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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect her to pay

141 replies

Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 08:57

My MIL has come to stay with us in our flat...for 3 weeks...
We recently moved abroad so a long stay was expected - did not expect 3 weeks in our own space though, but that’s fine - the boys are sharing a bed to accommodate her and she’s got her own room etc.
But...am I being unreasonable to expect her to actually pay for anything while she’s here? She’s expecting us to take her on excursions/to restaurants but we are expected to pay for it all. It really winds me up when she orders a hot and cold drink, plus a main salad and a side of chips “for the table” despite everyone’s meals otherwise coming with chips. It really is beginning to piss me off, especially when earlier I went to get a coffee and she just tacked on to the end of my order and didn’t pay, leaving me to.
She is our guest I suppose, but am I being unreasonable for expecting her to contribute to meals out/pay for her own tickets/coffees? Or should I just put up with it as she’s paid a big air ticket to ‘grace’ us with her presence and accept that the extra £250ish it’s cost so far (one week to go) is just the price for family coming so far to see us?

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 06/10/2019 11:47

Unfortunately OP this has now become established as expectation. By MIL! She's made it very clear that she won't be paying when she visits you, there's no ambiguity here. You/DH need to either bite the bullet before her next trip and tell her that you can't afford to absorb that level of expense every time she visits OR you accept that this is how it will be for the foreseeable.

Oh and I definitely would not go with a pps suggestion of Week 1 you pay, Week 2 split, Week 3 she pays. It's wide open to abuse by somebody who has already shown they expect you to shoulder the cost so what would most likely happen is your week still somehow works out the most expensive . Besides, if you're prepared to have that conversation with her then surely you should be able to suggest just splitting costs? Far less convoluted than the "who's week is it" messing about.

rubyroot · 06/10/2019 11:50

70 is not elderly. You and your oh are both doormats. You need to be assertive and tell her how it is. She spends her own money, pays for her own excursions and buys her own wine. You've allowed this to happen I'm afraid!

Knittedfairies · 06/10/2019 11:50

If you did go with Week 1 you pay, Week 2 split, Week 3 she pays, might she only stay a week?

Original poster

Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 11:51

@savemeberry I think you’re right and we’ll broach it before the next time. Just even a “I think we’ll have to eat in mainly this time as it was a bit expensive on the last trip” and leave it at that.
I don’t begrudge cooking for anyone (cooking for 5 vs 4 is negligible) just the extra meals out etc.

OP posts:

theunknownknown · 06/10/2019 11:57

A six figure pension? Six figures?!! that is £100k a year? Are you serious, and she is too shy to go on an excursion on her own or book it?
You've got to be kidding.

chunn65 · 06/10/2019 12:03

My fil did this on a visit to us. We had a expat club and he ordered lobster for starters as well as steak mains. insisted on "a good Chablis" that he manly drank, pissed me off. What he failed to realise was his son (my hubby) had to pay to settle the bill at the end of the month, They don't pay with cash. He was a show off and would tell friends oh my son lives there I'll arrange for you to stay with them.! complete strangers. and we would be expected to pick people up at the airport for their stay. Yes mil should pay her way but yr hubby should be saying it.

CharityDingle · 06/10/2019 12:07

He was a show off and would tell friends oh my son lives there I'll arrange for you to stay with them.! complete strangers. and we would be expected to pick people up at the airport for their stay.

Please say you didn't allow this to happen?

fedup21 · 06/10/2019 12:07

DM was a less experienced house guest, her contribution was to pay for a takeaway which we wouldnt have chosen to have otherwise.

Yes, we’ve had house guests like that! ‘Treating’ us to stuff we wouldn’t have had to do otherwise and then having to be grateful for it!

dottiedodah · 06/10/2019 12:09

I think she should definitely be offering to pay! When we go abroad to visit In laws we always offer to pay for lunches ,some shopping etc .(Dont eat out really ,just BBQ at home etc).This is also a long haul destination and costs of flights.Taxis and O/N stay at Airport hotels all add up! In future say to her that you will be visiting Museums and places of Interest that are free! (if shes not happy will have to cough up)!Some people when older always seem to think they are worse off somehow (Not always true)!

poppycity · 06/10/2019 12:14

You are encountering two of the main challenges when you live abroad: long visits and people thinking it is their holiday and down to you to accommodate/treat/entertain. A close relative moved to a lovely house in Oz right on the water and has had to have some boundaries put in place. She sent out an email to everyone saying they are so grateful people want to visit, and they've been thinking about how to accommodate that while still needing the children to have normal lives, do school work etc. So the boundaries she put in place including visits being limited to two weeks as a maximum, unless elderly grandparents everyone needs to rent a car and explore through that two weeks so they aren't sitting in the house for two weeks, for example DB and SIL just visited and they were there 2 weeks but spend 6/14 days driving up the coast. She also explained that M-F they have their normal routine and apart from the odd coffee out or morning out they won't be able to entertain but she provided links to city tours etc. And then weekends she would ask what would you like to do and they will take guests there for a day out. They've had a massive slew of visitors (both sets of grandparents, one set is divorced so double the visitors, some siblings came to visit, as did best friends). She said after years of being abroad (they were in America, France and South Africa before that), they finally have the sweet spot with visitors, no longer feel resentment and now just enjoy visits.

