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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that ‘mum’ friends are often far more hassle than they’re worth?!

358 replies

Blargon7 · 07/10/2019 10:45

Jeez.

I’ve been dropped by my close ‘mum’ friend from the school, she’s gone from being super keen to not wanting to meet up with me. It really hurts and I don’t know why. She is however still going around with another group of mums, a couple of whom she has moaned about to me on many occasions.

Then there are the other women there. Some I say hi and have a quick chat to but sadly we don’t have much in common and don’t really click, it’s just polite how are your kids doing chat which is fine.

Then there are a lot of mums who have cliques and seem to bully and slag off a bunch of other mums to the point where some mums have stopped coming into the playground and have been reduced to tears.

I just can’t be arsed with this fucking bullshit anymore! Life is too bloody short.

What’s your experience?!

OP posts:
BirdyBedtime · 07/10/2019 13:00

YAdefinitelyNBU

There are a group of mums to my DD's friends who have all been friends since antenatal classes. We moved to the area when DD was 2 and she has been friends with the group (pretty much the same group all through nursery and primary) since then (now 14) but she still gets left out of things even by her best friend as the mums arrange things and decide who gets invited. It's social engineering at its best and it really upsets me that she misses out because I'm not in the mums group. Don't get me wrong, they are mostly nice people individually, it's just the pack thing kicks in sometimes.

Two of DDs friends fell out and the mums then fell out, had a screaming match in the playground and didn't speak. Kids then made up - and now mums are besties again.

But actually we are, as a family, good friends with 2 other families whose kids are the same age and we met through nursery. The kids aren't in the same groups so actually it's easier to be friends with the parents. I think that works better.

DelurkingAJ · 07/10/2019 13:01

My experience mirrors formerbabe’s. Other Mums telling me that their child would love to come to DS1’s party and they play every day together and isn’t it wonderful. But no, he isn’t invited to the friend’s party...a mutual friend in one case found out for me it was because she had to many children who she had to invite as their mums were her friends. Because DS1 still plays with her DD every day but that isn’t enough to get a party invitation because I’m not her friend. I’d be very concerned it was because she didn’t like DS1. But no. It was me not being on the school gate (because I work FT).

anyoneseenmykeys · 07/10/2019 13:03

I stand away from them and make it obvious I don't want to socialise. I'm quite 'alternative' so they kind of eye me sideways and look away quickly. It was exactly the same when I was at school, so I'm well trained in dealing with it. I wouldn't want to be involved in the bitch fests. They can bitch about me but they have no idea what they're bitching about.

with that charming attitude, I would guess that the problem is all you and your attitude. How do you even know you are that interesting for them to "bitch about you"?

Most people are normal, they want their kids to be happy and have at the very list a civil relationship with other parents and even more the parents of the kids' friends.

I never understand that need to be so dramatical, either too grand for have a chat with other parents, or to be surrounded by a whole clique with all the trimmings.

BarkandCheese · 07/10/2019 13:04

I made one very good friend from my time in the primary playground.

By the middle of y1 it was clear that there was an exclusive group who socialised frequently together and weren’t interested in including others. I felt a bit miffed, but also accepted that adults were allowed to chose their own friends and carried on, but it was difficult for my child because she was friends with some of the group’s children and would hear about the things her friends had done at weekends together but not been invited to.

By y6 the group had imploded, hardly any of them were still talking to one another.

anyoneseenmykeys · 07/10/2019 13:05

Haha tbe patronising tone from some on here!. Its only mums who dont work and are 'craving adult company' who like other school mums! I work and still have time to chat to people because i am sociable not because of a craving

I am glad there are some normal human being on this forum sometimes, most parents seem to be like you at my kids school! Thankfully.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 13:05

Two of DDs friends fell out and the mums then fell out, had a screaming match in the playground and didn't speak. Kids then made up - and now mums are besties again.

Ugh . This is why I like being on the periphery. Stay well clear of that.

I was at a toddler group with dc2 earlier today actually and some of the cliques were in. We left early 😂. I actively flee anything like this 🤢. DC2 was the one who suggested leaving early and I was like, "yes, good idea"!

I also look a bit different / alternative I think, in how I dress, and I am very obviously not from this area originally, so I do tend to stick out a bit...

Nofunkingworriesmate · 07/10/2019 13:07

We are gay and son just started at a faith school do was nervous about how we would be treated, everyone super friendly and supportive, it is a screamingly middle class area and that might make a difference?

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 13:07

I am glad there are some normal human being

What's 'normal' though? I bet members of some of the cliques being mentioned on here think they are the normal ones too! Not saying you're one of them btw, but just questioning what 'normal' really means anyway.

Straycatstrut · 07/10/2019 13:10

@RainbowKnickers -Best username ever Grin

This is what I dread. Stupid little bitchy vendettas. As if life isn't hard enough. Did you not ask her outright? I've read a post on here, pretty much word for word your situation (could have been you who posted it) and I just couldn't stop myself saying "Look, XXXXX, what the hell is your problem? What have I done? because this is ridiculous!" I mean someone probably bitched something to her about you that wasn't true, like you said something about her being a snob which you didn't. Or she's just jealous of something you have that she doesn't. Could be your relationship with your OH.

I swear it's actually worse than being at school, this is why I steer clear.

