5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

*No, No, No. Never acceptable.
To all those parents making excuses. Just imagine for a minute if it was your child. *

I would absolutely keep a child out if I felt it was best for my kid, I am not making excuses, just stating my reasons.

Would you not invite a child in a wheelchair to your child’s party? After all that might be inconvenient too, getting through doorways, managing the loo etc. It’s exactly the same.
I can't talk for other people, but it's not the same at all, because the only reason why I would keep a child away would be to protect my own. So if my child feels upset or threatened, the other child is out. If they are friends and one is a bit boisterous for one reason or another, then I can handle that.

It doesn't sound like the OP's child is making anyone feel threaten, I am just talking in general. If my child feels like they are being bullied, they are more than welcome to enjoy a party without their bully.

My DD wanted to invite everyone in her class to her birthday bar one child with ASD and severe delays. I told her she had to to invite everyone or have a smaller party. (She did want to invite another child with ADHD who was known for being violent and disruptive, so not sure what her reasons were - ASD child actually much less ‘scary’ than ADHD child, and DD has been taught at school about brains working differently and talks about how it means child X Y and Z aren’t naughty just have trouble controlling their brains).

We invited all in the end. ASD child didn’t rsvp and didn’t attend. Oh crap - just thought, what if her mother thought she was deliberately excluded? We did post on the school FB group when many rsvp’s were missing, but I can’t remember if we were clear everyone had been invited. Way more than half the kids hadn’t rsvp’d when we needed to get in numbers, do she didn’t stand out then. I hope her mother didn’t see that and just assume she’d been excluded. I do hope she would have said something to me.

OP you say other mum is very organised, but I’m sure ASD child’s mum in our school would think the same of me and I’m totally NOT. With a two kid party, it might also not have been her ‘task’ to chase up rsvp’s (and if she is very organised she may have assumed other mum was just as much so and had chased...). Might still be worth checking subtly in case an invite was lost. Or just to send the message that you noticed and it is hurtful to child.

Thanks zzzzz. I agree let's. If a specific child is bullying birthday child then that's not nice and birthday child should be able to enjoy their party without worry or being upset. However, not the case here

I meant keys... bloody autocarrot!

for all the posters who pretend you must always invite everyone.

Imagine being at work, but you don't have the adult freedom of walking away or changing job. Your colleague is abusive, disruptive, throws chairs in the office in a rage, and the boss might attempt to calm him down but never takes him away, makes you feel threatened and in tears every night about going back to the office.
I don't believe for a second you would invite that colleague to your party or your wedding.

That's what it's like for kids who are scared by a classmate, so don't pretend they must invite everyone, that's bullshit.

Again, obviously not the case with the OP's child, but the whole concept of "the whole class" or a small group is ridiculous.

I have 3 children in primary school and none have ever been invited to a party. I remember commenting about that on a thread on here once and being told that mine must be getting excluded then (I’ve never heard of any parties happening but apparently they must be) I can’t get worked up over it tbh. People can invite who they want. I wouldn’t exclude one child but then I wouldn’t throw a whole class party anyway. Have you ever had a class party for your ds op? And did they attend?

I would ask by saying this to the mum:

'I noticed you had a birthday party this weekend and I could see from the Facebook photos all of the other children from the class were there. I was just wondering if something has happened between the boys which is why (your son's name) wasn't invited? I thought they played nicely together and I'm worried that something has happened I don't know about.

If she says something about his behaviour being disruptive you can follow with...

'I know he can be really difficult and we're working really hard to address it. I always stay with him at parties and manage his behaviour and take him home if it gets too much. Anyways, I know we're not entitled to be invited but I just know he's going to feel really sad when he hears the other children talking about it at school.'

Basically you want her to feel guilty and reflective, but if you go flying in a rage then she will dismiss you.

But the child who is scared of one child surely isn’t best friends with everyone else? They could find a core smaller group they are closer to. The impact on a child who is already struggling to be obviously the only one left out is enormous. These are children still developing, not an abusive adult. The only excuse for leaving just one out I think would be a clear case of bullying as we’ve seen upthread and on other threads on MN - where the consensus is don’t invite the child who has deliberately targeted yours. But just being disruptive, even scary, in class isn’t that.

Nope, @anyoneseenmykeys. I still wouldn't exclude that one child.

You can dress it up however you like but it's still shitty behaviour.

It’s crap. I am really fortunate to have kids who are socially confident and I have zero tolerance for them not being kind and inclusive in their social interactions. I am also disabled so that probably helps them to think outside the box.

My youngest is particularly popular and only this morning he was telling me about a kid in his high school bullying two of the quirky geeky kids in his form. He said “They are really scared of him because he’s been bullying them since primary, but he doesn’t scare me at all.”

