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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you don't have to share a piece of cake

999 replies

WaxMeltHoarder · 08/10/2019 09:24

We went to visit PILs over the weekend. On the way, we stopped at a nearby town which has a regular-and very good-artisan market. We bought a heap of food to take to PILs for a nice lunch, and DD, age 12, bought herself a piece of cake from one of the stalls. This cake has apparently been all the rage amongst local children, it has been all over local social media. It's basically a rose gold themed cake piled high with sweets and icing. £3 for a small slice but DD bought it with her own money.

We went to PILs, had lunch, DD then ate her cake. All good.

Later, as we were leaving, MIL said "thank you for bringing lunch, it was lovely" FIL then said "yes and maybe next time DD will have learned to share her cake, instead of stuffing it all herself"

I laughed it off and said "oh well, good luck getting a twelve year old girl to share anything with sugar in it" and FIL got really ratty, saying "well I'm afraid she should be made to share, I couldn't believe it when I saw her sitting there, eating that cake without offering it around"

DH at this point said "Eh, it was one slice, and she bought it herself" FIL huffed a bit and we left.

AIBU to think this is bonkers? A box of chocolates yes, but surely nobody expects to share one slice of cake? If everyone had had some, there would have been none for DD!

OP posts:
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7
Lunde · 08/10/2019 17:06

.... and this is why the world has so many entitled, sulky manchildren - so many people pander to them! They eat their own cake (which naturally doesn't have to be shared) but feel entitled to what someone else is eating as well because of course they should get more than everyone else! Hmm Hmm Hmm

Of course FIL doesn't mention "sharing" until after he has eaten his own cake Hmm

notso · 08/10/2019 17:07

Who shares a slice of cake around though? even as an adult, especially when everyone else has dessert of their own?
I do. If there's a box of cakes in our family there's always people going halves.

PancakeAndKeith · 08/10/2019 17:09

I would appreciate no capital letters and no swearing

WELL THATS A FUCKING SHAME. This is mumsnet and we can swear because we are grown ups.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 17:10

Thanks to this thread I've had to go out and buy chocolate cake! DD and I have just stuffed our faces! No, we are not sharing with anyone else and no, there's no regret here!

I offered you some of my jelly baby . . .

MsChatterbox · 08/10/2019 17:11

FIL was being unreasonable. My FIL always takes my son's food without asking him. If I comment on it he gets offended.

mikulkin · 08/10/2019 17:12

@AryaStarkWolf I never said I will be pissed, I said I would wonder about my guest's manners. I don't need anything to be brought to my house and would be happy to host but I do appreciate good manners.
I wouldn't say anything, wouldn't let a good day to be ruined but I would wonder about manners.
I remember years ago my friends and I went to our friend's place - he offered us wine and beer and then went to kitchen, made himself a cocktail and drank in front of us. We had a nice evening with him but all agreed that was a strange behavior even though we all laughed that the pink cocktail looked tacky and we probably would have said no anyway.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 17:12

I do. If there's a box of cakes in our family there's always people going halves.

That only works if both agree to it.

As has been pointed out, FIL didn't want to share until AFTER his cake was eaten - and even if he had, if WaxMelt's DD declined his not so generous offer of "halves" then it would be tough!

Orchidflower1 · 08/10/2019 17:13

@Sheld0r I can go one better- I’ve now had to bake a cake as I want the whole house to smell yummy!!

sam221 · 08/10/2019 17:13

I'll be honest-I need a picture of this 'cake slice'. I mean it could very well be worth the fight!!!!Grin

mikulkin · 08/10/2019 17:14

@notso thank you! I do too!

mikulkin · 08/10/2019 17:15

anyway I am off this thread.
All the capital letters and effing is getting mad.

Being adults doesn't mean swearing and shouting @PancakeAndKeith

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 17:16

he offered us wine and beer and then went to kitchen, made himself a cocktail and drank in front of us.

But that IS bad manners - a child eating a piece of sweetie-encrusted cake so she could tell her friends that she'd tried it and it was fab (or not), in their grandparents' house when everybody else was eating their ADULT dessert, because, you know, they are ADULTS, is a different box of patisserie altogether.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 17:18

Being adults doesn't mean swearing and shouting

You are right Mikulkin

It's not big and it's not clever. It's sometimes pretty funny, though Grin

PancakeAndKeith · 08/10/2019 17:22

No, being adults doesn’t mean swearing or shouting, but it means I can without ‘nanny’ telling me off.

