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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

427 replies

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:37

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 09:58

I'm glad you all find it amusing,thankfully it won't be our children growing up with this internalised hatred and poor relationship examples from the adults in their life. I can sleep easy. Can you? Or are you scared the ex will come round and cut your brake wires?

hsegfiugseskufh · 08/10/2019 10:00

it is irrelevant.

Until he has a new wife, YOU DONT KNOW how he would act in that situation.

I assume it wouldn't be pleasant because you are clearly so very fixated about how things will be in your little world and I can imagine you don't accept it very well when things don't pan out like that.

Unless you have a crystal ball - you don't know.

I wouldn't like any of my life to be like yours, you sound like you're living in a dream world, and if or when your bubble gets burst it will be frankly horrific for you.

Meanwhile, in the real world, I know people can change, and therefore am prepared for that eventuality. I also have much experience of co parenting with someone I thoroughly dislike, which would help me a lot it me and dp were to ever split on bad terms.

You have 0 experience of any of this and yet somehow think that YOU are best placed to lecture all of us (who combined have fucking years of experience) on how best to co parent with a nasty ex.

Righty ho, then.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 10:03

No I know my husband would never marry someone who liked drama. She could dislike me all she wanted but she would have to keep that more or less to herself. I can assure myself of that with my husband. Giving his track record in terms of picking partners, I can see why you can't and I sincerely pity you.

My bubble was burst 3 months after we got married. That's when I started to be realistic and realised that I am a person without my partner and I need to keep that person because he could leave or die at any time.

hsegfiugseskufh · 08/10/2019 10:03

ah chilled so you find it funny that some of us actually do get threatened on the regular by our husbands ex's do you?

I personally have been threatened with being killed, dp being killed, my at the time 4 week old baby being killed personally by the ex.

I have had my car windows smashed by her.

She assaulted dp in the street in front of her child.

Shall I go on? Is it giving you some laughs?

Nevertheless, it is not me who doesn't sleep at night, because it is not me who has done anything wrong, and it is not me who puts her own desire for revenge in front of the wellbeing of her children, is it?

hsegfiugseskufh · 08/10/2019 10:04

She could dislike me all she wanted but she would have to keep that more or less to herself

good luck with that. Its not me who needs pity, sweetheart.

Macake · 08/10/2019 10:06

Ah sorry, well yeah she needs to find alternative childcare (re the 50/50 thing - long thread, i skimmed) I do agree with you, if it’s become the norm to say “i’ll call your dad + “pleased” ” on short notice and regularly it’s not on.

Sorry I wasn’t paying attention and assumed you had less time with them, my bad. I’d be pissed off tbh.

Mephisto · 08/10/2019 10:08

@ChilledBee

For example, we adopted his cousin's baby and that has meant some serious adaptations to how his family interact.

And yet you say upthread that ‘we don’t have kids yet’.

Sad that you don’t see your adopted child as your kid.

Mephisto · 08/10/2019 10:10

My bubble was burst 3 months after we got married. That's when I started to be realistic and realised that I am a person without my partner and I need to keep that person because he could leave or die at any time.

I know I shouldn’t feed it but what does this mean?! Grin

Why were you a person without a partner 3 months into your marriage?

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 10:12

Given that your husband has an ex that would do those things,you deserve a lot of pity to feel completely stuck in that situation and not having the self esteem or confidence to leave and get better for yourself. I wish more women believed they were worth more than drama and fear and that relationships don't have to be that way. Unfortunately we are conditioned to believe this is our only choice and we contribute to the situation with our own resentment and anger. It's sad all round. Thankfully, I woke up to that and made changes so I could gain that's security in myself.

You have probably got used to sleeping with that constant threat of an unstable ex brought into your life by your husband but that's really sad too. You've got used to being okay with hell basically. It's like the abused child who never cries because nobody will come anyway. Goodness me.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 10:12

Because we nearly split up, durrrr.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 10:13

3 months into our marriage,we didn't have kids. There was properly and some other assets to consider but not kids. We have 3 kids now.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 10:14

Learn your tenses:

"I'd become accustomed to people who don't bother splitting with the spouse they resent once money and property become involved (we didn't have kids yet"

Mephisto · 08/10/2019 10:15

Wow what did you do to make this paragon of a peaceful man nearly split up with you?

