Keys to my new home and feeling sad

[ineedanonmol]

I have finally left my abusive partner after trying since the start of year and today I signed my tenancy for my two bedroom maisonette for me and child, but some how I feel so sad. I know my ex partner is abusive and can't change and it's not fair on me and my child, but I feel so upset I am leaving him and that I will miss him so much. My dream I had with him has shattered and i'm moving to a council property (luckily in a lovely area) at the age of 31 after living in a house my partner owned. I have lost so much and i'm starting from scratch. I'm so scared how i'll manage it all on my own and how I will cope with my child on my own and all the other responsibilities. Right now I have very little money and no wardrobes, cooker, fridge or even washing machine and i'm so scared how I can provide for my son. Sorry for the pity party and I know I should be so happy we now have freedom.

I'm blown away by the support I've had here and honestly feel a little less alone and a lot more prepared for this huge change in my life. Luckily my ex isn't his father and my son has a wonderful dad he sees often, but as my ex was involved from when he was 1 he seems to think he has some kind of rights (my son is now 4), but I know he has no legal rights. I have told ex it's over and he's messaging a lot begging me to come home, saying he can't live without etc etc. I've asked him to stop messaging me and will go to the police if it continues.

He has no rights to see your son who doesn't need this toxic man in his life.

You will be fine. You will make it a home.

He will never see me or my son again and doesn't know where we have moved to. I would imagine he could narrow it down to a few places I would probably move to though. He was tracking my phone, but I've got a new one now, still same number for the moment though. I've had emails, texts, calls, whats app, faceboook, but he's now blocked on everything besides texting or calling which i'm not replying too and will use as evidence if he continues.

You sound stronger already. Keep going and reminding yourself of how you felt when you was with him. Your mind tends to remember the good times so you need to actively remind yourself of how he made you feel. Just be grateful that you don't have children together because it means you can make a clean break from him. Do tell the police about the harassment if you need to even if you do nothing, just get it on file. And just remember that every abuser promises to change because they can't live without you, some do change but it's never permanent. Once they know you're fully back with them it'll all start again. He won't change but you have and will continue to. You've given your son the best gift ever...a happy mum free from fear. Keep strong, you've got this!

This isn't the first time I've left him, so I know he can't change. I can't be spoken to in that way anymore and controlled by him anymore. I'm a shell of the person I was before I met him and know deep down that I can build myself back up again. I have moments when I feel I can do this and then others where I feel so pathetic and I have no confidence in myself.

You have already had great suggestions of sources of household goods. I would just like to add that you might have a local community furniture project who can supply very cheap things. Our local one will deliver a van full of stuff for only £10 delivery fee on top of their very low priced goods.

You now have a secure tenancy in your new council home. This will be your sanctuary and I wish you peace and happiness for the future.

Lastly, please do the Freedom programme, it will help you so much.

I'm honestly impressed by how you are getting on with the process, and I hope that you do stop every now and then and take a moment to be proud of what you're doing.

The microwave is a good start. May I recommend treating yourself to a microwave sponge pudding?

You can also do baked potatoes pretty well. Cover one up with a couple of pieces of wet kitchen roll and stick it in on full for 10 min.

You are amazing and strong OP. I hope you are proud of what you’ve done for yourself and your son. You will be fine, I’m sure of that.

Bloody hell, you've done fantastically,!!

You and your son have your freedom.. More precious than any wardrobe 😉.

Do ring up your local womens refuge... They may know which charities local to you help survivors /escapees of DV. We have one locally.. But I'm south west of London. They often advertise to collect good condition items..

Keep an eye open on FB/free cycle.... But I wouldn't say anything re your status.. Some grim men will target women who have just escaped...!

Re organising.... Just get a sheet of paper... Write down the different rooms... And just jot down needed items as they occur to you. I'd also underline the absolute essentials... So you can throw your energy towards getting those!

Your child won't notice... He'll just appreciate having a happier mum

I have lost so much and i'm starting from scratch.

What you’ve gained is immeasurably more important, freedom from someone who would have continued to make you and your child’s lives utterly miserable. Be strong, time heals, it really does and you will wonder why you were ever with him.

Wishing you and your son all the luck in the world. You are amazing ! It always feels odd at first when you leave someone, but you have totally done the right thing, you may miss your ex now, but in a few weeks you will get used to your new life and you will honestly look back and think thank fuck I left him. You and your son deserve to live a happy, drama free life in your new house, which will feel like a home in no time at all. You should be so proud of what you have done

You already sound in a better place.

Here are links to a few tips for microwave cooking.

www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/healthy_microwave_meals

www.cnbc.com/2017/12/09/easy-meals-you-can-make-in-a-microwave-to-save-time-and-money.html

Popcorn is good and it's fun to watch it popping, costs less than a quid for the bag of corn.

Just take things a day at a time. All you need is food, water and shelter, you already have those, so anything else is a bonus.

and

@ravenmum Microwave pudding is heavenly and so quick.

Get a slow cooker, cheap cuts of meat etc are brilliant for making tasty meals.

OP you are one strong lady.

If you think about one day at a time right now, the safety you are affording your son, the clear headspace and right to the freedoms you will have in your own home.

Just think in three months, then six months, then a year where you will be mentally, emotionally....

