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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect her to pay

141 replies

Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 08:57

My MIL has come to stay with us in our flat...for 3 weeks...
We recently moved abroad so a long stay was expected - did not expect 3 weeks in our own space though, but that’s fine - the boys are sharing a bed to accommodate her and she’s got her own room etc.
But...am I being unreasonable to expect her to actually pay for anything while she’s here? She’s expecting us to take her on excursions/to restaurants but we are expected to pay for it all. It really winds me up when she orders a hot and cold drink, plus a main salad and a side of chips “for the table” despite everyone’s meals otherwise coming with chips. It really is beginning to piss me off, especially when earlier I went to get a coffee and she just tacked on to the end of my order and didn’t pay, leaving me to.
She is our guest I suppose, but am I being unreasonable for expecting her to contribute to meals out/pay for her own tickets/coffees? Or should I just put up with it as she’s paid a big air ticket to ‘grace’ us with her presence and accept that the extra £250ish it’s cost so far (one week to go) is just the price for family coming so far to see us?

OP posts:
pp12 · 06/10/2019 08:59

It’s just common decency to pay your own way when staying somewhere.

cittigirl · 06/10/2019 09:02

What does your dh say? I agree with PP, she should offer to pay something at least.

Lulualla · 06/10/2019 09:03

If you don't discuss it now then it will become the standard for her visits, and if she gets an almost free holiday then they will be yearly.

You or your husband need to speak with her. Tell her it's lovely to have her but you really can't afford to pay for all her expenses whilst she's here. Tell her you're happy to feed her while she is in the house, and treat to one meal during her visit, but she needs to start paying her own way for all the other stuff. Just say you can't afford it.

Wolfiefan · 06/10/2019 09:03

Don’t take her out for meals? Say you’ve spent all you can afford these last two weeks?

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 06/10/2019 09:03

Yanbu. I wouldn't expect a guest to pay for anything food/drink I offer in the home (although wine, chocs etc is usually offered by guest on arrival) but meals out etc I would expect them to contribute or pay for themselves or at least get a round of drinks or coffees occasionally.

She's taking the piss op. What does your dh say?

ShanghaiDiva · 06/10/2019 09:03

I also live overseas and it's a tricky situation. for parents and inlaws we expect to pick up the tab as they are retired. When we host siblings I expect them to pay for their own meals if we go out and for own entrance tickets.
However, your mil ordering extra dishes for 'the table' would annoy me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2019 09:05

Of course she should be offering to pay her way. Yes she’s family and a guest but it sounds like her visit was her decision rather than a response to an invitation for 3 weeks and it’s coming at a sizeable cost in terms of actual money and the comfort of yourself and your children in your home. She should be buying groceries, taking you out for meals and picking up the cost of her own bloody coffees.

It’s done now but you know for next time. Limit her stay to what suits you, not only her, and put it off for a while!

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 06/10/2019 09:06

In her shoes, I would definitely contribute. My SIL did this to us years ago, including putting food exclusively for her DC in the trolley at the supermarket. All she contributed was a bottle of wine a night for her and DH to tank down (she knew I couldn't drink any as I was pregnant). We hired a car, paid for petrol, ate out, paid for museum entry, the lot, and she never offered a penny, despite the fact that we were in a similar financial situation. Had she been really skint, I'd have seen it differently, esp if she had helped out (she didn't, she did fuck all). So I know exactly how you are feeling and have been careful never to do the same.

So after that vent, YANBU!

BeanBag7 · 06/10/2019 09:06

YANBU. You're putting her up so if anything she should be treating you to meals out etc.
Why dont you just eat at home and not go out for meals all the time? What sort of thing would you normally eat - just have the same and make a bit extra for MIL. Take picnic lunches on days out.

I also second the idea of asking DH to talk to her, she is his family so his responsibility really.

How does she go about expecting you to pay? Like when the bill arrives, dont you just say "oh your share is £X MIL", pay your share and just leave her to it.

Iloveacurry · 06/10/2019 09:07

Well for a start, don’t go out for so many meals. Eat at home. Also has she come to visit you or be a tourist? Can’t she go out and do the touristy stuff herself if she wants?

