To think that ‘mum’ friends are often far more hassle than they’re worth?!

[Blargon7]

Jeez.

I’ve been dropped by my close ‘mum’ friend from the school, she’s gone from being super keen to not wanting to meet up with me. It really hurts and I don’t know why. She is however still going around with another group of mums, a couple of whom she has moaned about to me on many occasions.

Then there are the other women there. Some I say hi and have a quick chat to but sadly we don’t have much in common and don’t really click, it’s just polite how are your kids doing chat which is fine.

Then there are a lot of mums who have cliques and seem to bully and slag off a bunch of other mums to the point where some mums have stopped coming into the playground and have been reduced to tears.

I just can’t be arsed with this fucking bullshit anymore! Life is too bloody short.

What’s your experience?!

I don’t really understand how people end up with these school based friendships. Everyone at our school says hi and then goes about their lives- no one has ever attempted to befriend me and no groups, cliques or obvious friendships between others either. It doesn’t feel unfriendly, just polite distance.

Also most mums here are SAHM or part time. So definitely not a work versus home thing.

I have made mum friends, in 3 different age groups for my 3 children. We might occasionally meet up for a social drink- twice/three times a year perhaps? They are nice people so far. But then I've only known each group for 14/7/1 year respectively Two of my very best friends in the whole world were made at antenatal grouo with our 1st offspring and the children ended up at the same school. Another best friend was made at school gates that first term when I thought she was a pompous ass and she thought I was a goady oik and we obviously see much more of each other than 3 times a year. But school mums are no different to any other set of people. Some you'll like, some you won't, and some you'll absolutely treasure. Nothing to do with whether they are "school" mums.

Plus- how else do you make new friends? Ok not necesaarily at the school gate, but, by being social? If you don't want new friends then simple, just don't go to the meet ups etc. But if you think you could have another friend or two in your life then you've got to socialise at some point to be able to talk about something a bit more meaningful than the yr 1 spellings this week. Otherwise you'd never know whether they were your people or not.

But YANBU to not want to bother- if they're cliquey and silly you sound well rid.

I had two quite different experiences with my two children. The oldest is 20 now but the mums in her year at primary were monsters. Massive clique and if your face didn't fit which mine didn't then it was obvious. DD hit puberty at primary school and went through changes which the other parents openly made comments about in derogatory ways. Nightmare. I did feel a slight smugness when years later some of their darlings got expelled from school for drugs! My second dd is 14 and I have a number of people I class as friends amongst her year. Just really lovely mums I go for drinks with or we go out for meals as couples. A totally different experience. I think you just get destructive cliques sometimes and school mums are no different.

I grew up in Australia, where children make their own way to school (at least they did in my day) so all of this is a bit of a shock to me. My wife works in primary education so has told me some stories about the parents. We have 2 DC, oldest will start school in 2 years, I'm not sure what to expect.

Same here- from the age of 5 I was getting the bus by myself and from the age of 8 was cycling to school by myself (a distance of around 2 miles). When I found out that you weren’t even allowed to let children leave school without someone until the age of 12 I was shocked...how is this a thing? What happens if they just make their own way home? We live less than 5 minutes walk from the school, surely children can be trusted to make that walk. I mean I remember we all used to get walked to the school bus, but once I was old enough to bike myself around, no-one cared, they just let me crack on. I remember some of my friends being told they weren’t allowed to cross certain main roads, and I always thought that was madness too- if you know how to cross a road you know how to cross a road...maybe my parents were just lax. I mean I agree that central London is different- it’s so busy and London drivers are just appalling, but beyond say, zone 2, it’s more or less like any city, and millions of kids walk home in such environments every day around the world...

When I found out that you weren’t even allowed to let children leave school without someone until the age of 12 I was shocked...how is this a thing?

It isn’t. Children are allowed to leave from year 3, or 8 years old. Even in London. Our afterschool club had a rule that you had to ring first to confirm you would be in before they let the child out, some schools you had to fill in a permission slip.

Most children are making their own way to and from school by year 6, in preparation for secondary (age 11) when kids are expected to travel without parents.

In fact when I appealed against an allocated school due to unreasonable journey (it was 2 hours away on the bus- two buses and 3 x 20 min walks between buses) for my then 8 year old the LA rules were that 8 year olds are expected to get the bus by themselves to school.

It is the parents who generally continue to accompany children.

Yanbu if this is how they behave.

This doesn't mean that all mums are like this. I have met lovely mums in playgroups and the playground.

There are strange people everywhere.

There is one mum that I used to see at NCT coffee mornings, always very friendly. Now our children are in the same class and she totally blanks me, won't even say hi. I have no idea why, but it comes across as extremely arrogant to not even say hello.

Doesn't have to be school mums for some women to be utter &$$$.

Steer clear and stay away from people who are two faced.

I hear ya sista!! Mum of 6 here and I've never cracked the clique 😂 x

I find this so sad, your school gate experience sounds horrific OP. I’ve been very lucky to have met the most lovely group of women who have been incredibly supportive through some pretty grim stuff that I’ve had to deal with. Totally had my back- even some of those that I was just on friendly, chatty but not ‘friends’ terms. And a couple of them are now my best mates - so glad we all found each other!

