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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that ‘mum’ friends are often far more hassle than they’re worth?!

358 replies

Blargon7 · 07/10/2019 10:45

Jeez.

I’ve been dropped by my close ‘mum’ friend from the school, she’s gone from being super keen to not wanting to meet up with me. It really hurts and I don’t know why. She is however still going around with another group of mums, a couple of whom she has moaned about to me on many occasions.

Then there are the other women there. Some I say hi and have a quick chat to but sadly we don’t have much in common and don’t really click, it’s just polite how are your kids doing chat which is fine.

Then there are a lot of mums who have cliques and seem to bully and slag off a bunch of other mums to the point where some mums have stopped coming into the playground and have been reduced to tears.

I just can’t be arsed with this fucking bullshit anymore! Life is too bloody short.

What’s your experience?!

OP posts:
Rachelle11 · 07/10/2019 15:40

I love my mum friends. I have a ds with complex special needs and my friends are amazing. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I don't love everyone I've met, but that's fine. And I've seen some drama play out be cause some people like drama no matter what. Being a mum at school doesn't change that, I assume they were drama llamas long before they had children! Not all my coworkers became my bestfriends but some did. Depends on the people.

Ceefa2 · 07/10/2019 15:43

A 'Mum' friendship can be very superficial when the only thing you have in common is that your DC go to the same school.

I could never be bothered with all that. At a child's birthday party with my youngest DD I was beckoned to sit at the 'mums' table. I thought 'oh this might be nice' as I'd never really got to know other mums before with my other eldest DCs. 'Head mum' asked if I wanted to join them on their next night out. I agreed. She then proceeded to slag off one of the other mums there who I vaguely knew and was actually really nice.

I didn't go on the night out. That was my 1st and last interaction with the mum clique. Don't need friends like that.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 15:56

Does every remember of yoga and NCT have to be invited to everything forevermore or is that classed as "exclusion"?

Oh God, I hope not!

crosser62 · 07/10/2019 16:01

My advice... Spotify and earphones.
Stick them buggers in, ramp up the tunes and don’t take them out till you see the whites of your kids eyes... only then take them out to greet said kid.

No one... and I mean NO ONE will speak to you/bother you ever again.. it’s like magic.

I wouldn’t know most of the parents in my kids class if I fell over them... I also recommend no eye contact.

There you go.. job done.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 16:11

I definitely get why people say "oh, I don't see cliques, just groups of people who know each other", "it's just about how you view the world". But there is definitely a mentality or dynamic that comes with certain groups of people. To pretend there isn't would be disingenuous, I think.

As someone who usually keeps to the periphery or these groups, I do find it interesting, but not always pleasant, watching it from the outside.

The slim friend telling her vastly overweight friend how worried she is that the overweight friend is losing too much weight. The friend telling a nice story about her twins getting along brilliantly only for another friend to snortily interrupt, saying how amazing her child is too you know. Jesus, it looks horrific.

I once accidentally set in amongst a big group of friends at playgroup and the passive aggressive comments some of them started making that I was taking Sarah's seat, honestly made me inwardly snigger, before I smiled and loudly said, "oh look, there's another seat, so I'll move there and you can all sit together" and moved to sit beside a friendly lady who was on her own.

I can imagine if I was someone who desperately wanted to be part of the gang, that might have been a bit hurtful. As it was, I found it quite funny.

I have moved around A LOT in my lifetime, especially as an adult. Where I now live, the 'cliques' tend to be people who have lived in the area a long time and know each other from school. On one other hand, I have heard that if you take out a bottle of baby formula in South London, you'll probably get the cold shoulder, but they are more accepting of 'blow ins'.

Do, your experience with cliques, probably depends a bit on where you live, whether you are from there originally etc more than just your world view Smile.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 16:13

Periphery of*
Sat in amongst*

Bloody autocorrect!

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 16:14

On the other hand*

Jesus!

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 16:14

So*

RainWoman19 · 07/10/2019 16:31

Never got involved..not interested and dont have time to talk bollocks with other mums at school. I think that just because our kids are in same year/class, we dont have to be friends.

LadyAndiBella · 07/10/2019 16:43

I don't get involved. I've never felt the need to be a part of the 'mummy group' and it was a relief when dd2 started pre school as no more mummy dominated play group for me 🎈 🥳 🎉
Ds gets sn transport to school too so I don't have to deal with the school mummies there either. Win win

Rainbowknickers · 07/10/2019 16:53

@Straycatstrut I just couldn’t be bothered in the end
She had the problem not me-and if anyone was daft enough to believe her then I didn’t want to be friendly with them anyway
I guess we just not posh enough for her!
(Plus to be fair my son hated her daughter so I left it)

Thatisme · 07/10/2019 18:54

Different experience in my case as my mum friends are wonderful.

soberfabulous · 07/10/2019 18:56

This is a benefit of working, I've never had time to stand around chatting to other mums. I do a swift drop off and pick up as I'm on my to work!

Parttimewasteoftime · 07/10/2019 19:36

I was bullied at school badly and the return to the school gate has made me realise I had not fully got over this. Having said this some Mum friends (sorry but mainly mums here) have helped me so much. Picked up DS when my other DS broke his arm the WhatsApp group is great whos got who's jumper. You need the commuity when they little is akward when they fall out mind.

LauraMacArthur · 07/10/2019 21:33

I actually find that really weird and needy. It’s like seeing work mates as best friends just because you work together. No thanks, I will keep my own.

Good for you. Some people are looking out for new friends at various stages in life as they might have moved area or even country, some/most of their friends might have moved away from them, they might have drifted away from old friends due to being at different life stages, or had a falling out or been ncd/ghosted/pushed out of a group.

