I feel I had no say

[Mumof21989]

Hi everyone. I'm a little bit unsociable when I get invited to weddings of people I'm not close too. I don't like the meal part or getting dressed up as I feel so self conscious in heels and a dress. I just don't feel like me at all

One of my partner's colleagues/friend is getting married in the winter. I have met them around 5 times in the past and we send each others kids birthday gifts... But I've literally not seen them for 3 years and certainly did not expect and invite to the whole wedding... The night do would of been fine, even watching them marry then go back at night but we were put down for the whole day... I was told by my partner we have to go as they have put us down for it all including the meal....

I'm not going to lie I'm feeling trapped and really annoyed we were not allowed to discuss this or look at the invite. We have had an invite now with the menu but months ago it was decided we would be there. Its 10 weeks away now and I feel so anxious about this long day with strangers. I really don't want to eat a three course meal with strangers. I feel like the panic is setting in and I have even thought maybe I should split up with my partner to get out of it. This is ridiculous as we have children but that's how much I don't want to do this. The pressure he has put on me to attend it all is horrible.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to go to the middle part. I really don't feel I belong there I barely know them.

I'd agree now that you leave after the meal and don't attend the evening. Give yourself an escape. Weddings are long days if you don't know anyone except your other half and the couple getting wed. I generally now leave the evening do as soon as possible (Pity you can't upfront decline those but attend the ceremony and wedding)
I sat to people I have a cold and can't eat sometimes to avoid meals I don't like in public. Wedding food is generally small so your partner can eat your share anyway. Abd you take his pudding.

Buy nice trousers or something long and a bit floaty and some flats. Have your hair, makeup and nails done.

Eat or don't eat (have some snacks in a great handbag just in case you feel the need to have something). Ask somebody a question about themselves over the meal if you're panicking over what fork to use. Lay off the booze though, as if you're anxious and not eating, it's too easy to have too much.

Your Nan has coped with at least one child and even if a toddler were to be a bit much for her, she's enlisted somebody else to help.

Most children are perfectly capable of sleeping, albeit a bit later than usual, in new places - yours have been brought up to be secure, so are more likely to adapt than children who have never been sure who is going to be around/are passed from pillar to post and are constantly insecure.

Your mother was a bitch. Fuck it. Don't let her ruin your life. Don't give her the satisfaction. Give yourself the satisfaction of doing it.

If you can do 'mingling', you can do the rest.

Are you married? As a SAHM I hope you have your legal protections sorted.

There are things such as babysitting agencies or school gate Mums who would take on your "lively" DS so you could attend a medical appointment - which a therapist would be. If you can't do Face to Face there are online and telephone options. Start by talking to your GP.
It sounds as if your parents/mother did a job on you and you have huge issues from them.

And I don't like your DP "telling" you to do something - but it is possible that it was borne out of frustration.

FWIW I've worn nice trousers and a blouse to a wedding before. Absolutely fine to do so - and I never wear heels.

Op you have turned this invite into something awful that everyone has done to you and actual making it as if they are in the wrong when its absolutely not the case.

A size 12 is nothing! I have chubby calves and can sympathise, but long skirts and trousers are in fashion now. How about a jumpsuit?

Spend some time choosing a nice outfit, and you know you’ll be fine when you get there. Your OH would be proud. Think also of the example you send to your kids. What would you say if one of them wanted to drop out?

Whatever you decide to do about the wedding, I urge you to go and get a referral for counselling from your GP. Childcare can be worked out -- some places offer free childcare or creche support; there are lots of women with both mental health issues and childcare responsibilities.

It's fine to wear a long dress or trousers, and flat shoes, to any social occasion. You can wear trousers to Buckingham Palace, I promise you.

That sounds a really tough level of anxiety to cope with. I'd consider being ill. But, if you do decide to go a few things that might help are: thinking some conversations up in advance. So theres the ' how do you know the bride and groom', holidays, hobbies, tv shows and so on; remembering a lot of other people will have varying degrees of anxiety too - i udes to think it was just me; wearing something you have worn before and like - people really are looking at the bride. I wear the same thing to lots of functions and noone notices or cares. It means im not stressed about what i look like. I used to not go out do to anxiety about clothes and this helped.