MrsTriOskvi · 07/10/2019 13:10

YANBU I'm a firm drop/pick up and run with 🎧 at the ready kinda gal.. 😂

FizzyIce · 07/10/2019 13:11

There are a couple I say a quick hello too and now and again my dd plays round their houses but I really don’t want to be in a friendship group with them as nice as they are I have just been bitten way too much in situations like this so I just remain friendly but hold back abit to avoid any drama

GettingABitDesperateNow · 07/10/2019 13:13

I thought 75pc of women now worked...o appreciate that people have shifts, part time hours etc...but I'm actually quite surprised that everyone seems to be able to coordinate to get there early enough to chat, consistently on the same days as other people, and they have enough time and energy to gossip / exclude people etc. Surely the vast majority of people are rushing around, getting there just on time and then dashing off to tick another job off the list? Between us, me and my husband manage to do one pick up direct from school per week (breakfast or after school club otherwise), and because it's the only afternoon we have free we have to fit appointments or playdates into the hour after school. Most people I know are similar. Although there are lots and lots of parents waiting on the afternoon I go. Only in reception so will have to see if cliques start to form!

Vulpine · 07/10/2019 13:14

Do you not see the irony in calling all the other women bitchy? Is that not the very definition of being bitchy?

IScreamForIceCreams · 07/10/2019 13:14

Oh, been there, done that. Nowadays I keep it to "hi and bye'. Am friends with 2 mums, but kids don't play together, so we may see each other for coffee once in a blue moon, but that's it. Plenty of mums in little cliques etc. Totally not worth the bother. But then, I learned the hard way!

Blindspot82 · 07/10/2019 13:15

I don't understand why people treat school mum friendships any different from any other kind of friendship. If you like the person, be friends with them. If you don't, stay well clear. Simples. Don't feel the pressure to be part of something that you wouldn't naturally get involved in. It really is that simple

nononever · 07/10/2019 13:15

I always kept my social life separate to my kid's school.

Absolutely the best way, it's what I did too. I was on the PTA and helped out at various things but never socialised with other parents outside of school. Thank god WhatsApp wasn't around then, no way would I want involved in any school gate group.

anyoneseenmykeys · 07/10/2019 13:16

FeckOffGraham

what's normal? A happy medium I'd say.
Not to think yourself too grand to talk with other parents, not to suddenly make your own life revolve around school - schools belongs to the kids, not their parents.

I don't know, I can see a few school mums animately talking together, I don't call them a clique- their kids might go to the same after-school club, they might be neighbours, they might have been friends before having kids, or they just run into each other somewhere and are talking about meeting up.

Seems like some posters take everything very personally. I don't think anyone really has time and energy to care as much as they think!

northerngirl2012 · 07/10/2019 13:16

I put YANBU as I don't think you are. However now mine are 12 and 15, I've got a good group of 'Mum' friends from their primary school years but they're not the parents of my kids friends they're my friends because I like them and our DC are all different ages.

It is a minefield, just saying enough to be friendly at the school gate is great. I was Chair of the PTA for a couple of years, but that wasn't really fun.

Straycatstrut · 07/10/2019 13:17

Haha tbe patronising tone from some on here!. Its only mums who dont work and are 'craving adult company' who like other school mums!

In my experience it's the ones who do work stood around in their business wear, lanyards & IDs on show... stood around in little circles, looking down their noses at the ones NOT in business wear (me).

I'll be in business wear once I've trained (well, a uniform!) & DS's will have many school years left, and I will not be joining in!

violettrose28 · 07/10/2019 13:20

made an effort with child number 1, less of an effort with child two and zero effort with child 3. I've realised how surface and shallow those friendships are and how they often depend on the kids remaining friends (see how many fall out when their kids do!) and they fall by the roadside as soon as the kids go to high school and school run no longer happening. It's such a tiny window in your life. Don't sweat it. I cant even remember the names/faces of school run Mums from dc1, who is now 19!

Straycatstrut · 07/10/2019 13:21

Do you not see the irony in calling all the other women bitchy? Is that not the very definition of being bitchy?

I actually think it's bullying behaviour rather than bitchy.

Calling someone out for being a bully does not make you a bully.

Some of these groups spitefully insult other mums, put them down in anyway - appearence, being a SAHM, parenting. Calling them bitchy isn't in the same league is it?

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 07/10/2019 13:22

There's quite a lot of sniping, bitchiness and complete snobbery and sadly I'm not talking about the school mums who happen to be friends. It's those here proclaiming to be "above all that" or not craving attention or whatever.

I do have a group of friends. We've been friends for years. Some of our kids are in the same classes and are friends, some are just in the same school. We're friends. School is just how we met and where we have an opportunity to have a chat and a catch up.

It doesn't make us a clique. Or bunch of bitches. What a shame that there's so much stereotyping going on.

RufusthebewiIderedreindeer · 07/10/2019 13:23

Some of the friends i made through the children are my closest friends

I only know a handful of people outside of ‘mum’ friends

anyoneseenmykeys · 07/10/2019 13:26

In my experience it's the ones who do work stood around in their business wear, lanyards & IDs on show... stood around in little circles, looking down their noses at the ones NOT in business wear (me).

maybe in your schools, not around here.
People who are in their business wear tend not to be at the school gates at all, people are only around when they work from home that day - wearing very casual clothes - or on their way to the gym or other in sports gear.

You have to be pretty junior to have your id on show

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 13:26

anyoneseenmykeys

Yes, I think that's what most people on here have been saying. No need to be rude or ignorant, but no need to try to become best of friends with anyone either.

Were you the original poster who said "thank god, some normal human beings on here" in response to vulpine? Because, if so, and your definition of normal is what you just said, I think most people on here are being totally 'normal'. Not just vulpine, as you implied earlier Smile.

Nobody has suggested being rude, frosty or unpleasant. Some people, including me, have simply said, be friendly but don't get too involved. With good reason. It isn't like a normal friendship where you can cool things for a bit if you fall out etc. You're sort of stuck with the school pick up and play dates if your children are friends. Which is why I keep to friendly, polite but not close friends.