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Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
DustMyselfOff · 07/10/2019 17:54

Hah. This was my DH of 15 years 9 months ago with a woman at work. 4 weeks ago we split up as he is 'in love' with het and doesn't love me.

But if he's not prepared to stop it himself then an ultimatum won't stop him. They need too decide where to put their energy and if it's not their marriage then that's the beginning of the end.

There's fuck all you can do really but don't be surprised when this turns into a full blown affair of some kind - even if he never fucks her your marriage is fucked.

katkit · 07/10/2019 17:54

Are they both on Strava. Or similar? Do they run at a similar pace?

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 17:54

I can run to the top of "one of Yorkshire's premier crags" from my front door in under half an hour, so I am very lucky. I still occasionally go for climbing weekends away with people other than DH though (usually other women).

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 18:01

Sorry, but I'm with Dust. Unless he admits now, that he is starting to check out of the marriage and says that he wants to work on that by going for counselling and severing ties with her... instead of working on his new hobby with his mummy friend, I'd be pretty sure it's the beginning of the end and tbh, I'd just make plans to leave / separate.

My dad and brother both had affairs and ruined their marriages, so I've seen it fairly close up and it really is like a slow motion car crash that everyone sees coming but can't do much to prevent, UNLESS, he admits the problem and wants to work on it. That includes telling mummy friend to do one.

RONNIETRIX · 07/10/2019 18:03

It could be allinnocent bug the fact he knows it upsets u and refers to it as ruining it for 'us ' isn't good.

You need to ask him how he would like it the other way around

Good luck xxx

IncrediblySadToo · 07/10/2019 18:06

You would be ruining it for them

Get him told- there is NO ‘them’

...or if there is, there’s no ‘us’.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2019 18:08

Voice of experience here.

OP, your DH is making it all "OK" by telling you about it. He's also gaslighting you by suggesting your lack of approval is ruining things for them. He is behaving out of character and is defensive about his "friend".

My husband was all "helpful and supportive" to a "friend" who I didn't know he was even in touch with. I was "mad" to suggest anything untoward etc etc.

Now my ex-husband, he lives with his "friend" and I am a single parent. Anybody here who says they'd be "fine" with a situation like this are deluding themselves.

Ellisandra · 07/10/2019 18:11

My husband goes skiing every year with a female friend who:

  • is more attractive than me (objectively better looking, though I know everyone is attracted to different things)
  • a far better skier than me
  • and I’ve never even met her as they met in a bar when skiing, so I have zero insight into their interaction or her potential motivation

I give zero fucks. Some of my friends are aghast.

I’m sharing this because I’m still going to say trust your instincts.

Assuming that you don’t have a long history of unfounded accusations, and you’re just a regular wife feeling uncomfortable - there’s a reason for it. Your brain will interpret his body language, how often he mentions her... all sorts of cues. I don’t believe in ‘instinct’ as some kind of magical power - it’s just your conscious catching up with all the signals your brain has been processing.

I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing, with accusations.

I’d get a babysitter, get some time away from the kids and talk to him about it. Don’t say “you fancy her and will have an affair”. Say “marriage is long haul and people get tempted and this can be how it starts and I want to make sure our marriage is strong”.
He needs to understand that it’s fine to talk to her... but not if that means he starts not sharing the same chit chat with you, because he’s already chatted about it. Talking (especially about non child stuff) is part of the glue of a relationship. Has he been talking to you less as he talks to her more? Could he novelty, availability, ego stroke... the first two are fairly innocent, and it might help to talk to him about the unintended consequences.

I am NOT blaming you... but is this a wake up call for yourself about putting effort into your marriage? 3 kids in 10 years... it’s hard.

Good luck, it’s not an easy position to be in.
It’s fine to have opposite sex friends, but it’s also fine to listen to your instincts about that. I’d be thinking - sure, you can run with her. But only if we’re both still putting effort into our marriage.

Sron · 07/10/2019 18:12

My husband was all "helpful and supportive" to a "friend" who I didn't know he was even in touch with. I was "mad" to suggest anything untoward etc etc.

Now my ex-husband, he lives with his "friend" and I am a single parent. Anybody here who says they'd be "fine" with a situation like this are deluding themselves

But your husband was hiding the relationship -- the OP's husband is being upfront about his friendship with this woman. And I can assure you I am not 'deluding myself', DH and I have managed not to fall onto the genitals of any of our opposite-sex friends in almost 30 years. And I don't think we're all that unusual.

Ellisandra · 07/10/2019 18:13

For all I’ve just said, I’m with everyone else on the big red flag that is telling you you’re ruining for them Hmm

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 07/10/2019 18:14

Oh dear. This is too much investment. Yes organise play dates, meet ups with kids but that's disrespectful to you, making time to go running with another woman it's going to end in tears.

Ellisandra · 07/10/2019 18:16

@Sron I agree with you that such friendships don’t inevitably lead to an affair.

But I have to disagree that him being open makes it any more likely that it is legit. Plenty of people hide in plain sight - either because they have no choice or because they make the calculated decision to do so.

Open doesn’t = affair
Open doesn’t = not affair

Sn0tnose · 07/10/2019 18:18

The thing is, if he wants to cheat, he will cheat.

