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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect her to pay

141 replies

Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 08:57

My MIL has come to stay with us in our flat...for 3 weeks...
We recently moved abroad so a long stay was expected - did not expect 3 weeks in our own space though, but that’s fine - the boys are sharing a bed to accommodate her and she’s got her own room etc.
But...am I being unreasonable to expect her to actually pay for anything while she’s here? She’s expecting us to take her on excursions/to restaurants but we are expected to pay for it all. It really winds me up when she orders a hot and cold drink, plus a main salad and a side of chips “for the table” despite everyone’s meals otherwise coming with chips. It really is beginning to piss me off, especially when earlier I went to get a coffee and she just tacked on to the end of my order and didn’t pay, leaving me to.
She is our guest I suppose, but am I being unreasonable for expecting her to contribute to meals out/pay for her own tickets/coffees? Or should I just put up with it as she’s paid a big air ticket to ‘grace’ us with her presence and accept that the extra £250ish it’s cost so far (one week to go) is just the price for family coming so far to see us?

OP posts:
fedup21 · 06/10/2019 10:05

You are being a bit of a doormat and if you say nothing, she will continue to expect this sort of ‘holiday’ several times a year for the rest of her life.

Separate her expensive wine from the rest of your shopping and say-I’ll let you pay for that!

If she suggests eating out-say, no we will eat in as it gets so pricey to eat out. If she wants expensive excursions, say you’ll book them for her and ask for her card.

Have you tried any of these things?

CarolDanvers · 06/10/2019 10:08

Sounds like you just don't really like her and are very irritated by her. Little criticisms in all your posts...

Three weeks is too long really. It would drive me nuts but I probably would expect to pay if she'd come from a long distance and paid a lot to get here.

Hulahola · 06/10/2019 10:09

YANBU She should be offering to pay for at least some of the meals when you are dining out. Turn about really?! That’s what I would expect! If it was my mum visiting she would most definitely not expect me or my DH to fork out for everything!

minababelina · 06/10/2019 10:10

I think it’s more a matter of principle than of who has more money. She should have warned you before travelling that paying for the ticket would leave her without money to spend on the trip, if that is actually the case. If you don’t say anything now this would definitively become the standard and worse, would always make you resentful. You should also try to confront her in a lighthearted way (re: chips for the table for ex.), on the spot, instead of an embarrassing sit-down conversation in my view. Unless her son does it on his own. Preferably, he should take issue with it, not you. But how financially comfortable is she? and you? She should be offering to pay anyway, and you could decline every time, but this silent expectation is more than annoying. Had a similar problem with MIL, but fixed now. DH spoke to her and I think she could read my facial expressions when another bottle of wine was ordered... and not a dent to the relationship. MIL is a wonderful woman, but unfortunately a bit cheeky when it comes to money. And my examples at home were totally different. DM always wants to pay for everything, quite wealthy though. But DF, divorced from DM, didn’t have a lot of money for years but always insisted on paying for himself and sometimes for us. I’m usually very generous with guests, friends, but that sort of entitlement kills it. Good luck!!

Tonnerre · 06/10/2019 10:11

Would love to limit excursions but she has quite a lot of learned helplessness and insists she can’t explore by herself, which is a shame as this city couldn’t be easier to get around.

Easily dealt with, surely? Next time she says she fancies going anywhere, say "That's a shame, unfortunately we can't take you as we can't afford it. Can you go by yourself?"

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 06/10/2019 10:11

Stop facilitating it then. Tell her you’re all spent out now, dinners are home cooked and simple, she’s welcome to take herself off on trips out. Stop going along with her suggestions, and don’t give in to emotional blackmail.

Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 10:11

@NoSauce I’m very good at hiding my contempt because I’m not a bitch, I realise that it’s important to her to see her son and to maintain a relationship with her grandchildren. I will not stand in the way of that but I can be pissed off at funding it all.

Yes I am a doormat. I did suggest eating in tonight and she’s sulking a bit but it’s worked so I just need to get on with it! Once her current bottle is empty I will suggest how she can get a new one but not pay. I don’t mind getting a juice or her choice etc, but £27 imported wine that only she drinks is a bit much.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 06/10/2019 10:12

Refuse to commit to all her holiday plans. ‘Sorry, we don’t know yet what we will be doing. You should make some other plans that don’t include us for some of your breaks.’

When she starts on about her feelings, ‘Yes, we hear you. Sometimes it’s hard to accept our choices but it will get easier.’

