To be outraged about dp mum and money

[Stfrancescof]

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. If you stay, it is going to cost you more, so be prepared for that.

Not really a promising future ahead if he can't think things through/assumes others will pay/misrepresents what his father said to him.

Sorry to hear he is on long term sick, but this does not give him a free pass to expect you to pick up the costs. Don't be a mug.

I'd be on the next Stagecoach out of town, but then I've already got the tee shirts on this sort of thing going way back.

Honestly I would leave. I know you have invested 18 months in this relationship, but do you really think you will be able to have a meaningful relationship moving forward? Okay so he didn’t think about it beforehand? You should not be the one loaning him money. His parent seem awful and he doesn’t seem capable of articulating his feelings. I would walk away with my head held high.

Hold on OP, you dont know that his parents were expecting you to pay. You havent said what he does or where he lives (so what expenses he has) so even though hes been on SSP, they may have assumed he'd pay.

Is he six?

Run run for the hills

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

Well, if after all this advice you’re still going to stay there because it might cause waves with his family if you leave, then I give up. He’s an idiot, his family are awful...if you’re up for a lifetime of being treat like this, then nothing we say will change that. You’ll look back one day and wonder why you didn’t get outbwhen you had your whole life in front of you ‍🤷🏻‍♀️

How old is he?

And I’d of been on the next train home, and left them to it!

Sorry I'd be off home and leaving them all to it. They are the ultimate piss takers.
You are only his girlfriend not a blood relative nor married so why aren't they sorting his spending money out.

Who knows what his family dynamic is. Many adults find it difficult to have an adult relationship/conversation with their parents. How would you feel about approaching his mother. Telling her he is too embarrassed to tell her that he is skint and cannot afford meals and drinks and hotel rooms etc. Tell her you can afford for yourself but not to cover him for the entire weekend.

At this stage you've got nothing to lose. It's likely that nobody has actually put any great thought into any of this. Your boyfriend (he's not your partner as you are not "partners") certainly didn't put any thought into it.

As long as your boyfriend isn't turning twelve, I think it's his problem how he handles this. Staying for his birthday is going to feel wrong anyway if you intend to dump him afterwards.

Can you not have a 'family emergency' that calls you home? That way everyone gets to save face - they will all know why you're going but you can all pretend you don't. Write off the money, wish him a happy birthday for tomorrow and go.

He's been childish, assuming that the money will just 'turn up', they've been incredibly tight - dowgrading from Rome to Newcastle! I mean, FGS! They should have covered accommodation and flights, even if you all chipped in for meals, plus had some kind of itinerary for the weekend. Sounds like they got a cheap weekend deal and tacked you and the sibling on. Newcastle in October! It's lovely, but it's hardly Rome, is it?

I agree with Zaphod - could you play the 'family emergency' card? So that you get out of there and stop the immediate problem (your funds being drained every time you go for a meal) but let everyone save face a bit?

God, I will never forget the weekend , many years ago, ex bf went away with me and parents and he accidentally (on purposed think ) left his debit card behind. The relationship limped on 2 weeks after that, my eyes were opened and I ended it. Go home OP , this relationship is dead.

He’s more than enough from you and you owe nothing more. Go home and feel no guilt for doing so.

I’m confused, why isn’t he upset with his parents?

I think this is on the boyfriend. Who goes away for the weekend without any money? Just assuming someone, anyone would pay for everything?
Birthday treat is one thing but to go away for the weekend with nothing is staggering.

I would continue with your plan to go home, having first taken back the "loan" you gave him.

There may have been plenty of miscommunication along the way, but these people still sound like cheeky fuckers, including your boyfriend. How can you possibly enjoy the weekend now if you stay, or even pretend to enjoy it? I know I couldn't. I'd be more likely to erupt in their faces.

I mentally stalled at they changed the treat from Rome to Newcastle (apologies to all from Newcastle - but REALLY??!)

I have literally no idea why you’re staying. What can possibly be gained?

transpired was that effectively he hadnt thought about

Code for 'assumed someone else would pick up the tab'. Either way, if he expected you or his parents to cough up for every expense, is incredibly unattractive.

Do you usually pay more than your share in the relationship? How have you split dating expenses while hes been off sick? Do you always get the friday takeaway etc?

Walk away OP, you can do so much better!!!

it you're the one causing the drama. If you can't lend your boyfriend some money without making him feel epically guilty and shit then why did you do it?

He's better off without someone so selfish.

What are you, the boyfriend?

Hes a man child.

Your BF has created all this drama. A discussion should been had between he and his parents as to what exactly was being covered and then he should have been an adult and made the decision as to whether he could cover any shortfall. I’m guessing he may even have been aware and just winged it hoping that you would step in and pay for his spending money. You’ve now been dragged into a situation not of your making. I would be furious with him. It’s not necessarily the fault of his parents - they may have been very explicit on what they were paying for, but he’s ignored it just hoping that all would come good.

Sorry OP, I actually think you should look at this trip as a gift in a way -in that you now know how badly money issues are handled within your DP's family. I include your DP in that assessment, there's no shame in being broke when you have been on sick leave but ducking his head in the sand and not addressing basic issues like not having spending money is a red flag IMO. As for his parents, it honestly sounds to me like they couldn't truly afford this trip in the first place to be asking for contributions from you.

I'm sure your DP is a nice person but think carefully about committing to someone (plus his family) who has poor management and communication skills around money. I say this as someone who has extended family on one side who believe that any financially stable relative (me) has a duty to keep them afloat. I quietly keep my distance from several groups of my extended family for this reason. I have an uncle who has done very well for himself (as in made millions) and I hear the jealous complaints about him from the cheeky relatives who think he owes them some of his wealth.

Accusations of selfishness against the OP MUST be coming from similarly cheeky fuckers.

The OP has already given the BF an expensive treat, she's already paid for his birthday present. She's paid for her half of the hotel room. How the FUCK is SHE being selfish here?!

No.

You've had an almighty row with him, packed your bags - if you back down now you're basically saying it's ok for you to be treated like this. It really isn't.

Again, there is no mileage in talking to his parents - if they were the sort to be mortified by their son's behaviour, they wouldn't be holding out their hands to the OP, expecting her to pay for everything for him.

Give them all up as a bad job, OP. Better to write off this last 18m than spend a lifetime regretting staying with him.

So... his parents have offered him a weekend away.. that they expect him to pay for.

Yeah no, leave him with them and go home.