To wonder how the fuck people have sex?

[HerRoyalFattyness]

Earlier on this evening all 3 kids (10, 5 and 4) were engrossed in screens with headphones on. DP upstairs putting washing away.

So I go upstairs and initiate a quickie while the kids are distracted. Just as we get naked we hear "ummm... Mum, there's a problem"
"What?"
"DD has done a poo and it's everywhere... Even on the toilet seat. I think it's diarrhoea"
"Ok we'll sort it"

Mood completely killed, 5 year old was hosed down with the shower while DP cleaned up her mess in the downstairs loo.

It's now 20 to 11, kids all asleep. As is DP! So that's my plans ruined!

We've been together nearly 12 years now, how on earth are we meant to make intimacy a priority in our relationship with kids and exhaustion just trying to ruin it all?

@gindaddy don't forget they also called into question her working hours and the fact she allows her children screen time!

Bloody unbelievable and interesting they've all disappeared.

Don't you just get one leg out of your jeans for a quickie!

Sorry you didn't get the chance, next time go in the bathroom and say daddy had something in his eye ...!

Good morning my fellow shaggers!

If any of the sex starved pearl clutchers are still around, Allow me to put you right off your cornflakes.....Had a lovely quick shag with BF this morning.
One child was happily munching cereal and watching cartoons, The other was perusing netflix and still in bed.........Also, Not even my children...I'm babysitting them!

Good grief, where have all these posters come from that think having sex with children in the house is wrong?

I have 4 DC and when they were little, any one of them could be awake at any time in a 24 hour period. We had a lock on our bedroom door. We are still married 30+ years later and blissfully childfree, so can shag any time the mood takes us and not worry about someone barging in, demanding to make cornflake cakes or asking us to find their missing football boots.

although all the DC have keys to the house so theoretically it could happen

Simple solution here, just in case you hadn’t thought of it OP. Go to bed early when your DH goes up to bed so catch him before he falls asleep.

A quickie is no real foreplay, no getting totally undressed, it's literally a wham, bam, thank you mam, 5 min job.

Wow, it’s like Cosmo never existed.

🤣 @ all the pearl clutching. You try to have sex when your primary aged children are awake? How very dare you op, you terrible neglectful parent 😉

We have teens who manage their own bedtimes and our bedroom is on the same floor as the lounge ie xbox.

We sometimes nip for one in the downstairs loo when they are upstairs (3 storey house) other than that we kick them out the lounge at 11pm

Was it a full moon or something last night? The crazies seemed to be out in force!

I think it gets harder not easier when they're older. Bloody teens never seem to go to sleep and they especially like to go for a noisy wee when it's getting fun.

Well you might not be fucked OP but your lighthearted thread certainly is   I think someone left the gate open at the miserable git farm.

Maybe if some of them had more quickies they might not be so bloody miserable 😂

Oh my God what the hell is with some of the posters on this thread! OP you need quicker quickies lol

I love early morning sex (I'm a lark) ... sometimes earlier than 4 am if we both happen to wake up ...

We have quickies... have to smother me with a pillow and lock the door or go in the bathroom. But it almost becomes part of the fun seeing how quick we can actually be!
It obviously has been interrupted a fair few times but it's part and parcel!
Quickies also don't do it AT ALL for me, so it's just for him, but when we actually can be bothered to DTD after dc is in bed, or they are having sleepover at my mum's, then he makes it up to me.
Or I sort myself out later...
and yeah - as I was reading your post I could see you were about to get all the pearl clutching, thrill hating, dry flapped MNetters attacking you... surprised none of them have mentioned having your kids taken away from you by social services yet!!!!

Yep, Disfordarkchoclate, quite. Those 20 somethings taking the piss out of people who DON’T fancy a daily quickie while the kids are downstairs may see things VERY differently once they get to mid 40s, hit perimenopause and it takes a lot longer to rev up, plus extra time while you’re scrambling round for the lube! . Not to mention making sure you’re in such a position that DH’s bad back isn’t hurting and that your hips don’t start aching.

Don’t forget that those of us marrieds who had kids later had a very lovely sex-filled 20s too, just without the hassle of children. It’s nice when you can do it in every room you want to without standing on a piece of Lego.

Older mums will find a quickie with kids around not so conducive to a satisfying sex life. I’m guessing the mums who love a quickie wirh their kids around are still young and athletic and easily revved up!

Oh and yes - get some lube and don't get naked. Makes the whole quickie process much, much quicker!

@MovinOnUp can we be best friends?! Oh and are you free to babysit my kids anytime soon? They're used to quickies occurring...

FFS, it's not like they were going to do it in front of the kids.

Some people are so uptight.

I’m assuming all you regular quickie lovers have an orgasm each time? Er, yes. Pretty much. Surely you have a quickie when the mood takes you and you are super turned on. I guess if you can only orgasm from foreplay, then maybe it's going to take a bit longer, but luckily I don't have that problem.

Well you might not be fucked OP but your lighthearted thread certainly is

Best comment on the thread 😅

Jeez, who were all the miserable fuckers on the thread last night? 11pm on a Saturday night and all they can do is berate the OP's hopes to have a sex life (and her parenting, work life, decision to have kids...) 😒

When their Husbands are saying they are putting their washing away they are really having a good old wank because Wife is too busy on Mumsnet clutching her pearls.

I think we've all learned a few things from this thread.

1. Quickies are grim
2. Children mean you can't be yourself anymore
3. If you have more than one child, that means you've had sex with your child in the house and you are disgusting
4. 10 year olds should go to bed at 7.30pm
5. If you dare to work you are a terrible parent
6. Wanting an active sex life is gross

Have I missed anything?

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a bit of grown up time discretely while the kids are distracted.

But something about the op conjures up images of Mrs Levisons Mum/cleaner from the league of gentlemen. Sorry op I'm sure you're not like that really.

We use to do it every Saturday while our son was in karate. We were able to do it other times but we had to be quiet.

@HerRoyalFattyness

1. Enjoying sex is grim
2. Calling your kids little shits is terrible parenting and you should be hung
3. Saturday night on mumsnet is when the crazies come out.

Try having your mum living with you, and your youngest having to sleep in the same room while she's staying. It's almost impossible.