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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel I had no say

140 replies

Mumof21989 · 05/10/2019 22:42

Hi everyone. I'm a little bit unsociable when I get invited to weddings of people I'm not close too. I don't like the meal part or getting dressed up as I feel so self conscious in heels and a dress. I just don't feel like me at all

One of my partner's colleagues/friend is getting married in the winter. I have met them around 5 times in the past and we send each others kids birthday gifts... But I've literally not seen them for 3 years and certainly did not expect and invite to the whole wedding... The night do would of been fine, even watching them marry then go back at night but we were put down for the whole day... I was told by my partner we have to go as they have put us down for it all including the meal....

I'm not going to lie I'm feeling trapped and really annoyed we were not allowed to discuss this or look at the invite. We have had an invite now with the menu but months ago it was decided we would be there. Its 10 weeks away now and I feel so anxious about this long day with strangers. I really don't want to eat a three course meal with strangers. I feel like the panic is setting in and I have even thought maybe I should split up with my partner to get out of it. This is ridiculous as we have children but that's how much I don't want to do this. The pressure he has put on me to attend it all is horrible.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to go to the middle part. I really don't feel I belong there I barely know them.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/10/2019 22:48

Told you had to go? Erm no. But you’ve presumably accepted so yes. Now you can’t back out.
They want you there. You’ve said you will go. Find a coping mechanism. But next time say no to DP if you don’t want to go. Before you both reply yes.

RainbowMum11 · 05/10/2019 22:52

There's a reason they want you there, and you won't just be with strangers - you'll be with your husband and know the couple too.
Can you start researching & practicing some coping techniques as this does sound quite extreme anxiety.

lynzpynz · 05/10/2019 22:53

This sounds like you have some form of social anxiety OP. Your lack of self confidence and 'panic', even considering splitting with your partner rather than go all points towards this. Have you spoken to someone about this? There's nothing wrong with not wanting to go to a wedding or get dressed up but this sounds like that's not all that's going on here. Your partner also sounds like they are not really understanding how much this is affecting you, have you had a chat with them about the truth on how you're feeling here?

Hope you're OK xx

Jollitwiglet · 05/10/2019 23:02

If you do go you most certainly don't have to wear heels and a dress. What sort of clothes do you feel comfortable in?

Just because you barely know anyone, it doesn't mean you don't belong. They invited you because they want you there. A lot of people there probably won't know many others and may well be feeling the same as you.

SwanNecking · 06/10/2019 00:24

Oh for goodness sake op it a wedding not a bloody funeral. Get a grip

Original poster
Mumof21989 · 06/10/2019 00:28

Thanks for the replies. I do lack in confidence with these events due to my parents being very routined and not much fun. I was never shown the ropes. I literally can talk to anyone though and have done jobs where I go into people's homes. I've made loads of new mum acquaintances at the school gates. I am not painfully shy or timid but I do struggle in big sociable settings where I'm required to dress up.

My mum has always made comments on my legs etc. Sadly this has made me feel ugly and like I won't look nice in a dress. It's a winter wedding so I can't wear my usual maxi dresses.

I told my partner I felt I would rather go to the night do and watch the marriage and skip the meal.... I said this months ago and he said they had already put us down. So I do blame my oh for not listening to me or discussing it with me first. I never got details or an invite etc before I was told we were invited to the whole day and had to go. I was confused as to why we never got to read the invite and decide

I've not spoken to anyone about how I feel. I am overwhelmed by the whole thing. My children are 1 & 4 and have never slept away from me and I don't think my partner's mum will manage the youngest. He will be unsettled and confused in a strange house overnight. I have no idea what to wear. Plus I'm expected to eat with a table of strangers. So I am feeling anxious. I just wish the meal bit would go away as I'd be able to enjoy the rest x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof21989 · 06/10/2019 00:33

Swan necking ... how ignorant of you. What do you mean its a wedding not a funeral? Are people not allowed to struggle with something that you cope ok with? We are not all the same.

OP posts:
AlunWynsKnee · 06/10/2019 00:33

As long as it's not white, you could wear a maxi dress and flats with a jacket or nice cardigan or bolero.
It does sound like there are issues with your dp that make you anxious and that might be at the root of it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/10/2019 00:34

Wear trousers and flat shoes. Let your partners Mum stay at your house so the children are in familiar surroundings. You eat every day unless you chomp with your mouth open eating with others is no different to eating alone.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 06/10/2019 00:34

I can't wear heels at all now and I avoid the fitted short dresses that are popular not because I don't like my legs but because I'm apple shaped.

Instead I wear swirly long caftan type garments in glorious colours and fabrics Think Judi Dench. And I wear pretty flats underneath. With opaque tights if it's cold.