Grainedmonkey · 06/10/2019 12:16

She sounds dreadful OP. You need to take back control. As a MIL myself when I visit my DIL and DGS I like to pay for the meals and trips, I see it as my treat and it gives me pleasure to do this. Of course I have a budget so pick things I can afford.

Original poster

Introvertedbuthappy · 06/10/2019 12:17

@poppycity that’s a great idea! Yes, lots of people plan to visit as it’s a real “destination holiday” place.

OP posts:

poppycity · 06/10/2019 12:20

Also I always learned it was good manners when someone is putting you up that you treat them! I don't tend to stay with people for more than 3/4 nights and always take them out for a meal as a thank you. The one time we stayed with family for a week I insisted on contributing to the food shop, paid for a meal out and left a nice thank you card with a treat for the family after we left.

poppycity · 06/10/2019 12:27

@Introvertedbuthappy glad it helped! My cousin quickly realized having her kids schedule/life continually disrupted for visits was just not something that was sustainable. They had school, clubs, homework, bedtimes and it isn't conducive to running a free hotel. By doing it as a mass email with lots of nice comments like we can't wait to see you I think it made sure no fingers were pointed at anyone. She also re-sends the email when people try to book dates, as a reminder of how they've found this helps the visits work for everyone, and she makes sure they have at least 3 weeks between visitors, and that they have their own annual holiday that isn't entertaining people. Their first year in Australia they had something like 7 lots of visitors. She'd have gone mad otherwise. Another thing she found essential was a guest bedroom and loo, maybe if you stay that can be possible down the road for you.

chunn65 · 06/10/2019 12:32

@ charity. Sadly we did. Always on the day of their arrivals or close to so very short notice. He had(he's since passed) a way of getting his way. so if people were going to NZ or Oz ( we were Singapore) he would suggest us for their stop over.

MintyMabel · 06/10/2019 12:43

Is there no point that you would say enough is enough?

The point would be when I couldn’t afford to do it.

If I didn’t want to eat out, I would say so and eat in.

timshelthechoice · 06/10/2019 12:44

FFS, if you cannot tell her to put her hand in her pocket then you either suck it up or stop with the going out and excursions, grow a thicker hide and ignore her sulks and PA bollocks.

She's taking the piss.

'Why aren't we going out?' 'Well, MIL, we can't afford to go out every night.' Don't even go there or she'll pull the 'My flights were expensive and you abandoned me' song and dance. Just tell her you cannot afford to be going out all the time but she's free to go on her own. She sulks you learn to put up with it.

STOP taking her shopping.

SpecialKRocks223 · 06/10/2019 12:46

She is absolutely taking the piss. I'd be furious

MintyMabel · 06/10/2019 12:48

70 is not elderly

But neither is it the first flush of youth. It’s a fallacy to suggest those in their seventies don’t face any challenges brought on by their age. MIL is about to have her second hip replacement. Mum has arthritis in her hands and isn’t quite as mobile as she used to be. Dad has some pretty major vision and hearing issues.

It is beyond pension and retirement age. If 70 isn’t considered elderly, why, as a nation, do we expect (and pay for) people to stop working before they get there?

AnathemaPulsifer · 06/10/2019 12:50

If she brings up visiting again, you can say she'll need to leave it a while as her last visit cost so much and you can't afford it.

^ this!

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 13:18

If she has a six figure pension and has paid off her mortgage, she is a lot better off than you. I don't understand her, I'm pushing seventy and wouldn't dream of not paying my way or not treating my family.

It all seems a bit odd to me.

If you go back 'home' and stay with her, will she pay for every thing while you're there? Maybe that is what she has in mind, a reciprocal arrangement.

woodhill · 06/10/2019 13:22

She may be elderly but she can put her hand in her pocket

fedup21 · 06/10/2019 13:23

If you go back 'home' and stay with her, will she pay for every thing while you're there? Maybe that is what she has in mind, a reciprocal arrangement.

The OP has already said she doesn’t do this and expects them to pay for themselves.

AnnaMagnani · 06/10/2019 13:32

There are loads of good ideas on this thread.

It is reminding me of going out to dinner with my ILs. It would be their idea to go out, they would pick the restaurant, they would order everything expensive, and then when it came to the bill be mystified as to who was paying despite being loaded

DH used to pay until I came along as I can sit in awkward silence for a loooong time.

In terms of excursions, presumably a big part of why she has come to visit is to see her lovely grandchildren so instead of her dreaming up expensive excursion ideas, you could arm yourself with plans for free/cheap and child friendly ideas which will probably be much more enjoyable.

And the chips for the table? 'I don't think anyone ate them last time did they MIL so they were wasted. Cancel that and the sides'

MissLadyM · 06/10/2019 13:35

Oooh what a CF! I'd nip this right in the bud now! Cheeky bitch!

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