When she wants to eat out again, ‘Sorry, we can’t afford to eat out all the time, maybe you’ve forgotten what it’s like when you have children and guests.’

If you are both working this week presumably she will have to fend for herself more? Leave her a shopping list and ask her to make dinner a few times? And encourage her to get out on her own. If she’s going to be a regular visitor she needs to be treated like one of the family rather than a guest. Feed her that idea and maybe she will be easier to manage.

Tonnerre · 06/10/2019 10:12

If she's only interested in seeing your DH, can he visit on his own?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 06/10/2019 10:13

Most people would not expect hosts to take them out and foot the bill, its cheeky and rude. If your husband doesnt want you to say anything though I think I'd be a bit passive aggressive about it! Go somewhere really cheap and cheerful to eat or just stay in and if she says anything just say your food budget has been used up this month. As you tuck into your beans on toast

Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 10:15

Lots of food for thought. We can afford it, but that’s only a recent thing. We are not as wealthy as her, but few people are and that probably explains her attitude (that it’s not much more money). Doesn’t explain why she splits dimes on her turf, but as that was very rare we could afford that anyway it was a bit of a non-issue.

It has been nice to vent though, so thanks! I will try some of the ideas suggested.

OP posts:
Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 10:17

@MatildaTheCat great ideas. Yes she’ll have to fend for herself during the day now as we’re out at work/commuting 6:45-6.

OP posts:
Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 10:19

@Tonnerre I have suggested that but doesn’t want to miss time with the kids. He’s suggested taking them himself after Christmas though which would work.

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 06/10/2019 10:20

It will be interesting to see how things go next week when she has to fend for herself. I am willing to bet she is not as helpless as she is making out.

Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 10:20

@GettingABitDesperateNow good idea - sadly beans would have to be imported so would ironically be a luxury item 😂

OP posts:
fedup21 · 06/10/2019 10:21

What will she be doing with herself from 6.45-6 whilst you’re out?

Waiting for you to come back and do dinner!?Grin

Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 10:22

@Apolloanddaphne I suspect you are right - after all she is a very capable woman who did a very high up job for many years! I suspect it’s for her son’s benefit which is a shame as she doesn’t need to do it, he loves her regardless of how independent/helpless she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 10:23

@fedup21 I hope not - we’re in one of the most exciting and dynamic cities in the world! She might do it for a day but I suspect she’ll get bored.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 06/10/2019 10:25

@introvertedbuthappy in case you hadn’t guessed I have close relations who have been living abroad (probably in your neck of the woods) for a long while.

I also suggest talking to some of your expat friends as and when the chance arises because this will be a recurring theme. A lot of people see the lifestyle and don’t recognise how expensive it is to live there.

Set the tone now. She’s had her jolly, now it’s back to business Smile .

BillHadersNewWife · 06/10/2019 10:31

we can technically afford it but I can think of far better things to spend £250 on than other people’s restaurant tabs!

She's not "other people" she's your DH's Mother. If you can afford it, then you're just being a bit mean.

CraftyYankee · 06/10/2019 10:37

That is a long time. My in-laws came and stayed with us for five and a half weeks last summer. Fortunately they are very independent and would do things on their own, but it was still too much.

Perhaps a round of working late and letting DH deal with her solo one night this week is in order!

I have a good relationship with my in-laws but definitely sometimes remind my DH that they're here to see him and the girls, I'm just part of the package. Sending them off without me gives us a breather from each other.

ElizaDee · 06/10/2019 10:44

Jesus Christ, she's your husband's mother. If you can't treat your mother, who can you treat?

I doubt she said she'll only feed and entertain her son for 2 weeks of the year when she was bring him up for, you know, 18 years of his life.

She's 70, this could be her last trip. Value the time with her rather than resent her.

ElizaDee · 06/10/2019 10:44

I wouldn't expect my mum to pay for anything if this were me.

katewhinesalot · 06/10/2019 10:48

It's not just her £250 though is it. You are paying more to entertain her with your shares too.

I'd fully pay for wine/food she eats and drinks in your house but cut the meals out as you are "concerned about your level of spending"

Chewbecca · 06/10/2019 10:52

She should offer to pay for something BUT, if it is affordable then I don't see any problem at all paying for food and drink for your family.
I'm a bit shocked that you are complaining about the cost of a coffee or that she ordered a hot and cold drink (say a water and a coffee?).
You sound quite mean.