Honestly, if wearing something you are comfortable in will help you cope with the wedding then go ahead and wear that.
The last wedding I went to, proper Church do etc, I was surprised, but also pleased, that people were wearing less ‘conventional’ wedding outfits. One lady was even carrying a handbag in the shape of a chicken! Perhaps that was a step too far, but hope that helps explain what I’m getting at.
Good luck.

I understand your anxiety about going, i hate attending events where i barely know anyone. I find it difficult and awkward and just hate the feeling. However, you have met them you say about 5 times and they have invited you to join them in celebrating a huge event in their life. Im sure you wont be the only one feeling similar.

You dont have to wear a dress and heels, there are some lovely trousers you could wear with a sparkly top and pretty flats or even ankle boots. Or if you did want a dress why not a long one then you wont be self conscious of your legs, again you dont have to wear heels as in 6 inch stilettos, what about just a kitten heel or court shoe?

Go and make the best of the day and try to look for positives x

OP please go to the meal, follow your husbands lead on how to act or another woman on the table if that feels more comfortable.
How about something like this? Long midi dresses are so in, as are jumpsuits so you could find something you are comfortable in I’m sure. If you want to wear heels great, if not ankle boots would look nice www.isawitfirst.com/products/leopard-print-3-4-sleeve-midi-dress-black-jla004157?variant=30312617082998

Some of this makes no sense
Why wouldn't you be able to wear a maxi dress in winter?
Why are you stressed about leaving your youngest but it would be OK if you just went to the evening do - would you get back earlier?

Wow OP that’s a really strong reaction to a wedding invite!

I’m the opposite of you, I love being invited to these things but get there and realise I’m crap at making small talk and I’ve got nothing to say to anyone so end up standing around looking awkward!

If you really don’t want to go tell them now so they’ve got a chance to cancel your meal or invite someone else.

If you really can’t do that then get a ‘tummy bug’ the day before, but seriously, look into getting some help. Sometimes forcing yourself to do something that makes you uncomfortable makes you realise there was nothing to worry about in the first place.

In fairness I'd be irritated at being told I was going. It sounds like your partner doesn't know how the concept of an invitation works

Sorry OP, but this is your issue and no-one else's. You will have your partner there for back up, so it's not like you're alone. What about hiring a personal shopper to help you find an outfit you'll like?

I feel for your partner. I am sure there are events on your side that he would rather not attend but he does so because you have to make compromises in a relationship.

Don't go. I bloody hate weddings. I don't drink and find small talk excruciating. I don't have social anxiety either.

I used to attend so many events that would cringe me into the next dimension just because I felt like I had to. I snapped when I hit 30. I now refuse to attend hen dos, christenings, baby showers, Holy communion parties, pretty much anything unless 75% of the people going are my own friends and family. Fuck it OP. Just don't go x

I’m the same op with big social situations. Just pretend you’re enjoying it. Smiling is the secret. Stay with people you know. Count the hours when it’ll all be over.

Op I think you’ve been given a really hard time on this thread by many people - if you have anxiety then you have it and it’s horrible - not only during the event but in the run up too - and 10 weeks left (plus however long you have had already) is a long time to know that you are going to be anxious for.

Plus it sounds like you have several different worries - including your dc not being at home now - that are going to compound the problem...

People telling you to pull yourself together and go (or words to that effect) are being cruel and showing their ignorance. If you had a broken leg they wouldn’t tell you to tie a bandage around it to keep it all together and to just ignore it and walk around to get on with things. Anxiety is just as real and can be just as crippling plus there’s no mental equivalent of a wheelchair to help with some aspects of the problem. CBT and counselling can be great but can take time and are more like physio than being able to provide an emotional crutch in the moment you need it.

There are some great tips on here so hopefully something will help. Remember to have back up plans and escape plans too - the headache can turn into a migraine if you want to lie down in your room and leave dh at the event - or can get better if you find you are enjoying it for example.

The only other thing I’d add is that maxi dresses look great in the winter! The only thing I’d do is make sure they are not ground-sweepingly long. In the summer they just get a little dusty. In the winter if it’s a bad day they will soak up the rain and catch the snow... and you really really do not want to spend the day with icy cold wet fabric pulling your dress down and swirling around your ankles! ( it’s giving me the shivers just thinking about it!). So, make sure you get a ‘not quite maxi’ so you don’t end up with soggy freezing ankles!

