AIBU to expect her to pay

[Introvertedbuthappy]

My MIL has come to stay with us in our flat...for 3 weeks...
We recently moved abroad so a long stay was expected - did not expect 3 weeks in our own space though, but that’s fine - the boys are sharing a bed to accommodate her and she’s got her own room etc.
But...am I being unreasonable to expect her to actually pay for anything while she’s here? She’s expecting us to take her on excursions/to restaurants but we are expected to pay for it all. It really winds me up when she orders a hot and cold drink, plus a main salad and a side of chips “for the table” despite everyone’s meals otherwise coming with chips. It really is beginning to piss me off, especially when earlier I went to get a coffee and she just tacked on to the end of my order and didn’t pay, leaving me to.
She is our guest I suppose, but am I being unreasonable for expecting her to contribute to meals out/pay for her own tickets/coffees? Or should I just put up with it as she’s paid a big air ticket to ‘grace’ us with her presence and accept that the extra £250ish it’s cost so far (one week to go) is just the price for family coming so far to see us?

This is like reading my life back to me. I'm in a very similar position (except it's my own DM) - live abroad and everytime we see her when we're back in the UK, we are expected to pay. But she does buy me a pack of marshmallows or some cheese and that's her contribution and that's enough (she genuinely thinks this).

My DH is fed up with it and so we limit the opportunities whereby this expecting us to pay happens. She has the hide of a rhino but simultaneously turns on the waterworks if we're not paying her enough attention. She's a very complex person and honestly feels that I owe her for giving me life.

The only way to get round it is to limit the time spent with her but I can see that this isn't going to be as easy for you. Some people don't realise that just talking about this behaviour isn't going to cut it, so you have to be the one to make the changes.

learned helplessness and insists she can’t explore by herself, which is a shame as this city couldn’t be easier to get around.
My mum in her 70s is very independent, generally gets on with things and isn’t helpless in any way. She wouldn’t be keen to explore a strange city, abroad, by herself. MIL is less independent, becomes anxious when things are unfamiliar, she had a husband who did everything and after he died ten years ago had to learn how to live alone. She has done well but still struggles sometimes. You’re being very unfair here. Theirs was a different generation.

You don’t like her, we get that, so why not just restrict her visits.

She's not "other people" she's your DH's Mother. If you can afford it, then you're just being a bit mean

I agree. If I could afford to, it wouldn’t occur to me to be annoyed at paying for a guest’s meals when we went out to eat. In fact, it annoys me when MIL insists on always paying her way, no matter what. If we go to the store and she puts the bread she likes in to the trolley, she insists on paying the 1.29 for it. She’s getting better now as I keep telling her she needs to put her purse away or she isn’t getting fed.

Life’s too short to get worked up about these things, I know one day Mum and MIL won’t be here. I’d hate to look back and think I stressed over such little things.

it wouldn’t occur to me to be annoyed at paying for a guest’s meals when we went out to eat

Even if you weren’t planning to eat out? Even if your guest was suggesting eating out at your expense most nights and you didn’t want to?
Even if they wanted to put abbottle of £27 wine that you didn’t drink in your shopping basket and not pay? What if it was 2 bottles? 3? 4? Is there no point that you would say enough is enough?

If you can afford it then you are being mean, she is your husbands mother, she has raised your husband. If it bothers you so much, just don't eat out as much.

Three weeks is a LONG visit.
Seventy is young these days, tbh, so it would be best to set parameters now or this could become a couple of times a year visit.
I would have removed the twenty seven quid wine out of the trolley sharpish, say oh we never spend that much on wine, and put it in a basket for her to pay for it, or picked up a reasonably priced one to replace it.
The children won't be happy to share forever to facilitate this visit especially as they get older. So it's best to sort this now, IMO.

You have a DH issue.

She is your DH's mother. If your DH is happy with the situation and happy to pay for his DM then you need to discuss your concerns with your DH and come to some agreement. If your DH is unhappy with what his DM is doing then he needs to discuss the problem with his DM pronto. Ultimately, she is his mother and she is his problem.

Your MIL is behaving badly and you both know it. But until your DH is willing to put his foot down and recognise is NOT elderly mother (she's not, she really isn't) is taking the piss on purpose and using tears as a weapon, nothing will change.

I'd flat out tell her she's embarrassing herself and making you two not want to host her again, so she really needs to think about how she's treating you in your own home. It's making you want to spend less time with her, not more. Tell her!

Wow, by afford to I meant that we can cover it but it’ll mean other sacrifices , we still have overdrafts to pay off back home and she is rich. I don’t begrudge hosting her but paying meals out we hadn’t planned on having in the first place (one that was £200) is a bit much. Coffee here is expensive, £5 a cup! That adds up.

