I feel I had no say

[Mumof21989]

Hi everyone. I'm a little bit unsociable when I get invited to weddings of people I'm not close too. I don't like the meal part or getting dressed up as I feel so self conscious in heels and a dress. I just don't feel like me at all

One of my partner's colleagues/friend is getting married in the winter. I have met them around 5 times in the past and we send each others kids birthday gifts... But I've literally not seen them for 3 years and certainly did not expect and invite to the whole wedding... The night do would of been fine, even watching them marry then go back at night but we were put down for the whole day... I was told by my partner we have to go as they have put us down for it all including the meal....

I'm not going to lie I'm feeling trapped and really annoyed we were not allowed to discuss this or look at the invite. We have had an invite now with the menu but months ago it was decided we would be there. Its 10 weeks away now and I feel so anxious about this long day with strangers. I really don't want to eat a three course meal with strangers. I feel like the panic is setting in and I have even thought maybe I should split up with my partner to get out of it. This is ridiculous as we have children but that's how much I don't want to do this. The pressure he has put on me to attend it all is horrible.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to go to the middle part. I really don't feel I belong there I barely know them.

Hi OP. Do you think you maybe have eating anxiety at all? Where you find it very hard to eat in front of strangers to the point your hand will literally shake as you lift the fork to your mouth? And this happens with drinks as well?

How about boots and a smart calf length dress for the day. Then a flaty maxi for the night?

Wear trousers and a top with some awesome shoes.

Floaty maxi

It seems strange that as someone with such extreme anxiety about such things, your husband has made all these decisions without you?

Are you having counselling?

The dress and heels seem an unnecessary worry. Wear trousers and flat shoes.

HAVE!!!

I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm confident on a one to one and look like I have my life sorted,but socially I have terrible anxiety where I've had to really push myself.
My last bf was very social and was always been invited to weddings. We went to one which I had been dreading for weeks and I remember being so scared,like a deep fear. I got through it by drinking a few wines ( I rarely drink) and putting on a smile.
There were so many social things in his diary,like a new year ball,his friends birthday,something every month that we just weren't compatible.
I decided after that I just wouldn't put myself in these situations,unless I really have to. I do understand op and all I can say is just be kind to yourself and you're not alone

OP...do you understand how weddings work?

Nobody gets 'put down' for one! Here is how it goes, in steps.

1. The bride and groom make a list of who they would like to invite. They are quite aware that several (sometimes many!!) of the people on the list will not be able to attend, so have a 'back-up list' or a B-list).

1. They send out invitations.

1. YOU receive the invitation.

1. YOU decide whether you wish to attend OR NOT.

1. YOU send back your RSVP either accepting OR declining the invitation.

1. The bride and groom collate the RSVPs and sort out the accepts/declines.

1. They then add more from their B-list if necessary!

NOBODY gets 'put down' for a wedding!!!! At some point you accepted and RSVP'd an invitation!!

You can STILL decline it!!

Or wear trousers!

I am aware I am not being a good partner and putting him in a horrible place.

Sorry but NO.
Your partner chose to live with you, have children with you KNOWING THE ISSUE YOU HAVE. It’s not something you have sprung upon him wo telling him before.
He, however, has clearly chosen NOT to listen to you when you said the whole day was too much.
You said before that your issue lied with him and I agree with that. He is the one who let you down massively.

So please stop feeling that you have to make everyone happy and if something doesn’t go quite right, it’s somehow your fault for not being ‘good enough’ or ‘perfect enough’.

As for the wedding, I would suggest he goes to the whole thing in his own and you chose the bits you are going to. Somehow, not going to the wedding will probably be less noticeable than the meal. Same with the evening meal. Just chose what you can/want to do and do that. Your DP can go to it all.

And have a chat about respecting your boundaries. He said YES to the whole day to his friends wo checking with you and that’s not acceptable. He is not entitled to decide for you what you want to or will do.

Thank you. It is hard. I know it's not ideal but then I know that nobody is confident in all situations. I've worked so hard on myself the last 4 years. We've been on holiday 3 times and I'm exposing my kids to lots of things so they hopefully do not end up like me. If it was a close family member etc then I would've gone to it all. I think it is just the not feeling part of it and feeling abit like an awkward spare part. I don't think I have a huge eating anxiety thing. But yeah with strangers I feel very aware of myself and how I hold my knife and fork etc. I also feel wobbly lifting my glass to my mouth etc. It's so silly as in the pub with friends I enjoy my food.

@northernknickers, nope, the OP didn’t decide to go the wedding and rsvp YES.
HER DP DID. And wo consulting her/taking her POV into account.
That’s where the issue is.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this OP. I have anxiety, and have had anxiety over similar issues in the past (thankfully that side is mostly fine now). What you're experiencing isn't "normal", for want of a better expression. I don't mean that in a horrible way, just that it is your anxiety causing it, and it is having a huge effect on how you live your life. Please please look into some sort of therapy. I know you say you wouldn't be able to find childcare, but a lot of places have evening appointments etc, so it is worth at least speaking to your GP, or looking if you can self refer for your area, and at least find out what is available. In the mean time, I have found this book an absolute godsend for dealing with my anxiety Dare Techique and would really recommend it as something to read, if you can't access therapy yet. I hope things work out in terms of the wedding, but please do look in to getting some support for your anxiety. It's such a horrible thing to live with.

