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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that ‘mum’ friends are often far more hassle than they’re worth?!

358 replies

Blargon7 · 07/10/2019 10:45

Jeez.

I’ve been dropped by my close ‘mum’ friend from the school, she’s gone from being super keen to not wanting to meet up with me. It really hurts and I don’t know why. She is however still going around with another group of mums, a couple of whom she has moaned about to me on many occasions.

Then there are the other women there. Some I say hi and have a quick chat to but sadly we don’t have much in common and don’t really click, it’s just polite how are your kids doing chat which is fine.

Then there are a lot of mums who have cliques and seem to bully and slag off a bunch of other mums to the point where some mums have stopped coming into the playground and have been reduced to tears.

I just can’t be arsed with this fucking bullshit anymore! Life is too bloody short.

What’s your experience?!

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 10:49

Don't get involved. Just because your kids are friends with their kids, it doesn't mean you have to be friends with the mums. Women can be bitches. My DD is 16 and I have ONE mum friend from school and that's only because we have other stuff in common. I could never be arsed forging friendships with two-faced bitches - I have enough friends from other areas of my life.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2019 10:52

I always kept my social life separate to my kid's school.

I stand in the playground and pass the time talking to whoever was standing next to me and I'd help out at school fetes.

But I never felt the urge to form friendships with people just because their kids happened to go to the same school as mine.

mbosnz · 07/10/2019 10:55

I totally agree.

I made the mistake of buying into the School Mum Friends bullshit, got dropped by her very nastily and my daughter got resoundingly bullied by her daughter and her mates thereafter.

I wasn't letting my daughter take that shit, so went through the school procedures and got it sorted out, but of course, that meant her daughter being held accountable for her behaviour which was not what Mummy Dearest was expecting. She was most upset.

Apple really didn't fall far from the tree there!

NooneToldMeItWasRaining · 07/10/2019 10:57

YANBU i have been fooled into thinking I was close friends with people through the bonding of having a baby at the same time and the shared experiences, 3am messenger chats , but then have been let down and left out of things by someone who I was starting to see as my closest friend. I realise now we are just fairweather friends, but it has been upsetting at times Flowers

firelightbright · 07/10/2019 10:59

I'm the same I like to keep school and my private life separate. I know enough parents for a 5 minute chat and I'm happy with that. My close friend loves having a school mums social life and she can't understand why I'm not more involved but I couldn't think of anything worse.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2019 11:00

I never got involved. I really can't see the need for it. I'd front up and if I had time I'd just say hi to a group closest to me. If not I'd grab by daughter and go.

There was a drama I was aware of, where a group of mums had decided that they didn't wish a particular school policy and wished it changed, I thought the policy was fine, so didn't join the request. One mother was particularly put out by it, and a few others aghast. I have not a crap and did my thing and just ignored totally the mum standing next to me glaring daggers.

Find your friends in other areas, where you've more in common that your kids happen to go to thr same school

toomuchtooold · 07/10/2019 11:03

It's just a second go at playground cliques, isn't it? Couldn't be arsed with it the first time, can't be arsed with it now.

Girasole02 · 07/10/2019 11:03

Totally agree that it's more trouble than it's worth. Have known the same kind of issues with my hobby as there is a large concentration of women. Got badly burned once. Never again. Familiarity breeds contempt etc

MaryPopppins · 07/10/2019 11:07

YADNBU

I have learned this lesson the hard way the last few years since DC started school. It's been very bad for my mental health/anxiety.

I think you're keen to make close friends as you think it'll help the kids. Or at least I certainly was. And it's so of thrilling to have new friends.

But I now see that was a naive attitude and am much more careful with school mums. I'm civil, talk to everyone, help with PTA stuff. But need to remember these people aren't my friends.

It reminds me of being back at school, there's a group who do stuff together, see each other weekends etc. Have even already been abroad together (and that's a class that just started Y2!)

But it's a much nicer life just being chatty with everyone and not part of a clique.

It's also really pushed me into strengthening non-school friendships of my own and DCs. which is very beneficial to all of us.