I don't need anything to be brought to my house and would be happy to host but I do appreciate good manners.

I don’t know that forcing a child to share their cake is good manners either.

Sewrainbow · 08/10/2019 17:22

Not read full thread but the more of op posts I read the more I think fil is a nasty greedy selfish git! My heart broke at the thought of "my ducky head..." and then to betold he was selfish Shock he was 3! Angry

Reminds me of a story my mum told me about an uncle of mine sulking because she'd brought cakes to my grans for her children and my cousins and he didn't get one!

DC3dilemma · 08/10/2019 17:22

What a wanker. I think what irks me most is the passive aggressive behaviour. No mature, “may I try a bite?” while she was actually eating it, just the shaming comment about stuffing herself after.

And for those who say it isn’t a gender issue, it so is...he might not have meant it that way but girls get it drip by drip, and he certainly sent another drip in her direction. Boys get complimented on having hearty appetites, served larger portions while girls get these remarks for doing anything other than eating like a bird.

I’d call him out on it. You don’t have to go defcon 10, but just pointing out that his remark was unkind and insensitive -if he wanted to try the cake this time or another, there are better ways to go about it.

kateandme · 08/10/2019 17:24

please tell me your dd didnt hear this.that kind of thing is a bloody trigger for eating disorders!

Wonkybanana · 08/10/2019 17:26

WMH next time you go to the PIL's, make the most delicious, OTT looking, small chocolate cake, covered in smarties, rolos, chocolate buttons, maltesers. Go mad. Put it in front of DD and then say sweetly that you remember last time you were here, grandad wanted some too, so DD, offer him a piece please. Let him take one huge bite, preferably two. Then DD should say that as he likes it so much he can have the rest of it too. Forget to mention that most of the chocolate is laxative.

Unknownanon · 08/10/2019 17:27

Yanbu he is greedy and rude himself. He had his own special cake he 'stuffed' his face full of and didn't share but decided dd was greedy for not sharing?

He has food issues. My FIL is the same, he also races to eat his dinner and scrape seconds and thirds before everyone. He also pouted on a day out when we had only all their favourite crisps and peanuts because 18 month old dc got an organix oaty bar instead!

notso · 08/10/2019 17:31

But that IS bad manners - a child eating a piece of sweetie-encrusted cake so she could tell her friends that she'd tried it and it was fab (or not), in their grandparents' house when everybody else was eating their ADULT dessert, because, you know, they are ADULTS, is a different box of patisserie altogether.
When does it become bad manners though? Your saying she's 12 so its acceptable, would it still be ok if she was 16? 18? 21?
We're generally taught this kind of thing from those around us, to me if somethings bad manners for adults then children should also be taught it's bad manners.
The FIL was rude but his behaviour was challenged.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 17:31

Forget to mention that most of the chocolate is laxative.

Oooh!

Diabetic chocolate has a laxative effect if eaten in quantity . . .

. . . I'm told Blush

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 17:36

You've misread my post notso

The "It is bad manners" bit was referring to the quoted words in bold at the beginning of the post - where someone had offered wine and beer to guests and then made himself a cocktail.

The rest of it (after the dash) was supposed to say that the girl eating her own cake was not bad-manners.

Sorry - I obviously wasn't clear. Like many of the things that I say (which sound fine in my head Grin) this has obviously come out with a different slant to the one I intended.

PanamaPattie · 08/10/2019 17:38

Cancel the cake!

BertrandRussell · 08/10/2019 17:39

I suppose one of the things that surprised me about this thread is that people consider a 12 year old a child when it comes to manners. When do people expect nt children to have the same manners as adults?
(For the avoidance of doubt, i’m in the rude man not rude girl in this case because there were cakes for all and an explanation given as to why hers was different).

MediocreOmens · 08/10/2019 17:40

@Pinkyyy From my perspective, stating your culture in this way is using it as a shield or defence. It's saying I have these views but they are from my culture so that excuses them. When it doesn't. I am sure there are many wonderful things to take from your culture but that doesn't make the not so wonderful things free from criticism, just because they are traditions to you. Child labour is a shocking example from this thread. People are simply disagreeing strongly with your views that are often at odds with modern society and the law. Given the strength with which you post your opinions you are going to get an equal response. They are not targeting you, they are targeting your opinions.