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Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 18:35

Tell him he's following the script, maybe point out which bit he's at.

Ha! Love this idea.

And YY sheld. It's totally disingenuous / obtuse to pretend this is just two friends who happen to share the same hobby, going for a run Hmm. My DH runs with women at work.
It just isn't the same thing.

banskuwansku · 07/10/2019 18:37

If this was my dh I would let him go for a run but he also should take ds with them so he can train for kids' park runs.

Redcliff · 07/10/2019 18:42

Another one who feels the way he is talking is the concerning bit. I used to go running with a guy from work at lunchtime and we are both married and there was 100% nothing more than that. We would even have lunch together sometimes.

Actionhasmagic · 07/10/2019 18:42

His reaction is bad. It’s so defensive

DustMyselfOff · 07/10/2019 18:43

"Sron did you read my post? My ex was honest too.. In fact he even told me straight up he was developing feelings for her and I was so damn cool I still didn't forbid him from seeing her because I wanted him to make that choice. He didn't."

I wasn't 'too cool', I was too supportive (read co-dependent) and used to putting all my feelings to one side in preference of his. He still hasn't shagged her, I don't know if they've even kissed yet (and quite honestly don;t want to) but it was definitely cheating. The amount of effort and energy he put into his 'friendship' compared to how much he put into his relationship with me.... Nothing I could have done. He chose to prioritise the new and exciting, dismissed everything we'd shared as 'not love' - presumably in order to ease his guilt "Hey, not my fault, can't help my feelings" etc

Such a fucking cliche. Now he's off living his best life with loads of time for hobbies and trying to kid everyone that he did the best thing for both of us and saved me from his bad-husband-self whilst I deal with two small children, going back to work FT after nearly a decade SAHM and my trashed self-esteem, trust, confidence and god knows what else.

Sorry to sound like the bitter, cynical man-hater but men are fucking cliches and even the ones you think "would never do this sort of thing" turn out to be ones who would.

Witchinaditch · 07/10/2019 18:44

Running is not a team sport.

theunknownknown · 07/10/2019 18:44

In your shoes, I’d sit him down and very calmly tell him that he can obviously do what he wants, when he wants, with who he wants. But he needs to understand that actions have consequences. So if he thinks about disrespecting you or cheating, he needs to remember that he will be ending your marriage because you absolutely will not tolerate being cheated on. And with the end of your marriage comes leaving his home, everybody knowing what he has done and looking at him with disgust, a bloody expensive solicitor taking him to the cleaners, naming her in the divorce petition and seeing his children once a week. So if he doesn’t want that, he needs to think about his next actions very, very carefully, because there will be no coming back from it
Except it may not mean that at all as he is the sahd and op is the working parent - it may mean that he gets resident parent and the op is non-resident. Lots to think of here as judges don't care about who cheated - just what is best for the kids.
fwiw op, I would be very uneasy about this

Drabarni · 07/10/2019 18:45

Ask him who them is? Remind him what he said and act confused, ask what he meant.
He is free to go running whenever he wants and always has been, you are sure she is free, also. Two totally separate people?

That should do it, watch his face squirm.
I'm not saying he will do anything, but maybe he likes having his ego stroked.

HillRunner · 07/10/2019 18:46

I don't think he's a SAHD?

He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location.

^ This makes it sounds as though he works, but his commute is more convenient for school drop-off than the OP's.

theunknownknown · 07/10/2019 18:49

oh ok - read upthread he was sahd, so followed on from that
ignore me op - other than the bit where I said I would be very uneasy about this

ThisIsTheThirdTime · 07/10/2019 18:50

Those of you who say you have lots of male friends etc, the OP has stated that her husband has never had female friends so this behaviour is different for him. The fact that the woman isn't interested in being friends with the OP also screams that there is more to this. If I'm genuinely friends with someone, male or female, I WANT to get on with their partners and I will be friendly and welcoming whenever the opportunity arises. My instincts would also find his behaviour off.

Angrybird123 · 07/10/2019 18:53

Sron had I been less cool, I would have told him that this 'friendship' was now a serious threat to our family and he should think carefully about if he wanted to be a divorced dad. He may still have chosen her.. They are married and I assume happy, but so were we, with the caveat of humdrum work / childcare I mentioned previously. (obviously now he says he was miserable and the ow was entirely coincidental but that's another thread). I do suspect that had I been less cool, told him he was 'playing with fire' to use the OPs language, I might not be a single mum with kids who only see their dad 4 days a month. People can make conscious choices to back away, falling in love is neither passive nor inevitable. It's a choice but one that is much easier to make before you get in to deep.

sussexman · 07/10/2019 18:59

So one of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen was "just take a later train" - no reason to drop the hobby or the taking to school, but do it earlier - or pick up instead of drop off, do the hobby in a different group. i.e move the problematic engagement and it will likely just wither and die.

