I feel I had no say

[Mumof21989]

Hi everyone. I'm a little bit unsociable when I get invited to weddings of people I'm not close too. I don't like the meal part or getting dressed up as I feel so self conscious in heels and a dress. I just don't feel like me at all

One of my partner's colleagues/friend is getting married in the winter. I have met them around 5 times in the past and we send each others kids birthday gifts... But I've literally not seen them for 3 years and certainly did not expect and invite to the whole wedding... The night do would of been fine, even watching them marry then go back at night but we were put down for the whole day... I was told by my partner we have to go as they have put us down for it all including the meal....

I'm not going to lie I'm feeling trapped and really annoyed we were not allowed to discuss this or look at the invite. We have had an invite now with the menu but months ago it was decided we would be there. Its 10 weeks away now and I feel so anxious about this long day with strangers. I really don't want to eat a three course meal with strangers. I feel like the panic is setting in and I have even thought maybe I should split up with my partner to get out of it. This is ridiculous as we have children but that's how much I don't want to do this. The pressure he has put on me to attend it all is horrible.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to go to the middle part. I really don't feel I belong there I barely know them.

OP, I think you need to stop blaming your parents for not exposing you to meals out as a child. It’s great that you’re trying not to pass on your own fears to your children, but take responsibility for your own actions.

All your DP needs to do is to say you have childcare issues for the daytime but you can come in the evening. You never know you might be doing them a favour and they can ask someone else on their list! It’s not too late to do this.

Regarding what to wear - now about some dressy wide legged trousers and a dressy top? Lots on line. Have a look at JD Williams for some ideas. Not too expensive. Or Debenhams. Or Monsoon have some nice dressy stuff.

You sound a bit ridiculous - breaking up with partner over it.....really????? Sounds like if it was your friends/family you'd be fine going but because it's your partners friend you are going over the top

^ Christ there are some dim people on this thread. Do people have no ability to imagine other people’s difficulties?

You’ve got a few weeks OP so you could look at Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which has a good success rate for anxiety problems. If IESO operates in your area then you can self refer and do a short online course which might help or look on the CBT register for a BABCP accredited practitioner. There are also CBT based books on SA - have a look at the ones in the “Overcoming” series. Starting to address how you’re maintaining your anxiety will be such a useful exercise regardless of the wedding.

Instead I wear swirly long caftan type garments in glorious colours and fabrics

Something like that would look lovely and be comfortable.

Wow, there are a lot of different aspects to this OP.

1. I had a mother like yours. Therapy should help you come to terms with the fact you were not mothered properly and that this is not your fault at all.

1. Your DH has behaved abominably here. He has steamrollered you into a situation he knew you would hate. He even caused additional problems by refusing the invitation extended to your DC which would have made it all easier for you. He comes across as a bully.

1. People will not be judging you on which cutlery you use/how you eat. They will be full of their own anxieties and issues. Remind yourself that we would not worry half so much about what others think of us if we knew how seldom they do.

1. Wear a trouser suit. Perfectly acceptable.

1. If you don't have adequate childcare for the wedding then you cannot go. This is down to DH.

1. You seem very concerned about looking silly if you don't go. It is DH fault, not yours. And really, these people are not important to you are they so you don't need to worry about what they think.

I don't feel comfortable at stuff like this either. You don't have to wear a dress, I've nearly always worn trousers to weddings and maybe not as dressed up as some people but I feel more comfortable and have never felt like it was inappropriate.

Well, some harsh words, but a kernel of truth perhaps.

