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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 05/10/2019 10:00

Op how well do you know him? I wonder if this wasn’t planned all along. Seems like you’ve subsidised a nice little break for him and his family. You don’t need to ‘storm off’. I’d just calmly explain that you misunderstood the terms of the holiday and and you can’t afford to stay

L0bstersLass · 05/10/2019 10:01

Fuck feigning illness, you'll have to be all happy smiles tomorrow for his birthday if you stay.
Redwinestillfine's words are brilliant. I'd suggest you do that and get out of there.
They all sound dreadful.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/10/2019 10:01

You don;t need dignity...just go! Leave them all to it! They haven;t been dignified with you they saw you as their sons cash cow...sod that OP! You owe them nothing.Your own self respect has kicked in and you are saving yourself from a shit situation...thats enough!

Raphael34 · 05/10/2019 10:02

And there’s no way it didn’t even cross your boyfriends mind who was going to pay for everything.

malificent7 · 05/10/2019 10:02

People who say he's your boyfriend not a partner need a Biscuit and a Confused and a life. ( misses point of thread) .

VeniVidiVoxi · 05/10/2019 10:03

Ok, deep breath! There's lots in in Newcastle. Why don't you spend a couple of hour looking around the city and have chance to calm down and think about thinks more objectively. It's a daft situation but you'll stew all the way home if you leave now. This might be the beginning of the end for your relationship, it depends how your DP handles things. On the bright side you've seen something of the real him and you can decide if he's worth it.

Once you've had some time out go for a drink with everyone (by the river brew pub under the Tyne bridge is nice) and explain the confusion. No need to be coy, this is family. It will be awkward but less pain in the long run. You can decide how blunt you want to be. Don't leave unless you really can't take it. You will leave everything unresolved and the drama will just drag on x

CalmdownJanet · 05/10/2019 10:04

Seriously the only way to handle this with dignity is it leave and go home with your head held high, making excuses is not handling things with dignity (though I appreciate that is easy for me to say)

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 05/10/2019 10:04

Redwine’s suggestion is good if you are planning to leave.

Otherwise, pretending you feel a bit under the weather and staying out of their way could be a way forward. Let your partner go out with his family for meals and nights out, and they can figure out bills between them. Or he can actually front up to his parents and tell him he can’t afford what they want to do, so the two of you will do your own thing on a scaled- back budget .

Foslady · 05/10/2019 10:04

Just get the train and go - it’s hardly going to be much of a weekend anyway if you are trying to make the best of it but yet understandably are seething. Every time he ‘pays’ for anything you will resent it - get a taxi and get on the train home - did the lot of them, they all are taking you for a mug - him especially

honeylulu · 05/10/2019 10:06

OP did ask beforehand and boyfriend said his dad was covering everything (for him at least). It actually sounds like dad didn't say anything of the sort, he just assumed one way or another he would be funded. What an entitled pillock!

Veterinari · 05/10/2019 10:07

He needs to speak to his parents about exactly what their ‘gift’ entails and tell them straight that he can’t afford to be there

fedup21 · 05/10/2019 10:07

Let your partner go out with his family for meals and nights out, and they can figure out bills between them

But she’s given him money so he will be fine now, just paying with her cash.

Sarahandco · 05/10/2019 10:07

You could tell him to ask his family to lend him some money to get him through the weekend. Hw could pay you back and then he will just owe his parents which will leave you free to end the relationship when you get back if you decide to do so.

Are his parents in a position to lend him the money?

If they obviously are and they will not or he will not ask then you would be within your rights to make polite excuses and go home.

How old is your bf?

VaggieMight · 05/10/2019 10:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

Whysshedoingit · 05/10/2019 10:09

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook They don't do the overnight Megabus anymore

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/10/2019 10:10

I think staying is a big mistake,
You’ll stay together and it lets the whole narrative become “remember the time StFrances ruined X’s birthday weekend”

He has ballsed up royally and shown you who he is...Which is spineless and useless in a crisis

@Redwinestillfine’s messaging is good. But I’d skip the relationship reassessment bit and just say you’ll be leaving so they can enjoy it as a family.

100% Get the cash back of the boyfriend let him borrow from his Fucking parents!?&!
Tell him you want him to enjoy his birthday but the weekend is done for you now and you don’t want to put a dampener on it.

Then get the hell out of there

Good luck OP 👍

Wonderland18 · 05/10/2019 10:10

To be honest if you leave and your bf is honest about why you went it would be more than likely I kick up his parents arse than them sat bitching about you.

I know my mum would be mortified if I couldn’t pay my way and my newish partner was fronting the bill for a holiday she had suggested as a gift.

Daffodil2018 · 05/10/2019 10:11

I think you can only leave if you're planning to dump him. If you leave and then patch things up when you get back you will forever be The Bitch Who Ruined Son's Milestone Birthday.

Someone who has been on long term sick leave but "didn't think" about how a weekend away would be funded (ie who assumed it would be funded by others without him needing to worry) is probably not someone I could see a long term future with TBH.

drankthekoolaid · 05/10/2019 10:12

You might as well just leave OP, his birthday is ruined regardless.

His family are being unreasonable that's true, it you're the one causing the drama. If you can't lend your boyfriend some money without making him feel epically guilty and shit then why did you do it?

He's better off without someone so selfish.

MollyButton · 05/10/2019 10:12

To be honest unless it is all sorted in the next hour or two, then the best thing you can do is leave.
Otherwise you would have to be a massive fake for a couple of days - and I would be extra resentful as trains are always a bit crap on Sundays.

Whysshedoingit · 05/10/2019 10:14

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook They don't do the overnight Megabus anymore

Whysshedoingit · 05/10/2019 10:14
  • You might as well just leave OP, his birthday is ruined regardless.

His family are being unreasonable that's true, it you're the one causing the drama. If you can't lend your boyfriend some money without making him feel epically guilty and shit then why did you do it?

He's better off without someone so selfish.*

THIS!!!!!

Raphael34 · 05/10/2019 10:16

Drankthekoolaid she’s already paid for flights and a hotel room that should have been paid for, and from the sounds of things her boyfriend can’t even pay her back the money she’s given him.

ShawshanksRedemption · 05/10/2019 10:16

Did his parents tell you directly that they were paying for their son? Or was it "D"P that told you this?

If it's his parents directly to you, then I think I would've said something to them direct. If it's all through "D"P then his understanding of the situation has led to a misunderstanding on both sides.

Clarification needs to be sought on both sides. But if the parents are expecting you to foot the bill for "D"P due to the misunderstanding, you need to explain that you simply haven't budgeted for that and cannot do so. His parents can then choose to cover their son, with him paying them back, rather than you. Because if you cover for him and the relationship ends, you can kiss goodbye to the money being paid back.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 05/10/2019 10:16

Seriously I would go. I would message the whole lot of them, mention the trip to Rome, the treat they promised for their penniless son, the present you had already bought him and then say you’re done.

I also think he may have thought his parents were paying for him and now he is deeply embarrassed by the whole thing. They have assumed that you would be delighted to fund his entire weekend as well as buying him a present and spending a weekend in their company.

Whatever happens you will be the bad bitch so may as well go out with a bang and leave them to it.

But get your money back first.