Keys to my new home and feeling sad

[ineedanonmol]

I have finally left my abusive partner after trying since the start of year and today I signed my tenancy for my two bedroom maisonette for me and child, but some how I feel so sad. I know my ex partner is abusive and can't change and it's not fair on me and my child, but I feel so upset I am leaving him and that I will miss him so much. My dream I had with him has shattered and i'm moving to a council property (luckily in a lovely area) at the age of 31 after living in a house my partner owned. I have lost so much and i'm starting from scratch. I'm so scared how i'll manage it all on my own and how I will cope with my child on my own and all the other responsibilities. Right now I have very little money and no wardrobes, cooker, fridge or even washing machine and i'm so scared how I can provide for my son. Sorry for the pity party and I know I should be so happy we now have freedom.

I'm so proud of myself already, I am feeling a little stronger each day, but still a million miles from where I should be. I'm so thankful for my son who keeps me going through this all.

Great news about the grant, things will be much easier with those in place. The rest you can build up slowly.

Don't forget to get a TV license! You can pay monthly for that, it's about £12 a month.

Meant to say, you should be proud! It's not easy leaving a relationship, and you will have ups and downs, but you'll get through them, and become stronger every day. And, you and your son will have a better life.

That's great news. shopping trip coming up.

I wouldn't get a tv licence, just don't tune the channels into the tv, then you don't need one. Netflix is much cheaper.

I'm really enjoying my new home, but I do miss my ex so much. It's so hard going no contact and I still feel so guilty leaving him, when I know I shouldn't be.

Please don’t feel guilty. He gave you no choice and you’ve been so brave. I’m worried that you still say you love him so much despite the awful abuse and control. Have you done the freedom programme? I recommend it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It takes time to build a home but over time you can make it the kind of life you would like now for you and DS.

Too right you shouldn't be; he's the one who should be feeling guilty.
Great news about the grant, hope you are also enjoying putting up your feet every now and then and just sitting there enjoying the peace, quiet and safety of your new little haven.

I'm so proud of you OP. I just want to advise you under no circumstances tell him or anyone who may pass it on your new address. I know it seems obvious but just in case - he WILL turn up and he WILL cause issues. Ignore ignore ignore. He can't do anything as he doesn't know where you are. Advise work of the situation, and that if he calls asking for details or even shows up there that you want nothing to do with him and they are not to confirm anything to him. Again hugs and I'm so happy for you and your little boy

You don't actually love him, you love the fantasy of him.

What is it about him that makes you think you love him? The times when he was being nice? The times when he made you laugh? The times he told you he loved you, and you were the only woman for him?

Those times he was acting, they were tools to keep you with him, to make you think that if you just did x,y,z, he'd go back to being the lovely, caring man he was at the beginning. That's how abusive men keep their hold of their partners. If they were their real selves from the start, they'd never get past the first few dates.

When you start missing him, remind yourself of all the shit he put you through.
And yes, do the Freedom Programme.

You'll get through this, one day at a time.

I'm really enjoying my new home, but I do miss my ex so much. It's so hard going no contact and I still feel so guilty leaving him, when I know I shouldn't be.

You will get passed that feeling of missing him, when you have your life fully on track and confidence back to where it should be, you won't miss how he treated you one single bit. Best of luck to you

Op read about trauma bonding. You are bonded to him and that's why you miss him. You can overcome this.

It's normal but sad and hard but you will come through this. You have a whole new future ahead of you, free from abuse.

Right now you can't see it but you will and soon. Koko. Keep on keeping on.

OP one day you’ll look back at this thread and realise how strong you were, even when you felt at your weakest.

I too am around 50 miles north of London and locally there are a lot of Facebook groups where people give stuff away for free. It might be worth searching and seeing if there is anything nearby.

I hope you have a lovely weekend with you son.

OP, I was you a couple of years ago.

I can relate to the guilt, etc. I left while he was at work, and my anxiety was through the roof that day.

I was in my late 40s, have teens, yet there I was, starting from scratch again.

My local town has a furniture project. People donate pretty much any household stuff, and those on benefits can buy them at very low prices, so I did. I managed to use my meagre savings ( he was financially abusive, amongst other things) to get beds, a small 2nd hand fridge and 2nd hand washing machine and began building up after that. We lived out of bags for weeks. I cried for days, grieving what could have been had he not been abusive.

Today, we are fine. Ex doesn't know where we are, kids are doing ok, and we're so much happier as we can do our own thing.

Posted too soon...

OP, sending you much love and I hope you reach your happier days soon. 💐

I still miss him holding me and cuddling me. Even though he was abusive he was very affectionate when not being an ass. I know it's more me getting used to be alone and also the trauma bond. He's asking me back and going from nasty to nice very quickly. I have muted the texts and calls, so it's up to me if I want to read him and if it gets worse I can take it to the police. He will never know where we live if it's anything to do with me and only my close friends and family know, who I know won't betray my trust. I have done the freedom program and found it very helpful. I still have the book and read it when I can.

