Keys to my new home and feeling sad

[ineedanonmol]

I have finally left my abusive partner after trying since the start of year and today I signed my tenancy for my two bedroom maisonette for me and child, but some how I feel so sad. I know my ex partner is abusive and can't change and it's not fair on me and my child, but I feel so upset I am leaving him and that I will miss him so much. My dream I had with him has shattered and i'm moving to a council property (luckily in a lovely area) at the age of 31 after living in a house my partner owned. I have lost so much and i'm starting from scratch. I'm so scared how i'll manage it all on my own and how I will cope with my child on my own and all the other responsibilities. Right now I have very little money and no wardrobes, cooker, fridge or even washing machine and i'm so scared how I can provide for my son. Sorry for the pity party and I know I should be so happy we now have freedom.

no wardrobes, cooker, fridge or even washing machine
You can do this. You don't have to have a perfect home overnight. Be practical, start with the basics and you can upgrade and add stuff as time passes.
You need a fridge, but it could be a tiny little second-hand thing. Have you looked on ebay?
A cooker is not absolutely necessary - you could start out with a couple of rings that you plug in.
A clothes rack would be enough for a wardrobe, if you want to be fancy you can cover it up somehow (curtain or throw).
And do your washing at the laundrette and by hand for now, until you find a nice cheap machine.

Facebook is really useful. You can even just post your situation and ask if anyone can help. I've seen people doing this before and they've got loads of offers.

some foodbanks have free donated furniture -look up your local one & see if they can help

Have you got a car? My brother moved into a flat last weekend with nothing really. No money and not many possessions. Within a few days I had managed to get him a 3 piece suite (which is stunning and I would have paid £££'s for it), a bed frame, a mattress, a fridge/Freezer, a washing machine, a bedside cabinet, some towels and some plates. All free and gifted. The biggest issue was transport but I hired a van and collected all.

I scoured Freeloved, freecycle and there is loads going for nothing. People I have realised would rather give stuff away than pay the council to get come and take it away. The three piece suite I got cost 5k originally and was about 5 years ago. The guy could not give it away to charity as his children had pulled off the fire labels on two items so he was desperate to give it away and was just about to pay £25 to the council. I was delighted with it, we were so lucky to have found it.

Also I looked on Nextdoor App as people are often giving away stuff on there.

Good luck

Oh my heart goes out to you. However hard you think it is or is going to be you have done the hardest but leaving him. Be proud of yourself. You can do this.
Would you give a brief idea of what part on country you are in I know myself I am a kid of stuff I could give you having also just moved. X

It's amazing strong to leave an abusive situation.

I know you must feel anxious and sad, who wouldn't, not many people like change, even if it's for the better.

I think it would be good for you to try to concentrate on the positives of your situation.

You have a secure tenancy.

You are in a nice area.

You have your son and you will be happier.

YOU ARE FREE

When you get more settled, you can look forward to decorating any way you want with no criticism or distain. You can do whatever and go wherever you want.

Hope you feel better soon.

Freecycle/facebook/shpock womens aid e-bay honestly there are plenty of help out there.
I think your amazing I truly do.
You need time to adjust thats all. Tomorrow you will see that little smile on your dcs face and realise you have made the right move.
A lot of people reading this will be immensely proud of you.
Me and dh wish you all the luck in the world my love.

I think now you have a new home it just suddenly feels very real and overwhelming. Especially as council properties are often in dire need of decorating, flooring and basic appliances.
As others have said, there are ways to get things for free. As you slowly start getting your house feeling more like a home, I'm sure these feelings will pass. You're doing the right thing.

You will cope but it is scary at first. Someone else suggested local charity that give furniture, do look into that. A friend of mine furnished a flat with that and everything was really nice.

Good luck.
[wine)

Also any D I Y that you are unsure of, look on youtube, there is a how to video for everything. It has saved me lots of money to be able to do some stuff myself.

same type cardboard fruit boxes from supermarket which can be stacked - - obviously clean ones :) - - these can be used for clothes or toys for the time being- - charity shops often sell bed linen & curtains. Amazing things in your pound shops - like kitchen equipment cutlery china etc. Wilco B & M or Homebrands do cheap furniture later on when you have some money.

I have lost so much
But you've gained a lifetime of freedom. You've gained a safe future for you and your child. You've gained an abuse free future. Don't look at what you lost (an abusive arsehole?, what's to miss?) look at the positives you have gained and to your future. You will cope, you will manage. You're a strong person and you will be fine!

