5yo only child not invited to party

[5adhdparty]

I have posted about a similar thing before but nc'd for this one. I know you can invite who you like to parties, but I'm just feeling so upset at the moment. My 5yo has adhd and he is seen as 'naughty' due to this by some of the children at school. There is a distinct difference between when he is struggling to focus and when he is actually choosing to be naughty which helps myself and school manage the behaviour. Most parents are aware of this but haven't had any issues, they're nice, we have a chat at the gate, some more than others. When it was nursery/pre school I tried to not let myself be bothered when he wasn't invited to things, after all you perhaps just choose a few people or don't know everyone. I've just found out that 2 of the children from his class (which he has moved up with from nursery and reception, so all very settled together now) have had a joint birthday party today and every child was invited except my son. They plastered pictures all over Facebook and I'm 100% that every child in the class was there except my son, plus younger and older siblings and presumably some other friends. I have spoken to these 2 mums more than most, 1 in particular as she works in the area I am currently studying to work in so she has helped me to find a placement (she offered so no CFy!). We chat about all sorts of things. I feel she will still be breezy with me as if nothing has happened. This hurts more. She has deliberately excluded him because I know if I hadn't returned a missed invite she would have asked me recently or texted me today to ask where we were if she'd assumed we were going. No confusion as to would I have stayed (this was mentioned in the last thread I made which was similar a while back), I always stay. My son doesn't know about the party. He will know tomorrow when they all talk about it at school (this has happened before and he has gotten himself very upset and also blamed me for not taking him there). I'm not sure what my AIBU is.. like I said, I know you can invite who you want. This just seems cruel and I'm so so sad for him. These children are the ones he comes home and talks about saying they are his best friends and he can't wait to see them and can they come for tea etc. I guess it's AIBU to feel this way? Should I say something or leave it? These people aren't my friends as such but I thought they were nice and understood a bit about how he isn't really naughty. Sorry for the rant... I just feel crap, like I've been punched in the chest!

Punished? By having a party with maybe 15 children instead of 20? There are bound to be children in the class he doesn’t know well. It’s hardly a punishment to ask a child to invite the children he is friends with to his party, is it?

it's completely unfair and it's absolutely ridiculous to have to tell a child that, in order to avoid someone, he can't have a class party and has to do a little gathering instead. He's basically punished because of one. Wrong on absolutely all levels.

There is never a good reason to exclude one single child.
Of course they are, if that child really upset the other that's more than enough reasons.

Whole class parties are not necessary.
Parties are not necessary if you look at it that way, but sometimes the birthday child wants something that wouldn't work with a small group. Class parties are also a great way to ensure you invite at least everyone once - apart from the one who isn't, obviously - so why on earth not having one.

Leaving one child out is a shitty thing to do
Ignoring your own child's feeling and happiness is an even shittier thing to do.

There is never a good reason to exclude one single child.

I disagree completely. If the child in question had been aggressive why should they be invited. Why would their feelings override the child/ren who have been hurt. Luckily it hasn't come up for me, we have invited the whole class so no one is left out because thankfully there has not been any awful behaviour such as violence. That would be a complete game changer.

Those advocating the exclusion of a single child from parties, if your children grow up to become decent people, just remember it was despite you, not because of you.

Mephisto
I am very confident that what my children need is knowing that their parents have their back, instead of ignoring their feeling.

No one has told you to ignore your child's feelings and no one is victim blaming. Stop twisting what people are saying.

then why should I force my child to invite someone that really upset them, or force my child to change their plans to avoid that person? That is as ridiculous as it is unfair. No sane parents would do that in real life.

then why should I force my child to invite someone that really upset them, or force my child to change their plans to avoid that person? That is as ridiculous as it is unfair. No sane parents would do that in real life

And that's fine. Just don't have a class party minus that one kid. Doing that just smacks of a self indulgent dig.... From you, not your child.

Of course they are, if that child really upset the other that's more than enough reasons

Like I said, totally from the parents...

gamerchick

I find it odd that for you throwing a child's birthday party is "self indulging" and that you would make it all about yourself, but each to their own.

That's not how I see them, and if my kids are uncomfortable to invite one person, then they will never have to. It's never too early to teach them that they don't have to put up with unacceptable behaviour.

@anyoneseenmykeys if you are raising your child to think that they should only consider themselves when making decision that in the scheme of things wont mean that much to them but could have a massive impact on someone else and how that other person feels then you are obviously a selfish person who is happy to raise a selfish child.

You keep talking about violence, chair throwing and bullying. Your ignorance to ADHD is very telling, uneducated attitudes like yours create the stigma that comes with having ADHD. Just about every class and work place has a student or adult who has ADHD within it, most of them functioning only marginally worse than the rest of their class mates.

Many children with ADHD are actually on the receiving end of bullying by NT kids because of the differences they may display rather than the other way around.

Would you invite the kid that had hit or bitten in nursery?

I think the whole or x amount completely misses the point - that some kids are persistently left out.
I dont think things need to be completely fair. But rather than feeling bad for op about 1 party (just because the other 26 kids were invited i feel for the kids who like on this thread get no invites a year, or because of their behaviour when they were 4!
Obviously op hasnt really said if this is the case.
Personally i think 2+ class schools are worse because who would invite 60. There is a lot of room for many kids to get no invites.
Also op said dc birthday was jun so he may across just not be clicking with the older party kids.

A pp said it can be due to the parents so i wonder if

The parents feel even when you are there supervising there are still issues (and sounds like teacher isnt doing any better).
My dc1 can be challenging at home and school, but at parties the 1-2-1 helps and actually behaviour is ok. The issue is often the end transition.