Sicario · 08/10/2019 10:15

You are not their mum. They already have one of those. They are HIS kids and it is him who should be spending more time with them, not you. You don't have to pick up any of his parenting duties.

Men expect women to do childcare and child rearing, and your DH is no different. You do not have to do what he wants you to do. He has some kind of happy families/interchangeable mothering picture in his head.

It sounds to me like you have a good healthy relationship with his kids. I'd be chilling out with a book too!

Mephisto · 08/10/2019 10:16

@ChilledBee

Learn your tenses:

Eh?

You said ‘we don’t have kids yet’ and now say you have 3 kids. So it’s you that need to to learn your tenses.

hsegfiugseskufh · 08/10/2019 10:18

Given that your husband has an ex that would do those things,you deserve a lot of pity to feel completely stuck in that situation and not having the self esteem or confidence to leave and get better for yourself. I wish more women believed they were worth more than drama and fear and that relationships don't have to be that way. Unfortunately we are conditioned to believe this is our only choice and we contribute to the situation with our own resentment and anger. It's sad all round. Thankfully, I woke up to that and made changes so I could gain that's security in myself.

this is hilarious, like I said she wasn't like that when they were together, how do you suggest he knew she would be like this 2 years after they split up? Genuine question?!

I don't at all feel stuck in the situation, I could leave tomorrow if I wanted to, but I don't, because dps mad ex isn't a good enough reason to throw away my very good relationship. I have plenty of confidence and self esteem, thanks. I'm not angry about her behaviour anymore, in fact I think its quite funny considering they have been split over 9 years. I feel sorry for her that she hasn't moved on yet.

You have probably got used to sleeping with that constant threat of an unstable ex brought into your life by your husband but that's really sad too. You've got used to being okay with hell basically. It's like the abused child who never cries because nobody will come anyway. Goodness me

well yes, you do get used to dealing with a completely deluded woman texting you threats at all hours.

Please don't compare me to an abused child, its insulting to abused children who have real problems - I don't, I just occasionaly have to deal with an unreasonable arsehole. Thankfully I don't have to live with her or communicate with her if I choose not to.

Why do you think you know so much more about me than I do? Grin

hsegfiugseskufh · 08/10/2019 10:18

p.s I have never even come close to splitting with dp, so I am incredibly unlikely to take relationship advice from someone who almost split with their husband 3 months post marriage. HTH.

MiniCooperLover · 08/10/2019 10:21

This to me is more about your DH wanting you to take on the mother role so he can sit back and do bugger all himself instead of parenting them when they're there ...

hsegfiugseskufh · 08/10/2019 10:22

and sorry OP for derailing!

Beesandcheese · 08/10/2019 10:32

YANBU. As long as uou are not stropping like a grumpy teen of course it is disappointing when nice plans need to be cancelled.

He is being unreasonable. His children probably want some exclusive time with their dad, you giving thme space as well as joining in sounds good. Talk to him about that balance (and them too?).
My ex constantly drops his time with my two eldest completely ruining plans and frequently meaning me having to suddenly leave dinners, events even holidays. Of course if is frustrating! It frustrates my husband too! And we talk about that as we understand each others feelings. Of course the children need me and come first. But going out for a nice meal with my husband would be nice too! It's been 5 years since I have managed that!

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 10:37

@mephisto

Compromised his peace? It could be summarised that way. I had issues with him too. It took adjustment,understanding and compromise to get to a place where we chose to stay together rather than worked on it because we felt we had to. Therapy really helped.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 10:38

The person I am now, I wouldn't stay with someone who had an ex/co-parent who kicked off like that the moment they discovered the new relationship. I'm worth more than that. Sure he's a lovely guy but that's not my kind of party.

hsegfiugseskufh · 08/10/2019 10:55

good for you chilled - did he cheat on you? or you on him out of interest?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/10/2019 11:30

ChilledBee I don't understand why you didn't "have the self esteem or confidence to leave and get better for yourself" during your 3 month blip rather than stay with him. Or is getting therapy and working through relationship problems a luxury only for you?

Whattodoabout · 08/10/2019 11:33

Sigh, I always think the same thing about threads like this. If you don’t want to marry someone who has children there are plenty without. Why become a step-parent if you don’t really want to?