Even in the most abusive relationship, a person has a right to grieve when it ends. You are NOT grieving getting out, you are not grieving the loss of the relationship. You are not grieving HIM. You are grieving the loss of the dream. The dream of what you believed your life would be. And it's hard to let go of dreams, especially when the future appears fuzzy and out of focus. So, go ahead and grieve, be a bit scared, but only for a bit. Because you can grieve and still 'get on with it' at the same time.

There will be other dreams. And you will find yours and your life will be GOOD. So many of us have been there and we've all discovered that life doesn't end with the end of a relationship (good or bad), life goes on and takes us right along with it. And it's a helluva ride. Enjoy it.

i'm moving to a council property (luckily in a lovely area) at the age of 31 after living in a house my partner owned. I have lost so much
Lovey, you've lost nothing but pain.
The house you were living in was never yours as your ex frequently pointed out.
You are only 31 and have a place of your own. A place of safety for you and your child.
You have a lifetime ahead of you to live your life in the way you choose and you have now given your son a safe haven to grow up in.

OP you dont' sound weak to me, you sound like you might be very strong indeed!

It takes a strong person to leave the man they are in love with, because they know it's the best thing to do. And it's totally normal that you feel lost right now, and sad, because it's not the future you had planned.

NB I'm in a similar boat (though I'm about to move) It will get better xx

Meant to add - you should be so proud of yourself. And best wishes for a bright and happy future.

Just think about how amazing it will be to go out anywhere, anytime you want. Coming home when you’re ready. Doing whatever,whenever without worrying what he will say/do

You’re bound to miss him, because even very bad people display some good traits or nobody would stay with them.

Remember no mattter what he says, he will NOT change.

You HAVE to stay strong & not go back, because you have a wonderful
Opportunity to make a great life for you & DS.

Don’t force him to have contact with DS either.

Try the LIONS they kit out entire houses for people in our area.

I wouldn't put anything about your self on Facebook it might attract the wrong sort of person and you don't need that. Charities, churches will all help. The Catholic Church has St. Vincent De Paul volunteers who help with emotional as well as help regards furniture and clothing for your child. Lots of people donate to them.
Freecycle and Gumtree and check if something called LETS is in your area. I met some lovely people when we had LETS all walks of life and it is all about swapping and helping. We went and painted two peoples houses, recycled furniture and surplus veg and fruit from gardeners. It was great fun too. Plus car boots, charity coffee mornings etc.

You can do this just take a step at a time. I have seen how abuse affects children so you have absolutely done the right thing. Don't forget your GP or nurse can offer support too.

Of course you are feeling sad. Your whole life has been turned upside down and you are starting from scratch. BUT, you are 100% doing the right thing and the only way from now is up. You've been given lots of ideas of organisations that can and will help you. Good luck for the future!

You have so much more now than you ever had with him. You have the chance of such a bright future - he was terrorising you and you will soon realise how happy you are without him.

I feel for you OP. You should be proud of what you’ve done, leaving someone you have a child with is hard but you’ve done the right thing and someday soon you will look back and think “phew thank god I did it” I promise.

It will take time to make your new place feel like home but it will do, it will be a happy place for you and your son. I wish you both well

It will feel very strange, of course, and is not what you would have chosen. Get to the doctor and talk about your anxiety, something like Propanolol for panicky feelings and or Citalopram (mild anti depressant) are not a bad idea for the short term. Speak to all the agencies you can to find charities that donate to women leaving abuse - there's one near me. Look on it as a challenge - an opportunity to find your skills and new confidence. I can't get out of the habit of picking up furniture and home things on facebook or car boots now - never look in 'real' shops anymore!

Oh and massive congratulation sand for putting your child first! Don't forget the oxygen mask analogy - you have to look after yourself first to be the best mother you can!

Starting from scratch is hard. But it’s also liberating.

I look back on the time I moved into an empty 1 bed place with a small child and felt exactly the same as you describe.
It was the start of a whole new, marvellous, exciting chapter in our lives - I just didn’t see it at the time.

💐🥂 and chocs for you new home together x

What area are you OP, anywhere near the SE? I work somewhere where I often help vulnerable women/families and signpost to local agencies that can help, chances are you’re probably nowhere near my area but if you are let me know and I can try to give you names of charities and groups that will be very happy to help you! Well done for leaving him though, it might feel hard now but you’re doing the right thing.

@ineedanonmol - you are sad because you are mourning the life you should have had. When you went into the relationship you had dreams, hopes and expectations, and you have lost those - it is natural to feel sad about that.

You have taken some very big steps, and should be immensely proud of yourself - I hope that this is the start of a bright and hopeful future for you, full of good things.