Might work for you.

AlunWynsKnee · 06/10/2019 00:35

And your mum obviously. That's not right that she criticised you like that.

Chloemol · 06/10/2019 00:41

Sorry but your oh obviously wants to go, it’s not like it’s every weekend. Please just go to support him. It’s only a few hours.

Jenasaurus · 06/10/2019 00:59

I wonder if you could go to the church bit and evening bit but miss out the meal and let your DH go to that alone, If you are dreading it that much, it seems a shame to put yourself through it. If it was my wedding I would hate for a guest to feel like this. Maybe there is someone else your DH could take along that the wedding couple also know from work, you said he was a colleague so wonder if that's an option,

saraclara · 06/10/2019 01:05

To be honest, I find the night thing harder. Don't quite know where to put myself if I don't know people. Approaching random strangers feels odd. Sitting alone feels odd.

If you're sitting at a table with people for a meal, chatting to the person next to you is easier. It's expected, so you don't need to actively approach them, and they expect to talk to you.

AnyMinuteNow · 06/10/2019 01:08

You don't have to go. Excuse yoirselfy for the middle bit and leave your dh to fill in for you both.

Saying no is fine, and will help with your confidence to do it. You will need to be with your 1yr old for that part of the day, so be it.

They will understand, but it really doesn't matter if they don't. Too bad.

I don't like the feel of the pressure you're under. Its feels a bit wrong.

TitsInAbsentia · 06/10/2019 01:19

@SwanNecking yeah that's really helpful when the OP clearly has anxiety issues, why didn't you just scroll on by?

Tonnerre · 06/10/2019 01:20

Why on earth can't you wear a maxi dress in winter?

If you can cope with talking to school mums who are strangers, you can cope at a wedding, particularly given that you will have your partner to support you. Stop worrying about this and go with the flow.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/10/2019 01:23

You can't turn up for the ceremony and evening party but skip the meal, that is extremely rude.

BrylcreamBeret · 06/10/2019 01:26

SwanNecking Do you think you are being too harsh? The op has clarified her feelings for not wanting to go and she has highlighted specifically symptoms of severe anxiety. I don't think she's being dramatic for effect. Have you any idea how it can feel for sufferers of mental illness to be tasked with social occasions? Even if I'm wrong and she doesn't have anxiety issues she is clearly a human being suffering from dreadful stress. Bit of compassion? :)

BrassTactical · 06/10/2019 01:26

You do probably need a little help with this level of anxiety.

But on a practical note just buy a nice trousers suit, totally acceptable at weddings now with smart flat shoes.

StillMedusa · 06/10/2019 01:39

I get it OP. I'm the same. I felt intensely anxious having to dress up and sit with strangers at my own daughter's wedding last year!!! (I live in jeans for work and home, never wear a dress ever..last time before this was my own wedding!) Oddly in daily life I'm quite competent, work in a team, no issues at all... but put me out of my comfort zone and I'm a mess.

But you know what? I survived. Got my younger daughter to choose me a dress and shoes, and in the evening changed into trousers and a top, which made me feel better straight away. The eating was much less scary than I anticipated because actually...none of the focus is on you! Your dh will be there and probably most of the guests will be strangers to each other and light social chit chat will be as much as it takes.

My brother is getting married next year in Italy , with his fiancees huge, rich Italian family. And I'm bloody well wearing trousers and comfy shoes and sod the lot. It's one day.

It's horrible when you have this sort of anxiety but honestly you can do this...and you can't skip bits as it would be rude to the bride and groom. Your children WILL survive one night away (I had to leave my 14 month old for a wedding and was dreading it.., she remembers nothing of course)

Grit your teeth, be pleasant about it...it will be ok!

kateandme · 06/10/2019 01:42

do you have an eating disorder op.this seems to keep coming up the bit about the meal?

Rachelle11 · 06/10/2019 01:44

I would highly suggest you speak with a therapist.

I do feel like for the wedding you are going to have to suck it up and support your dh. You can still wear a maxi dress with a cardigan. Skip the heels. And your dc will be fine. You do seem worried about the food, what makes you nervous about eating in front of others?

Yeahsurewhatever · 06/10/2019 01:52

Pretend you or the kids are sick
Stay home
Let your DH go

Get a therapist
Learn how to say no to things firmly
And how to handle social situations, you know that this anxiety and panic level over a wedding isn't healthy

notangelinajolie · 06/10/2019 01:56

It's just a wedding. It's not like you're having your wisdom teeth out. Your partner will be there to hold your hand - go. It will be ok. And I do understand - I have social anxiety but if you don't fight it, it will win.