DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

[PleasedToMeetYouSir]

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

NearlyGranny, maybe but to be honest, knowing her I just don't know. She's never come across as jealous or anything like that. As I've said, apart from this one issue she has always been very nice and reasonable with me. I don't have any major issue with her at all. I suppose my problem is mainly with DH who I feel is a bit spineless sometimes.

Oh and no I definitely wasn't the OW. Split for years before I met him.

Nobody cheated. We just had some differences in how we wanted our house to run and around sex. We didn't move in together until after marriage which was a huge mistake despite the fact we had been together for ages.

I did almost leave because I felt he was "stonewalling" me in terms of our discrepancies. We did therapy because frankly it was embarrassing to tell people we were splitting so soon and neither thought it would work. We didn't think we were the therapy type as individuals or as a couple. Thank god our pride was that hard to swallow.

I wouldn't stick around for that kind of drama with a six month relationship and a crazy ex making threats. This was years into a relationship where we had recently got married.

chilled ok, sounds much more unhealthy than my relationship that you know everything about.

Me and dp have been together 7 years, and we should throw it all away because of his ex. Okidokey then.

And that begins with thrashing out what his expectations of you really are - which he may realise are unrealistic even as he articulates them - and trimming them between you to something mutually agreed and appreciated; something that won't billow out of shape and become unmanageable like a badly pegged sheet in a gale!

You could divide a sheet of paper into two columns and head it what chores he does for his children and what chores you do for HIS children and horsetrade until they at least level up in terms of time and effort.

Then you can ask the question about the perceived imbalance between the appreciation shown and criticism offered. It takes less time to say, "Thanks, you did well," than it does to say "Why aren't you doing more?" doesn't it?

After all, this is not one weeknight and every other weekend, it's 50%!

@@mephisto

I never said I don't have kids. I said we didn't have kids yet. Meaning, we didnt have kids at the time we nearly split.

Your husband has an ex which threatens your babies life or wishes it dead or whatever yet you think that's healthier than a discrepancy over visitors and a difference in sex drive? Wow, you're really a broken little toy, arent you?

I said 6 months in when his ex flipped the lid about the relationship, the strong,healthy me I am now would have walked away. We wouldn't have got to 7 years because I'd know I'm better than that sort of shit. In fact, I'd have probably known that before therapy and the near split. My self esteem has never been that low.

but @chilled you're forgetting I am not in a relationship with his ex.

Your relationship WITH YOUR HUSBAND sounds pretty awful.

my relationship with mine is pretty nice, thank you.

As I said, I don't live with his ex. I don't even have to communicate with her.

You have to spend the rest of your life in your dysfunctional relationship, whilst preaching to everyone else how bad theirs are.

ok chilled I get it, im a total idiot doormat who puts up with no shit and you're a strong woman bla bla fucking bla.

Mind your own business, because you clearly have little to no understanding about blended families and how they work, or don't work.

Stop trying to give advice you know a grand total of shite all about, please.

oh, and once dps child is an adult (3 years!) I really wont have fuck all to do with the mad woman, so is it really worth packing it all in?

nah.

I would pack in a relationship over massively different view points, but then I have self respect and confidence and all the shite you listed, which you think everyone else should use and walk away, except, funnily enough, you.

Yikes... That's not very kind!

I’ve just read the other thread. Being an SM is the worlds most thankless task!

Thankfully me, DH, DSS’ Mum and her DP all rub along ok now.

This is, as so often, a DH problem

He wants you to sometimes, when he is around and available, to do the bedtime routine for his children. He is not keen on having alone 121 time with them.

It looks to me as if he wants you to slot into the role left by their mother, so that his life can continue uninterrupted.

You appear to be doing lots for them, including cooking and laundry. Sharing household costs with no adjustment for children who are shared 50:50 so he does not have to pay any maintenance. You do not appear to be getting any appreciation from him for what you are doing.

None of that would work for me.

I would definitely adjust the grocery costs if I were you. Until recently (when eldest stepson left for Uni) we split food 60/40 to address that he had two kids at home and I had one. We've now switched to 50/50. You shouldn't have to be subsidising his kids.

If DH knew I had a night out, he'd think nothing of getting off early (he can do that with more ease than I could at work) to look after kiddos and give me more time to look amazing.

How long do you need to make yourself look amazing? What are you actually doing? Takes me about 5 minutes, if that, but then my starting point may be nearer to amazing than yours.

I don't feel comfortable adjusting the costs in terms of bills and food to be honest. I may be being stupid but I just feel a bit of a non 'team' member doing that.

OP.

Agree with you on that. I have never bothered about who is paying for what. Its all in one pot in our house. If DH is being unnecessarily extravagant I’d say so. But we’re on the same page with things like that.

I don't feel comfortable adjusting the costs in terms of bills and food to be honest.

Very commendable. The person who should be at least suggesting an adjustment would be DH. Who turns out to be quite happy to share costs 50:50 but let you do 90% of the housework and is actively trying to guilt OP into doing more of the childcare ... for his DC.

All in all, it's not looking great. Sigh.

Brave move posting here as a step mother.

We are normally the scum of the earth here

I think it’s up to you how involved you are but I think you must accept that his children come first and sometimes that does mean you have to cancel plans.

When my step kids are here I act the same as I do to my own kids, I have put them to bed, cooked with them, taught them to swim, bike ride and tie their shoelaces alongside their dad.

When they are here I am second to them.

• also we have a joint bank account so “we” pay for everything.

I also do a 5 hour round trip to collect and drop them off.

but I think you must accept that his children come first and sometimes that does mean you have to cancel plans

does that not apply to their mother as well though?

When my step kids are here I act the same as I do to my own kids, I have put them to bed, cooked with them, taught them to swim, bike ride and tie their shoelaces alongside their dad

I do think that's nice if it works for your family, but I would say I don't think its the norm and a lot of ex's would consider their toes well and truly stepped on (I am not saying I agree with that POV!)