In your shoes, I’d sit him down and very calmly tell him that he can obviously do what he wants, when he wants, with who he wants. But he needs to understand that actions have consequences. So if he thinks about disrespecting you or cheating, he needs to remember that he will be ending your marriage because you absolutely will not tolerate being cheated on. And with the end of your marriage comes leaving his home, everybody knowing what he has done and looking at him with disgust, a bloody expensive solicitor taking him to the cleaners, naming her in the divorce petition and seeing his children once a week. So if he doesn’t want that, he needs to think about his next actions very, very carefully, because there will be no coming back from it.

Obviously, we all know that divorces don’t always work like that, but perhaps shock tactics are what is required here.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 18:19

Ellisandra

For all I’ve just said, I’m with everyone else on the big red flag that is telling you you’re ruining for them

YY. This is 100% what makes this different.

Angrybird123 · 07/10/2019 18:19

Sron did you read my post? My ex was honest too.. In fact he even told me straight up he was developing feelings for her and I was so damn cool I still didn't forbid him from seeing her because I wanted him to make that choice. He didn't.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2019 18:21

@Sron I knew the woman. I am not going to into details, suffice to say he gaslighted me into thinking I was a complete bitch because her husband had just been killed. She emailed me to tell me how wonderful my husband had been. They were fucking and had been for a very long time yet I was the mad crazy wife who didn't appreciate their "friendship". Your situation works for you, for the half a dozen people I know who have been in OP's sitaution, including one of my dear RL friends who has posed upthread, it's ended in divorce. OP's husband language is a red flag.

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 07/10/2019 18:21

TheFormidableMrsC , that is very similar to what happened to me.

Mentioning it to make out that it was just an old friend. Not mentioned her before. Red flag.
Change in behaviour, blamed on me - Red flag
Discouraging me fromn attending coupley things - Red flag
Denying anything was going on - Red flag
Change in phone habits...

IckySnicky, I hope you are OK.

Wetnappies · 07/10/2019 18:24

YANBU.

And what a PP said, you're not ruining it for them because there is no them.

Honestly, if I became friendly with a married man I would never suggest starting running just the two of us for fear of making his wife feel paranoid, even if it was innocent. So she should understand that you're not okay with this and so should he. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you suddenly had a new male friend that you wanted to go "running" with. Are they even going running?!

Sron · 07/10/2019 18:26

In fact he even told me straight up he was developing feelings for her and I was so damn cool I still didn't forbid him from seeing her because I wanted him to make that choice. He didn't.

@Angrybird123, but I fail to see how your behaviour being less 'cool' could have altered the situation. It's perfectly possible DH could fall in love with someone else tomorrow. It's possible I could I developed feelings for a work colleague years ago feelings I suspect were mutual -- but, being an adult committed to my marriage, I chose not to act on them, and it passed off. But unless we're going to commit to a purdah system, nothing I can do will prevent this, unless I'm going to live in state of clenched readiness, regarding all relationships as potential affairs. For me, that's no way to live.

Drabarni · 07/10/2019 18:27

The biggest red flag to me, is her not wanting to be friends with you.
Along with him saying you'd be ruining for them.

I bet he talks about her a lot. Perhaps next time tell him to change the record and you know he fancies her.
Tell him he's following the script, maybe point out which bit he's at.

zebrasdontwearbras · 07/10/2019 18:27

I think if my DH suddenly developed a close "friendship" with another woman, esp a school mum, and announced he was going to start running with her, I would just know something is very wrong.

I think there's a certain "script" people follow, in their heads, when about to embark on an affair:

They start by convincing themselves that's they're "just friends", or just doing X hobby together. After all men and women can be friends, right?

Then they get closer and closer, and then ooops, they've accidentally shagged - but neither of them planned this, did they? It just happened.

OP - I have't read it - but I've seen the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass recommended to women on here in the past.

InfiniteCurve · 07/10/2019 18:27

I hadn't realised when I got married that I was committing to no other friendships or involvements that DH wasn't interested in.No shared hobbies - and exactly what do you do if you are bi? No sharing your interests with other men but no sharing them with women either.
Seems a bit bleak really.

Sheld0r · 07/10/2019 18:30

I agree with pps that have said having a female running partner isn't the issue here. The issue is him seeing himself and the OW as 'us' and you being on the outside getting in their way.

DH loves mountain biking but I can only just ride a bike. There's no way I would be able to keep up with him on the flat let alone going up a mountain. He takes a female friend with him on one of his rides occasionally because she can keep up and it's nice for them to have company. There was never any overly friendly messages and they don't text each other very often. There's no way I would have felt comfortable with the friendship and their bike rides if my DH had acted like this or made me out to be the outsider.

Trust your gut. If it's telling you this isn't right then the chances are that it isn't. He should respect you enough to keep comfortable boundaries with this woman.

hellymart · 07/10/2019 18:32

I agree with many of the other posters that this would be a red flag for me, I wouldn't like it at all and I think you are absolutely right to be suspicious. Why not call their bluff (if, indeed, there is more to the relationship than friendship) and invite the woman and her partner round for dinner? If she doesn't have a partner, I'd be even more worried. Good luck, I hope you sort it out.

zebrasdontwearbras · 07/10/2019 18:33

It's not having friends of the opposite sex that is the issue, it's the nature of the friendship here - the suddenness, the closeness, the not having really had female friendships in the past, that is the red flag. Plus the setting themselves up as "us" vs the OP ruining their fun, as pp's have said.

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