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Original poster

I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

336 replies

gipser · 05/10/2019 16:16

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

OP posts:
Walkaround · 05/10/2019 19:24

I still disagree, Jacques - another child is not disastrous enough to justify abstinence or the use of several imperfect methods. It is harmful enough to put a huge strain on a marriage and lower everyone's quality of life, though, so only a risk worth taking if you married someone you can trust and rely on. The OP has created the disaster, it is not an unfortunate accident. She knows that and, in the hard times, knowledge of that deceit will likely eat away at her. She has deliberately and unnecessarily increased the likelihood of family breakdown.

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 19:26

@ Walkaround
would be just as disastrous for the family if one of them got run over or killed in a car crash - that doesn't mean they should never go out for anything but essential journeys. So sorry, but I only think the dh should have been using protection too if he knew his wife was completely untrustworthy

You are actually comparing the risk of getting pregnant when your partner deliberately stops contraception with the risk of dying when leaving the house? You might want to consider getting some perspective. Also I strongly suspect that the DH didn’t know that his wife was completely untrustworthy - it’s not usually the foundation of a healthy relationship Hmm so your expectations are rather unrealistic...

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:26

another child is not disastrous enough to justify abstinence or the use of several imperfect methods

That isn’t for you to say. If any party feels a pregnancy would be a disaster they should be at least willing to contribute towards ensuring that doesn’t happen.

The OP has created the disaster, it is not an unfortunate accident. She knows that and, in the hard times, knowledge of that deceit will likely eat away at her. She has deliberately and unnecessarily increased the likelihood of family breakdown

I’m quite sure you read the parts of my posts that dealt with the OP’s actions.

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 19:28

Jacques, the pill was working until the OP sabotaged it.

Are you suggesting that men need to protect themselves from their own wives.

OK if this was a genuine pill failure, but that is not the case.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/10/2019 19:29

Omg some of the replies on here are horrific. Ok you fucked up. No contraception is 100% anyway apart from abstinence.

We thought very hard about having another child and ended up with Twins. Please tell your husband and don’t let anybody tell you tnuavr a termination that you don’t want. You will get through it.

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 19:29

Crack on with your line of thought vet, in reality I think most can accept the two are very different scenarios.
Yup sure. If you count the two people on this thread who think so... one of whom cannot actually explain how deliberate contraceptive sabotages by husbands vs wives are not similar...

RainbowsAndGlitterAndUnicorns · 05/10/2019 19:29

For your marriage and integrity you need to tell your DH what you have done. He can decide whether he can forgive you ana trust you again. Then together you can make a plan

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:30

Are you suggesting that men need to protect themselves from their own wives

OK if this was a genuine pill failure, but that is not the case

I have literally dealt with this. But as you don’t seem to have bothered to read my posts, I said it isn’t about trustworthiness. It is about an adult acknowledging that sex can equal pregnancy and that the pill isn’t 100% effective. Therefore if a pregnancy is absolutely not what you want, it is sensible to take additional precautions.

Walkaround · 05/10/2019 19:30

The dh did not say it would be a disaster, he said it would cripple the family financially and cause the ds to miss out on things. He could contribute to it not happening by paying for the abortion...

Mayday19 · 05/10/2019 19:31

Not the point but - waiting till your dc1 has been at school a few years leaves a massive gap between them, and I'd be very surprised if there was any intention to actually go back to the nappy stage with a dc around 7 or 8.

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:32

He could contribute to it not happening by paying for the abortion

Sadly for him his time for choice had already happened.

Whilst the wife has behaved atrociously he gets no say in whether she has an abortion.

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 19:33

That isn’t for you to say. If any party feels a pregnancy would be a disaster they should be at least willing to contribute towards ensuring that doesn’t happen.

And how do you know he wasn’t ? Confused the DH May have been very willing to use contraception. Do you think his wife who was so desperate for a baby that she deceived and manipulated him would have accepted that?
What do you expect him to say? ‘No dear i’m Suddenly wary of the contraception that we’ve used reliably for the last 4 years and want to do this myself. No of course I don’t think you might sabotage our relationship by deceiving me...’

Hopoindown31 · 05/10/2019 19:34

@JacquesHammer why are you bothering with this irrelevant discussion? It in no way changes the fact that OP has deceived her husband by pretending to be using a form of contraception when she wasn't. If a man pretended to be using a form of contraception but then wasn't what would we call that?

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:34

What do you expect him to say? ‘No dear i’m Suddenly wary of the contraception that we’ve used reliably for the last 4 years and want to do this myself. No of course I don’t think you might sabotage our relationship by deceiving me

I expect any adult male to know the pill - even with perfect use - isn’t 100% effective. I guess I just have high standards.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/10/2019 19:34

Someone upthread said calling the OP treacherous was over dramatic. But if DH had sabotaged our contraception to get me pregnant against my wishes I'd definitely have seen it as a huge betrayal.

OP has behaved very badly.

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:35

Hopoindown31

Dealt with that thanks.

Would you mind not tagging me please?

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 19:36

I said it isn’t about trustworthiness. It is about an adult acknowledging that sex can equal pregnancy and that the pill isn’t 100% effective

I suspect it’s a lot less effective when it’s flushed down the sink...

Why are posters attrmpting to blame the DH by using a mythical accidental pregnancy? This wasn’t a pill failure. The DH’s actions here are irrelevant. I suspect the DH accepts the risks of a pill failure and is happy to take that risk. It’s a totally different risk to having unprotected sex - if he’d been informed about the reality of the situation he would very likely have made different and informed choices.

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 19:37

I expect any adult male to know the pill - even with perfect use - isn’t 100% effective. I guess I just have high standards.
He likely does know that. However it’s irrelevant to this thread as that’s not what happened.

AgeLikeWine · 05/10/2019 19:37

I really hope the DM don’t pick up on this thread, causing lots of men to read it because it really doesn’t show a subset of women in a good light :

‘Deception, lies and victim blaming are OK, say Mumsnetters, as long as the victim is a man....’

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:38

I suspect it’s a lot less effective when it’s flushed down the sink

Isn’t it fortunate I’ve already said the Op behaved appallingly....

RainWoman19 · 05/10/2019 19:38

And shes off..🤔

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:38

Deception, lies and victim blaming are OK, say Mumsnetters, as long as the victim is a man

Who said that?

IAmALazyArse · 05/10/2019 19:39

*I really hope the DM don’t pick up on this thread, causing lots of men to read it because it really doesn’t show a subset of women in a good light :

‘Deception, lies and victim blaming are OK, say Mumsnetters, as long as the victim is a man....’*

For once the title wouldn't be a complete bs....

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 19:40

In fact non-consensual condom removal would be a form of sexual coercion.
However if a woman knowingly removes the contraception without telling a man, MN advice is that she should lie, deceive and blame him for not taking responsibility...
Nice double standards there

Walkaround · 05/10/2019 19:41

JacquesHammer - ridiculously high standards... Even with condom use, it isn't difficult for a broody wife to stick a pin through every packet. Sadly, the lower success rate of the pill in real life is contributed to by women who behave like the OP.