BeefTomato · 07/10/2019 11:11

Are "mum friends" just people with children the same age as yours? In that case obviously some of them will be lovely and some of them won't. You yourself must be a "mum friend" too.

AloeVeraLynn · 07/10/2019 11:13

Yanbu
It can get very intense and then it's a disaster if there's a fall out because you still have to go to the playground every day! Steer well clear. Be friendly but guarded.

jennymanara · 07/10/2019 11:21

Mum friends? You mean women who are mums.
If the only thing you really have in common are being mums, then yes the friendships won't last the distance. If you are friends with people you actually like and have things in common with, then yes of course your friendships can last.

A lot of this stuff is misogynistic rubbish.

jennymanara · 07/10/2019 11:23

And people who like drama like drama whether they are mums, single or men. Just avoid people like that.

rosegoldfever · 07/10/2019 11:23

These topics are why I love mumsnet! All my friends (I don't have many) have made school mum friends and have social life's with them.

I have tried with school mums & it hasn't worked out for me, due to having similar experiences like other posters have stated.
Reading these posts make me realise I am not a complete freak because I have felt that way due to my other friends having amazing school mum friendships and I don't.

The school run can be a cliquey horrible experience

Original poster
Blargon7 · 07/10/2019 11:24

By mum friends I mean women you meet in the playground and at nursery etc.

‘A lot of this stuff is misogynistic rubbish’

How do you mean, @jennymanara? It just seems to be true, at our school at the very least. Proper bullying going on.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 07/10/2019 11:26

YANBU. I found a lot of the mum's at my children's primary school to be quite cliquey and some were downright vicious. I was so relieved when my kids left primary school and they organised their own friendships.

Teddybear45 · 07/10/2019 11:27

Depends. I find that school mums (and dads) who work full time like I do and share similar interests are pretty good. I even share a commute with some of them. I suppose you just have to find your tribe so to speak but I agree with you in going NC if you can’t.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 11:28

My eldest has just started reception and I am AVOIDING any sort of friendships with school mums. I've been on MN long enough to know better Wink.

YANBU.

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 07/10/2019 11:29

It's a section of society, same as any other. Same as there'll be work friends, gym friends, hobby friends... It's just life. Don't be so quick to judge every one with kids as 'that mum'. Presumably, you have or take care of children? If a friendship elsewhere ended, you wouldn't say, "it's because she's an accountant " or blame her for still speaking to the other people in the accountancy department!

Just people with kids.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 11:29

Avoiding school dads too fwiw. No thank you.

Vulpine · 07/10/2019 11:30

I dont really differentiate between mum friends and non mum friends, as in the same way i wouldn't differentiate between work friends and non work friends. They're just people from all different walks of life that you meet at different stages of life.

wondering7777 · 07/10/2019 11:30

I’m pregnant with my first and am really dreading this. I didn’t even know it was a thing until I read it on MN. It sounds like going back to school again! Sad

Spied · 07/10/2019 11:32

I keep them at a distance.
One mum 'friend' (our ds's became quite good friendsHmm) would invite herself to my house every day before pick-up and try to come back to mine every day after pick up with her (horrible) DS.She would also text me constantly and impressed herself into my life. Luckily DS realised this kid was horrible and I used them not being friends to cool the 'friendship' I found myself in with this cf mother.
Another experience I had was bonding with another woman who was mum to another of ds's friends. She was/is a real CF. I thought she was genuinely nice at first and we had a lot in common. I now keep my distance as she tries to take advantage of my good nature.

vintanner · 07/10/2019 11:33

If your face doesn't fit....... that's my experience.
I just think, okay, if you think I'm not worth talking to because of...
how I look, where I'm from, new to the area, how I sound or even my child, then I can't be bothered with you.
I put this into practice and found that some would come up and speak, I also found that none, not one, was genuine, they either wanted to know something (to get one up on someone else) or wanted their child looked after (for nothing).
The truth is I didn't 'like' any of them, the yummy mummies, the older mums, to the grans, not one of them seemed at all interesting to me.
Basically I found them all to be, CFs.

Vulpine · 07/10/2019 11:33

Yeah those school dads are absolutely vicious at the school gates - is a phrase youll never hear.

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