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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
HillRunner · 07/10/2019 17:28

I’m not sure about all this, “Well if he was going to do it, he’d do it: you just have to trust him.”

I can't speak for others, but that's not what I was saying at all. I don't think the OP should just trust him. I think she should have a frank conversation and make clear her views on this. His response will steer the way forwards.

But I don't think she should view it as a woman trying to steal her poor helpless husband. Because that's not true - he isn't helpless at all, and he is the one at fault here. He will only cheat if he wants to, and if he does want to the OP won't be able to prevent it by trying to mark her territory in all the bizarre ways suggested upthread.

midnightmisssuki · 07/10/2019 17:28

Is he a known cheat? Is that what you’re saying you’re afraid of?

itsgettingweird · 07/10/2019 17:29

If my ex DP did this I'd be suspicious because the trust had already gone.

For me it's the fact you don't trust him that makes me think there's more to this.

I know plenty of male/female running partners. Also cycling. It's not the hobby it's the fact you don't trust it'll remain a hobby.

I agree with others that you tell him you don't have an issue. That you will be doing x hobby yourself on x days and he can watch kids then. But if he crosses the line it's over and it'll be a choice he's made.

easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 17:29

would you shag her if you were single?

Not ever considered it tbf. I don't tend to think about what my life would be like without my partner so it seems a funny premise

Now I'm thinking about ffs Grin

But no probably not, i value our friendship alot

dottiedodah · 07/10/2019 17:30

I think this is suspicious to say the least .He may not be intending to have an affair ,but the fact that he is spending time with her and enjoying a hobby is worrying .Many people get close to someone this way .Why do they have to go running on their own?.Maybe suggest a running club they could join?.The fact she is disinterested in speaking to you would be a red flag Im afraid .

MonnaLIza · 07/10/2019 17:31

"(who turns up with make up so I assume also wanted to hook up)."

I had some twat making comments on the fact that I was running a marathon with full make up" "you are probably slow because you do not want to sweat". Ha. I left him behind me at mile 1 and finished nearly 1 hour before him. Please do not make assumptions on women runners on how they look. Lipstick does not impair my ability to be competitive on the road.

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 17:32

I also think that the running is almost a red herring here. His change in behaviour, messaging her all the time, describing his relationship with her as "us" - those are the red flags, not the fact that he wants to do a hobby with a member of the opposite sex.

I occasionally run or climb with men, but my DH isn't bothered because there is none of all that other stuff going on.

woodymiller · 07/10/2019 17:35

There's lots of circumstances where this would be totally fine, for instance if she's equally friendly to you, he's wanted to take up running for ages and she's introducing him to a club or they are going to a park run to run with 100 other like-minded souls. But the thing that really made me want to come on and say trust your gut is where you say DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault.
Making you feel like the guilty party to deflect from his own guilt.

MonnaLIza · 07/10/2019 17:35

I also think that the running is almost a red herring here.
Agree with HillRunner there, as I mentioned in my earlier post, if it's a group of runners from a club, from which you find a particularly suitable partner which happens to be of the opposite sex is a thing, taking up running with your new "friend" another.

nmc99 · 07/10/2019 17:36

I'd like to know if the woman in question is single

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 17:38

It makes no difference to the OP whether she is. her DH could choose to cheat with a single or a married woman.

RaquelWelch · 07/10/2019 17:40

bakesalesally @Easyandy101 is basically saying he is cheating on his partner, who is / was a cool girl

easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 17:42

The way i read the 2 bits people are questioning:

Burnt: OP sees her partner blindly stumbling into the evil clutches of OW, thus naively playing with fire

Husband being defensive: it's almost like he knows his wife would be really upset about the fact he has a female friend. And lo...

Any other day and the answers may well be "op just cos you wanna fuck your husband doesn't mean that everyone else does"

Isitnearlyweekend · 07/10/2019 17:42

I would not be happy with this and don’t blame you for being suspicious. I would feel exactly the same. It is worrying that you feel he is becoming emotional invested in the friendship. I know there are people who very much believe that men and women can innocently be friends. This is all fine until some woman is being friends with your own husband. You’re going to have to sensitively deal with the situation. Best of luck x

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 17:43

Is that really what you took from Easyandy's post?!? He said that he climbs with a woman and hasn't ever considered her as a potential shag partner.

easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 17:43

bakesalesally @Easyandy101 is basically saying he is cheating on his partner, who is / was a cool girl

wut? Grin

easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 17:44

That's the exact opposite of what i said ffs Grin

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 17:45

Going away for weekends with a climbing partner is pretty normal btw - unless you are (like I am) lucky enough to live by a crag, climbing usually involves travel. It's not an indication that someone is cheating! Grin

Going away for a weekend with your running partner on the other hand.....

Sron · 07/10/2019 17:45

Please do not make assumptions on women runners on how they look. Lipstick does not impair my ability to be competitive on the road.

This. ^

And honestly, imagine you've met the most gorgeous man at the school gate. You are desperate to seduce him. So you wait for it suggest you both start doing a hobby in which, if you're a beginner, you will generally sweat buckets and spend these shared outings scarlet and panting for breath, mopping your agonised face on your wicking top. Deeply seductive. Grin

easyandy101 · 07/10/2019 17:48

Yeah the closest I've got is an hour away, and it's soft sandstone

notacooldad · 07/10/2019 17:49

. and this is a problem because ...? This sentence maybe?
DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault hmm
Already finding a way to play the blame game.

HolaWeenie · 07/10/2019 17:51

Tbh, even if you're well wide of the mark, he should care more about your feelings than this. What a twat.*
*
^ I agree with this, if I was uncomfortable with something, whether I was barking up the wrong tree or not, I would hope my husband would respect me and care more about my feelings.

Angrybird123 · 07/10/2019 17:53

I was a cool wife.. Totally didn't mind my now ex getting back into his music once the kids were a little older. Totally didn't mind him becoming a supportive friend to the singer who was going through a tough time. I did mind a bit when she sent him a video of her singing a song just for him (insert pet nickname which had been a long standing 'us' joke) but I was so cool I didn't ask him to stop, just to keep their contact band related. I know it's not MN law to say this but SOME men genuinely are a bit more naive about relationships.. They generally don't spend their teens talking and analysing interactions endlessly. I saw the video and warned him that she was making a play for him. He said he got it and would limit contact. Guess who he is now married to? These things do often start out exactly like the op said and SOME men are clueless at picking up on what is going on. They get flattered, attention, and yes, suddenly it's 'them' rather than 'us'. It's not about blaming one or the other exactly, it's dynamics and basically OK marriages that are jogging through the slog of childcare / work/tiredness can be vulnerable to this.

katkit · 07/10/2019 17:53

I think this needs to be pulled right back so that in ten years' time, he's thinking ' I almost had an affair' rather than 'I had an affair and totally messed up my life.'

It's not ideal but it's not too late either.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2019 17:53

@Easyandy101 is basically saying he is cheating on his partner, who is / was a cool girl

I honestly think some Mnetters are either reading a different thread, or they're living on a different planet!