To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

[Ickysnicky]

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

I’d be a bit concerned as to why they’ve suddenly decided to take up running. Could it be their legitimate excuse to spend time together.

People are very unsecure on here.

So he does the school run. Makes a friend in school run. Takes up a hobby with friend and because the friend has a vagina she's automatically going to be some evil temptress

And your poor DH won't possibly be able to control his penis, even though he's in a committed relationship?

I think it is strange to question how 2 people who see each other often on the school run would become friends. The same as anyone else who sees someone often somewhere. They interact,find commonality and bond!

I think I'm okay with it because I don't see my marriage breaking down as the end of my life. Part of that has been conscious choices that mean it won't be the end of my lifestyle, let alone my life. Learning to become inter-dependent instead of co-dependent has worked well in lots of ways in terms of self esteem and self worth but ultimately, I'm more confident that my marriage will last for the foreseeable future now than I ever was when I couldn't envisage a happy life without him. We seem to truly love and appreciate each other more.

I don't mean it wouldn't be upsetting and a big deal, but I know I could still be okay and find happiness within myself and with someone else eventually.

I wouldn't like this at all.

Is there any way you could take dcs to school instead?

ChilledBee

I feel the same about my marriage and, like you, this is deliberate. I would be fine, emotionally and financially, if we split. I have made it that way, because I wouldn't like to be dependent on anyone other than myself for emotional or financial security.

BUT, what I would find very distressing, would be if DH cheated and I as suspicious, but didn't find out for a very long time, until HE had put all his ducks in a row, was truly in love with someone else and was leaving. It's the bit between being happily married and being alone.

For that bit, I would rather minimise the pain, by having a good understanding of where we were. And that would include mentioning if I thought DH was embarking on a friendship with someone that was bordering on inappropriate.

What inappropriate means will be different depending on the couple. For the OP, because the DH doesn't have many friends and has never had a woman friend and because OP believes he's enjoying the female attention and the woman in question is apparently quite disinterested in the OP; this is inappropriate. For other couples it won't be. My DH runs with women at work. Of course that's fine. They work with him and probably have minimal interest in me. That is also fine.

But this has always been the state of things.
It's changes in behaviour are always a bit of an alarm bell. So, maybe if my DH stopped running with everyone but a certain woman, she started calling and texting him at all hours of the day and night, they started meeting up alone together in the evenings and weekends. All of those things could have innocent explanations, but I would at least need to discuss it with DH and he would be the same with me.

For the op, the new friendship her dh has, along with him saying, "you're ruining this for us", would worry me a bit too. And it wouldn't be because I fear being alone in general. It would be that bit in between I wouldn't like.

Anyway, arguably, the DH here should be more worried about finances than the OP, as he is a SAHD isn't he, so has no income I guess.

Plus, if DH was falling out of love with me, which meant he was having his head turned, (or the other way around; he had his head turned SO he was falling out of love with me, I would rather we get that out in the open before he cheated ideally, as then, we might have a better chance of an amicable split.

In my dream divorce scenario, we would still be good friends, although I know that isn't always realistic. It would be harder to stay friends if he'd messed me around for months, years even, before he dropped a bombshell that he was offski. If we could be open with each other the whole way along, we might still be friends at the end.

He's not a SAHD. He does the school run on his way to work.

Also, there would be a better chance of me having a civil relationship with the OW if the pair of them hadn't had to sneak around behind my back all the time. If it was all out in the open and DH decided he wanted to pursue a new relationship and that we should divorce, they wouldn't have to sneak, I wouldn't feel so betrayed and they wouldn't have to make stuff up together like "she's so controlling", "our marriage has been dead for years", blah blah. Also, there wouldn't be the added frisson of sneaking around making it feel a bit sexier for them, so they'd know it it was a relationship genuinely worth pursuing or just seemed that way because it was forbidden.

So, all in all, I stand by my theory that discussing it now, (and being crystal clear but not angry about it), is the best policy.

@Motoko

No, I think the op said he is a SAHD? Did I not read that?

theunknownknown

oh ok - read upthread he was sahd, so followed on from that

Ah sorry, I misread this as if the OP had said he was a SAHD.

No, someone else assumed he was a SAHD, because he did the school run. OP said He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location.

Yes, thank you. I already corrected myself.

I have to agree with previous posters.. If my other half was acting like this, I think that would be the start of the end of our relationship, whether he actually cheated or not. I wouldn't be able to live with the disrespect, it would be a pride thing for me, although admittedly I don't have kids.

i agree with others who have said it's not having a female friend that's the issue, it's the positioning by DH of him and this friend as the "us" and the OP as the "other"

My DH went on a 2 week road trip holiday to America with a single female friend from uni and I was not bothered at all because they had been friends for years, she and I are good friends and bluntly if they wanted to have sex they'd had years before he met me to do it but they hadn't.

