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Original poster

Keys to my new home and feeling sad

145 replies

ineedanonmol · 08/10/2019 14:09

I have finally left my abusive partner after trying since the start of year and today I signed my tenancy for my two bedroom maisonette for me and child, but some how I feel so sad. I know my ex partner is abusive and can't change and it's not fair on me and my child, but I feel so upset I am leaving him and that I will miss him so much. My dream I had with him has shattered and i'm moving to a council property (luckily in a lovely area) at the age of 31 after living in a house my partner owned. I have lost so much and i'm starting from scratch. I'm so scared how i'll manage it all on my own and how I will cope with my child on my own and all the other responsibilities. Right now I have very little money and no wardrobes, cooker, fridge or even washing machine and i'm so scared how I can provide for my son. Sorry for the pity party and I know I should be so happy we now have freedom.

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 08/10/2019 14:14

It’s all going to be okay, and you can totally cope! I’m sure it won’t be easy, but things will come together and one day in several months time you’ll be able to look back at this day and think how far you’ve come and how well you’ve managed.

QueenofPain · 08/10/2019 14:15

Are they any charities near by that can help you out with some furniture? Surely women’s aid must have some local links?

everythingcrossed · 08/10/2019 14:16

Possibly you are just overwhelmed after the adrenaline of getting through the past few months has begun to subside. It will take time but you will build yourself up - 31 is still very young. It won't take long for you to realise how lucky you are to have got out.

underground76 · 08/10/2019 14:23

I will miss him so much

He has been abusing you. I promise you there is absolutely nothing to miss. Those times he was nice to you? That was not the real him. The real him was the abusive one.

Try not to look back on him with rose-tinted spectacles. Focus on being able to do all the things you couldn't do when you were with him. No more walking on eggshells, no more being scared. Flowers

You WILL cope, you WILL manage and you have done absolutely the right thing for your lovely little boy. What you're feeling is totally natural and of course you're apprehensive, but I promise you are so much better off without him. You've done an incredibly brave thing - you've managed, all by yourself, to get away from a horrible situation and create a safe environment for you and your child. You CAN do this.

Original poster
ineedanonmol · 08/10/2019 14:26

I only left for my child as I knew I couldn't let him see his mother being abused and thinking it was ok and for him also to be mentally abused by him. I loved this man so much and I feel so betrayed he has let me down so much and treated in such a way. I feel so broken now and i'm desperately trying to stay strong through this all.

I have done paperwork for a grant, but i'm not sure how long this will take to go through and if i'll even be successful. My ex would make me transfer him money every month and I think once they see this on the bank statements they won't help me. I work but only part-time and I always had to pay 100-150 directly to my ex every month.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedanonmol · 08/10/2019 14:27

@underground76 thank you. I keep writing all he did to me down so it sinks in.

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 08/10/2019 14:28

Why do you think that will stop you getting a grant? You were being financially abused?

Are you being supported by Women’s Aid in all this?

HMArsey · 08/10/2019 14:28

Think of it this way, you will have the 100 - 150 every month for yourself now. And you didn't own the place you had before, you were there because your DP let you live in his house. You don't want to be beholden to someone who isn't a good person. This way you are independent.

StrongTea · 08/10/2019 14:34

Join freecycle and keep an eye on facebook market place. It will all work out for you.

Thehagonthehill · 08/10/2019 14:35

Get onto Freecycle there are often white goods,beds on there
If money was paid out and now is not it will simply demonstrate that you were financially abused before.
Once you got the basics for your house it will feel better and less enormous.You have a secure house in a nice area that you will slowlyake into a home for you and your child,fear free.

cantfindname · 08/10/2019 14:35

You'll be fine. Honestly you will.

Put an ad on local FB selling page explaining. Contact local SS and also churches. Join Freecycle. There are always people giving away stuff or selling it very cheaply.

Just, please, don't be 'that person' who doesn't like the colour or the style! Take what you are offered and work from there. I had to do it once and probably got given the best cooker I have ever had and was very sad when it finally broke down.

I wish you the very best of luck for a whole new future free from abuse and hurt. Flowers

Original poster
ineedanonmol · 08/10/2019 14:37

I had no independence living with him, my every move was tracked on his phone, financially abused and when I dared to speak out he would tell me fuck out of his house, not speak to me or my son for days. It was constant walking on egg shells.

I'll call women's aid tonight and see what they advise, but my anxiety is so bad I find it so hard to talk to someone about it all.

