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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged about dp mum and money

642 replies

Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 07:58

Briefly - dp mum offered to pay for dp to go to Rome with me for his milestone birthday present.

Two weeks later it changed to no let's all ie parents , sibling and partner and us, go to Newcastle for the weekend instead, for his birthday.

That was 6 months ago.

In the intervening time dp has been on statutory sick leave and has no money. We are not financially linked , do not live together and have no plans to., Been together 18 months, this is the first time I've been away with his family.

We are now here on the group holiday and he expected to be treated for everything by his parents, as it was his birthday treat. I asked in advance to his family about spending money budgets and suggested we put into a whip what we feel we can contribute, ie to share the cost of his spending money. This was ignored .

Since then it has become absolutely clear by the way bills are divided ( ie by couples) that I am expected to pay for everything for him!!

I am outraged that his parents would expect me to pay for all his spending money , knowing that he has none and having offered this break away for a treat for him. When I asked how much the hotel room was I was told '350 for both of you'. I was like , ok here's my half. Frosty silence.

Aibu to be furious about this and the position it puts me in?? I gave him my own expensive treat last weekend and have not budgeted to pay for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 09:48

Well I've packed my bag and sitting on the bed. He's gone out for some air. We had a very heated conversation about how he expected to fund the weekend and what transpired was that effectively he hadnt thought about.

I don't live in London but can get a train.

I think storming home is too much but staying will be a toxic blame fest all over.

Don't know how to handle this with dignity Confused

OP posts:
RobinsParasiticEye · 05/10/2019 09:48

Whip as in whip round so yes same as kitty.

I hope you’ve got your loan back. I don’t think I’d stay either. He and his family sound like cf’s

CallmeAngelina · 05/10/2019 09:51

Don't know how to handle this with dignity
Tricky one. You're going to be the bad guy, whatever. Probably best off out of it; if you stay, there'll be a very awkward atmosphere, and if you go, they'll slag you off and put it all on you.
Rock and a hard place, really.

Ginfordinner · 05/10/2019 09:51

Is he well enough to go back to work any time soon?

Snowman123 · 05/10/2019 09:52

It sounds like it was a case of "Lets go to Newcastle for your birthday" as opposed to "we'll pay for you to go to Newcastle for your birthday".
There's been a communication blunder somewhere.
Your OH has a unreasonable expectation of coming away for the weekend and expecting someone else - be it you or his parents to pick up the tab for absolutely everything.

WickedLemon · 05/10/2019 09:53

You’ve got them all on messenger?

Message the lot of them... “this weekend has turned out not as I expected. It appears that I’m expected (by all of you, including DP) to fund the whole weekend for DP. I’m not doing that, and am going home. Hope you all enjoy the rest of your stay”.

LagunaBubbles · 05/10/2019 09:53

Hope you get hone OK OP.

KatyCarrCan · 05/10/2019 09:53

If you'd both gone to Rome, you wouldn't have been expecting his parents to pay for his meals and drinks so I think YABU about those costs. You were just as aware that your DP had been off sick. What would you have done if you were in Rome? When I went away with a DP we'd take turns to pay but if I knew they had been off sick, had less money and it was their birthday treat, I'd have offered to pay for them or I would have said I don't think we can afford this trip just now and not gone. You're as guilty of being disorganised as anyone else.

RoLaren · 05/10/2019 09:54

OP, this guy is not a keeper Flowers

Snowy111 · 05/10/2019 09:54

What about he asks his parents for a loan? That will help him see what financial position he’s in without him looking like a cf? He can say he didn’t realise how costly it would be and he has no money.

This isn’t a good situation but not fair for you to have to pay

Lulualla · 05/10/2019 09:54

But he told you his dad had said he'd fund it all. So which is it? Did his dad tell him it would be paid for, or did he just not think about it and hope it would happen?

NameWithChange · 05/10/2019 09:55

I think the 'stay or go' decision can be based on what you think the future holds for this relationship.

