Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday?

303 replies

Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 04:34

DH asked ages ago what I'd like to do and for specific pressie ideas for him and others to buy me. Don't normally do anything for my birthdays so I was up for something a bit special and a lovely celebration. Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends.

On my actual bday, it was all a surprise. He took me to a restaurant for lunch with the kids and I fully expected to turn up and find the rest of the family waiting for me....but no, just us. Then he'd booked that night in a hotel for just him and me. Following day, he took me to a pub where all my family were waiting to surprise me. Which was lovely but none of my friends were involved at all. I didn't see any of them and they'd all been asking what I was doing for my birthday - I thought they were in on some surprise but obviously not! It's too late now to organise a get together with friends as they all live all over the country.

Present-wise, he and everybody else bought lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics - ie I asked for some smellies and got given the right brand but the wrong fragrances etc- that kind of thing. And he bought me something really expensive but not at all what I wanted!

I just feel like I should've just organised a party for myself. I'm also wondering if some of my family were a bit disappointed not to have had lunch with me on my actual birthday.

This post sounds incredibly selfish but I just can't help feeling deflated...

OP posts:
RunningNinja79 · 06/10/2019 09:47

I think YANBU too.

You are disappointed. This is a feeling. Feelings are somethings that humans get. I assume you are human so yes you are allowed to have feelings. That includes being disappointed.

Just because someone has it worse doesn't mean you are not allowed to be sad. That's like saying someone has it better so you are not allowed to be happy. So by saying you're not allowed to feel disappointed as others have had it worse is like saying Im not allowed to be happy that I won £3.50 on Euromillions the other night because someone else won more Confused
Anyway hope you and other PPs get the point there.

I too was disappointed with my 40th birthday. I did the family thing with what I wanted, but the friend aspect really didn't go to plan. I wanted a party. I wanted something with friends and lots of alcohol. I got a nice meal out with a few friends, but then they all buggered off home early. I was home for half 10. Its the first time in years I have tried to organise something for my birthday. I remembered why I never bother and have decided that I will never bother again even in 10 years when I reach 50.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/10/2019 09:48

Nobody here knows what was said but we do know he went to a great deal of effort

From the first post:

Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends

lovely gifts but not actually anything I'd asked for despite asking me for specifics

So yes, we know she gave specific ideas and he simply went off and did his own thing.

Either he should have just made it a surprise and not asked, or said "couldn't do friend party because of Y so I've done this instead" which would probably be fine.

Why bother asking someone what they want and then go something completely different which isn't what they wanted?

Cherrysoup · 06/10/2019 09:49

I totally understand why you were deflated. I’m very picky about which fragrances I like and these days, the DH and I link what we want to each other. Much easier. I don’t understand how other pp aren’t getting this.

Saharafordessert · 06/10/2019 09:51

Your DH sounds lovely.

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2019 09:53

It’s not that you’re spoilt. It’s that the person you love asked what you wanted, and then ignored you.

Instead of giving you what you actually want, he gave you what he thinks you should want.

^This.

So I'm not entirely sure why the OP should be grateful. Especially for the second sentence.

Skinnychip · 06/10/2019 10:01

There seems to be a large contingent on MN who think thats incredibly indulgent to even celebrate birthdays let alone want a party for a milestone birthday, and anyone that does want a party/big celebration is spoilt or childish. To be fair they are probably the ones whose drinking habits is a thimbleful of sherry every other christmas and then only if not driving or solely responsible for children under 25

WidowTwonky · 06/10/2019 10:02

C8H10N4O2 but as you wrote (from the OP) Told him I’d like something like lunch with all the family.... That, to me, is not specific.
Something like that was done.
Again OP may have said something like Chanel no 5. Not specific

Just saying we don’t know what was said

Whatsforu · 06/10/2019 10:06

OMG I actually can't believe what I have just read. You are extremely ungrateful and entitled. The pp poster saying dh did what he wanted come on get a grip!!! That was a huge amount of celebration and you are moaning about presents and people not invited. It was your 40th birthday not the royal wedding. Get a grip!!!

GettingABitDesperateNow · 06/10/2019 10:09

Some harsh responses on here. Yes OP be grateful you arent dead, it could be worse!

I think I'd feel a bit miffed, if he asked you, you mentioned friends, and he left them out completely. It's the not listening that is a bit disappointing. Also the presents. Something similar but not what you asked for is also a bit pointless if you dont like it or csnt use it eg a perfume from another brand. I once sent my husband a link to some make up I wanted for xmas as he struggles with presents. He got me a similar one I'd never wear. He returned it in the end, I didnt want him to waste it.

Since he did make an effort however I dont think I would say anything. If this situation ever comes up again you might have to be more specific or organise it yourself. I would also take the opportunity to celebrate with friends separately eg a meal with one , go and visit another, and eke it out over the year! Or organise a weekend away in a city in the middle of you all?

user1497787065 · 06/10/2019 10:20

Grow up. You're not five.

MissSueDenim · 06/10/2019 10:30

It’s not that you’re spoilt. It’s that the person you love asked what you wanted, and then ignored you.

How do we know he ignored her wishes though? Maybe he tried to organise what she wanted but wasn’t able to. For all we know, her friends - who are all over the country - declined & the next day just worked better for her family members. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying the friends couldn’t make it & her family preferred the next day to her actual birthday.

Instead of giving you what you actually want, he gave you what he thinks you should want.

Or he did his best given the circumstances.

