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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

447 replies

Ickysnicky · 07/10/2019 14:52

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault Hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 07/10/2019 22:18

This is not a direct comparison to men and women running together. Of course that happens a lot.

They have struck up a friendship which is unusual for her DH to do. That's a lot in a few mins of a drop off on his way to work.

They text/message/call

He talks about her too much

They have now decided to run together. DH knows it will make op uncomfortable but wants to go ahead.

What is the true motivation? If he wants to start running then join a club. If he wants to spend more time with her then.......

LionKingLover · 07/10/2019 22:29

Hope your okay op. It is strange she doesn't seem to want to talk to you I agree. X

ArizonaRobbins · 07/10/2019 22:58

These threads are depressing. I always thought my marriage was pretty bullet proof but it just seems so common

CallmeAngelina · 07/10/2019 23:04

My dh has always had female friends - I have no issue with that at all. But there was one colleague once who for some reason, set my antennae waving. I just was not comfortable with what I was hearing and I threw my toys out of the pram, big-time. Fortunately, what with dh being basically a good and loyal bloke, he was horrified at how upset I was and although he swore there was no reason for me to be concerned, ditched the friendship because my feelings were more important to him than hers.
I really hope your bloke can do the same.

Caucho · 07/10/2019 23:09

I’d be worried. Not because I don’t believe men and women can’t have platonic friendships but because it’s not ‘him’. If he was some sort of social butterfly type with lots of friends comprising both men and women I wouldn’t see an issue. I understand why you’re worried he’ll become attached if he’s not already but is difficult to criticise without them going on the defensive and saying you’re just jealous or out of order

GetKnitted · 07/10/2019 23:12

If the roles were reversed would you want your DH to trust you?

PatriciaBateman · 07/10/2019 23:17

She should be able to trust her DH... giving her thoughts and wishes serious consideration and a high degree of priority (as his life partner).

But if he shows himself untrustworthy of that, then why should he be trusted for the rest of it?

0lga · 07/10/2019 23:24

Tell him to take the 10 year old when they go out running. Exercise is good for children.

He can take all three children to your local parkrun on a Saturday morning while you get a lie in / relax. Some places have a junior parkrun too, which is shorter.

Caucho · 07/10/2019 23:27

The only support I could give him is his absolute rush to deny anything and seemingly be utterly astonished as to why you’re pissed off. It’s possible it’s innocent. It’s possible he naively considers it is having never experienced such a relationship and isn’t even aware of the ‘dangers’. However people often use this tactic. People think it can’t be true anything is going on as he’s acting far too obvious for it to be so. The good old double bluff.

You’re in a difficult position as he is trying to portray you as the unreasonable one but at the end of the day you’re allowed to feel what you feel. If he wants to post his missus is a jealous cow and is going to leave her he can do. It’s his prerogative to do so and yours not to stay with him

WTF0ver · 07/10/2019 23:30

Sometimes your spidey sense tingles over a specific person. That happens for a reason. And if his behaviour is changing...

She's not a friend to your relationship imo. I remember reading something about how a relationship/marriage is like a house. You build walls around the two of you and feel secure that way, others are kept on the outside of those walls. But, he's changing things so that he's building her into those walls and pushing you onto the outside looking in through the windows where she used to be...

Sometimes men need a "come to Jesus talk". Good luck.

Here's the windows/walls analogy: www.thecouplesdoc.com/where-are-the-windows-and-walls-in-your-relationship/

bled3 · 07/10/2019 23:36

I’d let him go and then find myself a hottie to go running with too

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 07/10/2019 23:55

he's actually made a connection with one person. Maybe nurture that instead of shutting it down?

Oh ffs, where's that eyeroll emoticon when you need it.

Longlongsummer · 08/10/2019 00:09

Sad why do people do this? Is no marriage boundaried anymore?

Like others have said I’d trust my instincts OP. Red flags

  • he has very few or no friends
  • lots of social media messaging
  • she ignores you
  • they want to move it on to regular one to one contact thinly disguised as a hobby.
overnightangel · 08/10/2019 00:10

This will not end well

Blondebakingmumma · 08/10/2019 00:11

“Oh what a great idea. I’ve been meaning to get into shape and have been looking for inspiration. When do we start?”

If he gets angry that you want to muscle in on alone time with his friend then I think it’s an issue. If they are just running for a hobby then the suggestion of tagging alone shouldn’t matter

bled3 · 08/10/2019 00:12

It’s not about boundaries it about having confidence in yourself .

My OH knows that if he did anything like this I would simply do the same and he would have to watch me have a lot more fun than he is capable of .

MsDogLady · 08/10/2019 00:36

So how do I stop it before it becomes a thing?