You know of course that this level of anxiety is just not normal and thinking of leaving your husband to get out of the invite is just ridiculous.
You say you might get help in the future - I suggest that you need to look into getting help right now. You do have a form of eating disorder from the way you describe it, being unable to eat in front of strangers is not usual, and is impacting on your social interaction .
Your husband is getting a bit of a hard time as well, you say that you haven't really spoken to him about how you feel until now, he can't help you or know what to do unless you tell him!
Please don't let this creep into over protectiveness with your children , you know from the way your parents behaved that this can have long term consequences.
As a pp said , the previous invite was more of a save the day, use the arrival of the menus as opportunity to duck out of the meal, but go at night, try and have fun.
Good luck, hopefully some therapy will help and you won't find yourself in this position again

I don’t think your DP was wrong to accept the invite, it’s entirely normal to be excited about a friend’s wedding and to be honoured to be invited to the whole thing. I feel bad that this joy is being taken away from him, he probably thought you’d be fine since you are capable of going to the pub, hold down a job in the past and go to family events. From his POV, it probably does seem that you can’t muster it together for him and he’s probably upset this has taken some of the fun out of this.

On the other hand, your reaction is extreme and you need to seek therapy. You cannot continue to blame your parents for how you are now, you also need to take responsibility for yourself and at least try to get help. While I sympathise because of how upset you seem to be, your posts come across as a long list of excuses.

You may or may not feel better by the time of the wedding so maybe it would be best if you do what previous posters have said - give childcare as an excuse and only go to the meal.

The end bit was meant to say only go to the evening , skip the meal

I did cbt for anxiety about eating out a few years ago. Lots of focusing on other stuff when I got anxious and also lots of eating out, pushing outside comfort zone each time. So dinner at Pizza Hut was fine but posh lunch in a stuffy formal quiet place like clariridges would set me off.
My local gp organised it, iapt I think it was, and you self referred, I did it over the phone. Seems such a silly anxiety but it puts you off attending weddings or formal work dinners so does affect you

It's an invitation so you can decline as long as your partner doesn't mind going on his own. Your feelings are very extreme but non the less valid.
I don't really like parties of any kind. Prefer small dinner type of gathering.
Don't go just say you are struggling with child care or something.
I know it's an honour to be invited but I really don't enjoy going at all.
I find it very long and boring.

Wow I really don't feel I am being extreme. I am happy to watch them get Married and go to the night do. I just feel nervous and uncomfortable about the meal as I do not know anybody and you get placed on a table to eat a 3 course meal with them. I don't 100% blame my parents but it has played a huge part in my confidence as an adult. We never had holidays, birthday parties, meals out etc. My mum never took me to the cinema or shopping out of town. It was not a money thing it was because my parents didn't want to do those things. My mum has said she never wanted too... So whilst you think it's an excuse it really isn't. I started pushing myself and now in most cases I'm fine. I have no intention of passing this onto my kids. My daughter has been out to eat at hotels , pubs, garden centers etc for meals. I have exposed her to several things.

As for this wedding I have said I will go to a huge chunk of it. If it was someone I knew well then I'd go through all of it and be sat with people I know. I have suggested going to the wedding with the kids then home after then just us going to the night but on our own. My partner said he wants to go to all of it.... Hopefully I won't be in this position again anytime soon. Thanks for all your responses.

Wow I really don't feel I am being extreme.

You really, really are. And I agree with a pp that you need to let go of what your parents did and didn't do when you were a child. My parents never took us out for meals ever, or on holiday, or to the cinema, both because they were poor and because they themselves came from very deprived backgrounds where these things weren't done. Neither had any friends, and we had no one to model normal human interactions. My mother didn't even grow up with an outside loo you just did your business somewhere in the vicinity of the house so she didn't teach us the most elementary toilet hygiene as children. I had to pick that kind of thing, and table manners, up from my peers.

But I am an adult. I'm responsible for how I deal with the things that happened to me in my childhood.

Your phobia of eating in formal situations, if that's what it is, is preventing you from leading a full life. Several pps have blamed your DH for trying to force you, but on the other hand, it's possible he's frustrated by the limitations you are placing on the life of your family...?

My partner said he wants to go to all of it

Well that is fine.

You do not have to go at all though.......