The house is coming along nicely an I've got a few bits from local fb groups.

Of course you do. We all crave physical closeness, it's human nature. And our nature just wants to feel the closeness, it doesn't really care who the closeness is with. Ergo, the one night stand .

But what you really 'miss' is your dream of who he was supposed to be. That's what's hard to get over. The dream.

Yes I think you're right. The dream he sold to me, but never delivered on, it's hard to get over. He's already been looking for me and saying he's found my car, then the next day saying it wasn't actually my house. He's got the complete wrong area to start with. Very weird though.

I think he's just trying to trick you into revealing where you live by hoping that you'll panic if he guesses the area. Make no comments, don't change the tone of your voice.

Yes, it's hard to get over the dream. We 'set our course' based on those promises and it's hard to deal with having to rearrange everything, pretty much everything in our lives. But we do it, because in the end we want to be happy. And we aren't happy with them. You just have to develop a 'that was then, this is now' mindset and whenever you start to 'dwell', remind yourself that living in the past is never as fulfilling as looking to the future.

OP, forgive me if I've missed this, but what reason do you have for keeping the same number? Changing it would relieve that last bit of stress and control over you.

He's trying to force you into communicating with him. Trying to convince you that he will always find you and you might as well give in, as he can't be stopped.

Once upon a time, one of my exes did similar - I didn't respond and changed my number fairly quickly. In that intervening period, he messaged a number of times saying things that made it sound as though he knew exactly where I was and what I was doing. However, even things such as 'Nice top', 'Your hair looks good like that' or 'I can see you right now. You've just turned your bedroom light off' are fishing for a response and to make you feel as though him controlling you and owning you are inevitable. Even responding 'Don't think so' to 'I've found your car/house' is suggesting to him that he needs to cross that particular area off and look at the other likely places. There will be messages 'saying goodbye, I can't live without you', claiming to have taken overdoses, be sitting at the top of a cliff about to go over, comments about 'your new man', threats to him, messages that something terrible has happened that you need to know about, serious illness, fire, theft and plague of locusts. None of it will be true - it'll be to drag you back in to communicating and hopefully letting slip something that'll make it possible for him to find you.

You need to completely refresh all your personal security - not just block him, but changing your privacy settings so that if you get tagged on something, he can't see it - Friends only, not Friends of Friends, you're not searchable by name, email or phone number, new number for WhatsApp, no 'find friends through your address book'. No posting on public pages.

The council won't mind if you get a camera doorbell fitted. The cost of continually recording/saving the footage will be invaluable in terms of peace of mind and, in the worst case, providing evidence. Get a camera for your car, as that will show if he's actually been near it.

When it comes to missing physical contact, yes, that can be difficult at first. But you have your DC. The feeling tends to go after a while - and you will most likely feel your flesh crawl at the thought of him touching you once you look at how scary stalker he is being even when you've left him. He used that touching to get away with abusing you.

You can do this. You will do this. You are doing this. For a shell of a woman, you've obviously got a thin steel core running straight through your middle. Which is pretty good going in my mind.

^^ What Mitzi says.

I'm not on FB, but I know there's a way to make yourself virtually 'disappear' from another person's FB. It's more than just 'unfriending' but I don't remember what it's called.

DH did it to a former friend. None of DH's posts show up to this person and it doesn't show if he's been 'tagged', even on a mutual friend's feed. The only time this person would even know DH was on FB at all would be if someone referred to him by name IN a post. And if this person were to search DH's name, it will not show his page in the results. For FB purposes, DH doesn't exist for this former friend.

If you are on income based benefits, you can apply for a budgeting loan, you as a single parent could borrow £812, it is interest free & is repaid through your benefits. Does the council you rent from do furniture packages that you pay for with a small supplement on your rent?

Ask your council if they run a sanctuary scheme, mine did & came to fit me additional security, I got alarms on all my windows, improved locks, security lighting, my mobile & landline phone numbers tagged so that if I ever rang 999 I was treated as a priority. I could have had a sanctuary room which is when a room is made totally secure for if your abuser gets in your home with hardwired telephone connection, panic alarm, steel door that you can lock yourself in to stay safe. I felt this wasn't needed but many women do have this done.

Thank you so much everyone, there is some really great information. I'm going to see who I can contact tomorrow about getting some extra security put in place around the home. Realistically he probably knows there is probably only a handful of places I would move to and he has all the time in the world atm to make my life hell. I know I need to get a new number, but I get so anxious of not knowing what he's planning next, but I know it's keeping control over me still. I've even considered changing my job as he could still find me there. I have replied to him on occasions just to have some relief, but it's not helping me in the long term and I need to go cold turkey soon for my own sanity.

I'm waiting to hear back on what extra security can be offered on my house. My anxiety is sky high and I just have a bad feeling he will find me eventually.