Imo it's ok socially to get upset when frustrated but not scream and shout which is hard for some kids as they have to kerb themself but other kids can just cry

You should be upset . Those mums are stupid cows who should’ve invited ur son but explained to you that they need your help and got you to be there to manage any behaviour issues

But yes. Happens a lot

Sorry been in uni

Keys you’ve been repeatedly told that my son hasn’t hurt or upset anyone so I’m not sure why that’s the point you keep making. If a child is being bullied that’s totally different and not the case here. There could be slight things I’m unaware of but I make a point to ask the teacher in our regular meetings. I also chat to these parents and have seen this child in the last week play with my son quite happily and by choice.

Awkward, I have actually clarified those points. He’s been to 3 maybe 4 parties this year however for the past 2 years whilst in the same class he had absolutely no invites at all. To address something else you said... we are actually a 2 class age group. All 68 pupils plus siblings were invited to my sons birthday earlier this year. It was at a hall so so didn’t have to pay extra other than food and bigger cake but it’s kind to be kind.

In regards to teacher she is very new. We are having someone in on Wednesday to monitor him and give her some advice as to how to handle things better. Only been pushing for that for 2 years before they realised actually, yes, she's right!

Not sure whether you actually have any understand of adhd as it’s certainly not just ‘screaming and shouting due to getting frustrated’. Trust me - his behaviour is not that different to most 5yos when excited at a party actually! He has some issues with his ears so in very loud environments sometimes prefers to come and sit with me.

Definitely my fault that one child was deliberately excluded though, and it just happens to be the only child in the class with extra needs. Ok 🙄

Well, you could go for a direct, 'I noticed that you had a party on Sunday- was it for the whole class? Just wondering if I missed the invite' or you could try a Facebook post about inclusion- see if there's an awareness raising one you could share. If you really wanted to be passive-agressive, you could give the kids in question birthday cards or presents from your son and say, 'As we couldn't come/weren't invited to the party, we thought we'd give you these at school. X wanted Y to have something from him, as they're good friends.'

FWIW, YANBU.

YANBU
one child being excluded is shitty, was always shitty and will always be shitty. I say that as a teacher and a parent.

Well, you could go for a direct, 'I noticed that you had a party on Sunday- was it for the whole class? Just wondering if I missed the invite'

I would go for something much simpler, such as 'how was Johnny's party on Saturday, did he have a good time?'

She posted on FB, so she's hardly hiding it. It's a perfectly legitimate question to ask!

@feckinarse sorry but how do you know your son is top of the class in everything? That information certainly would not be shared with you.

I think it's bad that your son is the only one left out.

Really, children's parties should be a selected few of friends, then relatives and neighbours. Inviting the entire class is OK if everyone is included.

I do understand that people don't want children who are naughty and disruptive but can assure you at my son's 5th year old party, boys with no previous bad behaviour were awful, had fights, played with squirty cream (my fault for buying it), disrupted the act of the magician we'd hired and wrecked the joint! It's funny looking back. I daresay your son wouldn't have been half as bad.

Far better to invite a selected few, in my opinion.

I hope you and your son get over it and I've no doubt he will generally improve as time goes on.

for you.

@Sproutsrock - gosh, in a long post where I talk about the dramatic turnaround in my son's life due to trying ADHD medicine, you pick up on my casual hyperbole? That throwaway comment is the least significant thing, except as a measure of how much his life has changed and improved, and how much the medicine helped him learn and focus.

But - Well, the simple answer is: I live in China, he goes to an international school here. They publish scores.

I lied by omission, though, he's not top of the class in EVERYTHING. (struggles with maths) He's just regularly top of the lists, and is often taught (in streamed/setted areas) in the same classes as children 3+ years older than him.

TBH, it’s a difficult decision and it could have been the child’s decision too. Speaking from my own experience where my DD refused to invite a boy who was very loud and boisterous and after one of her birthday parties where he shouted and screamed and was very lively she said no and wouldn’t be budged, even though he invited her to hers (she refused to go) and still played with him outside - just didn’t want him to “destroy “ her party as she put it. No amount of persuasion would make her change her mind and because it was her party, we just had to walk the social mine field aka schoolyard diplomacy. I really like his parents and, because those things are “advanced child maintenance “ I was left to find excuses so the boy and his parents don’t feel hurt.
What I am trying to say is that children sometimes make those decisions not because they are bullies but because they feel that they want to have a party which is theirs and if your son has a history of boisterous behaviour, they just don’t want him to take over the party which is meant for them. Likewise I can imagine my DD was excluded from some parties because she was not a part of the close circle or the girl simply didn’t like her. And yes, we had that already, shitty feeling but I think we as parents took much longer to get over it than our DD.
We just made sure DD had a wider circle of friends than the school and now she has a better social life because she gets invited to parties from her sports club and her friends from the estate she plays with.

@OrchidInTheSun you calling everyone out and calling people cunts is unacceptable. Just shut up and wind your neck in.

If your kid doesn’t want to invite one child, that’s fine. They don’t have to invite anyone they don’t want to. But then, as a parent, you tell them it’s nasty to exclude just one child, and they can’t have a whole class party.

They either invite everyone, or only a few/half/whatever. Be a parent and teach them that excluding only one child is not on.

It’s really not hard. Some of you are seriously awful people.

Just to add to my previous post - despite what I wrote, excluding one child is shitty and if that were the case in my DD’s story I would have put my foot down, there’s a difference between a group of 10 kids and a whole class - how can someone manage a horde of 25+ screaming children?