Happygoldfinch · 06/10/2019 09:07

Awful behaviour from the MIL. She should know better and she should be falling over herself to give you some space and to pay for things herself. Hosting people is an absolute nightmare.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/10/2019 09:07

My suggestion would be the following. Sit down and have a chat with her there and your DH. Say that you have no problem with her staying and you're happy she feels welcome in your home. However, you can't afford to bring her out so frequently so you've got a plan. You cover the costs for the first week of her visit. You share the costs (I.e. both you and her pay for excursions/restaurants) for the second week and then on the third week, only she pays.
See how that goes.

peachypetite · 06/10/2019 09:09

This needs to come from your DH. Not you.

CherryPavlova · 06/10/2019 09:09

We would pay but we can. I suspect she’s thought the flights were expensive and more than she’d usually spend at home.
I’d never expect a guest or family member to pay for a short stay - and three weeks is a short stay. She is the children’s grandmother.
I think if it’s too much you reduce the number of meals out and excursions or take cheaper options.

Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 09:10

DH is annoyed too but won’t broach it as she’s ‘elderly’ (she’s now 70) and may not be able to do this forever. Plus we can technically afford it but I can think of far better things to spend £250 on than other people’s restaurant tabs!

I’m cooking tonight so it’s not so bad but there will be comments during the week about “enjoying the local cuisine” (which is BS as the actual local cuisine is too local for her and definitely not vegetarian, which she is).
Luckily DH is suggesting we limit future trips to a fortnight.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 06/10/2019 09:11

If out, I would just state, when paying, X amount on this card please, then MiL would be under no illusion that she would be paying for her own. Even coffee, I would say we will pay separately.

Happygoldfinch · 06/10/2019 09:11

WhatchaMaCalllit that's such a good idea; talk about a social experiment! Quantitative data, too. I feel a spreadsheet coming on Smile

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2019 09:12

3 weeks is not a short stay. I adore my parents and siblings but I’d never have anyone stay for 3 weeks. We love hosting people but 3 days tops is plenty. The DC are having to share a bed. For 3 weeks!

Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 09:13

Would love to limit excursions but she has quite a lot of learned helplessness and insists she can’t explore by herself, which is a shame as this city couldn’t be easier to get around.
Insisting on eating more at home will be the way to go I think.

OP posts:
anyoneseenmykeys · 06/10/2019 09:14

YANBU

fair enough to host at home, and normally tend to give you a thank you gift or take you for diner once at as thank you.

re excursions and meal out, it depends who initiated them.
If you are the one offering to take the family out all the time, it's nice, but it's really up to you to pick up the tab.

In my family, the guests always offer - and usually try to pay without asking - on days out, but if you picture people with different financial situation, that's not possible for everybody. If the friend staying over for the weekend is single, (as in 1 person), I am very careful not to let them pay for anything expensive, as the rest of us means 2 adults and 4 kids!

When you invite someone for diner, you don't expect anything, standard is usually some flowers, a bottle or something for the kids. You wouldn't expect them to pay for the meal or part of it, so same thing for a longer visit.

but a thank you goes a very long way, sounds like your MIL is quite mute on that one...

Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 09:17

I wouldn’t describe 3 weeks as a short stay. It’s a long time for a 10 year old and 3 year old to share a bed!
I will just try and suck it up for the next week - eat at home apart from before she goes back (be happy to pay for that). It’s just the extras that have really irked me.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 06/10/2019 09:17

Just tell her you're skint now. I never get these issues and the tip toing around people do. 3 weeks is a long time by anyone's standards, she's unreasonable to expect a visit to be totally funded for that long.

You've done your stint no more meals out.

Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 09:17

Whatcha I really like your idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 09:19

@anyoneseenmykeys, yes - it’s the expectation too that’s annoying me - if we were thanked then it would be slightly different, but it just hasn’t occurred to her to offer to pay or anything.

Meals at home is definitely the way to go, or perhaps when she suggests somewhere “oh great idea, thanks so much for treating us!”

OP posts:
Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 09:21

@gamerchick she is one for turning on the tears. I am, after all the harlot who stole her only son away from her...
I just think some clearer expectations moving forward is best, and eating at home rather than out.

OP posts:
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