I feel I had no say

[Mumof21989]

Hi everyone. I'm a little bit unsociable when I get invited to weddings of people I'm not close too. I don't like the meal part or getting dressed up as I feel so self conscious in heels and a dress. I just don't feel like me at all

One of my partner's colleagues/friend is getting married in the winter. I have met them around 5 times in the past and we send each others kids birthday gifts... But I've literally not seen them for 3 years and certainly did not expect and invite to the whole wedding... The night do would of been fine, even watching them marry then go back at night but we were put down for the whole day... I was told by my partner we have to go as they have put us down for it all including the meal....

I'm not going to lie I'm feeling trapped and really annoyed we were not allowed to discuss this or look at the invite. We have had an invite now with the menu but months ago it was decided we would be there. Its 10 weeks away now and I feel so anxious about this long day with strangers. I really don't want to eat a three course meal with strangers. I feel like the panic is setting in and I have even thought maybe I should split up with my partner to get out of it. This is ridiculous as we have children but that's how much I don't want to do this. The pressure he has put on me to attend it all is horrible.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to go to the middle part. I really don't feel I belong there I barely know them.

Break it down to small pieces.

You're OK with going to the ceremony. And you're OK with going to the evening but where there's music, dancing, but of finger food. But your anxious about eating a dinner.

Why?
What's the worst thing that can happen during that dinner?
If the worst thing happens then what can you do about that/afterwards?

You clearly suffer a lot from anxiety issues if you are considering separating from your husband just so you can avoid a social event. Keep thinking, what is the worst thing that can happen, and then come with a coping strategy.

So, at the meal you're sitting beside someone you don't know. They start making small talk. "How do you know Jim and Jane?" etc. "Have you kids?". That sort of thing. Most people are nice, and a bit awkward in situations with "strangers" too.

You need to find ways to cope with every day "normal" situations. If you don't, and if you avoid social settings and "fun" then you will continue the cycle your parents have started and your children may well suffer the same in thrir adulthood.

What's the worst that can happen? If the worst happens, what can you do to manage that? (The worst never happens!)

Yeah you should have spoken to a therapist ages ago to address this. Yabu.

You are considering breaking up with your partner because you are nervous about what to wear, and sitting next to people you don't know at a meal
And you don't think that's extreme?

Honestly I sympathize, social anxiety feels very real and very scary.
But you need to have a good hard, objective look at your reaction here and think if you may benefit from a little therapy perhaps.

Your attitude to the meal IS extreme. It really isn’t usual to fret about sitting at a table with other people eating a meal. I agree you could maybe do with some professional help with your anxieties x

As for the clothes, I’m assuming it’s near Christmas? I’d wear a pair of nice trousers and a sparkly top. That’ll be perfectly fine. Oh and a pair of flats. I hate heels as well.

Op is there a reason it needs to be a dress? Not trousers and flat shoes or a long skirt and smart boots?

And have you seen a doctor about your anxiety? He or she can prescribe you a beta blocker to get you through the meal.

I understand how you are feeling. I had a lot of similar thoughts about my OWN wedding. First step - talk to your partner. Show him the post you have written. He needs to know how unhappy you are and how much this is affecting you.
And to most of the reply-ers on here a 'nice trouser suit' and 'it's just one day' is terrible advice. OP - you DON'T have to go but DO talk to your partner about it.

She doesn't have to go, no. But her reasons for not going can be overcome. Avoidance isn't the way forward here. If she continues to avoid "normal" social situations then nothing will change for her. And may indeed be passed on to her children.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. You will wake up the next morning and realise the world is still turning, and nobody who was at the wedding is giving you second thought!

OP My parents never took me out for meals when I was a child either. They never took me anywhere really, we probably left our hometown once a year, and that was to go to a city 7 miles away. It might as well have been Mars to my childhood brain! My world was very small and limited. The first time I ate out in a restaurant I was probably like a feral animal, just because I didn't know and had never been shown how to behave. But now I am an adult, and it's my responsibility to teach myself things, and give myself experiences in life.

You can't get better at something by avoiding it. You couldn't get better at swimming by practicing on land, or learn how to ride a bike without actually having a bike. Dealing with social events is the same. You won't suddenly become confident about eating a meal at a wedding if you don't practice and force yourself out of your (dis)comfort zone.

Social anxiety is horrible but there are tips and tricks you can learn that will get you through, then you can get the most out of life and won't be sent into a tailspin by an invitation.

You can get online therapy, or phone therapy as a previous poster has recommended. There are over the counter things you can take for anxiety (Kalms, Valerian) or you can get beta blockers from the doctor. Please don't let this anxiety and the cruelty you experienced as a child hold you back. You only have one life, you owe it to yourself to have the best and richest life you can.

Weirdly enough I find the meal bit ok, it’s evening dos I find harder as there’s no structure and it’s more obvious if you’re not talking to people. At the meal it’s sort of laid out what to do and you’ll probably be next to your DH, then whoever else you are next to will be in the same boat as you and will want to make polite conversation.

Then you don’t have to stay into the evening. Lots of day time guests will leave after the meal/speeches as it can be such a long day.

Jumpsuit, jacket and flats for the outfit.
Can you practice eating out a few times (twice a week ideally) until the wedding.
If you have genuine social anxiety then get a couple of therapy session a week until the wedding.

In the past I've hated going to weddings with my ex-partner as he would always ignore me, get drunk, then start a fight or expect he to have sex with him in the loos because he saw some bloke check me out. I was definitely a wedding avoider!

Now I've ditched the twat I enjoy weddings a lot more!

Good luck op.

you DON'T have to go but DO talk to your partner about it.

This is true but avoidance may well not be a helpful way to manage your mental health issues.
Have you received therapeutic support for your anxiety?

Its a shame your DH told the bride and groom not to invite the children, as this would have been a nice thing for you to expose them to. It would have probably given you some satisfaction to know that you were giving them another little bit of social experience, and doing a better job of parenting than your mother did to you.

I would just say that you cant blame her for ever, though. My parents never took us to stay in hotels when i was a child. I learned to stay in hotels when i was an adult. Its intimidating, but you get used to it. Admittedly, i do not have terrible social anxiety, but sometimes it does help to expose yourself to something you fear.

The problem is, OP, that by not going, you reinforce your anxiety and weddings become something that you "can't" do.

You are being extreme and you really will pass this onto your children. Irrespective of the cause of your anxiety, a poor childhood or whatever, it's now your choice as an adult to decide how you go forward.

Are you going to blame the anxiety for stopping you doing things, thereby not setting the example you want to your children? Or are you going to decide to learn how to overcome your worries, so that you can teach your children how to do this too?

I can really recommend a book called Mind Over Mood. It is a CBT workbook to go through for people who struggle to access counselling. It can help you gradually work through your anxieties.

You REALLY need to access help OP. Good luck

Didn't read whole thread, but OP, if you don't want to go then don't go. Life is too short, I doubt the couple whose wedding it is would want you to be uncomfortable. If it were me I'd hate for a guest to be there reluctantly, and if it wasn't a close friend I wouldn't really care if they withdrew an acceptance of the invite. If you don't want to go to the meal then don't go to the meal, just make something up. Life really is too short to make yourself miserable for nothing.