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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that ‘mum’ friends are often far more hassle than they’re worth?!

358 replies

Blargon7 · 07/10/2019 10:45

Jeez.

I’ve been dropped by my close ‘mum’ friend from the school, she’s gone from being super keen to not wanting to meet up with me. It really hurts and I don’t know why. She is however still going around with another group of mums, a couple of whom she has moaned about to me on many occasions.

Then there are the other women there. Some I say hi and have a quick chat to but sadly we don’t have much in common and don’t really click, it’s just polite how are your kids doing chat which is fine.

Then there are a lot of mums who have cliques and seem to bully and slag off a bunch of other mums to the point where some mums have stopped coming into the playground and have been reduced to tears.

I just can’t be arsed with this fucking bullshit anymore! Life is too bloody short.

What’s your experience?!

OP posts:
ilovetofu · 07/10/2019 11:49

@mbosnz sex toy parties?!? Ok think I would steer clear of those people too 🤣

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 07/10/2019 11:50

Oh my goodness are mums actually mean to each other in the playgrounds? My eldest just started reception but he's in a special school so nearly all of them get taxis. What do they do to each other? I had a horrible bullying experience at school that absolutely scarred me, I would be devastated if it happened again as an adult!!!

Vulpine · 07/10/2019 11:52

Yes all mums are mean to each other in the playground. Every single one. As soon as a woman becomes a mother she becomes a bitch

Bucatini · 07/10/2019 11:53

This is not my experience. I've met loads of really nice school mums, also a few I don't get on with, but no meanness or bullying as far as I can tell.

anyoneseenmykeys · 07/10/2019 11:53

you had a life before your kids started school, just keep it. Through your kids, you will meet new people and some you will become friends with, it comes naturally, but you don't expect to suddenly master a whole new social circle just because you happen to be at the school gate at the same time.

As far as I can see, people complaining about "drama" are part of it.

I find "mum friends" super useful, they are a mine of info, they can help by having my kids on inset day or election day. You can have different level of friendships. They are just people like you.

Witchinaditch · 07/10/2019 11:53

It’s not mum friends it’s just fickle people. My mum friends are some of the best women I know

Lweji · 07/10/2019 11:53

I have a few mum friends, but I don't get heavily involved with them, usually. Or only after some time, as with most of my friendships.

Super keen, as for relationships, tends to be a red flag. Go slowly until you get to know them better. Pay attention to how they talk about other people.

user1474894224 · 07/10/2019 11:53

I have met some lovely friends via my children. We spend such a lot of time together standing waiting for kids or watching them do stuff of would be a real shame to discount all of them from becoming friends just because 'you already have enough friends' or 'you like to keep school and personal life separate'. My friends I have met this way are great to hang out with both with the kids and without. Just because you have fallen out with one person doesn't mean all parents are the same. Many are just genuinely nice people. Some you will have stuff in common with and some you won't.

sheshootssheimplores · 07/10/2019 11:57

My advice is always the same. Friendly but aloof. I have one close friend who I have known since the kids were preschoolers. Everyone else I will talk to (with a few exceptions 😬) but I don’t want to be good friends with any of them. It gets too complicated and then I get the ‘favours’. I end up having to mind children I don’t want to and do tasks I’d rather not.

I aim to be the person that people like to invite places but it’s not important I’d i turn up 🤭

shearwater · 07/10/2019 11:59

I never looked to the school playground for friendships, because I already had my own good friends albeit not local, plus as a working mum I just haven't been able to be there for school drop off and pick ups, or not consistently, or only one or two days a week.

But having said that there are a group of people I do connect with socially outside of school and who I really like, and I have learned the value of having local friends as well.

chinupchickeny · 07/10/2019 11:59

I am absolutely dreading my son starting school.

I've got three good friends in my life. One from school, one from uni, and one a former colleague. Two of the three have no kids yet, and the one who does have a child I was friends with long before either of us had children.

If I meet a mum via my son who I really like and would be friends with regardless of whether our kids existed or not then great, but if not I really have no desire to socialise with anyone for the sake of it.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 07/10/2019 11:59

One thing that you need to remember is that you don't need to be in a friendship group just because your kids are in the same class. My group of 8 'mum' friends includes full time workers, part time workers, SAHMs, singles and marrieds and 3 of us aren't from the UK. We're all different. Some of our kids share classes, others just attend the same school. It's US that are friends, not the kids. We do pick ups for each other and stay out of it if our kids fall out (best practice). You choose your friends by who you get along with, not by circumstance of just being in the same vicinity each day.

