AIBU to expect her to pay

[Introvertedbuthappy]

My MIL has come to stay with us in our flat...for 3 weeks...
We recently moved abroad so a long stay was expected - did not expect 3 weeks in our own space though, but that’s fine - the boys are sharing a bed to accommodate her and she’s got her own room etc.
But...am I being unreasonable to expect her to actually pay for anything while she’s here? She’s expecting us to take her on excursions/to restaurants but we are expected to pay for it all. It really winds me up when she orders a hot and cold drink, plus a main salad and a side of chips “for the table” despite everyone’s meals otherwise coming with chips. It really is beginning to piss me off, especially when earlier I went to get a coffee and she just tacked on to the end of my order and didn’t pay, leaving me to.
She is our guest I suppose, but am I being unreasonable for expecting her to contribute to meals out/pay for her own tickets/coffees? Or should I just put up with it as she’s paid a big air ticket to ‘grace’ us with her presence and accept that the extra £250ish it’s cost so far (one week to go) is just the price for family coming so far to see us?

She should definitely pay her way.

@GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman I feel your pain! She keeps putting expensive imported wine in while we’re shopping and it annoys me so much! She’s the only one who drinks it, my husband and I are happy enough with knock off Diet Coke 😂

Yes, your DP needs to have a word. 3 weeks IS a long time. most people have 2 week holidays on average.
Cook more at home, and take the wine out of the trolley, and say 'we can't afford that, try this cheaper one'

Stop doing excursions, I presume you have done some which you've paid for but she won't expect you to carry on doing them.

I wouldn't expect her to pay for meals that are cooked in your home, you are the hosts and that means hospitality; it doesn't cost that much to feed one other person. It's the other things that really cost.

She will most likely pay for things and treat you. Come back and tell us.

What does your husband think?

Is she able to afford to pay for herself?

She keeps putting expensive imported wine in while we’re shopping and it annoys me so much!

Can you keep it separate and say 'do you want to go first' when you get to the checkout and helpfully take her stuff out for her?

I expected to cook for her, provide breakfast items etc. Happily asked what she’d prefer and included that in shopping. I am not so happy with having her ask to eat out, order a main and sides and then not pay anything towards it. Likewise suggesting expensive excursions, insisting we book as she’s too shy and then not paying anything either.

Luckily we’re back at work next week so it’ll be easier to avoid excursions and meals out.

I wouldn’t describe 3 weeks as a short stay. It’s a long time for a 10 year old and 3 year old to share a bed!

I would get a spare bed to be honest, even an inflatable mattress for one of the children. Will be useful for friends sleepovers anyway.
But I completely agree with you, much better to give guest a room and keeping the living room free!

Likewise suggesting expensive excursions
she can suggest, you can "suggest" something else. You sound lovely, with 2 kids you could have stuck to "child-friendly" outings

Shopping’s easy, just separate it out at the till ‘Mil, you go first as you’ve only got wine for you’. Piece of cake.

@slowdownplease yes she is, she received a 6 figure pension last year and had already paid off her mortgage etc. She eats out every day in the Uk so maybe it’s just the equivalent of eating at home for her? Although whenever we’ve eaten out with her she’s always insisted we pay our way so who knows? 😂

@anyoneseenmykeys tbh the bed thing sounds worse than it is - the kids both have kingsize beds as it’s a rental and that’s just what they had - it’s more that my 10 year old is quite self conscious and my 3 year old is a wriggler 😂

@Cherrysoup I’ll do that next time! Good thinking. I did say when she wanted to get a guide book the other day after I’d spent £50 odd on tickets somewhere “don’t let me stop you MIL, the counter is free”. Funnily enough she didn’t want one after all.

She can now than afford it, she's a CF!

She's gobby enough to make you pay when you visit her.

Just say it's your turn to pay, and don't budge. She's brazen enough so you need to be the same with her.

I wouldn't step out the bloody door with her.

Could you joke lightheartedly when she suggests eating out

"where are you taking us then , your shout"

I'm very fortunate that my dps are not like this. I would expect to pay with my own adult dc as they are starting out but she sounds stingy

Your DH needs to have a word.

Although whenever we’ve eaten out with her she’s always insisted we pay our way

So you do exactly the same to her - using the exact same words or method she does with you.

What’s the problem with that?

When shopping why not separate the trolley into yours and her 'extras', then at the till divide it. Pay for yours and start packing. Tell the cashier 'we are together but paying separate for that'. Leaving MIL with no illusion that her treats and extras are for her.

When she suggests a restaurant 'thanks! Will be lovely to be treated and leave my purse at home'.

Was she like this at home? Did you always have to pay for her when you ate out?

Is There a different language and culture where you are, is she scared to try and pay?

She sounds awful and you are totally in the right.

But - would she ever visit again of you raised this? Would your husband be upset?

You could tackle it a little at a time. Lift the wine out and say it’s a bit pricey for you. Don’t go to as many restaurants. Look up things with free entry. Show her what your normal life is like in this exciting new place.

When she hints at eating out, say the weeks entertainment budget is spent - but how about going to a local market getting local fresh food and have a relaxed night in.

Keep referring to budgets and money as the reason you can’t do the things she wants.

If she expects you to pay your way when you visit her, you need to do the same to her! She’s got a 6 figure pension ffs, she’s not on the breadline!

I’m perhaps just a bit of a doormat. I guess it’s tricky as she made such a big deal of us ‘abandoning her’ in the first place by moving abroad. She’s very quick to cry and it makes my DH and I feel very awkward and uncomfortable as she always says things like “this is just how I feel” and finds it difficult to understand that that’s fine but how she acts and what she says influences how we feel, and crying because we’ve suggested she maybe leaves it a few months before visiting again is perhaps a bit OTT when we’ve agreed to visit her after Christmas despite the fact that flying long haul again wouldn’t be something we’d be doing if it wasn’t for us wanting to facilitate her relationship with our kids (she’s not that fussed on them tbh, only DH).
Sigh. These feelings are probably also influencing why I’m so bothered about the paying thing.

@Dollymixture22 those are good questions.
I guess in an ideal world she’d visit for 10 days or so a couple of times a year and we’d return to the UK once a year in the summer. But that’s our other bridge to cross as she currently wants to spend every single holiday we have with us, including holidays abroad etc. That’s not happening and thankfully DH agrees, but how to broach that sensitively and without the emotional blackmail and tears is tricky.

I’m surprised she hasn’t cut her visit short OP, or are you very good at hiding your contempt of her?