Maybe one of the kids? I just don't know but I think you need to start thinking of yourself first. Your kids are still pretty young and you can make a difference in this situation.

Do not worry about what they want you to do or not do, find out what you can do to start your life over. He will always be their dad, but it's clear he is a fucking poor excuse for a Disney dad, IMHO.

Make room for you in your own life and it will be the best thing for the kids too, IMHO.

I definitely do not think this is a troll and I think it is real

I don't wither, butI wish it was.

It breaks my heart to think of this poor woman suffering like this. It's beyond cruel.

Horrible people. Never visit them again. Send no cards. Tell your husband that you cone first otherwise you're off. You deserve better than this. You need to insist on better.
Your post made me sad - please don't put up with any more of this bullying behaviour.

Your husband's a dick

He is not a good husband if he treats you and he does, and allows other to treat his wife and mother of his children as his family do.

Leave him - show your kids how to stand up for themselves

The fact that you are left alone at Christmas is horrendous never mind the rest of the unreasonable behaviour towards you.

OP your posts have made me so sad for you and just want to give you a big hug. What a nasty bunch of bullies your SILs and husband are. The ugly avatar was so cruel. You must take back control and do as other posters have suggested. Cut them off, spend Christmas with your children and make it clear to your husband that you will never be the emotional punchbag for his family again.
Good luck.

Omg, in laws spund mean and horrible and husband is supporting them. What do you want to do about it?

You are so much stronger than you think OP!
Not many could cope with all you've coped with.
Your childhood made you tough ( in a good way )
This doesn't mean you should accept the abuse that had been leveled at you for years from this nasty, horrible, bullying, shallow family.
Your husband is weak!

You need a man, not a man child.

You can do this alone.

You can!

I bet you know Mums who have escaped on far little money / no job etc...

You have so much going for you. You just don't realise it because you're beaten down right now.

Get help OP!
Get out and please get your children out.
Your son will treat his wife, like you've been treated.
Your daughter thinks the way you're treated is 'normal'

She deserves better OP
Your Son deserves better but most of all YOU deserve better !

You are one of life's survivors...

Now, it's your time to live !
Life is too short OP.
Grab it with both hands

This is really sad. Hope you leave him and his shitty family xx

You know what OP, not that it matters but I imagine you look great and it's their fucked up perception of beauty that's skewing their perspective on that. You owe it to your DCs not to let them grow up simply accepting their aunts' weirdness. They will inflict it on your DD as she gets older unless you put a stop to it. There is nothing wrong with you. Your ILs are fucking bonkers.

This broke my heart. I hate your H, SILS and MIL and I don't even know them.

Strength for you OP

I would dump the husband . Sorry .

There is absolutely no reason for him to want to leave you alone on Christmas Day .

I am so sorry to read everything you have been through, it is horrendous treatment by your husband and his family to not get time with your kids at Christmas is just cruel. I am glad you are going to seek counselling. Your kids sound like they love you, and they are at an age where they will pick up on this awful treatment. And will start to lose respect for your in laws.

Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone

But you are more their family than his sisters.

You are part of the family.

Nrtft are any of his sisters married or live with someone. What happens at Christmas do they leave their partners/husbands etc and go home to mummy.

Or are they all on their own in which case it says it all.

This has to stop OP, your DC should not be spending any time with your ILs or very little time. This is the age where they need to know how to have empathy for others, especially their mother, otherwise it will be too late.

They should never spend Christmas without you. You need to tell them that you are not invited on Christmas Day and it’s family day and you are their family. Maybe they could spend Boxing Day at their grandmothers. You could ask other people who are on their own at Christmas to spend Christmas with you and your DC. Start your own Christmas traditions before it’s too late and they never spend Christmas Day with you ever.
.

You are worth so much more than your MIL, your SILs and your H. Your husband is the most disloyal man, he really does not care how you feel and how you are treated by his family.

Just caught up with this thread. Zetty, your story is heartbreaking. Please do end the marriage, nobody deserves to be treated like that.

I'm also going to say , right now pamper yourself, give yourself a makeover. Not for anyone else's benefit but your own, it will give your confidence a boost.

I wish you and I knew each other in real life, I'd help you. I expect lots of other posters feel the same.

I could have wrote this word for word,bar the husband part.but the Mil and Sil (I have two witches)absolutely like yours.mine make fun of me to my kids,ignore me or leave the room when I enter, whisper about me when I'm there!,choose to ignore my disabled child as hes Hardwork and embarrassing. They too are image obsessed whilst I have barely time to wash my face. I recently have cut all ties,emotionally couldn't handle it and saw my kids changing for the worst witnessing this behaviour.its toxic.i tried for years to make them like me,it never happened. OP my kids adored them too but it was bad for them as it is for you and your kids.wished I'd never let them see my kids,they had been like this from the moment I married into their family.