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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you don't have to share a piece of cake

999 replies

WaxMeltHoarder · 08/10/2019 09:24

We went to visit PILs over the weekend. On the way, we stopped at a nearby town which has a regular-and very good-artisan market. We bought a heap of food to take to PILs for a nice lunch, and DD, age 12, bought herself a piece of cake from one of the stalls. This cake has apparently been all the rage amongst local children, it has been all over local social media. It's basically a rose gold themed cake piled high with sweets and icing. £3 for a small slice but DD bought it with her own money.

We went to PILs, had lunch, DD then ate her cake. All good.

Later, as we were leaving, MIL said "thank you for bringing lunch, it was lovely" FIL then said "yes and maybe next time DD will have learned to share her cake, instead of stuffing it all herself"

I laughed it off and said "oh well, good luck getting a twelve year old girl to share anything with sugar in it" and FIL got really ratty, saying "well I'm afraid she should be made to share, I couldn't believe it when I saw her sitting there, eating that cake without offering it around"

DH at this point said "Eh, it was one slice, and she bought it herself" FIL huffed a bit and we left.

AIBU to think this is bonkers? A box of chocolates yes, but surely nobody expects to share one slice of cake? If everyone had had some, there would have been none for DD!

OP posts:

Thread gallery

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 14:39

I get annoyed when I have to share a full cake.

Same here.

I would rather spend another ten quid and buy someone else a full cake than give them a share of mine.

BeefTomato · 08/10/2019 14:40

So DarlingNikita would you be happy with my barbecue example everyone has burgers and sausages to eat but the hosts have steak and chicken just for them?

This is different because in your situation they were adults who are hosting other adults. In OP's situation the guests brought all the food. It's more like if you went to a BBQ as a guest and brought lots of sausages to share but also a veggie burger for you because you don't like meat, and the hosts got annoyed because they wanted to eat your veggie burger as well as your sausages.

Or the play date example someone else gave Mum brings out biscuits just for her and her own child.

This is different because in your situation the hosts have no food and just have to watch other people eat, whereas in OP's example everybody got cake, it was just that DD had chosen a different cake. Your example is more like if the OP had shown up for a feast but only for her own family and the grandparents weren't allowed any.

I agree that the people in your examples are rude, but they aren't the same as this situation.

FeckOffGraham · 08/10/2019 14:40

If my FIL made similar comments about my I'd be seriously miffed.

What a total weirdo. Avoid! As much as you reasonably can, obviously.

FeckOffGraham · 08/10/2019 14:42

My DD*

MulticolourMophead · 08/10/2019 14:43

lottiegarbanzo

Cranberries might be nice. I made this last week, and found that the mix took a bit longer to cook around the fruit, but tasted good.

CSIblonde · 08/10/2019 14:43

It was a bit rude to only have cake for one person if there was no dessert offered with the food you took. They felt they'd missed out on a treat & she was getting special treatment.

notso · 08/10/2019 14:44

I think in the BBQ example the implication is that chicken/steak are better than burgers and sausages? So, false equivalence: there’s no suggestion here that the DD’s cake was ‘better’ than any of the others
Arguably the FIL thought DD's cake was better otherwise he wouldn't have been bothered by having some of it. The cake has been 'all over local social media' so I'd assume their was something attractive about it.

Obviously whether sausage or steak is better is personal taste, you've inferred steak is better but the point is there was one set of perfectly good food for one set of people and a different variety of food for someone else. I find that really odd behaviour.

JacquesHammer · 08/10/2019 14:44

It was a bit rude to only have cake for one person if there was no dessert offered with the food you took. They felt they'd missed out on a treat & she was getting special treatment

There were desserts for everyone. An array thereof.

Desserts. For everyone.

TheNavigator · 08/10/2019 14:44

@thenavigator It does apply to adults, if I had a treat for myself that I didn’t want to share I would have waited until I got home. It’s not anti child I try and treat everyone equally child or adult..

