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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

5yo only child not invited to party

342 replies

5adhdparty · 06/10/2019 23:50

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

OP posts:
Cacacoisfarraige · 08/10/2019 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
5adhdparty · 08/10/2019 22:14

Thank you marchitect. Cacaco I will look into that too! Thanks so much :)

OP posts:
PoorlySonToday · 08/10/2019 22:58

I haven't read the full thread, but I wonder if it's a joint party, whether they split the invites and you were just missed for some reason, or one half thought the other was inviting you? Or had invited you?

Are you SURE the WHOLE class was invited except your son? I think that's quite odd. We never invited the known naughty kids to DS party because they weren't his friends. But if we had invited the whole class I would have ensured he didn't miss 1 child out - unless that child was bullying him in which case I see no reason to invite the bully (he's never been bullied, so not relevant anyway)

I would casually ask the mum about the party. Maybe mention your DS wasn't invited and ask if there was a particular reason as you were worried DS might have done something to upset their child. Then they'll tell you. Possibly it's an innocent mistake. Perhaps there's stuff you don't know (perhaps their kid doesn't like yours and begged their mum not to invite him?), Perhaps the WHOLE class wasn't actually invited, it just felt like it?

mmmm... Good luck. I wouldn't spend too much energy worrying about it, it won't help and it's not the end of the world. Though Indo understand your sadness for your DS.

Atwoodtime · 08/10/2019 23:42

Oh OP, there is no reasonable excuse for excluding your child and no wonder you are upset. Many people say that they agree with inclusion, until it affects them or their children. They talk the talk but when it comes to actually having to inconvenience themselves then the excuses come out. Real inclusion can sometimes be tricky and hard work. It can mean putting our own needs second occasionally. Which is nothing compared to the difficulties many parents and children with SEN face everyday. My daughter is 6 and I have hosted 2 whole class parties and there is no way I would put her need to have a perfect party above being inclusive. Ok, there were a couple of tricky moments here and there with kids that find social situations difficult but it's a kid's party and nothing I and the other adults there couldn't handle with humour and a little bit of flexibility. My daughter certainly didn't care in the least. She was too busy doing the floss and looking forward to the insane pile of presents. Lucky her that she's getting a party. She doesn't get it at the expense of leaving anyone out though. Anyway, it doesn't sound as though your lovely DS would have been any trouble at all. Shame on them and I hope you have a lovely treat day on Thursday. You sound like a totally awesome mum.

Original poster
5adhdparty · 09/10/2019 09:30

I'm sure Poorly. It's fine ... I'm getting over it Grin thank you Atwood

OP posts:
Tvstar · 09/10/2019 11:14

I am going to talk on general terms because obviously I don't know your child, or the birthday child or the situation.
But my experience of 3 grown up and 2 teenage children taught me the following
1 Listen to your child. Your dc spends 30+ hours a week with their class. They know the child and how they affect the dynamic a lot better than you do. If your dc wants to invite 29 out of 30, trust your child- there is a reason

2 I do not agree with leaving out more children so that the disruptive child isn't the only one. How is that fair on your own dc or the other non-invited children?

3 My priority is my child especially on their birthday. There are 364 other days a year to be inclusive.

OrchidInTheSun · 09/10/2019 11:39

Thank you for summing up so clearly how and why children with additional needs are enthusiastically excluded from the social side of their mainstream schooling experience @Tvstar

Original poster
5adhdparty · 09/10/2019 13:17

Ok tv, we get it, children with disabilities should just be locked away from all the other 'normal' children! 

OP posts:
Highfivemum · 09/10/2019 13:34

I am so sorry that ur son was excluded. Unfortunately some parents do not look at the bigger picture. It doesn’t matter if it’s a party of five kids but to invite the whole class and exclude one is cruel. When one of my DC had his birthday I debated on what to do as there was a little girl in there class who was severely ADHD and could be aggressive to others but I didn’t want to exclude her so I spoke to the parent and asked could they come along too. She did and it was fine. So there are options for parents if they are concerned about a child.
I hope your little one is fine and other people you meet along the way are kinder and more tolerate of others
Best wishes. 💐

PickedByYou · 09/10/2019 14:40

TVStar
There are 364 other days a year to be inclusive.