My parents never took us out for meals either. Going out for meals just wasn't a done thing when I was a child, certainly not in the circles we moved in. Cinema was also a treat not a regular occurrence as it is nowadays. Holidays were basic caravan holidays. This was all the same for all the kids I was at school with. Yet the vast majority of us did not grow up with these anxieties. I really don't think you can blame your parents not doing things with you as a cause of your anxiety. Yoh should be getting help with it asap. Going to the service and evening do is rude imo. If you really cannot face the meal just do the evening and let your DH go all day if he doesn't mind going alone, but I really think you should try and go with him.

OP my suggestion would be to explain all this to the GP and ask for beta blockers for these situations. Ideally, Valium but they probably won’t prescribe it. There are medications which can help you get through this and even make it enjoyable.

The couple want you to come; your partner wants to spend the day with you. These are all lovely things that you should try and embrace otherwise I agree, your world will get smaller and smaller. I think you also have to accept that many people have little time for these sorts of anxieties and try and adapt rather than asking for solutions which still allow you to opt out

I really think you are being extreme though - you don't threaten to leave a partner because you don't want to go to a wedding!!
Please listen to what so many posters are saying, get some help for this social anxiety so you and your family can live a fuller life.

Btw you really do have to go. Ignore posters saying you don’t, they’re rude and i don’t think being thought rude is going to help your anxiety

The meal is really the main thing the b&g pay for. Your husband rsvp’d yes. You even had menu choices which have been ordered. The ceremony and evening are nothing.

Also how is your partner going to look? Sat alone next to an empty space marked “mumof2”’having to send back all the food and drinks the arrive for you and explain why you’re not there to anyone who asks (who may have seen you at the ceremony- and many then see you at the evening ceremony...)

You will draw so much more attention to yourself doing this

Why not wear something like this?

www.silkfred.com/boutiques/bella-and-blue/clothing/pleated-sleeveless-tie-waist-jumpsuit-in-navy-blue

And regarding the meal, I also hardly ate out growing up, but that was due to finances. You just work from the outside in with cutlery, and if unsure take a sip of your drink while watching someone else go first. The fact that you say you can talk to anyone makes you the perfect wedding breakfast guest!

Jumpsuits and flats are perfectly trendy.

You don't need to talk that much, listening is fine and your DH will be there.
The more you do things that make you anxious the easier they get. I know this from personal experience.

I feel the same about social occasions. You’ll be fine once you have a glass of fizz in your hand. I have worn a plain coloured Boden casual jersey dress with tights, flat shoes and a necklace to literally all weddings/funerals/christenings I have been to since having my kids. It makes such a difference to my confidence feeling comfortable and not too dressed up (but looking perfectly occasion-y).

Yanbu to not want to go weddings but yabu to want to split over it!

My dad hates social events with anyone other than close family,especially formal things like weddings as he hates wearing a suit.He would do it for my mum though, I think you should make the effort for your dp,its clearly important to him.

Wow I really don't feel I am being extreme

Of course you are. You have considered splitting with your partner to avoid this.
You need some help with this, and yes you need to go. My father was the shyest man I ever met. He did stuff he obviously didn't want to do, because he knew he needed to. And he knew that sometimes it attracted more attention to him if he didn't. He just left my mum to do the talking.
You're going to be on the table with your partner. it's not like you're alone and having to talk to people.
Do you find it hard to eat in front of other people?

I hate heels - I’ve been married twice, first time in trainers, second time in flat sandals. Where what you like.

It is extreme to not want to eat with people you don’t know, and to blame never eating out in childhood as the reason.

I never ate out with parents - partly because people Fuentes as much, then - but mostly money.

You have eaten out with your children.

Plus, there’s nothing to know. You sit at a table and someone brings you the dishes that you preselected. End of.

Because it really is that easy, your refusal is definitely a mental health issue not simply ‘because I didn’t as a kid’.

I have every sympathy for that. BUT... I will be honest, if you were my partner it sympathy would be impacted if you just dug your heels in and said no, instead of accepting that it was extreme and talking to a therapist.

I hope you can address it. Good luck!