Like in any place, there are always horrible people, Wendy's and two faced folk whether that's through work, hobbies, neighbourhoods or whatever.

Ninkaninus · 07/10/2019 11:59

Yes, friendly but aloof. That’s how I played it.

bluebluezoo · 07/10/2019 11:59

This is where having a different surname to your child shows it’s advantages! No one can find me on social media, electoral roll, or internet generally...it’s DH that got the messages and invites to fb groups.

I went to my first baby group with baby DD. Took me a lot of courage to go on my own.

Not one person spoke to me or even said hello. They all sat around with tea and biscuits in little groups. Unsupervised kid fell over next to me, i picked him up and brushed him down, mum rushed over and grabbed him, turning her back and walking off as i started to explain how he’d tripped.

Never been involved with mums or mums groups since, and my kids are grown.

milliefiori · 07/10/2019 12:00

Build up a strong social life with people you really like. Drop off as late as possible. Glue to your phone at pick up. Life is way too short.

chinupchickeny · 07/10/2019 12:00

Plus I live in a pretty MC area of SE London and I know from a mum I am friendly with at nursery that the "school mums" all have whatsapp groups where they discuss their children's reading ability and who is in what set for what. No thanks. Zero interest in that.

Chloe8823 · 07/10/2019 12:02

I've witnessed this type of thing at my DC school. I do my best to avoid and don't get involved, just be polite and get out of there as quickly as possible!

CatBoyOnTheRun · 07/10/2019 12:04

I keep neutral at the school gates. I smile and say hello to everyone. There are some who can be a little frosty but that's life. We don't have life changing or ground breaking discussions. We mainly discuss looking forward to the next long weekend or when is the next holiday period. Any bargains in toys or stuff for Christmas or sales. It's a smaller local school and many of the mums are related or very close neighbours. There is another group who meet up once a month and go for dinner but it wouldn't be something I'd be interested in. I never went to baby groups because they clashed with nap time. I don't think I missed much by not going.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 12:05

Friendly but aloof - exactly right imo! Do not engage with any of the weirdness.

I appreciate why people are saying things like "they're just people", "I don't differentiate between friends and mum friends" etc. Its a fair point.

However, I will say, there is a difference. It's a bit like colleagues imo. You have to remember that you won't be able to avoid them if things go sour. Also, your child might be friends with their child. So, you will have to see them. This is a very good reason NOT to get too involved and maintain a safe distance. The minute I leave the periphery of any social group, I know I am taking a risk, socially spealing. Which is fine in friendship groups, but I don't get into cliques or intense friendships at work and I won't do it at school either, for similar reasons.

Flippetydip · 07/10/2019 12:06

@FeckOffGraham - it's put me off so much I swore never to do committees for school (church yes, political party yes but school no!) I do help at everything and just stand behind a stall or do what I'm asked but NEVER will I go on the committee.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/10/2019 12:06

YANBU.

I have a few friends, mostly from playgroup tbh, whose kids go to the same school as mine do.

I am also on the PTA equivalent in Australia, so make the effort to be friendly with as many parents as possible in the playground - but the cliques and backstabbing and schoolyard mentality never ceases to amaze me in grown women! Not all of them, of course, but a sizeable number.

I don't think, apart from a couple of other PTA mums, that I've really made any new friends among the school mums - my main friends are still from playgroup.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 12:06

It's*

formerbabe · 07/10/2019 12:07

Friendly but aloof doesn't work in my dcs class. You have to be bffs with the mums..if not, they won't even say hi and your child will never be invited to theirs for play dates or parties even if the children are friends.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 12:08

flippety

Exactly the same here. I'm happy to help out and attend things and bring friends if they need extra numbers for fundraisers etc. But never, ever again will I join the committee.

cacklingmags · 07/10/2019 12:14

Many of the school gate mums I met were childminders, who definitely had their own thing going, and very welcome to it. There was always some terrible drama about someone or another sleeping with their mindee's married dad. Otherwise, there was ongoing jealousy and competition about children's achievements, that has lasted well into those children's twenties. I am still wary of mentioning my child's job to other parents, some really don't want to know that a kid has done well.