5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

A child should not have to put upwith someone who is annoying and disruptive at their party. I don't understand why other children should miss out on being invited just so that the annoying child does not feel left out

Name change sweetie ?

when posters get so goady and clearly want to start a fight, there's no point trying to articulate a point, they are only here to amuse themselves. You only need a couple of trolls to derail an entire thread, shame really.

keys you’ve repeatedly posted about a hypothetical situation that is entirely irrelevant to what the op says in her opening post and subsequent updates. How on earth can you call out another poster for detailing the ops thread when you’ve posted repeatedly but none of the content has been relevant to her? All under the guise of responding to other posters who say they wouldn’t exclude a single child. Incredible really.

I still would not leave out one single child from a class - even reading through all the 'extreme' cases above of Damien like kids which seem to be rife.

Hi OP,

You will get used to this and make the best of it. It's not fair and the people who are in our shoes and/or compassionate will agree.

My DS9 is lucky if he gets 2 invitations a year from a class of 17. It used to be incredibly hard to cope with BOTH our feelings of rejection.

You'll find your own way to cope.

My style was that I would openly discuss with him why people exclude - prejudice, ignorance, selfishness, vanity etc etc and help him find people to be friends with that had our values. He went through a stage of just wanting to fit in and wanted to be seen as a popular kid - that was hard. But we were able to channel his focus into other activities which over time have built up his confidence so now when he is shut out, it doesn't feel as big a deal.

Good luck with it. ADHD is a significant disadvantage to many areas of his development- particularly social. He will need to learn to cope with it.

Sprouts - no, they didn’t invite both classes of the same age, only the one her son and my son are in. There was 1 child not there and I know that parent quite well and her little girl was unavailable that day rather than not invited. I actually have a younger brother in the other class (yes he’s the same age as my son, I know it’s weird!) hence why I invited the other class to my sons as they mingle together. As for safeguarding - yeah, ok. Nobody asks for permission at a kids party, it’s not like in school assemblies where the teacher has to say it.

Sugar - he has adhd, for fucks sake. Do you really think I have never tried explaining why his behaviour is disruptive and why he shouldn’t do it 🙄 unfortunately it’s not always by choice. It’s a medical condition and you’re being extremely rude about it, so I’m assuming you really know nothing about it. Thanks for other posters for understanding that I’ve obviously tried that!

My 2 lectures have been cancelled on Thursday (yay) so we’re going to have a chippy tea as a treat and go to the library which he loves! He came home with sweets due to it being the child’s birthday yesterday (wasn’t there at drop off/pick up so didn’t see parents) so he did know but I think he didn’t realise about the party as I got him taking about something else. My point whether the child is upset or not (and whether I am or not!) it’s still mighty unfair to exclude one child. There are extreme situations that have been mentioned but those are not relevant here. Obviously that’s an individual situation and would be dealt with appropriately- my son has hurt/upset nobody and shouldn’t be excluded due to his disability. We will definitely be having that talk regarding exclusion when he's older but he's 5. In my eyes he's still a baby and it's so horrible that he has to deal with this due to something he can't help.

This thread makes me really sad. So sorry that your DS has been excluded, OP, and I hope he enjoys a special tea and library trip.

I don’t agree with excluding just one child, but especially when they already have to cope with navigating a world that isn’t always kind to people with SN, and especially when they are only 5! That’s still so young. If you have concerns about their potential behaviour at the party, why not discuss it with the parents and make sure that one of them will be able to stay, as OP says she does? It’s not going to come as a surprise to them after all.

I can’t believe that some people are trying to justify excluding and isolating such a young child for something that he or she can’t help.

So a poster who has a different point of view is a goady troll!!
No name change but new poster on thus site

Really hope he enjoys his special treat. He’s lucky to have you in his corner

Have a lovely time on Thursday. You're a fab Mummy and you've handled the upset and this post wonderfully. This post really got to me yesterday, as a mum to an ASD/ADHD child it is shocking that despite the current awareness surrounding extra needs some people still have such rotten attitudes and lack understanding! 💕💕

Im a bit unclear. 68 class is that yr r and 1? Or all year 1.
And so he got no invites yr r and nursery but 3-4 this year yr 1?
So that means these kids didnt invite last year either.
So it sounds like there was something going on previously but now gets along better with some of the kids at least.
At our school it is obvious who the eldest are as they get more invites.
Were the parties he has gone to whole class?

How did it go this morning @5adhdparty ?

@anyoneseenmykeys

I say, and I absolutely stand by it, is that if my child comes upset because of another child, repeatedly and seriously (not because of a petty squabble) and is consistently in tears, I will OF COURSE not push him to invite that child

How is this relevant to the OP? Her child is not making other children cry? Why are you merailing this thread and making it all about you?

I'm sure I will be accused of being goady, but if your son is not hurting children and just being a little disruptive and parents are aware you would monitor him carefully at a party why do you think he isn't being invited?

As my earlier post I have previously not invited one child who bullied my youngest daughter but the reason for that is simple I don't want my child bullied full stop but definitely do not want to provide additional opportunities for someone child or not to do it to her.

But I can't work out why multiple parents by the sounds of your post do not want to invite your son? I only know one boy with ADHD through an activity our child does. All kids are different but he was difficult to keep safe and in the room in that instance and as it wasn't a parent attended activity that was tricky for the operators who needed extra staff to ensure he did not run away. But as you are intending to stay and have a history of staying what is making people not invite your son?

oh good, after getting deleted earlier.. sugarspice is back to share their thinking with the class.....

Awkward - year 1 is split into 2 classes, the older half and the younger half. Older half is my sons class. Last 2 years I think have been much smaller groups which again when he got no invites all year was upsetting (I did say I’ve posted about this before under another username), but I thought perhaps it wasn’t him specifically being left out. All of the parties he has been to this year have been whole class parties (not necessarily the whole of year 1 though which I hope is clearer now I’ve explained class set up).

Hotdog - mums didn’t speak to me but weren’t funny/didn’t seem like they were purposefully avoiding me either so hard to say. I had to rush off as had a lecture early and only just picked him up now so didn’t see them at home time either. Thanks for asking!

Marchitect - don’t worry I don’t think you’re being goady it’s a fair question. I think as a pp mentioned some parents just hear adhd and think naughty and think no more of it than not wanting the child around. I don’t think there have been any issues between the children and my son specifically but it’s possible they’ve mentioned his ‘naughtiness’ as they probably see it and don’t even know about adhd. If they hear this a lot, despite being friendly with me, it might put them off. As it was a joint party (the boy he is friends with and a girl who also in his class but not as close to), possibly the parent I do not regularly chat to vetoed an invite due to this? That’s my best guess, but it’s not nice to think about as I know that’s not my little boy :(

Sugar on the other hand is being deliberately goady and I honestly can’t be arsed responding to such drivel written by someone who clearly knows nothing about the condition.

Hadn't noticed the previous comments by sugar had been deleted Myrtle. Not to worry I'm sure they have more to say on the matter. It's so weird how people who know very little about a topic seem to be the ones who feel their opinion is really important.

That's a real shame @5adhdparty maybe at some stage try to find a way to have a chat about it to other parents. I think reading this thread it's very emotive for parents of children with ADHD and some of the advice as a result is a bit abrasive but if you can find a way to discuss rather than accuse or tell parents thAey need to invite 15 not 19 out of 20 etc I'm sure you can educate people about your son's condition . It sounds like you have a nice son, certainty nothing like the child I mentioned!

Hope you sort it, I think with your reasonable nature you will find a wau.