To think you don't have to share a piece of cake

[WaxMeltHoarder]

We went to visit PILs over the weekend. On the way, we stopped at a nearby town which has a regular-and very good-artisan market. We bought a heap of food to take to PILs for a nice lunch, and DD, age 12, bought herself a piece of cake from one of the stalls. This cake has apparently been all the rage amongst local children, it has been all over local social media. It's basically a rose gold themed cake piled high with sweets and icing. £3 for a small slice but DD bought it with her own money.

We went to PILs, had lunch, DD then ate her cake. All good.

Later, as we were leaving, MIL said "thank you for bringing lunch, it was lovely" FIL then said "yes and maybe next time DD will have learned to share her cake, instead of stuffing it all herself"

I laughed it off and said "oh well, good luck getting a twelve year old girl to share anything with sugar in it" and FIL got really ratty, saying "well I'm afraid she should be made to share, I couldn't believe it when I saw her sitting there, eating that cake without offering it around"

DH at this point said "Eh, it was one slice, and she bought it herself" FIL huffed a bit and we left.

AIBU to think this is bonkers? A box of chocolates yes, but surely nobody expects to share one slice of cake? If everyone had had some, there would have been none for DD!

So many of you must have really formal relationships with your parents.

If one of my sons spent their pocket money on a treat for themselves, no I wouldn’t allow them to take it to a friends house and either not take a piece for the friend or tell him he didn’t share.

But buying a selection for the family we’re visiting and explaining that there’s a selection but this one is for X as he paid for it himself - why is that rude? I can assure you my children have impeccable manners, and would have shared a bite if asked, but if they’re not allowed to eat the treat they bought themselves in front of their grandparents then where are they? Why would it be different in your own home, for example? Are children just expected to share everything with the adults in their lives or hide away so as not to invoke some odd jealousy?

Did everyone eat their 'sweet treat' at the same time - or did the cake make an appearance several hours later?

@Rainonmyguitar you are entitled to think that. I disagree.

It’s a tricky one. Your in lawsuit are obviously quite formal, so I think I’d have said to DD to eat the communal puds and take her bought treat home. It’s alwys a bit odd someone having something different. I have a daughter with an allergy so have to bring her separate stuff to everything and it’s amazing how many people say ‘ can I have that too?’. I explain gently but want to say ‘fuck off, these things are the ONLY things she can eat here!’

Your FIL is definitely rude though. I may have thought it a bit odd without any explanation but there is no way I’d have said anything.

I actually would be really cross at this behaviour from him. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I’d make a point of not bringing a lavish and very generous lunch with me next time.

FIL is grumpy ! you guys were okay to let her eat her own slice of cake

“But buying a selection for the family we’re visiting and explaining that there’s a selection but this one is for X as he paid for it himself - why is that rude?“

That isn't rude at all. But it’s not what the OP said happened

Yanbu. With respect he sounds a childish prat.
He got a nice artisan lunch brought round for free, and he's quibbling over a child not sharing a small slice of cake she bought with her own pocket money

Yes he's bonkers. You can't share one piece of cake with 4 other people. 🤯

He needs to grow up.
And I don't see it as being rude that she ate a slice of cake. The people that think it is quite rude need to adjust their attitude a bit.
If I saw a younger family member eating a slice of cake, I wouldn't think anything of it. Why should I? It's just a slice of cake fgs. There's some serious entitlement issues with some people.

Sounds a lot like my dad. When I was growing up he would regularly take food off my plate without asking, and once took a whole piece of toast I'd just made myself. When I objected, he told me I was selfish and should just make more (!)

We all recently went out for a curry - me, DH, DS7 and my parents. DS7 is currently obsessed with Tandoori chicken, but we thought a main would be too big for him so we ordered a starter. He loves sharing, so kept giving bits to everyone, including my dad. My dad, meanwhile, decided to order a Tandoori main for himself. When it was brought out, it was huge and looked amazing, and DS's face just lit up. But no, he piled it all onto his plate and didn't offer to share with anyone (we were all sharing the other dishes between us). In the end I pointedly asked him whether DS could try some, and he looked surprised and gave him a small shred of chicken. DS even said thank you

It’s not about entitlement. It’s about taking a sharing platter for sharing, but appearing to hive off a part of it for one person. I wouldn’t do that, but if I did, I would definitely precede it with an explanation (as I regularly do with my daughter).

He is certainly rude for pointing it out, especially to a grandchild and especially in such awful terms.

He sounds a miserable grasping killjoy

He certainly does. Is he this much of a twat about everything else?

When I was growing up he would regularly take food off my plate without asking, and once took a whole piece of toast I'd just made myself. When I objected, he told me I was selfish and should just make more (!)

This is classic toxic parenting behaviour. Taking food off your child's plate is stamping all over your boundaries.

@zzzzzzzz12345 I get that but she bought this slice of cake herself. It wasn't for sharing. It shouldn't be an issue, especially since everyone else had something to eat.

I don’t think anyone is in any doubt that the man was rude. The question is whether the girl was, and if she was, how rude? IMO, considering that there was cake for all, and everyone knew why she had a different cake to everyone else, then no she wasn’t rude at all. There’s a sliding scale from that to very rude if there was no cake for anyone else and no explanation. Which is the scenario in the original post.

Your FIL is a child! Honestly how petty.

I wouldn’t share the cake either.

FIL is just a greedy fat entitled bastard. He can buy his own fucking cake.

Jeez, if your FIL had snatched half my toddler's duck biscuit and made him cry I'd have lynched him! What a grade-A bellend!

12 pages and no-one has asked to see the cake?

A 12 year old boy in my community works 5 days a week.

I have since seen what community you refer to @Pinkyyy and I don't want to debate that, but can you at least accept for a huge part of MN (and society in the UK in general) most 12yo aren't working 5 days a week.... Thus your point a few pages back is moot.

My dd often has different desserts from adults, partly due to a nut allergy but also because she doesnt like certain flavours. I don't think anyone has ever questioned it tbh, even before we knew about her allergy. In my world it's not unusual for children to have different desserts/treats to adults. I don't think I have ever met a grandparent that would want to take a special treat cake from their grandchild. He was been a childish selfish man.

@BertrandRussell OP may not have been 100% clear in the OP, but she clarified that the situation within 15 mins, 3 hours ago and yet people are still talking like the Dd ate a mahoosive slab of cake whilst her family starved around her. I just don’t understand why people aren’t able to grasp the situation here.

So many of you must have really formal relationships with your parents.
Nothing to do with formality, more why would my parents who I love deserve to be shown any less respect and manners towards them than anyone else in my life?
To me politeness and manners aren't something you switch on and off, it's just how you behave.

The FIL in this case most definitely behaved rudely which is inexcusable. However IMO daughter was also rude or allowed to be rude too.

And @Pinkyyy give it a rest with your "in my culture..." bollocks.

You're always banging on about how men shouldn't lift a finger in the home and get all the best food, women must do all housework and childcare, and boys must play with trucks/diggers and girls with dolls/ponies. It's sexist, degrading and ridiculous, so it's no surprise to see you stand up for the FIL here.

We often buy individual slices of cake and if buying for guests/others will choose something for them. Or occasionally the dessert we provide for everyone, one of the DC's don't like (crumble for example) so we will get that dc something else. I would never expect them to share their dessert just because they had something different.

Would your fil expect her to share because her dessert tailored to an allergy or intolerance for example?

He is an unreasonable and greedy old man!