5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

It's essentially one child being left out and if you are OK with that then you are a really nasty piece of work.

it's called being a parent, you put your child first. It has nothing to do with additional needs, don't twist my words either. The attitude of some of the posters would explain why their own attitude would create conflicts with other parents.

I want to tell you to say something, like:

'was he really the only one in the class you didn't invite? As a parent, that absolutely crushed me, he was so upset.'

But I probably wouldn't have the balls to say this myself

YANBU to be upset op, what horrible horrible people, you'd both be better off without people like that in your life.

I don't understand why anyone would put another child before their own child.

I am amazed and awe struck that anyone would invite the whole class to a party! When mine were small ,we would have a maximum amount of about 12 children (less than half the class)! I think it is not at all acceptable to leave out 1 child though. Were they all invited I wonder .

Why are you linking adhd and bullying. There is no link between them.

interestingly, it's other posters who keep insisting on doing so.
I was merely replying to the "no child must be left out of parties ever" and why I completely disagree with that statement.

I actually find the "naughty" = "adhd" very distasteful, and all I said what that if my kid is very upset because of another child, I find it perfectly ok not to force them to invite that child to their party. Forcing a child to do something that makes them very uncomfortable is just plain wrong.

I have also repeatedly pointed out that I was replying to the "all children always no exception", not having a go at the OP.

Why are you linking adhd and bullying. There is no link between them.

Yes, quite. I’ve noticed a few posters also piling in with tales of violent children with ADHD who spit, shout, throw chairs and scare their classmates. Which are entirely irrelevant as the OP has repeatedly said these behaviours don’t apply to her son.

It’s probably worth reminding everyone that children with SN are far more likely to be the victims of bullying by NT children than the other way round.

I would definitely invite your kid but would ask you to stay the whole time. And as to the reader that explained that a kid abused her daughter and there is no way I would invite him, i agree with you. But this isn't the case here.

We are an adhd family. Been where you are and its bloody heartbreaking. ADHDers are not bad. They are a bloody pain (I love mine so can say that). I can never understand why anyone would leave one child out esp in reception year. If they really.didnt want to invite one child they shouldnt have had a whole class party

My DD2 (5) when she was in her nursery class had a couple of children with extra needs that I was aware of and she settled into nursery great her teacher said she was very good at mixing and played really well with everyone she made two very close friends who she called her best friends and them the same with her there was another child with ADHD who would describe my DD as her best friend and get very excited when she saw DD and that but DD didn't consider her her best friend and wouldn't get excited by seeing her the same way she did the other two girls, few months in and DD started saying she didn't want to go to school and would get upset and couldn't get out of her what was really going on after a while she did mention the child with ADHD afew times, pulling her about, holding her hand too tight and not letting go when she told her, getting upset and scaring DD with how she dealt with things and then there was afew incidents child kicked DD because DD wouldn't give them her coat then another about hair bow etc spoke to class teacher about it who said she would keep a eye on them. My DD1 who is a lot older was attending the same school at the time and would tell me how at break times all the children from nursery would avoid this child whenever they would approach they would run away and she also said it was like they was scared of her by the way they reacted to the child and other parents said things to me about things with with their DC.
one day I was picking DD up from school and she came out of class with a big smile on face followed by the child, child always came out of class upset but this day they was really upset and when my DD turned around to see what all the noise was about and seen it was this child she looked terrified and dived into a corner out of the way and wouldn't move until the other child had left the yard, I had to take it up with the school and see what they could do to help DD as by now it was awful getting her to school, it was a whole lot of work to get DD to feel comfortable and safe to go to school and educate her as best I could on people being different, telling other people no it was so much and the school was great, from what I understood the child reacting how they did to things and being so in her face is what scared her more than anything else she had never been around a child who behaved like this all the time and couldn't understand why when someone was upsetting her they wouldn't stop it took a lot of educating her and teaching her to stand up for herself in a healthy way but it was hard as she was so young but we got there in the end and by time I was sending out her party invites we sat down together and she actually said about child and they invitation the same as she did all the other children, but I still noticed children avoid the child and the following year and the child didn't move up with the rest of them and is still in nursery and other parents from that class are saying things now. It isn't nice from any side and it's sad but true that other children can suffer from having children with disabilities in they class but it's also sad but true that children with a disability are often left out and avoided by other children but I think it's all to do with lack of understanding.
I personally think from my own experience the answer is to be found in educating children from a young age and to also teach them all how to stand up for themselves and to use communication.
I agree it isn't a nice thing for a adult to do OP if you are sure all children were invited and your DS wasn't but there could be a lot of different reasons maybe it has nothing to do with DS disabilities or behaviour maybe it does you won't know unless you fetch it up with the parents of DC maybe there is a issue your unaware of as it was weeks into the situation with my DD before the school spoke to the child's parents about it. maybe it is just a lost invite, maybe there is no issue bar his disabilities and then you know they are just shitty people

