Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have been a selfish cow and I don't know how to mend things

336 replies

gipser · 05/10/2019 16:16

I have a wonderful husband and 3 year old little boy, I am a SAMH and DH works full time. Things are less than great financially and I know I should go back to work. Me and DH agreed that we weren't going to have anymore DC until DS had been in primary for a few years, to give me time to get back into a job and get us more financially stable.

A few months ago I got very broody and it was quite upsetting, I just felt a need for a baby. I know it's quite normal to get like this when a previous DC reaches the age my son was at but it was unbearable and was making me quite depressed. I tried to discuss having another with DH and he said no, it would cripple us financially and DS would miss out on things.

There was a period of about 4 weeks where I stopped taking the pill, tbh I wasn't really expecting to get pregnant (DS took 13 months of TTC), I just thought "Well if it happens it happens" and knowing I wasn't taking a pill that was actively PREVENTING pregnancy helped with the broodiness anyway. I know that sounds strange but it is how it is. I was putting a pill down the sink each day. DH had no idea.

2 days ago after a late period I took a test. It was positive. I am stunned and am feeling so much guilt whenever I'm around DH and DS, DH doesn't know yet. Don't know exact dates but it's very very early stages. As soon as I saw that plus on the test I felt physically ill and regretted everything.

I've been such a twat. We cannot afford this. I have been selfish. DH who already works so hard to keep us afloat is going to suffer more because of this. DS is likely going to miss out on things because we'll have another mouth to feed. And now there's another party in this situation who didn't ask for any of this but is now going to be brought into it all. I don't even know if I can have this baby now. Though I'd feel horrible having a termination knowing I willingly got pregnant and wanted this baby. Why should I just be allowed to change my mind and undo my selfish decision without further consequence?

I don't know why I am posting but I need to get this all out, and I know I deserve a slating.

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 05/10/2019 18:59

OP

What I'd choose is not to make life tougher for your existing family:

I'd tell him you are pregnant - NOT that you stopped the pill - but that you are going to have a termination
- make it clear that you are only telling him to check he is OK with this before you do it

and that you are getting a job asap, instead of having a baby

Don't try to persuade him into agreeing you have the baby - or he'll guess -
but obviously if he says he is against this termination - without any prompting - then don't have one unless you want to.

Span1elsRock · 05/10/2019 19:00

Thing is, OP, it's done now and all you can do is go forward. I'm not sure I'd be completely honest here, as your DH is going to be shocked and possibly angry enough as it is without you telling him you did this deliberately.

You could ease the financial strain by working for the next 6 months over evenings or weekends, but I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on this thread. I hope your DH is supportive Flowers

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 19:01

Yeah sure, blame the bloke for not using a condom and withdrawal when his wife is on the pill. The pig!!!

MmmBlowholes · 05/10/2019 19:02

@sagra I didn't say it was the same, but intentionally impregnating yourself against the other person's explicit consent draws some parallels does it not?

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 19:02

@BigChocFrenzy

More manipulation.

Runhomejack · 05/10/2019 19:03

Talk to your partner and be completely honest. You decided to write this on MN as getting it out is easier than keeping something like this secret. You know you have broken the trust of your partner, you can only rebuild that by being honest. Think about all the practical advice written on this thread and then talk to your partner. It is likely that you won't get the outcome you planned for.

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:03

Your DH should have been actively preventing a pregnancy as well. If it was such a disaster for him, he should have been using condoms - even if taken properly the pill has a failure rate.

However you have behaved abominably and you should absolutely be honest with your husband so he can choose how he moves forward

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/10/2019 19:03

Truly shocking behaviour. You claim to have a wonderful family so how could you do this to them? It’s not a mistake, it was calculated because your wants trumped theirs and you didn’t care.

He will figure it out. You don’t really think he will fall for the whole accident thing just as the exact time you were meant to look for work and share the financial burden of the family do you?

If he were my son, I’d put two and two together and advise him to leave. That breach of trust can’t be fixed.

Dieu · 05/10/2019 19:05

You know you've fucked up, but you got what you wanted. The outcome is the same, whether or not you feel the guilt you claim to feel. Hmm

NoSauce · 05/10/2019 19:06

OP still not back then?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 05/10/2019 19:08

Morally dubious or not, the best course of action in your shoes is to tell him you're pregnant and formulate a plan together. Reality has hit you now as to what you've done but I'm not sure telling him about flushing the pills would be best for your family.

