I feel I had no say

[Mumof21989]

Hi everyone. I'm a little bit unsociable when I get invited to weddings of people I'm not close too. I don't like the meal part or getting dressed up as I feel so self conscious in heels and a dress. I just don't feel like me at all

One of my partner's colleagues/friend is getting married in the winter. I have met them around 5 times in the past and we send each others kids birthday gifts... But I've literally not seen them for 3 years and certainly did not expect and invite to the whole wedding... The night do would of been fine, even watching them marry then go back at night but we were put down for the whole day... I was told by my partner we have to go as they have put us down for it all including the meal....

I'm not going to lie I'm feeling trapped and really annoyed we were not allowed to discuss this or look at the invite. We have had an invite now with the menu but months ago it was decided we would be there. Its 10 weeks away now and I feel so anxious about this long day with strangers. I really don't want to eat a three course meal with strangers. I feel like the panic is setting in and I have even thought maybe I should split up with my partner to get out of it. This is ridiculous as we have children but that's how much I don't want to do this. The pressure he has put on me to attend it all is horrible.

Am I being unreasonable not wanting to go to the middle part. I really don't feel I belong there I barely know them.

First off, maxi dresses are fine in winter. They're fine any time. I love maxi dresses!

Go over to the style and beauty boards and give a brief description of what you're looking for, your budget and body shape. There are some very talented ladies who will have ideas. Even if they don't find the exact item they will give you options.

It's not ideal but I think it would be best to go. I suggest when you sit down you smile briefly at the table and say "please excuse me if I'm quiet, I've got a headache and I find it best to just sit back until it goes. I promise I'm not being rude!". Seriously, this works. You get a minute of sympathy, say you've "already taken pills, thanks for the offer, food will probably help", and sit back. If you feel able to join in as your 'headache eases' you can but there is no pressure to. Do remember that you are not alone, you're with your husband, and that a lot of people are nervous about these things. It feels like the first day of school for everyone - will I get on with people, what if I say something silly etc. In time you will relax and hopefully enjoy it. If you don't it will only be a few hours and you never have to see these people again unless you want to!

I suspect your Dp doesn't understand how anxious you are. He may never fully get it but that's ok, he can still be supportive without fully understanding. Try to work out some coping mechanisms with him - if you say a code word or phrase he will join in the chat or change the subject. You can also look at some techniques to help online. Trying to break up your concerns would be a good idea too so you can tick them off. Outfit sorted, tick. Said hello to everyone on the table, tick. Know which fork to use, (outside in!), tick.
Sipped at boring toast, tick. It can be easier to do lots of little things than see one big event.

Long term I do think it would be a good idea to speak to someone. I don't usually recommend CBT but in your case I think it could be a good fit. Catastrophising especially. But I am not an expert and it may well be that something else would help more.

Most of all I wish you luck. You are recognising that these feelings aren't normal and that's great - it means you can see these worries do not deserve your attention and can be defeated. I hope you find a solution and enjoy the day.

You don't get "put down" for anything, you get an invite. You are allowed to say no to this. Obviously you're partner said yes though at some point. At which point if you didnt want to go you should have taken this up with him. You do seem rather fixated on the meal, eating in front of strangers etc. Sounds like you have issues with food.

You may also want yo consider a trial run with the kids being apart- stay wherever they will be staying at the wedding, be there but any issues your mum deals with. She puts them to bed, gets up if they cry etc. You are available if needed but mostly you'll see that they can be left for a few hours with someone else who loves them.

I am the same op. I dread weddings even where I will know people as they are such long drawn out days with so much socialising.

You just have to go. I find hiding in the loo works. You get some peace and quiet and respite from the chat and no one really notices!

I'd tell your DP you were "Put down for the meal" without being asked
Therefore, you are NOT going

Also explain to him you are not being awward, but have extreme anxiety about such events
and maybe need to ask your GP to refer you for help

Your DO has been thoughtless not speaking to you in advance but it's done now.