Find a comfortable outfit that makes you feel fabulous, choose something comfortable and preferably. a simple outfit you can wear again, use pretty accessories.
Think about a jumpsuit, look at the one Meghan mArkle wore last week, maybe wear flat shoes or ankle boots.
Try not to get too anxious, chat to other guests about their children and families and ask how they know the bride and groom.
You can do this.

I also don't like weddings (political reasons rather than social anxiety)
Op - if you feel you really have to go, then you're going to have to take a big breath and crack on with it. Wear something you feel comfortable in; you can always dress it up with accessories. I am hardly ever out of trousers - they're fine.
Re the meal - do you go out to eat at all? Is it the 3 courses, or the knives and forks that bother you? Can you identify what the issue is, because you are more likely to overcome it, if so.
If you find it easy to talk to people, as you say, then ask a lot of questions and let the other people do the talking.

OP what is it you are actually worried about at the meal? Is it not being able to keep up with the conversation (rarely dazzling at a wedding...) or the table ettiquette (there are websites with advice) or what to wear?

If you can pin it down to something specific you might find it easier to address the small points which worry you.

Your 1yr old will be find with his Aunt and DGP.

You plainly do have good social skills or you wouldn't have made friends at the school gate and amongst clients.

There is absolutely no need to wear a dress and high heels to a wedding. I stopped being arsed with heels years ago, including for weddings.

If you can work through the specific points and build the confidence then it might help you to go.

Thank you for all your replies. As I originally said I would of been happy doing all of it apart from the meal. If my partner had listened to me then I could of got him to say I'll have the kids in the afternoon but join them at night. I'd of even gone to the church. The kids were invited to it originally but my partner felt a day with us together would be nice. I agree but again if we had chatted about it the children could of come to the wedding but then we could of gone home and gone back in the evening child free. I understand lots of points like pushing through it etc. I do try and support my partner when he needs me. Me going to the majority of it would of been me getting through the day and being 'brave' and I would of almost been looking forward to it in some ways. It is silly to people who love eating out and will sit and eat without a second thought. I feel so nervous doing that with strangers. I don't know why but it is how my brain works. I'm not trying to put the blame on everyone else but it is true I was no exposed young which has affected me as an adult. I had to learn to do basics when my friends had been doing it from being kids. I have come along way with my confidence.

Somebody wrote a comment about me being miserable and sitting there not talking. The comment seems to be gone but I so not that way at all. I have done palliative care work. I have helped many families going through hard times. I have done other jobs working along side people. I always say hello and smile at everyone who walks past me in the street. I am actually really chatty and would never sit with a miserable face.

I was not sure about the maxi dresses as I presumed it was tights in winter. I am Picturing snow etc and it does not make me think bare legs. I have been looking at dresses online.

Going out for me is absolutely alien as I don't have child care etc. I would not get a babysitter for the kids as I'm abit protective like that whilst they are so little. Maybe as they get older I would look into it. I know I have some issues. In many ways I cope fine and as I've said I like people. I love talking to people. My daughter started school in September and I've already made a couple of lovely friends who I walk with everyday.

Thanks again for the replies. There is quite a mixture of responses and I've taken advice from all of you. The odd one is a little bit harsh but it is not easy for an outgoing person to understand. One day I hope I can conquer this fear. Thanks again for all your replies.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted You sound a bit ridiculous - breaking up with partner over it.....really????? Suck it up and wear nice trousers and a top. I can imagine you sitting at the table with a face like a slapped arse all day
You clearly don't understand what severe social anxiety is like as yes you would do anything to get out of a situation you feel unable to cope with. It builds up and up in your mind until you think irrationally. She's not just being difficult, anxiety is dreadful and it's not something you can just 'suck up'.
In all honesty OP in this situation I wouldn't go. If it was a family/close friend's wedding I would encourage you to go but I wouldn't attend a wedding of people I barely spent time with and where I didn't know anyone else. I have anxiety and I do enjoy spending time with friends/family but I don't force myself to do anything I don't want to anymore and I'm so much happier for it. However if you're not happy or it's affecting your children's lives, eg they are missing out on things because of your anxiety, then you should seek help in finding coping mechanisms. But ignore the comments telling you to get a grip/suck it up.