DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

[PleasedToMeetYouSir]

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

I’m a parent to a nearly 10year old. I do not spend every spare minute with him.
He can watch crappy kids shite on his own and I’ll watch what I want on another tele sometimes.
He’ll also take himself off to read a book as do I. There is nothing wrong with this.

We are doing our kids no favours by always being at their side.

Why become a step-parent if you don’t really want to?

I do want to be a step parent. And to me, being a step parent is exactly what I already do.

What I don't want to be or be forced into being, is a replacement mother.

They are good kids. I'd be honoured to me their mum to be honest but I'm not. And it's not fair on anyone to pretend I am in my opinion.

Shall I start demanding I go to parents evenings now? That they call me mum 2.0 and get me a mother's Day card? Maybe I can suggest that they add me to the birth certificate?

I'd like to ask actually that those who say things like 'sigh, why be a step parent if you don't want to be' actually tell me specifically what they think it is I'm doing that is wrong?

Give me specific examples from my posts please that make you think I should/could be doing more or that I don't want to be involved?

Sigh, I always think the same thing about threads like this. If you don’t want to marry someone who has children there are plenty without. Why become a step-parent if you don’t really want to?

sigh, I always think the same about the ignorant posters who say these things.

Did you even read the thread?

Exactly OP - STEP parent does not = parent and therefore does not = same responsibilities as a parent.

Have you decided what you are going to do about your DH not saying no to your ex?

• his ex, obviously

It seems to me there are a lot of people on MN who don't actually know what they expect from step parents.

I'm an 'actual parent' but I shouldn't demand to go to parents evening because I'm not an actual parent.

I am a third parent to DSC but I better think twice about disciplining them and leave it to their parents.

I should be doing all parently duties, no questions asked. But I'll be damned to hell if I don't leave all important decisions to their actual parents.

Maybe it's about 'sharing' the load of all the mundane day to day bits but keeping the bits you like to yourself as actual parents?

Essentially op, you are expected to be the unpaid childcare, but love those children as if they were your own, and fund their lifestyle, of course.

However you are now allowed to make any important or arguably none important decisions about their life, and must remind yourself daily that you are NOT their mother.

Don't forget, that being the second wife, means you are second rate and quite the downgrade from the first wife, you must accept being looked down upon, but be gracious that you are allowed to look after the children.

PS - MN is the home of the ex wives club, and its pretty likely that you will get slated for whatever you do and however you act, purely because you are not an elite first wife.

Have you decided what you are going to do about your DH not saying no to your ex?

I'm going to sit him down in the next couple of days. I'm putting my points together in my head so I can keep it a structured (sort of) conversation and make sure I don't miss anything I need to say.

Plus the kids are with us for the next couple of days.

He was never married to ex.

Does that give me extra points?

I love my children but even I don't want to spend 24/7 with them and often take myself off to read or watch tv in our bedroom while they are in another part of the house.

I think your annoyance at missing a meal out needs some context. If Ex needed the children looking after so she could go out (unless this was a long standing event/wedding for which her arranged childcare fell through) then YANB. If she needed help because of work or family emergency then feeling a little disappointed us fine but you need to suck it up as thats the responsibility of a parent.

While i get the point of view some people have that the children are the parents responsibility fully and step parents shouldn't be expect to do anything I'm
Not sure how practical that is and hasn't been my experience with step parents.

Just look at the other thread running at the moment about telling DCs step mother to back off. People don't like it when SPs act like parents.

Plenty of posters saying they'd tell her to fuck off and buy her a puppy if she wants something to nurture.

Very conflicting really.

Since when is it appropriate to round on a woman who is strong and confident and trusts her H?

Ok so she’s “lucky” that she doesn’t get how some men change when new partners come onto the scene or how previously apparently normal women become revenge driven, bitter and abusive when their ex moves on.

But I see what she’s saying, we DO have a duty to be our own person within a relationship

No we don’t need to drop everything all the time no matter the inconvenience

Kids (and exes) need to understand that sometimes things aren’t possible right there and then.

We’ve struggled with the lunacy of my oh ex, but she’s blocked on everything now and totally ignored now that the dc is old enough to communicate directly with dad.

That hasn’t stopped the woman dictating her messages through her dc, but the style is easy to spot, so these requests/demands/barbs get ignored easily. My oh has no problem in only replying to his dc genuine messages, but will ignore any that are sent on the m behalf or are sent with the m agenda or are nasty as the dc has been wound up by the m.

Op has a partner problem. He needed to say that he had plans already and to try to work out a compromise that didn’t nix his plans

Probably not! I am sure she is far superior to you in many other ways

in all seriousness though OP, I do find that step parenting, specifically being a step mother is very hard. MN has the same circle of posters literally ready and waiting for SP threads, who will rip the shit out of you just to make themselves feel better.

I think what you're doing is as damn near perfect as step parenting gets to be honest. But then what do I know eh

While i get the point of view some people have that the children are the parents responsibility fully and step parents shouldn't be expect to do anything I'm Not sure how practical that is and hasn't been my experience with step parents.

I don't expect to, nor do I do, nothing for the children (as per my posts). My gripe is that it doesn't seem to be enough unless I'm glued to them and essentially being their mother.

"keeping the bits you like to yourself as actual parents?"

Actually I'd say that's the definition of what step parenting should really be - fun bits only! And everything we do on top of that is a bonus that should be appreciated by the actual parent.

I agree MyCat. My annoyance is with the posters who are quick to tell you that you ARE a parent and should act like one.... Just not in this part because this is MINE because I'm their mum/dad and I don't want to share that one.

He's certainly not asking to much of u!
It sounds like he just wants u to be a bit more involved

Jesse, how am I not already involved?

OP Make sure you take the opportunity to address the unfair balance in housework as well. He works more hours than you = he is recompensed for that by earning money (matter not that you take home similar amounts - his hours enable him to earn to the capacity he's capable of at the moment). You work fewer hours - your recompense for that is taking home less money than you would if you worked the same hours as him. There is no reason why you should decimate that benefit of more time by doing 95% of the housework - you might as well be upping your hours and getting paid. You also pay 50/50 when half the time there are 3 of them and one of you. He's got a damn cheek expecting even more off you.

Is cooking, laundry, school runs, packed lunches, child care when needed and a great relationship with them not enough?

All I'm saying is I feel what I do do isn't appreciated considering I'm not their parent and I'm always expected to do more.

And where does this 'more involved' business end?

Can I arrange meetings with their teachers? Can I take them to the doctor? Can I volunteer for the PTA like the other thread or is that too involved?

Hmm, the ex bring exP and not exW might be relevant here. I'm assuming OP was not OW in the breakup here, but for exP, there is a train of thought that might be occurring along the lines of, why was she good enough to make vows to and I wasn't?

It does seem as if the children might be being used as a spoke in the wheel of nights out OP and her DH.

You won't sort her issues and it's fruitless to attempt it or be worried about it, but you do need to agree, construct and implement a united front to protect your marriage and his children from manipulation!

I haven't read the whole thread as step parenting ones often degenerate into a flurry of 'You clearly hate his kids!' accusations. However, just popped on to say that I quite happily pop off to my bedroom to read a book when my own children are in the house! Nothing to do with step parenting or parenting, they just aren't superglued to me! Your post is perfectly reasonable OP.