What OP actually wanted involved other people; people who have their own lives, schedules, commitments etc. What was her DH meant to do if he literally couldn’t get everyone together?

Now I’m not saying the OP’s DH isn’t to blame because it’s entirely possible that he did completely ignore her wishes, however, considering that he obviously went to a lot effort, surely he’s entitled to the benefit of the doubt until more is known.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 06/10/2019 10:35

OP I can totally understand why you’d be miffed. Why bother asking what you want to do and get, then going ahead and doing something different?

Ignore some of the ridiculous comments. Some people on here think you should be happy with a card and a cup of tea on your birthday. There’s nothing wrong with having better standards for yourself than that 😂

katewhinesalot · 06/10/2019 10:39

You aren't being unreasonable. He set you up to have expectations and then he didn't meet them.

If he hadn't asked then you wouldn't have been disappointed.

WickedLemon · 06/10/2019 10:41

Ah the usual “I’d be grateful if I even got a card” crowd are in Confused.

YANBU to feel disappointed OP. I ended up mostly organising my own 40th party, despite not even wanting a party in the first place and being talked into it by DH who insisted he’d handle it all... if it was up to him there’d have been 100 people, no music and 6 bottles of wine and plate of sausage rolls to share Hmm.

Roussette · 06/10/2019 10:41

I think this thread title says it all.

AIBU to feel spoilt but gutted by my 40th birthday

If you've been spoilt you really can't be gutted.

I have a feeling, OP, you won't be back. Just move on. Arrange a fun do with your friends.

MrsGrindah · 06/10/2019 10:42

If it helps OP my DH once asked what I wanted to do on my birthday. I was very specific..I wanted dinner just us two, in one of 3 particular restaurants in our home city . They were places we’d never been before so I was looking forward to trying any of them. And we would be able to walk there.

So what did he do? Book a table in a restaurant we’d been to before , in a city 20 miles away and invited another couple! We laugh about it now...

SunnyCoco · 06/10/2019 10:46

Yeh but she didn't get a card and a cup of tea did she.

She got a family lunch, a night away with her husband, a celebratory meal with all her extended family, and lots of expensive presents.
I'd be so embarrassed to have this kind of spoilt attitude. Get some perspective OP

purpleme12 · 06/10/2019 10:54

Exactly

Nearlyalmost50 · 06/10/2019 10:54

Told him I'd like something like a lunch with all the family and then drinks/party/celebration with all my friends

This was your mistake. 'Something like' and pushing him to surprise you is just a recipe for disappointment. If you wanted that very specific set of events, it would have been better if you planned together what to do. In fact, you didn't want a surprise at all, you wanted exactly what you wanted which is totally reasonable but then you can't expect a surprise element.

Thinking about it, for our 40th, none of us had friend parties organized by our partners. We all organized our own friend get-togethers. My husband wouldn't know all my friends phone numbers or locations or want to put that together, we did it ourselves. I wouldn't want to organize a big party for him either, I know I'd leave some people out, so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to do what he did- but was unreasonable was not to discuss it between you in an upfront way so you could all make the arrangements between you.

If your friends won't come now, they wouldn't have come for that one night by the way- if location/other things are going to get in the way. It's very hard to co-ordinate lots of 40 somethings with kids for one evening meal- if you think it doable, do it now!

Roomba · 06/10/2019 10:57

Did you clearly state to your DH that you wanted to spend time with friends and family for your birthday> If not I think YABU, sorry.

At least your 40th wasn't like mine - I was pretty skint but booked a really nice meal out for me and my kids as a rare treat. Then contracted Campylobacter the week before and was really really ill for several weeks. I spent my birthday in agony on the sofa as I could barely even stand. My kids were disappointed they wouldn't get to go out for the meal, so I sent them off with my ex and his new wife instead so at least someone could enjoy it!

Blueoasis · 06/10/2019 10:59

Just when you think you have read the doziest comment ever , another one comes along hmm

It's hardly a dozy comment. People on here are proving that despite a man asking what to do and still getting it wrong, a woman should just be pleased he tried.

Are your bars all set that low for your husbands or partners? Do you just expect them to do nothing right, or do nothing at all? Either way it's quite sad. Wonder how many of these women have complained about their partners on here before about how they don't help out enough or care enough. Hmm Guess by your own words you aren't allowed to now because as long as he's alive you should be grateful. Relationships board should be real quiet from now on.

Meirou90 · 06/10/2019 11:02

I can’t believe he got you the wrong fragrances. Leave him immediately.

Skinnychip · 06/10/2019 11:12

So what did he do? Book a table in a restaurant we’d been to before , in a city 20 miles away and invited another couple! We laugh about it now...

This reminds me of when my DH booked for us to go to a folk festival for our anniversary...with 3 of his friends (2 of whom I didnt know) and a work colleague. I don't like folk music, the weather was pants and i was 7 months pregnant at the time! We're still together and I've got used to the idea that he's not all that romantic! 😂

Original poster
Dairymilkfordinner · 06/10/2019 11:13

Just to clear up a few things, in future I'll be sure never to complain about anything and just be grateful to be alive.

Also, no I don't think he's thoughtless/uncaring/an evil bastard - just a bit rubbish at organising.

Thanks for the responses, even the bonkers ones...

OP posts:
Knucklehead101 · 06/10/2019 11:13

I’m really sorry to be harsh but you need to get over yourself and move on. A birthday is just a silly thing really and it’s not like he didn’t put in any effort. Sorry

Swipe left for the next trending thread