And by having children I would never expect my kids that they “owe me” in the future. That’s fucked up, I chose to have them. I would never impose myself on them for 3 weeks at a time.
Also she wasn’t the best mother to my husband, but that’s a whole different thread.

I think you have to be more vocal "MIL I don't have the budget for x we have overdrafts we are struggling to pay off"

Start saying that because it's the truth, it sounds like you can't currently afford to pay for expensive luxuries. Presumably she paid for her own flights which be fuelling her entitlement?

if it is affordable then I don't see any problem at all paying for food and drink for your family Jeez chewbacca you manage to make it sound like OP begrudges her a plate of spag bol and a glass of red. The MIL has had everything paid for - day trips, entry into venues, restaurant meals and alcohol as well as expensive items in the Ops grocery shop such as expensive imported wine .

Ffs, just because somebody has enough money to pay doesn't mean the other person is entitled to sit back and expect them to! After all, the MIL is pretty wealthy from what OP has written, does that mean OP and her DH should expect MIL to pay for everything for 3 weeks? No, of course not. I cannot abide people who take the attitude of well you can afford it so I'll spend your money as I see fit. They're grabby fuckers and being someone's parent doesn't change that.

She's not "other people" she's your DH's Mother. If you can afford it, then you're just being a bit mean

Agree with this and your dislike and jabs at her as a person are just dripping from every post.

I totally get where you are coming from.

Does she have many friends at home? She does sound a bit of a cf.

You need to say something or she will expect it every time she visits

Another tactic is "if we don't budget we won't be able to afford the flights to come and visit you at Easter"

MIL is probably an entitled CF but assume she is just ignorant that your increase in income does not mean you have plenty of money! If you don't tell her that financially you have debt and need to budget then she will assume otherwise.

It's the other way around in my experience.

Whenever I used to travel to see my brother I used to pay for all our meals etc.

@CarolDanvers better “dripping from every post” (hyperbole much) than in front of her. Today I took her for coffee and asked if she wanted to come with me to the park with the kids. I asked DH to go out with her this afternoon to help her gain confidence on the metro. I bought her her favoured breakfast items at the supermarket (do not begrudge it) and ensured everything is vegetarian.
I think being annoyed at running up a £250 bill in an anonymous forum is ok.

I'd start being clearer about finances. If she brings up visiting again, you can say she'll need to leave it a while as her last visit cost so much and you can't afford it.

It is very cheeky. I'd expect bills to be split, although visiting family normally would pay for one meal out as a thank you for hosting. I'd expect them to pay for attraction tickets for themselves too.

I suspect she is pissed off about you taking her little baby off to a whole other country, but what she is doing is counter productive and likely to backfire spectacularly in the long run.

I guess my concern is about establishing this as expectation. Thanks to everyone for their opinions.

YANBU atall!

My parents live abroad and when we go to visit we stay in their house. After already giving us free accomadation I wouldn't expect them to pay for any of our meals, drinks, days out etc. They do kindly treat us now and again but we pay our way apart from that and I usually take them for lunch on our last day as a thank you.

Don't take her shopping with you again. You or DH should go do it on your own & make sure any wine you get for her is local & affordable for you.
Has she been getting any treats for the DC? Tell her what they like & send her off with them to a local shop.
If she turns on the waterworks too often don't try to hide the odd eye roll between you & DH. She's 70, neither a helpless geriatric nor an infant & if she pulls the "it's just the way I am" tell her the eye rolls is just the way you are. I'm in my 60's & am gobsmacked that someone only a few years older than me can't get around herself, know she should pay for things & behave better generally in someone else's home, relative or not.

Yes OP she is being a cf.

The wine thing is just not good imo.

We lived abroad for a few years. I get the impact of extra trips and meals out which werent planned. It isnt simply the extra cost of one person it is that you wouldnt have been there at all if it hadnt been for the visitor.

In our situation DPiL were experienced house guests. They would always make a meaningful contribution (eg pay for shopping). DM was a less experienced house guest, her contribution was to pay for a takeaway which we wouldnt have chosen to have otherwise.

DM often complained about how expensive the trips to visit us were despite the fact that her actual outgoings for the trip were the train/bus from the airport to our house and a takeaway. We paid for flights and DFiL drove her to/from the airport!

When we moved back to the UK DM said she missed her holidays to visit us. There is no pleasing some people!

Even my MIL who at times can be an nightmare and I've learned how to deal with over the last 20 years, with her sulks and pandering will always pay her way. ( actually she offers to pay for us then holds it over us, that of course is a separate issue, so now we don't let her other than the odd event). However, she's trying to be weak and feeble victim, rather than the forward thinking 70 year old she's fully capable of being.

Oh @gnome I feel your pain!