We talked about how, if he called out the bully, all of his mates (school footie team cool boys) would undoubtedly back him up (he is a bit of a leader) and that actually, he had a bit of a social responsibility to do just that.

We do need to encourage our kids to be kind.

My comment was in response to anyoneseenmykeys.

I don't care what you call it OrchidInTheSun
first I don't believe you would invite an adult like that
and my responsibility is towards my child - my first job is to make sure they know I have their back

I am not dressing it up, I am pointing facts. I seriously question why you would force your own child to invite someone who really upset them.

Pumpkin, yes and yes they attended. Though I don't agree it's tit for tat when it comes to parties, if I hadn't noticed that my son was the only one not there I really wouldn't care at all.

But the child who is scared of one child surely isn’t best friends with everyone else? They could find a core smaller group they are closer to.

do you mean they should have a small party instead of a whole class bare one?

I don't agree either, if they want a party, why again should they change their plans because of ONE. The impact on a child who is already struggling to be obviously the only one left out is enormous. and the impact of a child being made too upset to go to school is enormous too.

I am not saying I blame or call the "threatening" child names, but my own kid comes first. If their own mother don't put their own child first, who on earth will! (answer is, no one!)

Morning, everyone. We've had a few reports about this thread so we thought it might be an opportune moment to pop by with a link to our This Is My Child campaign. We ran it some time ago but a lot of the info is still really relevant, particularly the section on Myths About Children with Special Needs.

OP, hope you and your son manage to have a treat this week to make up for it and he isn't too upset.

I know keys, I get it. As I've said though a few times.. my son isn't threatening or hurting or scaring anyone. I know he isn't as I have regular meetings with school and chat to the parents. He's 5, and he's hyperactive. Lots of children are hyper at 5, not to this extent necessarily, but he's still just a little boy. Annoying at worst, a kind, friendly polite boy at best. Thanks for popping in Hebe!

Pumpkin, yes and yes they attended. Though I don't agree it's tit for tat when it comes to parties, if I hadn't noticed that my son was the only one not there I really wouldn't care at all.

That is bad then, I’ve never thrown a school party so it was suggested that that was why mine weren’t invited to any so was checking if that was the case.

Yes, anyone, you do have a smaller party. Your child doesn’t get to gain the social capital of having a big “everyone” (except the troublesome kid) party at the expense of a single child. That’s vastly unfair to a child, who is still developing and learning and who this will impact and likely make them act even worse. You can protect your child at the same time as teaching them that we need to be fair and understanding and think of others feelings. What you can’t do is give them everything they want if it is going to harm another. They can feel safe and have a fun small party still.

Because they don't tend to be judgemental cunts.

that's an interesting way to describe a parent who wouldn't bully their own child in inviting a kid that makes them scared, upset and repeatedly cry.

I guess we all have our own definition of a what a bully is, don't we.

And again, I am not targeting the OP, just stating why I don't agree with the whole class always regardless of the circumstances.

Your child doesn’t get to gain the social capital of having a big “everyone” (except the troublesome kid) party at the expense of a single child.

so my child should be punished because another child is making them really upset? Wow, talk about victim blaming here!

Why are you talking about a child who bullies your child? That isn't the situation here. It's irrelevant.

We are talking about excluding a child who has additional needs, not a bully.

And even so, I wouldn't exclude just one child from a class of 5 year olds.

@anyoneseenmykeys

The OP has stated
As I've said though a few times.. my son isn't threatening or hurting or scaring anyone. I know he isn't as I have regular meetings with school and chat to the parents

So your "argument" is null and void.

It's essentially one child being left out and if you are OK with that then you are a really nasty piece of work.

I was asked by the father of another child if my autistic DS (then about 7) had received the invitation to his daughter's party as he was the only child who had been invited but hadn't turned up. I didn't quite know what to make of it as I hadn't seen an invitation. DS was also not usually invited to parties and so it would have meant a lot to him to have been there.

I explained that to my knowledge DS hadn't received an invitation but I did wonder if the father was covering his backside for when the children talked about the party at school. However, it turned out that the teacher had distributed the invitations on the party girl's behalf just before home time - to prevent undue excitement in class - and DS's had accidentally been left in the drawer. The teacher was very apologetic. Nothing could be done about it but at least I felt better knowing that DS hadn't been excluded.

OrchidInTheSun
Why are you talking about a child who bullies your child? That isn't the situation here. It's irrelevant.*

We are talking about excluding a child who has additional needs, not a bully.

As I have repeatedly said, I am only stating why I don't agree with the whole class regardless of circumstances

I am talking about why I would exclude a child if I felt it was right, and that's because my own child is seriously upset. I have never said I would exclude additional need children, I have said that as long as my child is happy, I don't care about the background and circumstances, it's easy to handle anything.
What I wouldn't do is upset my own child more.

I have also repeatedly said that I wasn't targeting the OP!