Keys to my new home and feeling sad

[ineedanonmol]

I have finally left my abusive partner after trying since the start of year and today I signed my tenancy for my two bedroom maisonette for me and child, but some how I feel so sad. I know my ex partner is abusive and can't change and it's not fair on me and my child, but I feel so upset I am leaving him and that I will miss him so much. My dream I had with him has shattered and i'm moving to a council property (luckily in a lovely area) at the age of 31 after living in a house my partner owned. I have lost so much and i'm starting from scratch. I'm so scared how i'll manage it all on my own and how I will cope with my child on my own and all the other responsibilities. Right now I have very little money and no wardrobes, cooker, fridge or even washing machine and i'm so scared how I can provide for my son. Sorry for the pity party and I know I should be so happy we now have freedom.

Are you on any meds for the anxiety? If not, it might be an idea to see your GP.

Perhaps also contact whoever it is who's supposed to be dealing with the extra security, to find out how long you'll have to wait, and what you can do in the meantime.

I’d really encourage the cold turkey. If it’s too hard to change number could you give that phone to someone you trust and they can warn you if needed. You’re doing really well. I used to check messages daily. Then twice a week then once a week. Used to live with blinds down at first. You will get there.

@Motoko I try not to take medication unless I really need to as it makes me feel a bit rotten the next day. I've chased them today so fingers crossed they tell me something.

@HappyHedgehog247 it's so hard not checking and I have muted it so it's up to me if I want to look. I feel a bit more in control knowing what he's up to, but then I know it still means he has control over me.

OK. Well, when you're feeling anxious, just stop and concentrate on your breathing for a minute or two. I also find trying to keep my mind and myself, busy helps. I always have the radio on just so there's no quiet background, because even if I'm not properly listening to it, I am half listening, so my mind is too busy to wander off thinking unhelpful thoughts!

I hope you don't have to wait long.

I'm ashamed to admit I saw him again, he still has no idea where I live, but I did go to his house to return some things and he begged me to stay. I did end up staying and we ended up sleeping together. Sorry for TMI but we had used the pull out method for a long time effectively, but he decided not to this time, which resulted on me getting the morning after pill ( he begged me not to, but I guess he wants to trap me now to stay). I just was caught up in the moment and how it all was before things got bad I am kicking myself now for my stupidity and know I will get flamed, which I deserve. I am so upset of how weak I am and how I let myself be so stupid and in this situation. He told me how much he loved me, begged me back and told me it would be different, but deep down I know it's not true and I'm still holding onto this fantasy of the dream he sold me at the start. I just wish I was stronger to cut ties and move on with my life, but it's so difficult. I know the facts, I know about the abuse, I've done the freedom program and I've started counselling again this week. Please be kind.

I'm not going to flame you, you'll be doing that yourself. I will tell you not to get yourself into that situation again. Stay away from him. If you still have stuff of his, either post it, chuck it, or ask someone else to give it to him.

Yes, he was trying to trap you.

I'm glad you're going to counselling this week, talk about what happened. It's quite common to do what you did, it can take some women many attempts to leave, before they finally do. It's a shame, because it just sets them back to square one, and they have to start all over again, and it drags it out for longer than it could have done.

So, forgive yourself, and resolve never to allow yourself to be in this position again.

I get it. You’re mourning the death of hope.

Hope that he’d change, that you’d be happy together, that he’d be a decent man/partner/father.

This is the BEGINNING of your journey, not the end of anything.

It will get better. With your ex it would only ever have got worse

You will feel unsettled for a short time, but you then get used to the sweet taste of breathing free air, not jumping or flinching at the turning of a key in a lock.

Your child will blossom in DAYS, mine did. THIS helps you see that it’s the best thing for you/dc.

Well done! You’ve achieved a lot, and will achieve so much more.

Go back to freedom programme- in person - do the therapy, it will get easier

And... block him- don’t allow any more contact from him.

Vanish from his life and get on with yours.

This is a man who wants to trap you, control you and destroy you. He’s your enemy.

I'm going to make enquiries today about starting the freedom program locally. I can't help myself thinking that no one will ever want me again, as he's destroyed my self-esteem which wasn't great to begin with. He hasn't seen my child and he's doing great without him. He's begging me so much to return and it's so hard not being tempted. It's like the devil trying to temp me and I feel so weak and powerless. I don't want to go back and I want to move on but it's so hard. What is wrong with me :(

You need to block him, so he can't keep contacting you. By keeping on contacting you, he's keeping himself in your head. The only way to give yourself the space you need, is to block his means of contact. Do it!

If you could only see through the internet and see my life now....

Seriously!

I have more than everything I’ll ever need, I am absolutely adored by an utterly amazing man, living somewhere most could only dream.

Oh you can (and will) be loved, but you have to learn to love yourself first, and in doing what you’ve done, by seeing your ex for what he is, for protecting your little one... we all love you, little one loves you (and is blooming) it’s only a matter of time

Forgive yourself, you’ve done nothing wrong love.

Please please block him. He’ll move on and leave you alone then, and you’ll be free to find your better life.

Remember we’re always here for you if you need a hand hold? If not the daytime lot, our mumsnetters around the world take the night shift!

I love the advice from you all, it really helps so much. I have never felt weaker in my whole life than I do right now. I know I need to block him, but it's so hard and I worry about how he might act if I do, but I know it's what I need to do.

Is there any way you can get a new phone number and give your old phone to a friend/relative to 'monitor'. They could check any texts/voice mails from him and relay to you anything you really need to know.

Listen, we all make mistakes, we all 'backslide'. The only bad thing is if we don't learn from them. You have learnt that you're still susceptible to him and that he will do anything to get you back. What you have learnt is that you must, simply must, stay away from him.

If you can’t block him, absolutely do as @AcrossthePond55 says, get a new phone and migrate everyone except him

He can’t do anything to you

That’s what the police are for

You may get help from your local welfare provision for essential household items.
Best of luck you will get there. It's all yours now.

Sometimes we do what we have to do, because we have to do it. It might be the most difficult thing at the time, but once it’s done, it’s done and life goes on.

You’re feeling the fear of anticipation, there is a saying that says the anticipation of fear is worse than the fear itself

Trust me, again been there done that

This guy doesn’t even know where you live! You’re safe, you can vanish and life a decent life.

Have faith, we’ve seen this and worse and they’ve come out the other side

Sorry i havent read all thread ...how old is your boy??? X only asking because if he is young i have lots i will happily send to you ..new nearly new etc x

Give it time.. look at what you did in this year. You valued yourself enough to stop this person from abusing you. It took a year and you have made a massive step. One year from now you are going to be in such a great place in your life. It's scary because now you have a new normal- but the best part is that you get to decide what it is. One step at a time, you have done great so far.