5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

So you saw all 67 pupils on the party photos on FB OP and made as assumption your child was intentionally left out because of his special needs? Rubbish? First off I guarantee you did not see every pupil, Safeguarding reasons the parent would of had to have got every single parents permission to post.

@feckinarse no you were boasting and you know it.

Probably not the right thing to say but when it happened to my dd, I spent an absolute fortune on her birthday party and didn’t invite the girls who had not invited her and made a big point to her ( had her in tears) that she was not going. Funnily enough this year she has been invited to all the parties, I know that you don’t expect to be invited to all the parties however don’t rub it in child face or plaster on Facebook.

Flip it around the other way

• I made dd invite the boy she hated, he was undiagnosed but later adhd was diagnosed. She said he hit them etc. Well his mum dropped and ran (as did most parents) he did hit the other kids, tried to grab her presents and accused my dad of hurting him when he had to stop him from trying to smash the cake. You may be willing to stay but you do need to be able to ensure that a child's presence doesn't ruin it for the other 16 kids there. This kid was very badly behaved, we moved but I do know 4 years on from the incident he was removed from his mum's care and is doing great as a young adult. My dd is autistic and I never allowed her to misbehave. I see wishing to be fair, but having been fair and had it ruin DD's party I can see why not too.

Am I the only parent that would actually ask where my child’s invite was?

Not in a confrontational manner but
“Hi x, dc was upset they weren’t invited to your DC party when it was a whole class thing. Is there a problem I don’t know about?”
And if the answer was no problem then I’d ask so why wasn’t he invited?

@7yo7yo
I'd absolutely ask too? I don't get why people aren't more upfront when they have an issue yet are happy to post intimate details of their lives on MN

OP - you say you get on well with the mum so where is the harm in asking what's gone on? If she says it down to your sons behaviour at school/towards their child - then you can deal with it - it's the not knowing which is worse

horrible post from sugarandspice - rude about people with ADHD and calling the OP a 'matyr' and playing the victim

Well you don't live up to your name "sugarandspice"

Yes OP, I'm sure if you explain to your child that his ADHD symptoms cause him to be disruptive and stop him being invited to parties, it would cure him! Why has no one tried this before?? There'd be no ADHD in the world. Silly us and silly trained specialists.

@anyoneseenmykeys and if your child is uncomfortable with another child because of the colour of their skin, would you still allow them to exclude them? Exactly what sort of prejudices do you encourage them to nurture?

I remember being the only one not invited.

Whatever your reasons for not wanting a child at your kid’s party, you don’t leave just one child out. It’s scarring and utterly cruel.

OP I would ask the chatty mum why he was excluded. It may be awkward but will give invaluable information going forward.

Perhaps sit down with your little one and tell him his constant disruption upsets other and can result in him not being invited to things...
Oh so He’s already been excluded from a class party, and now you want his mum to gang up on him, too. Sugar and spice that has to be the most unsuited user name on Mumsnet!!
Did you not read any of the initial op.
The child has ADHD. It’s a condition.
I think you need to go educate yourself.

StoppinBy
Why do you insist on twisting my posts exactly? WHERE did you read that I push my kids to exclude ADHD kids? I have never even mention ADHD. All I say, and I absolutely stand by it, is that if my child comes upset because of another child, repeatedly and seriously (not because of a petty squabble) and is consistently in tears, I will OF COURSE not push him to invite that child and I have no problem to exclude one child if needed.
I find parents who pretend they would upset their child and allege that putting up with uncomfortable behaviour is normal are shocking. What flipping kind of message is that?

BarbariansMum
@anyoneseenmykeys and if your child is uncomfortable with another child because of the colour of their skin, would you still allow them to exclude them? Exactly what sort of prejudices do you encourage them to nurture?
what a stupid comment you just wrote. Maybe read the thread before starting talking about racism and completely twisting my words and making up a whole lot of nonsense.
What prejudice is it not to push your own child to invite the one who seriously upset him? Read your posts and see how ridiculous you sound.

Cacacoisfarraige

What's your point?
You are clearly trying to be goady and pretend I am and said things I didn't and completely twisting my point, why is that?

Cacacoisfarraige
I am doing nothing of the sort. I am, repeatedly so, disagreeing with the "must invite ALL children always" and argue that I have no problem excluding one child for a valid reason.

I have not invented anything, just actually read my posts instead of inventing things. No need to make stuff up you know. It really makes you sound silly and weaken your point.

I can’t fathom why posters are continuing to talk about hypothetical children they would exclude for things like biting, hitting, bullying etc when this isn’t relevant to ops situation and her DS who has ADHD.
Do people really see ADHD and immediately think of violence and bullying? Ignorance and intolerance at its very worst.

Do people really see ADHD and immediately think of violence and bullying? Ignorance and intolerance at its very worst

Apparently so. They don't even care if they're ignorant. Christ knows what they're teaching their own kids.

I can’t fathom why posters are continuing to talk about hypothetical children

just replying to the "you must never exclude one child under any circumstances ever" because I don't agree with that point.

Shame posters feel the need to turning it into something it isn't. Some people just like drama.

I can see it from both sides.

There is a boy in my daughters class who has adhd and is incredibly disruptive and often rough and violent with other kids. He has said a lot of unkind things to various kids about their weight, the way they look, pushing shoving, etc...

Now on one hand this can't be helped to an extend, he has a condition that causes these outbursts. It's awful that he left out of things and I feel for you both.

But on the other hand why should a child whose birthday it is be pushed to invite a child who has caused them pain and upset?

I don't know what the answer is here but it may not be as simple as leaving him out just because he has adhd, but because the birthday child deserves a lovely day and party without worrying about what a particular child might do?

In this instance I would probably nudge my child towards a small group of kids for an activity rather than an entire class party.

Not suggesting your child OP is on the same level as this but might explain why this might happen.