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:09

I'm not sure telling him about flushing the pills would be best for your family

Shouldn’t he have the right to decide what is best for him going forwards given the level of deceit?

Walkaround · 05/10/2019 19:11

JacquesHammer - only total abstinence provides 100% protection against pregnancy. The contraceptive pill used properly, however, has an extremely high success rate.
It would be just as disastrous for the family if one of them got run over or killed in a car crash - that doesn't mean they should never go out for anything but essential journeys. So sorry, but I only think the dh should have been using protection too if he knew his wife was completely untrustworthy. If he stays with her, I suspect he probably will now be considering a vasectomy (and condoms).

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 19:13

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

"You don’t really think he will fall for the whole accident thing just as the exact time you were meant to look for work and share the financial burden of the family do you? "

This is exactly what happened here.

Sizeofalentil · 05/10/2019 19:13

What's done is done. To be honest, I'd wait until I was over 8 weeks, to see if it sticks, before saying anything. Otherwise, what's the point of rocking the boat?

I'm sure a lot of posters would disagree with me but I wouldn't confess to stopping taking the pill in purpose - I'd maybe say that I'd been lax with taking it on time or that I'd had an upset stomach but not thought much more about it because of how long it took to ttc before.

What would be the point of derailing your marriage? The baby will still be there regardless and your punishment is the guilt you're feeling right now.

Once you've told your husband you're expecting, then you can decide what to do together.

For what it's worth, I don't blame you for what you did - my dd took so long to arrive that I didn't think to use contraception when my period returned after bf. And got pregnant first cycle. So I can see how your mind would work - like you were just playing chicken and living a fantasy a bit before you'd have naturally come to your senses and started taking the pill again

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:14

only total abstinence provides 100% protection against pregnancy. The contraceptive pill used properly, however, has an extremely high success rate

I know how sex works Grin

The fact is that although the stats are given for “perfect use”, “typical use” drops the efficacy of the pill to a much lower success rate. It isn’t about trusting your partner, it is about acknowledging that if a pregnancy is a disaster, you do everything you can to prevent - including taking into consideration that hormonal contraception can go wrong.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/10/2019 19:17

It’s very sad how many advocate not telling him the truth. He deserves to know his real wife and what she did to get her own way knowing it was against his wishes. This could be your son one day.

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 19:17

@JacquesHammer you're being a bit ridiculous. Condoms can also fail so what's a man supposed to do: a triple lock down of withdrawal as well!

Jinxed2 · 05/10/2019 19:19

Wow. So many people thinking it’s ok to lie about this! 😳

JacquesHammer · 05/10/2019 19:21

you're being a bit ridiculous. Condoms can also fail so what's a man supposed to do: a triple lock down of withdrawal as well!

You don’t need to tag me I’m on the thread.

I’m sure you’re capable of working out the stats on perfect use condoms in addition to the pill.

I know it’s anathema to a high proportion of men to wear a condom, but they must acknowledge that sex can equal pregnancy. If that end result is a disaster it’s foolish to rely on one contraception method.

ItsReallyNotOk · 05/10/2019 19:21

Christ on a cracker people.

This thread is shocking.

The sheer amount of people telling you to lie is frightening.

You are parents.
You are responsible for shaping and guiding young minds.
You are responsible for teaching your child right and wrong.

You have deceived and manipulated your husband.
Your behaviour is appalling and you should be afraid for your child as your lack of morals and responsibilitiy is going to screw up your child........and they'll end up tricking someone into becoming a parent.

You are parents and you're doing a shit job of it if you think that this behaviour is acceptable and she should lie to her husband about it.
You should be ashamed.

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 19:22

I find but worrying that you ask, vet. A pregnancy takes the toll on the woman's body and health, for one thing.

@Sagradafamiliar you could also argue that the OP’s deceit takes its toll on her husband’s mental health and work stress. They are different consequences but one does not trump the other, both require manipulation and deceit - so yes pretty similar...

Sagradafamiliar · 05/10/2019 19:22

Exactly Jacques.

Hopoindown31 · 05/10/2019 19:23

Standard Mumsnet advice of just lying to the husband just as with affairs I see. Sad.

Sagradafamiliar · 05/10/2019 19:23

Crack on with your line of thought vet, in reality I think most can accept the two are very different scenarios.

Swipe left for the next trending thread