DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

[PleasedToMeetYouSir]

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

You said:

I do not expect my DH to come home from work for my DS so I can stick my false lashes on early, nevermind anyone else.

So I said:

If DH knew I had a night out, he'd think nothing of getting off early (he can do that with more ease than I could at work)

I don't have a problem with changing days because she wants to do X. Really I don't.

I only have a problem with it when it comes 5 minutes before we're due to leave the house with no advance notice and then a load of guilt tripping if we suggest we can't because we're on our way out.

@ChilledBee

As are your idealistic views.

chilled I picked well too, I know I could co parent amicably with dp if we ever split.

However, I didn't pick DPs ex, and she is a total fucking moron.

you may well find that if you split with your husband, his new wife might well dislike you too.

I know that a lot of people like to hold onto the resentment and anger at an ex partner in a way that makes raising kids with them a chore and a good way to make sure the other person can never really move on. I think hubby and I have come close enough to splitting and done enough work for things not to go that way. I know that he totally hates those situations with a passion and would avoid it at all costs.

In an ideal world perhaps Chilled.

I know my husband well enough to know that someone who made their dislike for me as his ex an inconvenience to him and how he likes to live his life peacefully, they'd be gone. I was almost gone when I become obstructive in this way. Yes I was very surprised at a guy who would actively pick up and leave a relationship (of several years but new marriage) that wasn't making him happy. I'd become accustomed to people who don't bother splitting with the spouse they resent once money and property become involved (we didn't have kids yet).

Op I've not read the full thread but I agree. They are not your responsibility.
My dp pulled this once when he agreed to have them extra days while I was wfh and our joint son was in childcare - as we were at work. I flat refused to do anything as it hadn't been discussed and it massively incovienced me, there was a reason my own child was in childcare I was at sodding work.
It's not your responsibility to do bedtimes or to do what you don't want to. Malkin g them welcome and doing basic family stuff is great but bedtime is for parents as is stuff like caring for them when ill etc.
These children have two parents.
He absolutely should have discussed it with you before agreeing to exp plans ref kids as that would be reasonable and make you feel better as you had a voice.

You can create your ideal (sort of, with work and time). I'm sure you can find a TED talk on the matter

@ChilledBee

I’m glad that’s how it works for you. It sounds fantastic.

Unfortunately my DH might have meetings, be 200miles away, dealing with something urgent. So our world is slightly less perfect but it works for us.

Back to the thread OP. Sorry.

I’m wondering if @ChilledBee is the same poster who insisted a while that she knows her husband would never ever in a million years cheat on her because their marriage was 100% watertight. So many people tried to explain that you can’t ever be sure but it just wouldn’t compute.

The point was that I don't think it is wrong for a co-parent to be flexible on shift changes to accommodate social engagements for either parent. I don't think it has to be an emergency. I wouldn't like to see my kids that way.

If youd read my posts you'd know that I certainly don't think my marriage is infallible. I just know that I'll survive if it collapses for any reason and that gives me a confidence that ultimately has made my marriage stronger.

hahahah chilled you don't, you really don't.

Ive said this before many times, DPs ex was a normal and actually very nice woman when they were together. They split amicably and DP was certain they would co parent happily.

They did for a while.

and then he moved on

and she became a very bitter, twisted sad woman. She puts dps unhappiness in front of her childs happiness and every decision she makes is based on how much it will inconvenience me and dp.

People change, and tbh youre deluding yourself if you think ex husbands generally choose difficult ex wives over new wives.

I just know that I'll survive if it collapses for any reason and that gives me a confidence that ultimately has made my marriage stronger.

I’m starting to think you’re a fantasist. What on earth are you on about?!

The asking for the four hours' minding at a moment's notice from a SP who was busy elsewhere was CFish.

Erupting over a perfectly reasonable , "No, I can't, I'm in the middle of something that can't be dropped," is way over the top VVU.

FunOnTheBeach20 is not the RP and has no specific responsibility for her DSC. Everything is about goodwill here and it wears pretty thin with stunts like this.

In a true emergency of course you drop everything to pick up the pieces, but prep for a night out does not qualify. Your ex's or your own DP is not an unpaid nanny for your DC and if you want sweetness and light, better not try to exploit them.

As they get older, children quickly realise when they are being palmed off or used as pawns, and it must be miserable for them.

The point was that I don't think it is wrong for a co-parent to be flexible on shift changes to accommodate social engagements for either parent

Neither do I but I think it's wrong for one to expect the other to do so at the detriment of their own social lives and plans. And I'm not talking about one time.

I think he's annoyed that you are not stepping in so he can check out of parenting.
He's only have them 50% ut of their time and he is still moaning.

Sounds like he picked someone with crappy values and no impulse control. I know my hubby isn't like that because I've seen him navigate numerous other situations with maturity and grace. For example, we adopted his cousin's baby and that has meant some serious adaptations to how his family interact. Oh his first serious girlfriend is now the partner and co-parent of his cousin. His father had an affair with a woman throughout his childhood and has a second family of children that are interspersed in age between his own "full" siblings. He's seen drama. He's seen people navigate emotionally fraught situations with dignity and peacefully (he loves peace). He knows what he prefers and he's extremely good at changing his actions to get a desired outcome. He's a fantastic man and me being his wife isn't what makes him fantastic.

Hopefully, I have at least some of those qualities too.

We can trust that of each other. Neither of us will ever be your husband's ex and that's a great start in not having that sort of family situation.

chilled you have never seen him with a new wife, dealing with you.

You have absolutely no way of knowing how he would act.

People change.

Adopting someones baby is entirely different and frankly irrelevant.

Dp didn't pick his ex knowing she was a moron, people change and now she is one and we have to deal with it.

@mephisto

It's really sad that you think becoming less dependent on your spouse/marriage will be positive for said relationship is a fantasy. While I avoid gender stereotypes where possible, men respect independent women and are more likely to do what they need to do to keep such a woman. No man likes a clingy, emotional, insecure mess unless they have abusive tendencies.

Well I know my DH is fantastic because Kim K once tried to snog him on a night out and he declared his undying love for me and threw his drink over her...

Sorry is that not relevant

fun

Hmm it isn't irrelevant because it has essentially meant that relatives have shifted roles significantly in terms of their role in this little boy's life and that has created a sad,painful divide in the family that has required careful and sensitive navigation.

I know my husband likes peace and unity. That hasn't ever changed and he's unlikely to get a penchant for that sort of thing. Instead of all the denial and disbelief, why not appreciate that I'm sharing different experiences and consider what good bits of my life you could have in yours. That's what I did to get to this place.

I think this is going slightly off tangent here but I appreciate all the advice and comments!