As @Aquamarine1029 said, it is already a thing. Your husband is prioritizing and pursuing this OW, and is using their new ‘hobby’ to be with her. This is emotional infidelity.

I get an image of a bubble containing the unusual daily interaction, ego boosts, messaging, cozy running plans, dismissal of your feelings, and view of your discomfort as a threat to THEM. Her obvious coolness to you further indicates their inappropriate connection.

He has made a choice. He has devalued you and breached his fidelity. He has developed emotional intimacy with OW and is determined to have more 1:1 with her. Personally, I would not tolerate such a betrayal and would end things. If you decide to continue, he needs to cut contact.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 07:04

I'd be so embarrassed to tell my husband he isn't allowed friends because I think he will cheat. He'd ask me wtf we are together. I think people are a lot more comfortable with being controlling and setting rules for their partners than I am. Counselling taught me that people who love and respect you will protect your relationship as far as long as that relationship makes them happy and honestly,who would want to be with someone who isn't content with you? It isn't about being "cool wife", it is about having self respect and self belief. I spent my teenage years chasing boyfriends who wanted someone else more than they wanted me. I refuse to spend my adult years trying to convince my husband that our relationship is worth it. I'm too good for that.

Sron · 08/10/2019 08:12

That is perfectly reasonable, @ChilledBee.

FeckOffGraham · 08/10/2019 08:14

I mean, does it have to be said, that it isn't about controlling who he is friends with. It is the way he is behaving towards the Op.

"If you don't let me go, you're ruining this for us".

Don't you see any sort of problem with a man saying that to his SO? It's textbook. And I've seen it happen to two couples close to me and they all pull this shit. Making out their OH is the bad guy to excuse them cheating. It got nasty with one of them really turning into a sulky, stroppy PITA with his poor wife. Just so he could feel better about shagging some OW.

As I said up thread, at least if the OP is aware and is up front, open and discusseds it with her DH, they are both going into it with open eyes. If he still decides to cheat, then he can't say "it just happened".

It's great that you feel you trust your DH entirely, but I actually think it's healthier that the OP feels able to express her feelings to her DH. Even if she's wrong, it's not good for anyone's marriage to bottle things up and pretend they're fine with something when they are not. Just my view, obviously.

easyandy101 · 08/10/2019 08:21

If you change "mum" to "dad" in the OP, no one would bat an eyelid.

Or like this:

Hi mn I'm not very good at making friends and after 20 fucking years I've finally got one but it's pissing DH over the edge and he's currently on reddit asking a load of incels what he should do about it. AIBU?

Followed by pages of people going So OP does your husband make all your decisions for you?

And also you lot sitting people down for a warning conversation, have some self respect seriously. I love my partner very dearly, and if she ever sat me down for a conversation in which it became perfectly obvious that she didn't know me after all then I'd think our relationship was severely, possibly critically, damaged

If you've got to fight for their fidelity then they're not worth fighting for surely?

HillRunner · 08/10/2019 08:25

I totally agree. If my DH had a reasonable talk with me about something I was doing that he felt uneasy about, fine. If he started going on about how I shouldn't cheat on him, or he'd divorce me and take me to the cleaners.... I'd take it as a sign that our relationship was over.

FeckOffGraham · 08/10/2019 08:32

Whatever way you look at it, their marriage is in a spot of bother. So, isn't it a good thing if they admit that and work on it?

Merryoldgoat · 08/10/2019 08:39

@ChilledBee

Maybe you’re fortunate to be in a relationship with someone reasonable who wouldn’t fuck about.

I think I am, but not because of blind faith, because of his actions. Literally nothing he’s ever done would make be doubt his fidelity.

If my husband came home one day and told me he was starting running with a colleague (none of whom I’ve met) I wouldn’t be especially concerned. He used to run, he’d like to again and he has the time at work without detracting from family time and responsibilities.

If he said he was running with a school mum I’d be extremely concerned. How did their friendship get sufficiently close to get to that stage?

I wouldn’t forbid him either, but I’m no idiot - anyone can have their head turned and I’d be prepared for that eventuality.

Iamdobby63 · 08/10/2019 08:51

Red flags indeed. To be honest it sounds like they are already having an inappropriate relationship with FB messaging and excluding you. Stopping him going running with her won’t stop an affair. Is she married? Do you get to see all the FB messages?

I would sit him down tell him that already his relationship with her is inappropriate and that he is on very rocky ground. If it were me I would say it’s wholly unreasonable for him to put the decision on you whether they ‘run’ together but that he should chose to do what is right for your marriage first and foremost and that you absolutely know that if this continues it will have a major negative impact on your marriage. Just tell him how you feel and tell him that you won’t be made a fool of and any strong inclination that there is something going on will be the end of your marriage.