From what you have said here it sounds like he has been unwell and struggled but you are obviously supporting him through this. But then what? Does he give you anything that you need in this relationship? Does he support you?

If you are sticking at it just hoping things improve I would leave now. It sounds like a lot of hard work for you with not much gain.

Original poster
Stfrancescof · 05/10/2019 09:55

Rock and a hard place exactly.

I'm going to feign illness and do my own thing.

I've told him I am furious at being put in this position by both him and his family tbh.

They are cheeky toxic fuckers and I want out. Leaving today which is the day before his birthday is likely to cause an absolute shit storm of upset for bf which I don't want him to go through.

Never ever again and yes re thinking whole relationahip.

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 05/10/2019 09:55

To handle with dignity I would go to speak to his parents and just say ' look, sorry if we had crossed wires before. Your son hasn't budgeted for this weekend at all, and whilst I had budgeted to pay for myself I hadn't expected that he would assume I was also saying for him. It has made me reassess the relationship and thank you for helping me to realise this before we became serious. I just wanted to clear the air before I left, I wish you all the best.' They will respect you and it will stop any narrative your boyfriend chooses to spew afterwards.

Snowy111 · 05/10/2019 09:55

Do like wicked lemons suggestion but there’d be no going back from thatGrin

L0bstersLass · 05/10/2019 09:57

Storming home may be too much, but you're not storming home are you - you're leaving calmly.

user1480880826 · 05/10/2019 09:57

What a cheek. Have they bought him something else instead since they haven’t treated him to anything in this trip?

Snowy111 · 05/10/2019 09:57

I belt the siblings are really pissed off at everything they’ve had to pay for the celebration too. Its the parents fault

NoDontLookAtMeImShy · 05/10/2019 09:57

I would leave. But that's because things escalate when I hang around because I just get angrier until I flip my lid, so I've learned to exit the situation.

I'd get the train home without a doubt.

HumptyDumptyHadAGreatFall · 05/10/2019 09:58

And let me guess they're so generous for arranging his amazing birthday bash 🙄
I'd be firm and set boundaries early on, you'll be setting precedent if you agree to this. I'd just say no, you can't pay for it. You've arranged his own birthday treat from you (even if you haven't, book a dinner and/or cinema tickets or something), so they are going to have to be responsible for their birthday treat to their son.

amiapropermum · 05/10/2019 09:58

It's a tricky one but I would be inclined to leave calmly because things are heated now. It will also build further resentment if you stay for the full weekend and are looked at to pay for DP at every turn. Also you don't want accusations of having "ruined" his weekend. You haven't and he might not say that anyway but it isn't fair on you at all.

I'd also consider messaging to say that you're sorry you had to leave but you had been unaware that there was an expectation that you fund all of DP's expenses on this "treat" weekend and it's not sustainable for you financially. It was causing some friction so you thought it best to go home and you hope they enjoy the rest of the weekend

Soon2BeMumof3 · 05/10/2019 10:00

It sounds like miscommunication and awkwardness about money all round. Maybe they think your relationship is more serious than it is and that you share finances?

I'd feign illness and head home. Don't involve his family in your break up, that's between the two of you.

I'd be telling him I expect the loan repaid in any case. Write off the rest of the cost as a life lesson.

Is he likely to go back to work any time soon?

JustHereWithPopcorn · 05/10/2019 10:00

I would do what Redwinestillfine said

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2019 10:00

Oh I think I'd go.
I don't think this is a "re-think the whole relationship" situation, this is a "dump the freeloading cheeky fucker and his ridiculous family".

Yes, you might have to write off the lump sum you've already lent him but tbh it would be worth it just to not have to deal with any more of this shit.

And I would't bother speaking to any of them about it as they'll all just give you a hard time (like you're already doing to yourself) about not doing it just before his birthday.
But what's the point of hanging around FOR his birthday? It won't make it any easier if you dump him tomorrow instead of today.

Didiusfalco · 05/10/2019 10:00

Try and get hold of some of the money you’ve lent him and get out of there! Honestly, you’re going to look back and wonder why you put yourself through this.

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