That's a horrible and daft thing to say.

OneInEight · 09/10/2019 15:47

I am waiting with eager anticipation to hear what actions you take to be inclusive on the other 364 days TVstar.

Tvstar · 09/10/2019 15:53

The comment applies to a child in a disruptive child's class.
They can be inclusive on other days but in their birthday it is OK to put themselves first. IMO

Paddingtonthebear · 09/10/2019 16:01

It’s horrible but I am not sure what you can do about it. It’s their choice who they invite / exclude.

That said I would not be making any further effort with those parents, especially if you thought you were friendly with them. I would actually say something about it to both parents because I think it’s so shitty and I would want them to know it. But I don’t give any fucks when it comes to things like this. Appreciate some people would not find it easy to do that.

Interestedwoman · 09/10/2019 16:36

If it isn't some sort of mistake, YANBU as this is really mean. I think you need to ask the mums just in case it was some sort of misunderstanding.

Hugs xxxxx

OrchidInTheSun · 09/10/2019 16:46

Like I said, that means that they never get invited to anything. No play dates, no meetings in the park, no parties. They learn from a very young age that the parents of the other children in their class will discourage friendships and encourage exclusion.

No wonder the mental health of our differently abled children is so awful Sad

Skysblue · 09/10/2019 17:40

A boy in my child’s class has major adhd issues and is v disruptive (and light fingered). His mum is v unfriendly to all other parents.

We all invite the boy to every class party. Because that is what you do.

Skysblue · 09/10/2019 17:43

Advice wise the only thing I can suggest, since you are friendly with some mums, is to confide in some mums (not the party hosts!!) about how hurt and gutted for your son you are over this kind of thing. Word may spread and it might help in future.

It’s possible perhaps that there’s some myth that your son wouldn’t want to come?

OooErMissus · 09/10/2019 18:37

That said I would not be making any further effort with those parents, especially if you thought you were friendly with them. I would actually say something about it to both parents because I think it’s so shitty and I would want them to know it. But I don’t give any fucks when it comes to things like this. Appreciate some people would not find it easy to do that.

This would be completely cutting off your nose to spite your face, though.

If you want to ensure that not only your child is left out in the cold, but that you also are shunned, then take this approach.

Paddingtonthebear · 09/10/2019 20:09

Well maybe yes, but let’s face it the shunning is already happening isn’t it.

jennymanara · 09/10/2019 20:21

I would never have discouraged any friendships when kids are this age. But some kids are naturally more popular than others.

ToelessPobble · 09/10/2019 20:29

TV obviously invites that child to a playdate on one of the other 364 days that s/he is being inclusive Hmm

ToelessPobble · 09/10/2019 20:29

Instead of to the party or considering asking the parent if they will stay so their child has support.

gamerchick · 09/10/2019 20:59

The comment applies to a child in a disruptive child's class
They can be inclusive on other days but in their birthday it is OK to put themselves first. IMO

Are you seriously telling me you invite kids with SN on other days to do whatever but on your child's birthday you don't? That makes you sound worse.

Of course, that's not what you mean is it?

Deadposhtory · 09/10/2019 21:38

Similar thing happened to me with a mum I was friendly with. Her excuse? " We're keeping it small" it took mumsnet to make me realize that this woman was not my friend.
So glad I'm past all this. Mine never gets invited either and we have a birthday this month and it's unediphing the way the kids are scrambling to come

NotGreenNotKeen · 09/10/2019 21:44

You're not a dick for asking, you're DEFINITELY ENTITLED to know why if you're/he's the only one that's been PURPOSEFULLY EXCLUDED.