I'm a believer in gut instinct too - if it doesnt feel right then it probably isnt. His defensiveness is a big red flag. All you can do is talk to him about how you feel and see what he says

@FeckOffGraham yes the betrayal is the worst. However, like many posters here on mumsnet, the ‘discussion’ is where the gaslighting begins. OP is finding that her DH is being super defensive, so basically telling her that there is nothing going on, that she is nagging, controlling, jealous, ‘can’t men and women be friends’ etc.

So it can be months and years before it all comes to light. Does she leave now? Before the affair happens? Does she wait and see? Possibly no Physical affair will happen but emotionally it will.

A lot of men seem to see no harm at all in emotional affairs as until it is physical they don’t recognise them as affairs.

Indeed longsummer, which is why God created Mumsnet. So we can tell people in the OP's position that they are NOT CRAZY OR CONTROLLING, REPEAT NOT CRAZY OR CONTROLLING, for at least questioning it. Most people would question this particular scenario.

How things go from here depends on what the DH does next.

Ah ffs, I lost some of that post^^.

How things go from here depends on what the DH does next.

If he refuses to engage properly and focus on their marriage, by going to counselling and avoiding this woman, then I'd personally be making plans to separate, as I said a few pages ago.

If the OP suspects something, even if she's wrong, there is something up with their marriage and her DH should be concerned about that and take steps to improve things. If he doesn't, then it speaks volumes.

Kids are a big determining factor though surely. For a kid in a home where the parents have hitherto rubbed along together fine, divorce is an absolute catastrophe (obviously if there is abuse in the home it would be different). KIds can get very fucked up by it. I've seen it many times.

I think if you have a reasonable marriage and kids, you do all you can to protect that. Most long marriages have rough spells. You don't just fuck off with someone from the school run.

He probably does feel a little flattered! There's nothing wrong with that as long as flattery doesn't develop into something more. If you put a stop to this, you'll likely push him away as it demonstrates that the trust isn't there. Assuming he's been faithful in your relationship previously, my advice is show him a little slack but get to know this woman for yourself. If she's married, invite the couple round for dinner and drinks. If she's single, invite her for a girls night and be honest, tell them it makes you more comfortable this way. You might build a nice new friendship yourself from this! Alternatively, you'll soon start working out if she's after him.

If you don't already, maybe make a little more time for each other so he feels flattered by you and vice versa. Arrange a babysitter and have a date night where you can. Flirt again and make things fun!

Most long marriages have rough spells. You don't just fuck off with someone from the school run.

Nobody "just fucks off with someone from the school run", but it starts as a friendship on the school run / at work / whatever. Then it can develop into something else. It happens all the time! Twice, fairly recently in my immediate family.

My dh being in a borderline friendship with, flirting with, even snogging or maybe even having sex with, someone else would not, on its own, be a deal breaker for me. But if he then refused to work on our marriage, having done any of those things, then that would be a total deal breaker.

Everyone makes mistakes and is open to flattery, inappropriate flirting going a bit too far etc.

But, ploughing on regardless when your OH is pointing out to you that you are potentially veering on to thin ice, then dismissing that person as being "crazy" or "controlling". That is totally unforgivable and would be the end for me.

Borderline inappropriate friendship*

OP I think you should make it clear to him what your boundaries are and the fact that the marriage will be over if he slips up here - he might just need the reminder.

Sometimes things can build up gradually (e.g: you see someone and think they’re attractive but no thought of affair goes through the mind...start chatting to them and realise you have stuff in common and enjoy their company...start seeking out their company a bit more and missing the person when they aren’t there...start prioritising seeing that person over seeing your spouse - you get the picture). In these cases the married person might not really recognise that something is developing until they’re quite deep in. They might be taking their marriage for granted and need a bit of a kick up the bum to be reminded of what they risk losing.

This sort of happened to me. DP’s sex drive was quite low and I was feeling frustrated. An attractive guy turned up (at my running club btw!) and was friendly to me so I started fantasising about him. I told myself that was fine as I would never actually act on the fantasy. Then we started to spend more time together and get to know each other and like one another more and more. My fantasies were growing out of control and I was actively looking for ways to spend more time with him and messaging him lots. I was still in denial about the risk to my relationship and convinced myself that DP wouldn’t mind as he wasn’t particularly into sex anyway(!)

Whether DP’s spidey senses tingled or whether it was a coincidence I don’t know but he brought up a story about someone else he knew who had an affair and then said “obviously if you ever got to the point where you were messaging someone and didn’t want me to know about it then we would be over”. That really hit home for me and made me realise I was crossing all sorts of lines. I cut contact with the OM and now only see him in occasionally in group situations. The fantasied faded away, DP’s sex drive returned and we are now better than ever.

But I did need that warning from him to bring myself back from the brink.

Great post from conkergame. It shows the best way to deal with this; just make your feelings clear on any type of infidelity and point out what he will lose and then it’s up to him to decide if it’s appropriate. He needs to decide if it’s worth risking your marriage and family life for a woman on the school run.

If they see each other every day, message all the time and have now come up with a hobby to do together which neither has shown any interest in before then this is massive alarm bells. They are finding reasons to be together and he is annoyed if ‘you ruin it for THEM’.