To wonder how the fuck people have sex?

[HerRoyalFattyness]

Earlier on this evening all 3 kids (10, 5 and 4) were engrossed in screens with headphones on. DP upstairs putting washing away.

So I go upstairs and initiate a quickie while the kids are distracted. Just as we get naked we hear "ummm... Mum, there's a problem"
"What?"
"DD has done a poo and it's everywhere... Even on the toilet seat. I think it's diarrhoea"
"Ok we'll sort it"

Mood completely killed, 5 year old was hosed down with the shower while DP cleaned up her mess in the downstairs loo.

It's now 20 to 11, kids all asleep. As is DP! So that's my plans ruined!

We've been together nearly 12 years now, how on earth are we meant to make intimacy a priority in our relationship with kids and exhaustion just trying to ruin it all?

Sex is for procreation and should be done in the dead of night, lights off with your nightie over your head.

Yes, and afterwards your dear hubby should thank you sincerely while pulling your nightie down again. Oh, and he certainly shouldn’t wipe his dick on said nightie when he’s finished. Anything else would be, well, just grim.

It's unasseptable

Go and sit on the naughty step.

for at least long enough for daddy to give mummy a quick service

worra the 5 minutes includes us actually putting away some washing so as not to look like complete and utter liars to our children.

Lock on the bathroom door and bend over the sink 😂😂😂

Well actually I am completely traumatised because as a six month old my parents had sex whilst I was next to them in a cot. They thought I was asleep but I was pretending. Scarred for life I am ( said no one ever)

little my bathroom is tiny, and as MrFatty is also fat like me, it would be a tight squeeze.

Yestermo would you like the number for a good therapist?

Oh yes please fatty, I can then refer on your poor neglected children.

my bathroom is tiny, and as MrFatty is also fat like me, it would be a tight squeeze

You might get a nice extra surprise off the tap. You shameless hussy.

Once - just before Christmas, as my wife and I were in the bedroom trying to wrap presents as quietly as we could - I heard one of the kids heading towards our (closed) bedroom door. The bed was strewn with unwrapped presents with no way to hide them in time to prevent them being seen. As the door handle started turning I yelled, "Fuck off, we're having sex!" Footsteps dutifully retreated and we carried on wrapping.

Oooh that's a good point. They will definitely need therapy with me as a mother... They might even know what sex is before they reach adulthood if I'm not careful!

Sandman

Littlejets,
Oh i remember those days many years ago .lol

That's a truly wonderful post, Sandman.

Oh this thread has brightened up my Saturday night - I’ve got a 5 week old, four year old and a teen knocking around the house... and bloody hell we will make use of those spare 5/10 mins when we find them!

My five week old must be traumatised for life now by mumsnet standards...?!

@HerRoyalFattyness thank you for making a dull Saturday so much more interesting by getting all the high horsers out to play!

PS I do hope you manage to get a good shag soon!!

You are very welcome maternityleave

I bet I couldn't get a post this popular again if I tried! (Even if they are just here to clutch pearls and judge my parenting)

This thread . Has Netmums crashed or something?

Wow some mean comments on here, I am sure they are all the BEST parents , with the BEST marriages and it’s all very perfect.

I think your post was funny OP

Of the children are awake but occupied , we sneak in to the en-suite or bathroom , no time to get naked , jeans down for both us, I bend over the bath or sink and bobs your uncle.

If

wheel

At least your hubby wants you....even if you're not getting any

Christsake - people are reacting like the OP is fucking in front of the kids! SHE IS NOT FUCKING IN FRINT OF THE KIDS PEOPLE!!!

MAY I BE SERIOUS FOR A SECOND? Ahem.

I personally find the horrified attitudes towards this far more concerning in terms of parenting than anything described by the OP about the situation.