It's incredible to read.

My lovely you have done the right thing but just going through a period of adjustment. One day you will look back and see this as the first day of the rest of your life.

Small steps each day. Is there a particular thing you weren't allowed to do when you were together?? Do it and revel in the freedom! No more walking on eggshells. No more endless rows. No more saying sorry for things you haven't done. No more feeling anxious all the time as you don't know what mood they are in.

I left an abusive alcoholic husband 4 years ago with a suitcase of my what I could grab in a hour. After years of setting up a nice home I was left with nothing. Friends rallying round with bits and pieces and eventually step by step I replaced things. But things are just things. You safety and well being mean much more.

To help get set up again - I have heard of local charities helping and have you checked out freecycle? Keep an eye of Facebook sales.

Or - I have seen this done before - a friend could launch an appeal on your behalf for things you are short of. I have donated before and people tend to have spare items and will always help where they can.

I while it's seems hard currently - as I said before I left with my suitcase. Lived in a share house (made me so cross as I had to pay his mortgage as he couldn't work while drinking a bottle of vodka a day), but then I met an amazing man and we have made a life together. We now have a beautiful son and a happy life.

Good luck and keep looking forward

so glad youve gone with moving plan. just try to keep it real. get in touch(directly)with local womans aid? i very reluctantly spoke to mine,felt almost criminal to do so as,much as he tried to abuse and intimidate-i just thought he was a gobshite.however.they sent security guys..led to reinforcing security re windows ,doors,etc...set up fast response if(and i havent)my number had to call police. You may be able to block his number on phone..it then gets diverted to a "blocked"file.which you can still access/to screenshot texts,no of calls.it sounds mad,but i still have mine unblocked-my logic is he receives notice of delivery report..which fans his putrid flame.i have repeatedly indicated i forward every msg to my google account,my lawyer,but he continues. cos hes a twat....on plus side,silly delivery report fans him enuf he doesnt appear...so-lesser of two evils. do NOT respond to texts. i have a whole folder of unnamed recipitent with every emotionally horrific,raging mad,smartarserdry,unlikely to happen threat,screamin demon,borderline psychotic style of thought\reaction his crap results in.sometimes rage typing is all it takes to get it out your system.i would never flatter him with knowing he has any effect at all. it works for me. ...hope helps xxjoing freegle/check local gumtree freebies/facebook marketplace or local giving page/and as i said womens aid..can be v helpful. goodluck...and Happy new life.xxx

Bloody well done OP!

How about putting a note up at work, asking for things you need?

Aldi are doing a table top fridge for £49.99 atm. You could also get a single or double hob for around £20 from places like Argos/Curry's/Amazon, and a slow cooker is around £10 for the cheapest ones. This will give you more options for cooking. Try to get a freezer from someone.

Check out the supermarkets when they reduce the food and put the yellow stickers on. Veg is great for making soups. Buy a jar of mixed herbs to add some flavour, and start adding store cupboard items when you can afford it, (try to get one item a week) such as salt and pepper, cooking oil, other herbs and spices, stock cubes, gravy powder, etc. The cheapest ones will be fine. Check out Jack Monroe's site Cooking on a Bootstrap. Also, see if you can get a referral to the food bank. Your GP and maybe your housing officer, may be able to do that.

You're doing great. It will take time, and you'll have ups and downs, but you'll get there in the end, and you'll have a lovely home, where you and your little one, will be safe and happy.

I don’t think you have lost anything apart from being controlled.

Now you have so much.

A beautiful little boy, a place of your own and the freedom to live your life as you choose.

What you lost was all the bad stuff in your life.

How are you getting on today?

Hi all. Today I got the news I managed to get a grant from the council for a fridge/freezer, washing machine and cooker. I could literally cry I am so happy. This weekend we managed by getting a cooked pizza from the supermarket and having things like beans or scrambled egg in the microwave. It's been manageable, but I am so glad we will have white goods soon. My friend has some bedroom furniture for me and I've sorted a sofa and tv which I'll hopefully get this week. I did have to get an advance from universal credits for £200 to buy blinds, cleaning stuff etc. I'm getting a lot of messages from my ex still, but I've stopped replying. It's all very nice still, but I know he will change tactic soon. I know the next step is going to the police, but again I am still so scared of the fall out from him. Thank you all so much for advice and your kind words.

I just wanted to say how much I admire your immense courage for leaving your abusive ex. You're a wonderful mum. I wish you lots of happiness for your new life.

@ineedanonmol I’m having a sort out of my airing cupboard this week, and several pairs of curtains in there if they are of any use to you? They are various sizes as they are from my old home.
If they would be of help for the time being and you want to message me, I am more than happy to post them to you X

You are so strong, I'm glad you've had some important things work out for you!! You really deserved some luck. Great that your friend was able to help you out with some furniture too: do you have people you can talk to IRL? If not (or in any case maybe!) I can't remember if you are in touch with Women's Aid? It may be helpful if you suspect your ex will turn and get nasty to have your supports set up in advance, IYSWIM.

Well done OP

One day, maybe in a few weeks or months, you will look back on all this with pride. You will have created a happy, safe home for you and your child from scratch. Just you, on your own. You're fantastic x