I have never felt weaker than I do right now. I really hope I can make a success of this, I need to show my son a happy and normal life.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedanonmol · 08/10/2019 14:38

I didn't think of facebook, I don't really use it much as it was another way to watch me, but I've blocked him on that now. Thank you all so much.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 08/10/2019 14:42

The Salvation Army are good in situations like this. So are Barnados.
Well done and good luck.

HappyPunky · 08/10/2019 14:45

You've done brilliantly and you'll feel much better soon.

New houses don't feel like home when you first move in, it will when you're more settled.

If you're on universal credit, ask for an advance. It can be paid back monthly for a year and it goes into your account within a couple of days if they approve you. I think the maximum is about £800. It's a loan but it's interest free, better than overdraft or credit card.

Flowers
HMArsey · 08/10/2019 14:49

And yes, Freecycle is excellent, we got a fab washing machine on there once, and have given away lots of nice household stuff, kids clothes etc.

Don't feel weak, OP, you've done a brave thing for the right reasons.

Original poster
ineedanonmol · 08/10/2019 14:53

@Clangus00 @HappyPunky
Thank you, thank you! I hadn't even thought of doing either of these. You really are making me feel so much better. I need to stay positive, i'm just so scared!

OP posts:
poppycity · 08/10/2019 14:55

You are brilliant @ineedanonmol for you and your son this is the right thing. It can be hard to see the things you've lost, but think of what you gained - freedom, safety, a good relationship with your son, stopping your son from living in a traumatic situation that would stay with him long term, a future. You likely do miss the partner you wish he could be. He can't. This will be a crucial couple of years - get counselling for you, perhaps some supports for your son, set up home, when you can increase your work hours, and keep going. Do things that bring you joy - flowers in your home, reading a book, re-set that way of living that has been constant stress and anxieties. You are strong, you are capable, you are a great Mum. Don't rush into any new relationships, give yourself time to heal. You've got this.

LightTripper · 08/10/2019 15:00

There might also be some other local charities that can help. Our Local Authority donates furniture collected from residents to Homestore, who then sell it to families in need. This particular one only operates in East London - but if you Google your local authority name and "furniture" "Donated" or something like that there may be something similar where you are? Might make your money stretch further as I think they are only covering costs.

quakersocialaction.org.uk/we-can-help/your-house-and-home/homestore

anyoneseenmykeys · 08/10/2019 15:00

You are doing amazing! Think about it, you are actually moving UP, in a property in YOUR name, instead of living in somebody's house. Doesn't matter if it's council, it's still yours.

After the suggestions above, have a look at the FB group "diy on a budget" - there are a few twats showing off expensively refurbished homes, but also a lot of people doing great work with next to no money.

anyoneseenmykeys · 08/10/2019 15:01

You miss your ex, that's human. Just give it time, but you deserve better. One day you will realise how not worth it he was.

greenwitch1 · 08/10/2019 15:03

I don't comment on a lot of these threads but I just wanted to say how amazing you are. It's going to be difficult at first but you have absolutely done the right thing, just imagine you and your son in your own little place, you can say and do what you want without walking on eggshells. And that's all down to you, because you were brave enough to make that change, even though you loved him you knew how he treated you wasn't right. Well done, lots of love and best of luck to you and your son x

GoldLeafTree · 08/10/2019 15:05

Have a look at Freecycle, Freebies section on Gumtree and also Facebook Marketplace and edit search to " price - low to high ".

Well done for leaving him OP, it's completely normal to miss him but you're doing the right thing by you and your son Flowers

NurseButtercup · 08/10/2019 15:07

I understand why you're feeling the way you are....it is normal and if you follow some of the advice given your feelings will pass and you'll be fine.

I'd like to suggest that you have a look at this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3707884-My-ex-is-a-psycho

Flowers
NettleTea · 08/10/2019 15:09

It will feel strange and it will feel empty, because you are full of filling your head about what he wants and what he will say before making any move. So it makes you feel as if you have been set adrift without a paddle and lost in the world.
Thats just normal. Its OK. Your own voice, and your own needs and desires that have been pushed down to the bottom of the pile will begin to come through again.
You are not weak, because you have managed to leave, and so so many women just cannot find the strength to do that.
You have a home. Your OWN home. Your own home that you and your child can take time to make exactly as you want. It wont necesarily happen overnight, but you are in charge and thats worth alot.
And as it is council owned, you have safety and security. They cant pull the tenancy out from under you, like a private rental, thats worth its weight in gold. Im in a council property and I love it, realy love it. I know I will never leave it and have taken the last 12 years gradually making it how I like it, although there is a long way to go!
xx