All these factors mean people could be looking for friends, and chatting at the school gate is a perfectly legitimate way of doing that - it's a way of meeting and getting to know people gradually/naturally - similar to work/school. I've always find that the hobby groups I've done don't really provide that same thing - really regular contact with the same people that gradually develops into friendship.

If you already have enough friends then that's fine, but if they move away or fall out with you, then you might need more so you could be in that position at some point.

Society does seem increasingly insular though - there's nothing wrong with chatting with mums and potentially befriending them. This is the equivalent of people these days who say it's wrong to date a colleague, even though it's probably the top way to get to know new people as an adult - it seems the only way to meet a romantic partner is through an app these days. Maybe that'll be the case with friendship soon - chatting to others as you go about your day and having that sometimes develop into a friendship or relationship is now weird and needy!! That's how I got all my friends and boyfriends when I was young, including dh, and I'm only early 30s.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 07/10/2019 22:29

I bloody hate that 95% of adults seem to actively avoid making new friends.

I didn't have a fab time at school (bullied for being academic in a not very academic school) so am not in touch with any one from those days. My uni friends have ended up spread quite literally around the globe with only one left in UK where I live.

Work is very specialised, small team mainly people much older, no real socialising/friendships.

Now I have DS & DD, I really hope to make some friends who live close by as i meet more people on school run etc. It's so upsetting reading threads like these on mnet where so many people are utterly closed to making new friends. I'm just a normal person with hobbies/interests, but sometimes I feel shut out for life as no one wants new friends.

LauraMacArthur · 07/10/2019 22:55

Who on earth has time to stand and chat away and actually forge anything more than a civil hello?!

You know the answer to that, you're just being sneery and rude.

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2019 23:10

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

You sound very similar to me and I’ve made some good friends now. We have a WhatsApp group, coffee mornings at each other’s house, nights out and weekends away - it’s great. It just takes a while and you need to be sure you don’t get too involved with the wrong crowd [for you].

I was very lucky because my son was friends with the kids of the mums I liked the look of so we could start casually - can you try that? Nice informal play date?

IamPickleRick · 07/10/2019 23:11

I chat to everyone at school. I’m superficially friends with everyone and have no real group, I’m more of a drifter probably because I was like that at school. Mainly because I have zero in common with any of them. I’m still a little bit weird/alternative (rock chick from the rough side of town who now presents as naice middle class lady). There is only one lady I really like because I know she likes the music I do, the lifestyle I have and we have a lot in common. She’s 20 years older than me but a total hoot!

The rest talk about love Island and their latest fall out with their friend or where they got their nails done and I’m like mmm yeah nodding politely knowing there is zero chance we have anything real to talk about, and that if they knew anything more about me, I be judged to hell and back!

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2019 23:12

Who on earth has time to stand and chat away and actually forge anything more than a civil hello?!

I do. I’ve got a good job: it’s part-time and flexible so I have plenty of time to make friends on my drop-off days.

MsTSwift · 07/10/2019 23:17

Same Merry. I moved to a new city with small dc was a sahm and now wfh. The women I have met through having kids are fantastic fun interesting and supportive. I would have been friends if we had met another way. Our kids have drifted in some cases but we haven’t. Not sure why friends met via kids so sneered at on this website. Known them for 10 years no “drama”. My hobby great but most others much older and I work on my own. Plus people who work in my profession are extremely dull. My “mum” friends have much more interesting jobs in fashion building conservation etc.

Weymo · 07/10/2019 23:57

Don’t understand it. You stand at the school gates (more likely within the school playground) for about

3 seconds, 3 minutes or 30 minutes depending how punctual you are, and don’t have to speak to anyone at all.

Or you throw yourself in and see it as opportunity to make new friends.

You’ll learn to notice groups of women who ‘know eachother’ from standing in the playground twice a day for a few minutes,
and they might form friendships over the next 5 years,

and it can even look like they all ‘know eachother well’ if you’re all on social media where everyone likes to declare all their nitty-gritties publicly.

You either get involved in all the drama, or you don’t. Watch how the Dads operate at school chuck-ins and chuck-outs. They turn up, might pass time of day, and then forget about it until the next school day. They don’t care about the drama. It’s all self imposed nonsense that women only participate in.

Toastymash · 08/10/2019 00:00

Parents on the playground can be pretty scary.

I thought I left all that cliquey shit behind in school, but it all comes flooding back when you have your own kids...

FinnMcMissile · 08/10/2019 00:10

I haven't made any close friends from the playground, but I do make the effort to chat to people nearby and go to all the birthday parties etc to network with the other parents. It's important for DS, as he is more likely to be invited to parties/playdates if the parents know me.

I do know a couple of the mum's from baby days, and one in particular I am good friends with and meet up with every few weeks. The others kind of drifted apart and it's strange to think now that we were round each other's houses all the time when we were on mat leave!

DS is in a large school with 4 classes per year, which often get mixed up each year. Consequently there are always new faces to meet and any groups of mum friends tend to not take over the playground as their children will generally span multiple classes, and in any case there are tons more children in the year.

FinnMcMissile · 08/10/2019 00:22

The other thing I would add, is that I have realised over the last year's, that it is best not to get into conversations about your child struggling in something at school, or whatever. Last year I remember talking to a couple of mums about how I was worried because DS was mostly playing alone in reception, and then thought, shit, what am I saying? It's not like talking to your real friends who you can be totally honest with. I want people to see my child as happy, strong, confident and someone who they would want their child to be friends with.