People wear all sorts to weddings. You don't need a dress at all unless you want to wear one. Or a maxi dress would look lovely. Or trousers, or a jumpsuit. Basically don't turn up in flowing white with crystal bits and you're grand. What are you most comfortable in?

A trial run for the kids is a great idea. Is there anyway they could stay in the house and your MIL could come to you? Then you have all the environment stuff the same at least.

I’m sorry it’s stressing you.

I like Binglebong’s idea using a headache as why you’re quiet.

Agree too you can wear trousers or a maxi dress, or even an A line ankle length skirt nice top, tights for warmth and to cover legs.

That’s terrible your mum made you feel that way.

Good luck with everything, and I think therapy would help you. You don’t need to keep suffering.

OP if it really is too much could you just go for the evening meal? Does your DH know that you have this crippling anxiety?

You need to get yourself some counselling.

Because you feel so panicked at eating a meal that you want to leave your partner but don't appear to want to leave him because he's telling you you have to do things and putting horrible pressure on you.

That's entirely the wrong way round.

Wear trousers and a pretty, long jacket or blouse , and flats. You'll look great.

OP is some of your anxiety about eating coming from feeling unhappy with your shape/size and afraid that people will comment on your food choices or give you smug and condescending smiles whilst obviously thinking "Greedy cow, no wonder she's so fat"?

I used to get a lot of anxiety around this, in addition to feeling very out of place wearing "girly" stuff like dresses and heels.

I wore a trouser suit to my own wedding! And flatt-ish shoes. Nobody will care.

Or is your DP the kind to make undermining comments about what you're wearing or how you look?

With ten weeks to go you can back out of the day do saying you can't leave your youngest, that's quite reasonable. Your husband can go to the whole thing if he wants, telling people you'll join him later.

Your mother shouldn't have spoilt your confidence about how you look, I'm sure you look fine. What on earth is wrong with your legs?

You can wear a long dress or smart trouser suit with pretty blouse. No one is going to take that much notice.

You don’t have to go. We had people drop out the day before the wedding because we were poorly. However, if these are good friends it would be nice to make the effort. You don’t have to eat! Have a big breakfast before you go and just pick at the food. Nobody will care. Just push it around your plate. I’d suggest getting some therapy before you go. Hypnotherapy? Is this more that you’re looking for excuses because you don’t want to leave your 1 year old? I don’t have social anxiety and I’m very outgoing but I’d still feel not ok with leaving a 1 year old. That’s just me. I don’t like leaving my kids. I just don’t. If that’s the case it’s ok to say no. Say to your partner that you don’t want to leave the kids so it’s ok for him to go to the wedding and you’ll stay home with kids. Do it now though so they know you aren’t coming.

Oh and by the way I never ever wear a fitted dress. I’d happily wear a maxi dress in the winter with flats and a jacket.

Wear a smart trouser suit and elegant flats. Plenty of guests did this at my DD’s wedding this summer and they looked great.

I am a quiet, reserved, introverted person and do not like big social occasions but I find that, once there, I cope and even enjoy myself.

I am sure you will too, OP. Go to this one but say to the DP that it is a condition of attending that you will not go to any subsequent weddings.

Trouser suits and jumpsuits are very in at the moment.

Why don't you try a course of CBT to help with how you're feeling, it will give you coping tools and hopefully make you feel relaxed and happier about going?

Just wear trousers and flat shoes with a dressy top. You don’t have to wear a dress and heels.

My husband suffers from severe social anxiety disorder - he has had counselling but in truth it didn’t change anything. I come from the POV of someone who has lived alongside it for over 20 years.

My dh wouldn’t want to go to this all day wedding with strangers either. However, depending on circumstances I might insist. Most of the time I don’t insist on him doing social stuff and will make his excuses (whether this enables or supports is another thread) but every now and then it is simply the done thing that he attends. On those occasions he has to make the sacrifice to prioritise my agenda over his own.

Given they have paid out for you to be there and your dh thinks you ought to go, this may be one of those occasions.