Btw my worst affected adhder isn't violent or offensive - never has been. He's loud, hyperactive, impulsive, annoying but he has never spat or thrown things. Kids usually love him - parents not so much

We are hosting a whole class party for my DC next week. It is the whole reception class and costing a fortune.

I am worried about any disruptive behaviour and for that reason I have said that all kids must be accompanied by an adult.

I didn't want to leave anyone out at this early stage of reception. However, had my child been hit or bitten or something aggressive by any member of the class I would certainly not invite them (thankfully this hasn't happened). I feel sorry for you, OP it's not very nice for your child to be left out.

Horrible nasty clique bullying disablist twats

Not necessarily. IME there are three types of parents. The ones who just don’t want to invite and out them into the too hard box. The ones who make the decision that the party is something your child is unable to cope with / do. And the ones who just don’t think about it, the child is just a naughty child.

There are, of course, the ones who think to ask you first and work out a way they can be included. They are rare. But it’s not right to label all those who don’t invite as disablist twats. It’s not as simple as that.

OP, if you know the mum, speak to her. Tell her you are upset about it. If she’s decent, she’ll understand.

YANBU.

If you're having a party either include the WHOLE class or just invite a few. Leaving just one child out is horrible.

My DS is great friends with a boy in his class who has SEN. This boy has bitten DS once in the past. I was furious at the time, but the boy's mother actually spoke to me and apologised, she explained about his SEN and how she was working to stop the biting. It's never happened since and DS is still great friends with the boy. He came to DS's party this year.

However, had my child been hit or bitten or something aggressive by any member of the class I would certainly not invite them (thankfully this hasn't happened). I feel sorry for you, OP it's not very nice for your child to be left out.

Not very nice but you’d do it anyway.

DS wasn't but there could be a lot of different reasons maybe it has nothing to do with DS disabilities or behaviour

I’m curious what other reasons you think there could be to leave a single child off a party list?

so my child should be punished because another child is making them really upset? Wow, talk about victim blaming here!

Punished? By having a party with maybe 15 children instead of 20? There are bound to be children in the class he doesn’t know well. It’s hardly a punishment to ask a child to invite the children he is friends with to his party, is it?

He will not suffer, but by inviting all but one, the message goes to the other children that one child isn’t worthy of any of their friendships.

@MintyMabel and why would I want to host a child who had been aggressive towards mine? Why would my child have to have a child at their party who had been aggressive towards them? It's not very nice to feel left out - but sometimes there is good reason.

The reverse happened to a friends DD, when she was 8, she handed out her invites to the other girls in her class, who tore them up in front of her, so no one went. She was terribly hurt, and not a naughty child, but she struggled to fit in.

I never did the "whole class" party thing myself. But if you are going to invite a class then I think you need to invite everyone, unless there is a VERY good reason.
I don't have any personal experience of ADHD but one of my sons' friends from has ASD and I know some parents didn't invite him to their children's parties when younger because of that. Furthermore they would say things like "oh he won't understand" or "he won't care". It all appalled me and led me to reassess some of my own friendships. I encouraged his Mum to develop friendships with others and to view herself as fortunate not to have to socialise with people who hold such bigoted opinions. They may have felt that they were too good for her son's company, but I think it was the opposite.
OP, I know it must be incredibly difficult, but rise above it and find some real friends. There MUST be some decent people in your neighbourhood surely?

why would I want to host a child who had been aggressive towards mine? Why would my child have to have a child at their party who had been aggressive towards them? It's not very nice to feel left out - but sometimes there is good reason.
There is never a good reason to exclude one single child. Whole class parties are not necessary. If there were one child I didn’t want to invite, I’d re-think whether doing a whole class party. Leaving one child out is a shitty thing to do.