I agree my partner should of chatted to me properly. The invite arrived with a menu months after me being told we were down for it all. I did tell him last night that I'm upset I wasn't allowed to make a choice and now I look stupid if I pull back and leave you alone there. I told him I could of watched them marry then come back at night. I also explained that normally people discuss these things when the invite arrives. I have told him that I dont feel I need to be part of that bit but I understand he wants to do it all as they work together. He's kind of said he's sorry and what solution can I come up with. The trouble is the solution that does not make me look rude, weird etc was to say months ago I'll get someone to watch the kids in the evening and come at night or bring the kids to the service. I'm not sure how he can tell them now without me looking silly.

If you don't go then you are only going to continue the cycle your parents started with you - you said yourself that they didn't "show you ropes" and your lack of confidence stems from how they were when you were as a child

Go and show them what it is to be confidant around others - since you've said you are that with your own friends and at work and have fun and break the cycle

After your update I would just get your partner to tell them you’ve had problems with childcare so he’ll go to the whole thing and you’ll just come to the evening do. I think it’s early enough for them to get someone to come in your place or cancel a place, so they shouldn’t mind. Just don’t leave it much later.

@HeyNotInMyName I was commenting on the OP's continued use of the phrase 'put down for the wedding'. And explaining the 'process' of receiving/accepting/declining an invitation. Nobody gets 'put down' randomly for a wedding! At some point, an invitation was accepted by the OP as far as the bride and groom are aware. She hasn't been 'put down' for the wedding!! She can still decline it...as I said. She's an autonomous person for heaven's sake!

If this is such a huge ordeal, decline...no need to get so anxious over declining an invitation. Just send a message now, sooner rather than later, to apologise for the mix-up saying you will not, after all, be attending. No need to explain why or make up elaborate lies about childcare or illness...to do that on the day would be awful and cost the bride and groom money!

The bigger issue is the partner who rides roughshod over her feelings...but I suspect that's an entirely different thread 🤷‍♀️

Can you speak to your GP about your anxiety? Beta blockers for example can really help in anxiety provoking situations such as this and some therapy could also be helpful to teach coping techniques. You may find that you can learn to enjoy these occasions if you have the right tools.

NOBODY gets 'put down' for a wedding!!!! At some point you accepted and RSVP'd an invitation!!

OP's partner RSVP'd on behalf of both of them without consulting her. That's why she's upset with him. It's all very well saying 'just decline' but since OP's partner has already accepted the invitation and her meal may already have been paid for, I can see why OP might find it a bit awkward having to contact the B&G (who she barely knows) to say "actually it turns out I can't come after all, sorry".

Hi OP. I really struggle with all day events too but there is some useful advice on here.

Definitely wear something you feel comfortable in. Nip to the loo/outside for a breather or break after the ceremony and before the meal. Think of some small talk topics- weddings, children, holidays, the weather, how they know the couple. Start the questions so others do most of the talking.
Be honest with your partner, you're going to go but worried. Ask for his help carrying the conversation.

Longer term some counselling might help you but you are not alone. Lots of people feel the same way.

OP, I totally sympathise. I refuse all wedding invites, including for family ones.
I only attended my own (me, DH, 2 witnesses, no meal or reception) with great reluctance!
I think you need help with your boundaries, and some assertiveness training. I’d tell your DH he had no right to accept this invite without consulting you.
And that you will not be going.
And that it’s up to him to tell the groom, and give whatever explanation he likes - the problem is not of your making and you damn well don’t have to solve it for him.
Maybe next time, DH will learn to actually consult you and respect your wishes and needs.

You definitely need time for you OP and some cbt to help you, you could talk to your gp and get your partner on board too, he needs to support you and find childcare so you can attend. Your mum, well it's not surprising that having your dd highlighted every way your parents did things which affected you badly. That's pretty common.

Maxi dresses are a win even in winter, otherwise my friend and i brought these for a winter wedding. There's a few good ones on ebay.

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Women-Elegant-Party-Dress-Bridesmaid-Formal-Evening-Gown-Chiffon-Long-Prom-Maxi/264469754736?var=564151587016&_trkparms=ispr%3D1&hash=item3d93a03370:g:hDYAAOSwfVJdgcOC

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/WOMEN-BOHO-FLORAL-MAXI-DRESS-LADIES-SUMMER-LONG-EVENING-PARTY-COCKTAIL-DRESSES/264394749258?var=564049735862&_trkparms=ispr%3D1&hash=item3d8f27b54a:g:lbgAAOSw2SxdO6s8

Please don't fake a bug the day before. It gets suggested so easily but it's very unfair on those who've invited and paid for it.

Do what you suggested OP.

Take your dc to the wedding service and then leave.

They are far better off seeing you doing things you are feeling confident with and with get positive learning from that and enjoy the social exchanges.

There's no benefit to them seeing you struggle.

Noone else needs to know. Just tell your OH thats hes got to explain his way out of this, as he dropped you in it,and 'pit you down for it' without reference to you.

He can tell them you'll be taking the kids home and have plans with them for the afternoon, thrn will join the wedding party in the evening.

Yes, its good to push yourself, but not too far, baby steps. You'll get there, and I dont see it as a massive social issue if you don't want to go to virtual strangers formal sit down meals.

You already do well in terms of exposing your dc to good social experience.

If you have just had the menu arrived, that's the invite to rsvp yes or no to. Anything else is a provisional saving the date. So you can still decline.

Thats your OH job now to excuse you from the wedding breakfast