I just drop my child off say goodbye have a nice day & go, I can’t be arsed with the school mums/dads, most in my child’s year are rude & obnoxious anyway. I’ve been doing the school run since 2001 🤣 my DS leaves in 2022 & I’m done thankfully 😅

I had the same with a group. They were PTA mum's.
I turned it into a life lesson and put a positive spin on it, just because we all had sex around the same time, doesn't mean we will all be best mates.
I realized the ones I had lost sleep over by feeling inadequate were people I would never be friends with if we met in a pub or office. They were horrible! Absolutely disgustingly horrid about each other unless they wanted something. I didn't know of one of them who hasn't slagged off one of the others when they left a room or playground. Honestly, they were utterly dreadful.
I'm far more guarded now. I'll be polite but am I fuck going to befriend them just because.

I see the cliques all the time and avoid. But in all honesty I don't have mum friends or otherwise. I'm a nice, loyal person I think. I'm not sure why I don't make friends. It was my 40th birthday last year and I had 2 cards. One from my mum, and one from hubby and kids. Wish I could offer advice to you.

Yup! I became friendly with a group of mums (who were actually quite bitchy) and they started to ignore me and not include me. I cried a lot for a month or two but I pulled myself out of it and now keep my distance from all mums. I'm friendly with them all and we chat but do not involve myself with them outside of the school gates. It's a shame but there we go. I find with all of the female species they are fine alone but as groups not very nice.

I'm friendly with school mums and through the years had the odd playdate but I've never really understood the cliquey mum's thing. I always wonder what friends they had before their children started school. I've made one mum friend who I see who incidentally isn't in my child's year group.
Happy to chat with them if I'm at school things but I have too many friends I don't get chance to see. Don't need more.
Keep your distance, can become awkward if kids don't get on or have issues.

Only on mumsnet can everyone on a thread think that everyone else who has kids in school is a cliquey bitch because they share a playground . And not see a jot of irony!

Are your real life friends who have children on a different playground to you also bitches? Or are you only ever a bitch to the people on your own playground?

Funny bunch!

everyone on a thread think

Its not everyone

I had one (I thought) very close friend from post natal & school group. Time came when I needed to rely on her for something really important and she was off like a rat up a drainpipe. Still hurts. YANBU. Sod em, I say.

I tried it.. I have 2 'friends'
One it turned out i'm related to (Weird, but yes xD) so she's still a very good friend.

The other chat to occasionally.

The rest are all cliquey/bitchy and I just dont have time for that.

I'm the 'weird' mom on the playground anyway, very alternative fashion sense.. too fat/common to be in the boden/gym clothes wearing yummy mummy set on one side of the playground, and too posh to be with the tracksuit/primani set on the other (and yes, it is that split)

I have kept myself to myself. Last one is leaving school soon and I have stopped even going near the playground, she's dropped off and picked up about 5 mins walk away these days, so I can avoid the traffic outside the school.

There’s nowt queer as folk and this is especially so for school mum friends! They are a rare breed and my advice is to steer clear. If you fall out or need to avoid you’ll be stuck seeing them for your child’s primary school years.

I could have written this myself. I went through this. I was always left out. Never invited to the cookie swap, girls night out, etc. if I reached out and invited someone to lunch, she couldn’t make it. I felt like crap. One woman, a neighbor, I thought was a friend, would rag on this other neighbor...and then go out with her. They tag each other Facebook posts, recipe sharing, etc. but she rags on her-then goes out with her and a clique. I’ve since moved away, but looking back, I’m glad I wasn’t involved. It dies hurt sometimes because I wasn’t “worthy”, I guess.

I was the one in ratty denim overalls and comfy Croc shoes. The others all dressed in cute gym outfits or designer clothes and carrying expensive purses. I didn’t fit in. It was just my kids and I at the park or out and about.

Totally agree. Cliquey and utterly pathetic shite.

I don’t get the hoo-ha on MN about school gate mums. They are just people. I didn’t undergo a complete personality change when I started dropping my kids off and as far as I know other people don’t either.

There were bitchy mums in our school playground, boring mums, fun mums, stupid mums and high achievers etc just as in the various places I worked had bitchy colleagues, boring colleagues etc.

I made some great friends at the school gates who I still see now, I made some friends who I never set eyes on again once the DC moved up to secondary and there were some people I avoided back then and would still avoid now -just as in any other community I’ve spent time in.

I think an awful lot of the perceived judginess or snobbery or hostility that people say they have experienced from school gate mums probably comes as much from people’s own insecurities as from the behaviour of the other mums. On the occasions when other people are genuinely rude or unpleasant just ignore them and move on. Just because your kids are in the same school for a few years doesn’t mean you owe one another anything or that you have to be friends.

Scarletoharaseyebrows

Goodness, no I don't think everyone in that playground is a bitch at all! I don't think any sensible person does.

But there is a group mentality which occurs in most places where people are forced to socialise every day for an extended period of time. So, for example, most people in my secondary school were perfectly lovely on their own, but the group dynamic made it sometimes a rather unpleasant place to be.

I imagine in other places where people are forced together, like offices, hospital wards, or even prisons, it's similar.

For me, because I have to see these people twice a day for seven years, it's actually a bit risky imo getting too chummy with them.

I remember living with one of my closest friends at one point, and, much as I love her, being in contact with her so much made us both really ratty. Similarly, when I've shared rooms on holiday sometimes, someone I normally get on well with, eventually we start to get on each other's nerves.

Add to this the fact that my children have to socialise with the other parents' children and thinking about it, I would simply rather avoid any significant or frequent sort of interaction with them beyond being friendly and polite.