Also, just invite her round with her kids one day. Be friendly. See how she and he are.

Drabarni · 07/10/2019 19:03

Tell the kids that daddy and whatever her name is are taking them for a run, keep the youngest at home maybe?
His reaction should tell you how far it's gone.
Unless he is already having an affair with her and this is a way to gain extra time, it sounds like he is enjoying having his ego stroked.

I swear to God I did know a man once, by association who really didn't see the signs, and that coffee didn't mean coffee.
It made me think because he was similar in that he didn't have/make friends.
It's also prime time for mid life crises too.

INeedAFlerken · 07/10/2019 19:07

Trust your gut.

This is off, and needs to be spelled out to him that there will be no going back if he cheats on you. It will not have 'just happened'; he's setting it up to happen. And you won't stay with him when it does.

Drabarni · 07/10/2019 19:07

Make an excuse to do drop off one day, see if the other mums give you any looks, you can tell when others know there's something fishy. My friend told me this about the man who also never made friends.

Thighsofregret · 07/10/2019 19:08

They call it going running together now eh!

Look; you know your husband, and you feel uncomfortable with this friendship. That should be enough - you don’t really need the opinions of Internet randoms ( other than to experience utter astonishment at the admonishing tone of some ) . Plus, his comment about your discomfort ‘ spoiling things for them ‘ does not suggest someone who places your feelings above those of himself and his friend - a woman you describe as rather cool where you are concerned.
I’d be concerned about this friendship. I’d be very concerned if my husband didn’t engage with me in addressing those concerns.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 07/10/2019 19:11

I genuinely don't see a problem here. Nor would I have an issue with my husband in the same situation. Why can't they be friends and go running together without you?

If he's going to cheat he will cheat regardless of whether you ban him from doing anything with other women.

PepePig · 07/10/2019 19:18

I wouldn't be comfortable with this. I'd think he's right on the line between acceptable friendship behaviour and an emotional affair. The fact he's acknowledged that you wouldn't be comfortable and not cancelled/offered you to come with them, etc, imo would be enough to see where it's headed. I'd sit him down and explain, rationally, exactly how you feel about it. If he's apologetic and reduces contact to an acceptable level then great. If he protests then... he's a dick.

MikeUniformMike · 07/10/2019 19:20

thatmustbe, the problem is that OP has to put up and shut up while enabling her DH to spend time with another woman.
The DH has crossed a boundary.

Humbugsymalone · 07/10/2019 19:21

I'dsit him down and explain the reasons for it making you uncomfortable. Remind him that you and the kids are the priority, and agree that whilst you don't want to stop a friendship unnecessarily, him running alone with a woman he sees every day is not ok with you,and therefore not OK. Ask him to dial it down a bit, as he's acting like a man who is having/planning an affair. His response will tell you what you need to know.

I have quite a few male friends, but if my husband ever (reasonably and calmly) asked me to tone it down as he was feeling worried about it, I would without question

Pinkypurple35 · 07/10/2019 19:21

He’s given himself away with the comment you're ruining it for us. Can you do the drops offs for a bit to observe her and see how comfortable she is around you? Especially when talking about running?

PepePig · 07/10/2019 19:33

After RTFT, I also agree with PP that her behaviour makes it even more suspicious. I know whenever I've been good friends with guys with partners, I've always made a big effort to take to their partners if they're out with us. I don't think of myself so highly to think women would be threatened by me, but I just want them all to know themselves that I'm not interested in their guys at all in that way.

The fact she's being sketchy heavily implies she has feelings for OPs husband and feels awkward at the very least.

lisamac28 · 07/10/2019 19:33

I’m not sure about all this, “Well if he was going to do it, he’d do it: you just have to trust him.”

I totally trusted my ex. I didn't question his friendship with a new work colleague. He still had an affair with her. Trusting people doesn't mean they won't betray you.

SmoothLawAbider · 07/10/2019 19:33

Anybody here who says they'd be "fine" with a situation like this are deluding themselves

It's not about being fine with it for me, it's about the idea that the only reason he wouldn't have an affair is because I stop him spending time with another woman. If my partner's fidelity to me were so fragile that a bit of attention from and time spent with another woman were enough for him to cheat on me, then our relationship would already be as good as over. No point trying to stop him at that point.