So you would sit and eat nothing while everyone had their dessert then eat your dessert at home alone? That would make you very odd and anti-social (& quite rude..)

NearlyGranny · 08/10/2019 14:45

Next time, OP, hunt out one of your wax melts that looks like a cupcake and offer that to FiL. 😉

TotorosNeighbour · 08/10/2019 14:46

is your fil younger than your daughter? Yanbu

TheNavigator · 08/10/2019 14:46

Arguably the FIL thought DD's cake was better otherwise he wouldn't have been bothered by having some of it. The cake has been 'all over local social media' so I'd assume their was something attractive about it.

He only thought it was better after he had already eaten his own. A point that seems to be missed by many.

TatianaLarina · 08/10/2019 14:46

What?

Everyone had cake/pudding. No one else offered to share. Why should she have done so?

It’s just polite that’s all. Old school manners.

JacquesHammer · 08/10/2019 14:47

but the point is there was one set of perfectly good food for one set of people and a different variety of food for someone else

There was a range of desserts. OP said they chose a variety of different ones - presumably catering to their hosts tastes. Nobody had the same thing.

Tweefutom · 08/10/2019 14:50

I think your DD should have either eaten the prized cake at home or (if she wanted to eat it at PIL) should have offered everyone a taste.

That said, your FIL handled it badly. He could have asked for some at the time rather than making snide comments as you left.

MarshaBradyo · 08/10/2019 14:50

Why does one person in particular have to offer?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/10/2019 14:52

It’s just polite that’s all. Old school manners.

Is it old school manners to be rude to guests visiting your house? Sounds like it is for some folk.

OP your FIL was a bellend and your DH was right to call him out on it. If you'd taken nothing for anyone else I might have understood but that kind of petulant "you brought me cake but I want that cake" with a tantrum is the domain of three year olds only.

myrtleWilson · 08/10/2019 14:52

@tweefutom so presumably FIL should have offered the OPs daughter some of his cake too and yet he didn't.....

ElizaPancakes · 08/10/2019 14:52

Tatiana so 12 year olds should be held to a higher standard for manners?

This is such an odd thread. And I’ll say again, so many people must have really odd, overly formal family set ups.

Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 14:53

No I would have shared my desert but if I was unwilling to share (which I wouldn’t have been) I would have eaten it later. I’m not sure what is so difficult to understand about this.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 14:53

Next time you visit FIL take him a special cake. A cake too sickly to be true; hollowed out and filled with buttercream and sugary cake decorations. Loaded on top with dolly mixtures or something over-sweet. Insist he eats it all himself. Every last crumb. Then declare how much fun your friend’s toddlers had “helping” you make it; “they had her hands right in the buttercream bowl, bless them!”

"And they were all full of cold, too. I was forever wiping snotty green candles off their noses."

mikulkin · 08/10/2019 14:53

Your FIL was rude but I do think it is not polite to eat a cake with people around when you know you cannot offer it to anyone.

I would have never allowed my DC to bring a slice of cake with them and eat in front of everybody. If your DD really wanted that cake she either had to eat it at home after the visit or you should have bought a couple of more slices so you can offer it to others. I realise you bought other sweets but it is still not polite.

MarshaBradyo · 08/10/2019 14:53

FIL sounds like he was being an arse and definitely not displaying better manners than the child.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/10/2019 14:54

I think your DD should have either eaten the prized cake at home or (if she wanted to eat it at PIL) should have offered everyone a taste

Seriously? You'd have made a child give everyone a mouthful of her small slice of prized cake?

I've never enforced sharing of precious stuff on my DC and both are kind and generous because they know stuff that's really special to them (and who am I to define what they can and can't find special - cake for example) can be kept to themselves.

ElizaPancakes · 08/10/2019 14:54

Honestly - this is getting into the realms of having to hide your kitkat so the toddler doesn’t want it. It’s ok for one person to treat themselves.

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