You'll never feel any more comfortable with this sort of thing if you don't just get a grip and do it. Everyone dreads some social occasions but they usually turn out to be less bad than expected. Your partner should have discussed this with you before accepting but you are being a bit daft. No-one will notice what you do or do not eat

You need to find a therapist and talk about your relationship with your mother, your self image, feeling trapped, feeling poorly equipped to cope with life, and feelings around eating.

This has to be addressed otherwise your world will become smaller and smaller.
Tell the organisers by yourself
RSVP use that to inform tell only your husband will be able to make it I’m sure there will be others that they can slot in your place.
A word of advice you must get support with the anxiety.
There will be times you can’t get out of events.
The meal is paid for it would be unfair not to tell the organisers.
My cousins daughters wedding meal was over £120 for each person.

Thanks again for all the replies.... No I don't have an eating disorder and I am a size 12 and not particularly big. I've always had bigger calf's and legs, muscular rather than fat so she has made me paranoid for years about them. Now I've had children I have stretch marks on them and just don't like getting them out. It's good to know you can wear maxi dresses in the winter.

The whole eating this is again from my parents. They never took us anywhere for food as kids. The first time I worked and was invited out for a meal I did not go as I had zero clue. I have improved massively over 15 years and now I go out with friends and family and have done several pub meals etc. I just really would of preferred a say in what I went too. Starting off with an evening out and mingling would of been ok for me. The whole day just feels too much.

My kids were supposed to be staying at home with grandparents but their nan has now asked us to take them an hour away so her daughter can help. I know they will be ok but my son is hard work for people who don't know him. He's lovely but a huge mischievous one and half year old and he is always busy. He throws big Paddy's now and chucks himself back etc.

I probably need help one day. I have a few issues around my mum. Most people would not say I was shy or nervous but as someone else has put above in the wrong situation I can't cope. I do like people and would of coped fine with doing what I felt comfortable with. My partner is also one who struggles to say no to people and he is stronger than me as he just gets on with it. The trouble is I don't have the support. I'm a full time mum. Ones now at school. Even if I was able to see a therapist etc I couldn't get any childcare to do it. My partner works 60 hour weeks and friends work. Maybe when my son goes to school I can look into it. It does upset me that my parents were unable to provide much experience. On top of that my mum never showed emotion or affection so I grew up without hugs, praise, warm chats. When my daughter was born 4 years ago it all hit me like a ton of bricks how she had been over the years. I feel I have gone of topic here. .

I am aware I am not being a good partner and putting him in a horrible place. It's just hard not knowing anyone and I don't feel I particularly know them. Therefore I wish we had not been put down for the whole thing. Many people are only invited to the night do. I am prepared to get involved and I know I will be fine talking to people. I just feel my partner has put me in a tricky place. I do feel for him though being with someone like me can't be easy.

You sound a bit ridiculous - breaking up with partner over it.....really????? Sounds like if it was your friends/family you'd be fine going but because it's your partners friend you are going over the top

You could have declined the invite - no wedding invite ever goes out without a decline option that I've ever heard of????

Suck it up and wear nice trousers and a top. I can imagine you sitting at the table with a face like a slapped arse all day refusing to even speak if someone tries to make small talk and if I was your partner I'd feel mortified also it's not setting a great example for your kids

for you. I have some social anxiety and I know how crippling it can be. However I think it would be good for you and your partner if you could do this.

It sounds Ike some therapy would be really helpful but I understand that's difficult to schedule at the moment. What about online cbt? I had cbt when I was at my worst and it really helped with coping strategies.

I second asking style and beauty to recommend a dress so you feel good.

Do you drink? I find alcohol makes me a lot less anxious!

With ten weeks to go I think you could pull out of the meal and say you have childcare issues and just go for the evening. It’s usual to receive a formal invite though not get just ‘put down for the meal.’ Tell the couple now though, don’t leave it any longer.

As for what to wear, a winter wedding is ideal for covering your legs if that’s your issue.

I just wouldn't go if I didn't feel like it. Just let your partner go by himself and say something has cropped up for you or that your ill or something.Or if you feel bad about giving them no notice tell them now you have to work and cant get out of it.